Original subtitles

Oh, look.

A fondue set.

What an unusual gift for a baby shower.

Nice, Leonard.

Flaming sternocams.

Hot cheese. Oh, look. Little sharp -pointed spears.

What's the matter with the out -of -machine guns?

Trust me, Nance. A kid never forgets the person who gave him his first fondue

set. I know I haven't.

I'll bet.

Dad? When the baby's born, you're not going to drop me like a hot potato, are

you? You know, the way Ozzie and Harriet did to David once Ricky came along.

Oh, Grant, honey, no parent favors one child more than another.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I can't help thinking, if I was just a little more interesting, you

wouldn't want a second child.

Son, son, there is no chance that I could ever love this baby any more than

love you.

It's impossible.

No contest.

Jackie, is Pete all right?

I don't know. He's been like that all day.

Well,

maybe it's just nerves.

Oh, look, here comes Gary with the monologue. I'm sure that'll cheer him

I've evidently been really starved for entertainment during your vacation,

haven't you?

Well, welcome to the first show of the season. I think we got off to a really

snappy start. What with that killer opening scene with the fondue jokes. I

does it really get any better? Well, anyway, I had a bitchin' vacation.

It's great to be back.

I've been working the whole vacation on my monologue for this show, so I'm

pretty excited. In fact, no, no, no, no. They wanted us to come back in

September, and I said, hey, that only gives me four months to work on the

monologue. You know, I need another six to eight weeks because I got some

Halloween jokes and stuff I want to do, so this is going to work out perfect.

Now, I know you're confused up to this point, but let me continue.

You see,

This is weird. It's like coming back to school for the first time. In fact, I'll

probably get beaten up right after this show.

Oh, yeah, I was beaten up a lot. I was actually deboned in the fourth grade.

Not a pretty thing to see.

Anyway, happy Halloween, those of you... Well, actually, this is the first year

I'm not going out, but I figure I'm old enough, because last year I actually

just... went on a suit and tie and...

went out as a guy who's too old to be going out on holidays.

So we're pretty excited about this season and this show because Jackie's

a baby shower right here on the show. And, you know, she's pregnant and she's

going to be having her baby, I think, about two shows from now. I'm not sure.

I actually haven't checked the schedule. I don't really like to know what's

coming up. So my life is as spontaneous as I can make it.

But, you know, now there's a new, by the way, there's a new law.

And you guys should know about this if you're having a baby. Here in

the baby has to be, if it's in the car, has to be in one of those little safety

seats. You know this. This is now a law. And I was driving down Sunset

Boulevard. And, boy, they were busting the baby. It was a horrible thing to

The baby wasn't in the seat. They had it spread -eagled on the hood of the car,

making it walk the white line. It was just, you know, and they were going,

him, Bob. And they go, You frisk him. I think that diaper might be loaded.

Gary. All of my friends are having babies.

Gary. Gary, I have... talk to you. Pete, I've been working the whole vacation on

this monologue. In private. In private. Don't do this to me. I know you need to

talk to me. It'll take just a second. Okay?

All right?

Okay. You're a good friend.

All right.

Okay, so... Okay, I've lost my place.

Did I do the Halloween jokes?

Yes. Yes.

Okay. I think so.

Okay.

Okay, well, hey, the monologue really isn't that important.

So, uh...

Why don't we just run the opening theme? Can you make it through that? And then

I'll talk to you. We'll go have a private discussion. This better be

by the way.

Okay. See you in just a minute. Have a good time.

Come on.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show.

Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme song.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like the

theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch the

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary's Sandling show.

It's great. We've got to play the long version sometime.

Okay, now what is it? What is it that's so important?

I'm having a tough time.

Well, I can understand that. I mean, look, first of all, you're working real

hard. You got a lot of pressure on you. You got a kid on the way in there.

No, I don't.

No, you don't what?

No, I don't have another kid on the way.

