Original subtitles

I understand that you're really anxious to see the monologue.

But, you know, this is, well, this is going to come as a shock to a lot of

This is not only the last show of the season, and yet this will not come as a

shock to any of you, what I'm about to say. But this is also my, personally, my

last It's Gary Shandling show.

Well, you know, look, you guys weren't here when I moved in and started the

show, so you have nothing to complain about, quite frankly.

You know, I've done a lot of jokes. I've done this show for eight months. It's a

pretty full career for me. I never expected it to go this long. I've done

jokes about my hair that we're all sick of. I mean, how's my hair look? And my

friends say, can't you talk about current events? I said, sure.

How does it look right now?

But they're hair jokes. I've done them on The Tonight Show. I've done them on

Entertainment Tonight.

You know, and that's really dipping into the barrel. You know what I mean?

So I've just about, I got, I got, I got sex jokes.

You know, I have a mirror over my bed and on it it says, objects are larger

they appear.

You've all heard that. We're tired of hearing it, you know.

They're jokes. I got routines. I got whole routines. I got stop for a

ticket. The motorcycle cop pulls me over, has his gun there, and says, you

you crossed in the middle of the block.

I said, oh, gee, is this going to go on my record, or can I go to walking school

and have this taken off? How does this work?

If I get three of these, do you take my shoes?

You know, and it goes on and on. These are routines, you know.

But the good news is I'm going to be seeing you all because I took a new

dramatic series. I'm going to be the lead in a cop kind of show.

Well, thanks for the support, really.

It's going to be shot in New York, and I think it's the real me because I get to

play a tough guy.

And it's in New York, which is my, you know, hey.

New York, New York, what a wonderful town. The Bronx is up and the batteries

aren't included. How does that go?

New York, New York, what a wonderful town. My bronchitis is up and my

temperature's down. I don't know, you know.

New York, New York, what a wonderful town.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like

the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost two feet apart from where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Gary Shandling show.

This was the theme that Gary Shandling showed.

Hi.

I've got to tell you the truth.

It's weird for me. This is the last time I'm going to be hearing that theme. And

I ruined this joke. I was supposed to say, these are the pictures of New York

before the theme, but I'm just not into the show because I'm out of here.

And let me show you. I have a videotape of the network promo they're going to

run for my new cop show.

What, you want to see it?

Don't ever, by the way, make the mistake of putting a book in your VCR. It

really ruins it. It doesn't rewind the book, and, you know, it's a mess.

He's an expat from the jungles of Vietnam.

She's an ex -hooker from the jungles of New York.

Gary Shanling is Force Boxman.

Angelique DeWitt is Amaretto Jones.

Together, they're undercover cops fighting the war against crime on Force

Boxman.

What are you thinking, Force?

These punks don't count for a...

bit. Coming this fall, Gary Shandling is Force Boxman. Watch him and watch out.

Go ahead. I dare you.

You know, and I got a great time slot. I'm on right after Lotto.

So...

You know, I know my Uncle Larry's going to be watching, you know.

Hey, isn't that the beginning to New York, New York?

Well, maybe it's Frank Sinatra.

Start spreading the news.

Is this version actually more exciting than Sinatra's? I don't know.

Of course, I'm seeing it live. You've got to see the Schumacher's live. It's a

whole other experience, really.

Gary, Leonard tells me Red Buttons is going to be subletting your play. That's

right.

Honey, I was very impressed by his application.

He's got everything we want in a tenant. No children, no pets, and an Oscar in

1957 for Sayonara.

Gary, Gary, I got you going to Vegas.

Not on the face. No, no, no, no. It's a pair of French puppies. It's the way

around New York. Now, these are the 88 models. So nobody has them. So if

asks, you made them yourself.

That's not on the page.

I'm going to miss you, Gary.

Thanks.

Gary. Oh, I made these myself.

Box two.

Made the box of shots.

Fine.

Gary, listen, I know you're just going to do great in New York, and I'm sure

they're like...

millions of beautiful girls just dying to be your platonic friend.

Yeah, that's kind of my fantasy, to talk to a different woman every night. I

remember once talking to myself in the bathroom while my mom said, what are you

doing in there?

Gary, this is for you, and don't open it until you get to New York. Oh, thanks,

Nancy. That's really nice. Gary, I said...

New York? I thought you said right now. New York, right now.

Okay,

fine hands. I'll miss you guys.

I'm sorry.

Bye, Gary. Bye, Gary.

I'll be the same, Gary. Take care. Bye.

Bye.

Well, I guess that's it for us. Anybody want a beer? Oh, yeah. Good idea.

