Original subtitles

We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Well, guess what?

What?

Well, some of these will be rhetorical questions as we go along.

It's Christmas.

That's right. That's right. We didn't sing that song for nothing. It's the

holiday time, and this is, of course, really very exciting for us, and for me

particular, because this is our first Christmas show.

And, well, you're pretty excited to participate.

You know, I've always wanted to have one of those old -fashioned kind of

Christmas shows ever since I was a kid and had my imaginary television series,

which was canceled because I was on opposite a guy who had a better

series.

And so now this is really great because we're going to have a

whole show here with my mom and friends.

And it's just really exciting. We're going to decorate the tree. And, you

half the fun of decorating the tree for me is that, you know, I make my own

ornaments.

Yeah, you probably guessed that. But, you know, I don't think you need.

to spend big, hard -earned bucks on store -bought ornaments like these when

can make your own gorgeous homemade ornaments out of peanuts and chips.

This one's actually made out of macaroni and cheese, which is what I believe

they actually ate at Bethlehem.

So why don't we just...

Run the opening theme, and I'll decorate my tree, and you at home can rejoice.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like the

theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

That theme really gets you in the Christmas spirit, doesn't it? This is

be great, really.

Gary, great party. Delicious macaroni and cheese. Oh, thanks, thanks, thanks.

Pete eats all my ornaments. Last year, he ate the manger. It was really nice.

It's a beautiful tree, Gary. Oh, thanks, Jackie. That really means a lot to me.

You must have been cooking all day.

Oh, yeah, I was. As soon as the meatloaf comes out of the oven, we're going to

stick it right on top of the tree.

Make your own ornaments. Make your own ornaments.

Grant, you all right? You having fun?

Yeah, Uncle Gary, but you're really running low on single chicks.

Yeah, well, you know, hit on some of the married women, Grant. What do you say?

Oh, yeah, like I'm really going to hit on my own mother.

Well, hey, stand in line. You know what I mean?

That's right. I belong to the doorbell of the month club.

Hiya, Gary.

Oh, man.

I can't place this guy.

Oh, I hate that feeling.

Hey. Hey, you.

Good to see you. Good to see you.

You have no idea who I am.

No, I've been looking forward to seeing you all day. We've been talking about

you guys, really.

All right, I'm going to let you off the hook.

I'm Dominic Carbone.

I just moved into the complex.

That's right.

That's right. Nice to see you. Hi, Dominic. Hi, Nancy. I'm glad you could

it. Oh. Oh, if you don't mind, I asked him to come. He was going to be home

alone tonight. Oh, of course not. It's Christmas.

Have a good time. Make yourself at home.

Baba, here's your present.

Oh, thanks, Mom. This is really nice.

I'm going to put it right under the tree. No, I want you to open it now.

No, I don't really want to open it in the morning with the other presents.

please. No, no.

Baba, please. Oh,

my.

He would have wanted you to have it.

Oh, this is the nicest gift I've ever gotten.

Thanks.

Merry Christmas, my darling.

Hey, everybody.

Look at this. This is my dad's old watch.

Oh, wow.

Is this nice or what, you know? Wow.

He used to teach me time on this watch, and he would never take it out of his

pocket, so we got pretty close.

Wow, that's a beautiful lie.

Isn't it?

You know, you could get a lot of cash in the streets for a ticket like this.

Boy, I hope my dad keeps me watched like this when he dies.

Well, consider it done, little Grant. Consider it done.

Hey, it's inscribed.

My dearest Phil, happy first anniversary.

I love you, Ruth.

I wrote that myself.

Good job, Mom.

Oh, honey, look at the time.

Pete, we better get going.

You guys got to go? Yeah.

Sorry, Gary, we have to go to another party. Merry Christmas. We love you.

Christmas. Yeah, I thought you guys were going to be staying. Yeah, Merry

Christmas. Bye, Uncle Gary. Bye, Grand Aunt Ruth. Merry Christmas.

See you later.

Yeah. Hey, good luck with your mom, huh, Gran? Oh, come on!

I'm going to have to go, too. I've got a million presents to wrap. You're

kidding. No.

I thought you were going to stay, though. Well... How about Dominic? You

Well, Nancy asked me to stick my finger in the bows when she ties the ribbon.

So they look real festive like that. Oh, sure. That's important.

