Original subtitles

Love you.

Okay.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks. Well, that guy got to you before the show started, didn't he?

Told you to applaud, didn't he? Yeah, yeah. That's why you guys at home didn't

applaud. You don't have that guy.

Nice to see you. You've come on a good night.

Tonight is the show where Nancy and I are playing chess.

Well, you're probably thinking, oh, like, yeah, right, Chandling, you play

intellectual game.

Yeah. Well, I do. I do. I play it a lot.

As a matter of fact, I have my own dice.

And that's right. I don't go too long without a joke.

And actually, what we're really excited about is Grant. You know, little Grant,

Pete and Jackie's son, he just won a poetry contest.

what Hollywood means to me.

And the first prize is an all -expense -paid trip to Hollywood, California.

You're jealous, aren't you, if the truth be known?

So tonight, Pete and Grant are going to be making that voyage all the way from

here in Sherman Oaks to Hollywood.

Now, for those of you on the East Coast who may not realize the geographical...

The geographical significance of what we're talking about here, just really

close Sherman Oaks and Hollywood are.

I've asked my cartographer to draw up a map.

Well, cut one out.

Well, all right, he flattened the globe.

This, of course, is the ocean, very gray this time of year.

This is...

Sherman Oaks.

And this is Hollywood.

For those of you in our international audience,

this is a map of China.

And it would be as if you were going from, let's say, Zilin to

Guangzhou.

Because you won the what does Guanchao mean to me contest, thereby bringing

honor to your family.

Now, this concludes,

or concludes, it really doesn't matter.

You're an international audience. You don't know really which way it's

pronounced.

But indeed, this really does wind up.

The humorous portion of my monologue.

Now comes the participation portion, which I know you've all been looking

forward to. This is going to be the part where you all sing the opening theme to

my show.

Now, take it easy. I know what you're thinking. Oh, please, Mr. Shandling.

Do we have to sing really, truly?

Yes, you do, because you're here.

and now you have to pay for it. So, it only takes 41 seconds. It'll be

It's not like I'm asking you to sing the theme to 60 minutes, and you have to

sit there and go, tick -tock, tick -tock, tick -tock.

Okay? I'll point out the words for you. Ready, set, go.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show.

Gary called me up. Gary called me up.

I can't wait to know how you like it so far.

How do you like the Gary Show?

This is the Gary Show. This is the music that you hear as you watch

the credit.

We're all watching the part of where I start to whistle.

Then we'll watch the Gary Handling Show.

This is the Gary Handling Show.

You've seen the Gary Stanley Show.

Oh, that must be Pete and Grant now because they said they're stopping over

before they go to Hollywood because, of course, it's on the way. It's right off

the street.

Now, they haven't been to Hollywood before because the Schumachers are

people who don't really travel far from their village.

Hey, guys.

Hey, come on in. How are we doing? Hey, Pete. Hey, Grant.

Yeah.

You guys look pretty darn slick.

Thanks, Uncle Gary. Yeah, congratulations.

Well, we're all real proud, Gary. Yeah, oh, Uncle Gary, do you want to hear the

poem that won the prize?

Oh, sure, Grant.

Great. Yeah.

Here it is. You all want to hear it, don't you?

Fire away.

What Hollywood Means to Me by Grant Schumacher.

H is for Hollywood.

Lando the stars.

O is for the optimist who comes from afar.

L is for Lana discovered at Schwab's.

L is for Lana discovered at Schwab's.

Y is for yearning to soar or to fly.

W is for the wonder I have in my eye.

O is for, oh boy, that feeling you get.

O is for, oh boy, that feeling you get.

which come true at Schwab's. Great.

There were only four entries.

Well, listen, have a great time.

Thanks. Gary, we better be going. Jackie's at her mother's house again

off the baby. So here are the instructions for feeding fishy.

You can play with him, but keep him in the ball this time, Uncle Gary. Oh.

Well, hey, I thought he'd like that ride on the turntable I gave him last time.

Well, see, he didn't.

Well, it wasn't my fault. He liked that. It's when you put the needle on that

scared the heck out of him.

Well, see you later, Uncle Gary. Okay, I'll see you guys. I'll take care of

Have a good time in Hollywood. Oh, Pete, try and get a picture if you see Sean

Penn. Get a picture of him for me, would you? Sure thing.

Real close -up, maybe. Right in his face. You got it, Gary. Flash. You got

Okay, see you, pal.

Hey, son, lunch, souvenir shopping, a late snack?

Yeah, we still have three pictures left. That's right, son. We can take them as

we stroll along the boulevard. Yeah.

Oh, Dad, the Hollywood Wax Museum.

Dad, can you take a picture of me with Frankenstein? Oh, sure, son.

Great.

Pretend that you're scared.

Look, son, Fredericks of Hollywood.

Wow. Son, take a picture of me with these nice girls.

Okay. Pretend like you're stud, Dad.

Look, son, the Chinese theater.

Wow. Dad, can we have our picture taken with that wise man?

That's a good idea, son.

Okay. Oh, a myth. Could you? Oh, my God. Florence Henderson.

Grant.

Grant. Grant.

Get a picture with me and Miss Henderson.

Okay. And like your stud, Dad.

Okay, Grant.

Grant. Not Grant Schumacher, the poetry contest winner.

People ask me to pose for pictures while I beat them up.

Well, I'm tired spending time in jail.

Oh, this is such a special occasion.

Well, I'd love to stay and chat with you darlings, but I am off to a fabulous

Hollywood party with Steve Allen and Jane Meadows. Ciao.

Steve and Jane.

You know something? Nobody but nobody back home is going to believe us.

Oh, Dad, can we see a taping of our favorite television program?

Sure. What programs do you have tickets for? $20 ,000 Pyramid, Full House, It's

Gary Shandling Show.