Gary, Gary, the baby that Jackie is going to have is not mine.

I am not the father, Gary.

What a great first call.

Now, this is silly. Come on, Pete. Gary, you don't know. You just don't know

about it, Gary. I don't know about what, Pete?

Jackie's cycle.

Well, he's got me there quite well.

No, and maybe I'm not such a good friend after all.

Gary, when you're trying to make a baby, you get to know your wife's cycle like

it was your very own. Right.

So when Jackie finally got pregnant, I was so happy I didn't question a thing.

Right. But later on, I figured out that the baby had to have been conceived the

week of January 15th. And are you ready for this? We didn't have sex that week!

Well, who did, Pete?

I keep track of my cycle, too, and nothing happened to me that week,

was bad. It was a Super Bowl week, I think.

Gary, Gary, I'm not talking about football. I'm talking about Jackie.

She was in Chicago for her high school reunion, and I stayed home, remember,

because Grant was sick with a case of salmonella. Right.

Yeah. Well, let me ask you this, Pete.

Was Jackie, uh...

I can't believe I'm about to say that.

Was Pete in a, come on, was she in a fertile part of her cycle?

Was she in a fertile part of her cycle?

She was like a tropical rainforest, Gary.

Hello, HCJB in Quito, Ecuador.

We salute you.

I don't know, Pete, then who is the father? What do you, you know?

Donald Rappaport.

Jackie's high school boyfriend is the same guy she spent time with last

in Chicago.

What? Were these taken at the reunion?

I found them hidden in her underwear drawer.

Oh, God. Come on.

I'm telling you, Gary, she's getting back at me. She's getting back at me for

that affair I had last year.

Man, you're overreacting. Did you confront her? You just got to talk to

about this. Gary, Gary, Gary, I don't know how to ask my wife if she's having

her high school boyfriend's baby.

I don't... I feel foolish. No, no, I can't. Gary, Gary, could you ask for me?

Oh, please. Come on. Please, please, Gary. This is something between you and

Jackie.

I can't do that.

Gary, Gary, please. You introduced her to me.

You asked her out for me.

You talked Jackie's father into letting her marry me. And now, and now when the

going gets rough, you bail out. Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot, pal.

Pete, okay, okay, okay. Pete, okay, look.

Okay, I'll talk to her, all right? Thank you.

I don't know how I'm going to go about it, but I'll do the best I can.

But listen, if Grant needs another kidney, man, you get it from Jackie this

time, because I...

I got one left, and I really want to hold on to it, okay? God bless you,

and God bless this show.

Thank you. It's beautiful, Mrs.

Shanley. Wow, that's a nice one.

It's just like Bubba's, but his had a racing stripe.

And a roll bar.

Did you talk to Pete? Is he all right? Oh, yeah, he's fine.

Just fine, really. I'm really worried about him. Well, you shouldn't be. He's

just doing great.

Okay, well, thanks for talking to him. Sure, nothing to worry about.

Oh, Nance, oh, good thing you're walking by.

Listen, uh, we have a big problem. You know, Pete thinks the father of Jackie's

baby is some guy she ran into at her high school reunion.

Oh, my God, that's right. Jackie was fertile when she went to Chicago.

Why am I always the last to know about Jackie's cycle?

Do you guys know? Is it in the paper next to Tides?

Listen, can you give me some advice about how to handle this?

I don't know what to say.

Well, I think probably the most important thing is to just be direct.

Really, I mean, no beating around the bush, Gary, okay? I think you should

just... Well, you want to go with me?

Oh, no.

Come on. No. You can... No, look, you promised Pete that you would take care

this, and I think you should do it.

Well, but don't you think I should wait till after the shower?

Well, Gary, I'm not sure how to break this to you, but you've been stalling

about this for so long, the shower is over and everyone's gone home.

Well, I get that.

That's a lesson to all of us in procrastination.

Well, go ahead and good luck.