Merry Christmas. Thanks a lot. Oh, sure.

Okay, well, see you. I hope you had a good time. Merry Christmas. Merry

Christmas, Dominic.

He's a nice guy.

Well, I guess I'd better go.

Not you too, Mom. I've got to get home. I've got to get home in time to see

Miracle on 34th Street.

No, well, your father and I watch that every Christmas Eve. Well, gee, Mom, why

don't you stay and I'll put on Silent Night, Deadly Night. It's really a...

a classic. There's a lot of red and green in that movie, I'll tell you that.

Oh, well, I like slasher movies just as much as any other mother. Oh, great.

But not on Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas, darling. Okay, Mom.

Merry Christmas, lads. Merry Christmas, Mrs. Stanley.

Gee, Gary, it looks like the lads and I closed the joint, huh? Hey, good to see

you guys.

Boy, you wouldn't think Tom Petty would be one of the lads, would you?

You know, it's not easy to get into this group. Last year they kicked out

Springsteen because he wouldn't wear the sweater.

Well, I guess it's time to go spread a little Christmas cheer now, Gary.

Christmas cheer, Tom?

Don't you mean Christmas cool?

Oh, great.

The first Noel the angels did

swing. And they rocked and they rocked and they rocked and they rocked.

You know what? This is better this way. This is really better. I mean it.

Seriously.

This can still be a fine and dandy Christmas.

Because, you know, when you get right down to it, I think Christmas is a sort

solitary sort of experience. It's an intimate. We're still together.

It can be intimate now. It can be that very special kind of Christmas that just

we share together.

Some cookies?

Anyway, and this way we can get to sleep earlier and, you know, rewrap my dad's

watch so I can open it in the morning again and act like I'm surprised.

This has really been nice of my mom.

Okay, it was right here, right?

Oh, great. Now I give you a question that I don't mean to be rhetorical, and

just sit there. Well, that's great.

Well, it could have fallen in here.

Well, where did it go?

Okay, my mom had it. Oh, man, I'm going to have to turn this place upside down.

I've got to find this.

This'll just take a second to turn the place upside down.

I know what you're thinking.

I know just what you're thinking. Gee, does he have these straps on his toilet?

Okay, here we go. Ready, set...

I think I just gave myself a wedgie.

No, watch.

All right.

All right.

Okay.

I just went a little bit too far there.

Let me even this out. Here we go.

There we go.

You're probably wondering why nothing fell.

Well, everything I have is on Velcro.

Some guy in the 70s knocked on my door and said, Velcro the whole place for 89

bucks. How can you pass up a deal like that?

Anyway, all right. Well, someone must have taken it by mistake.

My mom's going to feel horrible.

Okay,

who could have taken it? My mom had it.

And Dominic had it, the new guy. You're probably thinking, oh, the new guy took

it.

You think so? Don't you think he deserves the benefit of the doubt just

because... Well, okay, I think that's a pretty pathetic Christmas

attitude.

Well, let's go over there and find out what the deal is. Come on.

Well, I hope you didn't steal anything out of Nancy's place.

Are you going to sleep with him or what?

Yeah,

I think so.

You're kidding.

Gary, no.

Oh, oh.

Oh, good, because I was going to ask him something. I would have been really

awkward.

So, Dom, I was just wondering, this is kind of hard to ask you and all.

You know, first of all, really nice meeting you.

What time? Do you know what time it is by any chance? What?

Well, that's what you came over here to ask.

Right.

Well, no, I'm sorry. You know, what happened is I was unwrapping my mom's

there, and then I put it on the table, and then you looked at it, and I can't

find it. And I thought maybe since Dominic was the last one to touch it, I

thought, you know, maybe he would know. Maybe he took it.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I wasn't thinking that.

I thought, you know, maybe he was looking at it. You know how that can

and maybe it's false.

Wait a second. Hold, hold, hold. Pretty much, yeah.

Time out. Hold the jam. Whoa.

You thought I took it?

I can't believe this guy.

Let me tell you something, mister.

I, Dominic Carbone, am a good guy. I don't bother nobody.

I'm sitting at home tonight like some lonely jadrule.

This woman is kind enough to take me into her heart.

We're having a great time, and you've got to come by. You've got to come by

your head of hair, your tuna fish face, no -talent attitude, and

night through all that is sacred.