Oh, Dad, do you want to see Uncle Gary's show?

We'll have two tickets to It's Gary Shandling Show. There you go.

Hooray for us.

No, son.

Hooray for Hollywood.

I didn't see you there. I thought the house was empty.

You scared the hell out of me. Don't ever do that to me.

Oh, I'm just looking for the fish food.

Excuse me. Have we missed anything?

About ten minutes. Gary's feeding his neighbor's fish. Oh, great. Great.

Look, it's my room.

That's it, son.

Thank you very much. You're welcome.

This is great. This is Grant's electric shoe polisher.

Something every kid should have.

We actually chipped in and bought him this shoe polisher because we were

tired of driving him to the airport to do his shoes.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, Fishy's dead.

Oh, it's gross.

How did this happen?

You saw, he was dead before I came in. You saw that.

You've got to stand behind me on this one. How did Fish die like this? Was he

playing in the deep end and drowned, do you think?

Maybe there was a bad auto accident. Look, the police are already here.

Maybe it was a suicide.

I'd better write him a note.

Dear Grant, I was dead before Gary even came in.

I hate those plastic plants.

I have no reason to live.

Goodbye.

I was holding you back.

Love, Fishy.

Wow, this is Grant's, like, little notebook here. There's a lot of...

tic -tac -toe, his hangman.

This is a poem. I love another poem. I love you so, so, so much, Lily.

By Grant Schumacher. Hey, this is a love poem to a girl.

Lily, Lily, eyes are brown.

I'm the guy who from you sits two seats down.

Lily, Lily, hair of black.

You're the girl who from me sits two seats back.

I'm not a smooth talker or a football star.

I'm merely Grant Schumacher, who admires you from afar.

Love, Grant.

Young love.

I wrote a love poem to a girl once from Nantucket.

Nancy really beat me badly at chess. And you know, Nance, not only did she

capture my king, but then she tortured it.

But now we're playing cards, which is my game. There's no way she's going to

beat me.

Okay, it's your go, Gareth.

You do, too, have a nine.

No, I don't. It's right next to the three.

How do you know?

Because I can see it on the monitor.

Cheater. I'm telling.

What? I can't believe you were cheating.

I was cheating. Yes. I said you have any nines. You had one right there. I'm

telling. I'm telling. I'm going to tell on you. Gary, Grant is missing.

What? He heard you read his love poem on TV and he got so embarrassed he walked

out and I can't find him.

I feel horrible. I called the cops and they said they couldn't help unless he

was missing for 24 hours. Gary, what am I going to do?

Just don't worry. Everything will be fine. Yeah, but look, I'll go to

and help you find him, okay? Everything will be fine. Yeah, that's a good idea.

And I'll go back to your house in case he calls. Great idea.

Come on.

And we need your help. Really. Everybody, spread out.

Son!

G -Boy!

Grant! G -Boy!

Gee, boy.

Son.

Spunky.

Spunky. Oh, hi, Gary.

Oh, hi, Florence. Nice to see you. Have you seen my son?

Oh, yes. As a matter of fact, I did. I saw him running that way.

Was he all right?

No, he looked like his best friend had just humiliated him in front of millions

of viewers.

Oh, gee. Thanks, Florence.

I've got to take some ice back to that fabulous Hollywood party I'm at.

dry Steve Allen's mouth gets when he's been composing and singing for hours on

end.

Two cents.

L is for lousy.

The way that I feel.

L is for lousy.

The way that I feel. Grant.

Grant. Come on, Grant.

Thank God you're all right. Well, just leave me alone, you guys. Grant, look.

I made a mistake, okay? I feel horrible.

Yeah, well, now you've completely wrecked my chances of ever getting Lily

like me.

Well, look, Grant, you know...

A woman happens to like it when a man has the confidence to express his

feelings. Yeah, right.

That's true, son.

They do.

Think of the most beautiful women in the world.

Besides Willie, of course.

Well, there's Christy Brinkley. Right.

Jerry Hall.

Right. And Mrs. Tony Bennett.

Exactly.

And what do they all have in common, Grant? I don't know.

Well, you know, these are women who are married to guys who have openly

expressed their love in song.

But I can't sing.

Grant Schumacher.

Granted. But, you know... Come on.

It's Hollywood. You can be whatever you want to be.

That's right, son. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.

Well, that's New York, Pete, but the same sentiment applies, Grant. You

have the courage to express your feelings to Lily.

You know what I mean?

No, I don't know what you mean.

Look, does she spell her name L -I -L -Y?

Yeah, it's Lily.

Okay. All right.

Would her last name happen to be Wood? She's Chinese, Uncle Gary.

Last name's Wu.

W -O -W.

Gary. Gary, what are we going to do now?

Cross your fingers, Pete.

Now, does that give you some inspiration, Grant? Yeah, like, Lily's

to see this sign.

Well, she might. You never know.

Now, you should tell her how you feel.

I already did write this poem, but it's stupid.

Well, come on, let's hear it.

Come on.

Here, stand over at the Beverly Center and read it.

Hooray for Lily Wu.

Want to tell you I'm in love with you. Now, with more feeling, Grant.

Hooray for Lily Wu.

I want to tell you I'm in love with you. Okay, look, maybe this will help you.

Here.

Sing it.

I'm grateful, Lily Woo.

I want to tell you I'm in love with you.

When I see you in the cafeteria, I wish I was near you to share.

confidence in my sexuality.

theme, I think it's only right that you dance with my Gary Stanley dancers to

the closing theme.

Come on. What else have you got to do? Really.

And I'll see you all next week, and we're going to Florence Henderson's

wonderful, fabulous Hollywood party.

You ready, everybody?

Yeah!

Welcome to Johnny's Garage Challenge Show.