Well, did I tell you I was thinking of getting a dog?

I'm thinking of getting like an Irish setter dog. What's your favorite breed?

Gary. Be direct?

Gary, go, now. Well, so I have to go all the way over to her house now? Gary.

Well, I shouldn't be going out. It's a first -stage smuggler. You know, it's

very bad. The smog backs right up against the hill here. Did I ever show

this coconut carving I got in Hawaii?

Okay. I shouldn't even be walking. I pulled my groin in the shower.

I can't say how I did it. It has to do with soap on a rope.

Hi, Jackie.

Oh, hi,

Gary. This is a great tape. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I have this one. Oh, really?

Yeah. You know what my favorite one is? The Jane Fonda pregnancy workout.

It really keeps me in shape. I get that glow about me.

It's difficult. Yeah. I also have the Barbarella workout tape. And boy, she

really grown as an actress. You know? She sure has. And the Tom Hayden workout

tape.

I'm telling you. Then look at you. You've already got your figure back even

before the birth itself. Good for you. Good for you.

Good for you. A lot of women wait until after the pregnancy.

Good for you.

You know, I'm glad you came by, Gary. I was going to call you.

Pete's still acting strange.

Well... Has he said anything to you? No, nothing really, you know. I think he's

doing fine.

Really? Say, you know, I never got to ask you about your high school reunion

when you went.

Was that... Did you have a good time?

Yeah, it was fine. Oh. Yeah.

Did you get to see Donald Rappaport?

Oh, my pies.

Gary, will you excuse me? Sure.

I believe I have some pies in the oven.

I best check on those. I'm sure they're done.

Boy, I don't know. It sounds like a cover -up to me. Remember when they

Gary Hart if he slept with Donna Rice and he said, my pies.

I'm telling you, I don't even think Jackie makes pies.

I'm not sure she has an oven quite.

What are you doing in here? Did you talk to her? Yes, I talked to her. And?

And I mentioned Donald Rappaport's name.

Yeah. And, well, to tell you the truth, Pete, does Jackie make pies?

Just as I thought. I got to get to Chicago to see Donald Rappaport.

boy, Mr. Shanley. And my own stewardess.

Hi, Candy.

So, what time is the puppet show starting?

About ten minutes.

Would you like to rent a headset?

Rent a headset?

Gary Shanley. You're Gary Shanley, aren't you? Right, right, right. How are

I'm great. I know how you must feel.

What are you doing in Chicago?

Don't you have a show to do today? Yeah, well, as a matter of fact, we're on it

right now, you know.

Really, the story involves you and a mutual friend of ours, Jackie

Schumacher? Jackie Schumacher?

Yeah. I don't know. Gee, what was her maiden name?

Oh, yeah, Jackie Schoonocker. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm a friend of Jackie Schoonocker. I know Jeff. Is she not? Yeah.

Is she all right? Oh, yeah. No, she's great.

She's great.

Her husband's a little concerned about what might have happened between you two

guys when she was here on her high school reunion.

Oh, God. Really?

Yeah. Is there anything that might have happened there that would... Well... Oh,

gee, not this. Really?

Look,

look, why don't you come on in? I'll tell you all about it. Oh, I'd really

more comfortable. No, no, no, no. I can't do without you. I really can't go

there, though. Come on, just for a beer, and I'll put the game on. Well...

I'll bet this is how Jackie got it.

What's going on, Nancy? Where's Gary?

Well, he just told us to wait here for him, and he said he'd be here soon.

Imagine what Sky King must have gone through.

Gary, where were you? I was in Chicago.

Donald Rappaport. God, you are handsome.

What are you doing?

Donald.

Hi. Hi, Jackie.

What have you done, Gary? Take it easy. Just a minute now.

Boy, look at Donald and Pete together. Kind of reminds you of that Star Trek

episode where there were two Captain Kirks, doesn't it?

Remember the one with the trivel?