This, the sacredest and holiest of nights. I've got a heart so big, if you

off it, you'd break your neck.

Listen to me, lips of life.

I could buy you...

And your stupid watch.

Okay. Oh, what? You feeling kind of froggy now?

No, no, no.

Come on. If you're feeling froggy, leap.

No, no. You misunderstand. I often stand up right after I sit down. It had

nothing to do with making a move there. Nance. Come on, clown face.

Clown face?

Nance, he calls me clown face. Yeah, that's right, Nance.

Take off.

Okay, maybe I was a little hasty. Maybe I dropped it. You guys have a Merry

Christmas. Yeah, Merry Christmas, Gary.

This is turning out to be the worst Christmas show since Dean Martin's

in San Diego.

Oh, great.

I don't even have my keys.

I'll bet Dominic stole them.

This is great.

Christmas on my front porch. There's a thrilling moment.

Let's just sit this one out, okay?

Turn something else on.

Really, you don't want to see this.

Oh, hey, Mom.

I need to talk to you, Bubba. Are you okay?

I, uh... I have something to confess.

What is it?

I guess the holidays just make me feel a little more emotional than usual.

So I saw your father's watch sitting there on the table, and I couldn't help

myself. I picked it up, and when I held it, I

guess it made me a little less lonely for your dad, and so

I took it back.

Oh, Papa, I am so... It's okay, Mom. I'm so ashamed. It's okay.

I thought I lost it for a second. If it means that much to you, you should keep

it.

I felt so badly about it, so I did. I brought you a... I brought you a

replacement gift. Oh, that's nice, but you didn't need to do that. Here, here.

Oh, gee, it's Grandpa's watch.

I did love it, so... Oh, well, then you should take it.

I'll take it back.

What's the matter, dear?

Well, it's just been a really bad Christmas, Mom. You know, I ruined it

my friends, and, you know, I'm locked out on my porch, and I don't have a clue

what time it is.

Oh, that's much!

What the heck is that?

Oh, hello,

Gary.

Hey, everybody, it's Santa Claus.

Come on, Mom.

Santa,

what happened?

Oh, I ripped that when I slid down your chimney.

When I hit your fireplace, I landed kind of funny and I twisted my ankle.

Barbara, have you been greasing the inside of your chimney again?

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

Oh, man, now I've ruined Christmas for Santa, too.

No, no, you haven't ruined anything.

Oh, Gary, what can I do to cheer you up? Oh, Santa, I don't know. I just always

wanted one of those old -time Christmas shows, you know?

And it just... Can I sit there?

Oh, sure, Gary, sure.

You know...

I always wanted one of those Christmas shows, you know, where the family was

around, the piano singing carols, and all your friends were there, and there

ice skaters, you know, and snowmen. Oh, Gary, Gary, that's no problem. You've

been such a good boy.

All you have to do is close your eyes, wish real hard, and your Christmas wish

can come true.

Really? Yes.

Now, Bubba, do what Santa Claus says.

Close your eyes, and we will hold, hold, hold.

and Christmas carols and ice skaters and... Hey, isn't that Peggy Fleming?

Well, maybe not, but still.

And look, snow?

I gotta get that roof fixed.

Thanks, Santa.

Oh, don't mention it, Gary. Well, I guess I had better be going.

Oh, whoa, whoa!

Well, Santa, you know, why don't I take your route this year?

You take my route, Gary? Yeah, I'd really, I'd be happy to. Oh, you would

that for me? Sure, you did all this for me. Papa, that would just be so nice.

Oh, that would be marvelous, Gary.

Great.

Well, that's our Christmas show, you know.

I want to thank Santa, who, by the way, did that.

whole thing and there was no technical device involved whatsoever.

And I want to thank Dominic. Dominic, no hard feelings, huh? Merry Christmas,

Gary. Merry Christmas, Gary. You bundle up before you go.

Okay, Santa.

Merry Christmas, Gary.

That's right. I have something for every occasion.

And I'll be seeing you at home in just the next few hours. And please, for

sakes, don't grease your chimney.

Really.

You better watch out. You better not cry.

You better not pout. I'm telling you why.

Gary Shandling's coming to town.

He's making a list. He's checking it twice.

Gonna find out who's naughty or nice. Gary Shandling's coming to town.

He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake.

He knows if you've been hip or square.

Leonard. Thanks.