I like that one.

Pete, Donald has something he wants to tell you.

Pete, um... Go ahead, Donald.

Pete, you don't have anything to worry about. Jackie's carrying your baby.

Oh. Is that so?

Yes, that's so.

Then why did you mention pies when Gary brought up Donald's name?

Because I did come on to your wife. Donald, I...

I had a crush on Jackie Shunocker all through high school.

Naturally, over the years, I forgot about her, but when she came back for

reunion, and just seeing her rekindled everything, and I was almost successful,

too. What? You saw her breasts, didn't you?

Gary. What?

He promised he was going to tell me the whole flight. I'll tell you later. I'll

tell you later. What? I was still angry. I was hungry at you about that affair

that you had last year.

And in my mind, I wanted to get back at you.

But no matter how tempting it was... And it was tempting, Donald.

I just couldn't get myself to go through with it.

I love you, Pete.

Jackie loves you, Pete.

I heard her.

Then why'd you go to Chicago when you were fertile?

I was also fertile when we snuck into the broom closet at the captain's club

when my flight was delayed.

That's right. I forgot about that.

How did you forget about a thing like that?

Oh, you are so naive.

I'm so sorry, sweetheart.

And I'm sorry too, Curly Bear.

And as for you, buddy, the next... Next time you try to rekindle your crush on

Jackie Schumacher, just remember her name is now Schumacher with an M, and

stands for mine.

Are you mad at me?

If so, I apologize.

But please, do me a favor.

Don't sleep with my wife.

Well, I think that goes double for you at home.

Bye, Jackie.

Bye, Donald.

Hey, Donald, thanks. I really appreciate you flying out.

No problem.

Can I fly you back? No, no, that's okay. I'm going to. I think I'll fly back

commercially. Commercial. Well, hey, if you trust those steel planes.

Gary.

I really appreciate what you did for me and my family. Hey.

You are the best, the best of friends.

Yeah, I'm glad it worked out, Pete.

Really. I knew it would.

Well, I'm going to do the closing monologue. You guys want to stick

no. No, no. It was a great show, Gary.

Really? But thanks for everything, Gary. Okay, Jackie. Thanks a lot.

I'm glad it worked out. I'm just teasing about the jokes that I did about

sleeping with you.

See you, Pete.

Boy, it was like a plane crash there.

Well, that's our show for tonight.

me because it wasn't an easy show to do it was our first show and you know we're

a little rusty from the summer quite frankly so we're doing the best we can i

think we'll be in shape by the all -star break though so and i think we learned

something very important tonight you know uh we learned that uh jackie's baby

was really fathered by pete so we can go ahead now and have our name the

schumacher uh baby contest we have a lot of contest planned for this year so you

want to stay tuned and they're all in this book and um

don't actually need this book to tell you about the contest but you know

choosing a child's name is something that requires a lot of care and love you

know things that only you our home audience can provide so

get those pens and pencils and maybe some paper and get ready for the

address because this is really a contest tell them about it dick where they can

mail their entries to Send your choice to name the Schumacher baby in care of

its Gary Shandling show.

Post office box 6010, department 849, Sherman Oaks, California, 91413.

Members of the Schumacher family and their employees are not eligible.

All entries must be received by the closing credits of the 10th show.

Now, back to you, Gary.

I don't think Dick is ever going to get it right, quite frankly.

So, thanks for watching tonight.

And I know you've been sitting there for well over 20 minutes watching the show,

and I really appreciate it. And I imagine that you should get up and do

exercise.

Why, you say?

Because I really want to show you my home pregnancy workout tape, my favorite

one. And it'll be good for you. I flew to Chicago and back. I've worked out

half hour, and now it's your turn. Get up, come on at home, and do a little

exercise, okay?

Come on, everybody, join in. Come on. Good for you. Good for you. Good for

Good night, everybody.

Hope you enjoy this Gary Channing show.