It's always like this. The second I say goodbye, everybody starts to party.

You know, it's that reaction that I'm going to miss the most.

Let me see it one more time. Come on.

No, it can't be that.

How many of you think Bruce is overpaid?

Oh, Mom, that's really nice of you. Thanks.

There, you're all set, dear.

Oh, thanks. You get the couch?

Piece of cake.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, Bubba, give me a hug. Give me a hug.

I just hope this forced boxman is what you're looking for.

Yeah, I hope so, too, Mom. I'm pretty sure it will be.

You know, this is a very big step for you.

Your first show without your mother.

Yeah, but there's going to be a woman with me all the time on that show, so

it'll be very similar, you know. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

An ex -hooker named Amaretto. Yeah.

Right. Well, you know. Oh, yeah, sure. So that's the same thing.

Well, I guess it's all on your point of view, you know, but... I don't have

another joke on that, Mom. You don't have one more? What is that you have

Oh, this is a... I got these for you. For me?

Yeah. Oh.

I made them myself.

Oh, well, then that makes it much better. Much better.

Goodbye, darling. See you, Mom. Yeah, drive carefully. I'll call you. Will

Yeah. Okay.

You still listed?

Yeah. Okay.

That's just a joke.

Goodbye, everybody.

moving to the country.

It's a Green Acres joke.

Uh -oh.

It's getting dark.

I've been driving a long way.

Boy,

look how clear it is in the country.

You can see the whole solar system.

Hello, John Glenn. We salute you.

And look, there's a space capsule.

Right in the eye.

screen door to keep the flies out all right would you mind watching my stuff

while i'm in here eating because my stuff is outside thanks thanks a lot if

anything's missing it's on your head can i have a cup of uh we're gonna watch a

special premiere episode of a new hit comedy series in stereo

where available

Michael Tucci and me, Ed Hurley. And now here he is, the man who never got a

dinner, Mr. Red Buttons.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much, and

thank you, Ed Hurley. You're a wonderful man, Ed.

Before he became an announcer, he was a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I want you to know that I am absolutely delighted, more than delighted, I'm

actually thrilled to be back with my own show again. Because if you stop to

think about it, some of the biggest people in the history of the world never

their own show.

I happen to have right here in my inside pocket a small list of some of the

biggies since the beginning of time who never...

Did their own show.

Adam.

Adam, who said in the Garden of Eden, I got more ribs, you got more broads.

Never had his own show.

Lot. Lot, who said when his wife was trained into a pillar of salt, salt I

popcorn I need.

Never had his own show. The mayor of Sodom, who said to the mayor of

why don't we merge and call it Knott's Landing?

Never had their own show.

Cain, whose wife divorced him because he wasn't able.

Never had his own show. St.

Francis, whose own father called him a sissy.

Never had his own show.

Moses. Moses. Moses who said when the Red Sea divided, what the hell is that?

was just going in for a dip.

Never had his own show.

Noah's wife who said to Noah, don't let the elephants watch the rabbits.

She never had her own show.

And King Solomon, King Solomon who said to his thousand wives, who hasn't got a

headache?

Never.

Goodness, Nancy.

Oh, it's so happy to see you. Oh, what a wonderful woman. What a woman, a woman

with heart.

A woman who spends three days a week in hospitals, teaching nervous people how

to eat jello.

Look who's here.

My goodness, is this a kid?

Is this a kid?

That's what people keep asking. Is this a kid?

But he's a wonderful kid. He's a good boy.

He's a boy who once scotch -taped a worm to a branch just to watch some bird get

a hernia.

Pete,

the father.

Is this a father? Is this smart?

The brains of the family. A man who once tried smoking hash, but the corned beef

kept falling out of his pipe.

Red. What? We have a problem. What? What problem? What?

Grant is flunking history.

Flunking history? Kid, I know all about history. It was Abraham Lincoln who once

said a house divided is a condominium.

It's yours.

You got it. You got... Leonard, my boy.

Ah, take a look at Leonard, folks, huh?

Leonard, God bless him. A man who recently willed his body to science.

And science is contesting the will.

That's the kind of man...

What a family. Excellent.

Oh, my goodness.

Mrs.

Shandling. Oh, so good to see you. There's a woman with guts.

I mean guts.

A woman who went down to the Russian embassy and sang Look for the Union

in Polish.

That's the kind of woman we have here.

Oh, Red, I want to tell you how much I loved you in The Poseidon Adventure.

No kidding.

Well, which part did you like best?

Um, the part where Shelly Winters dies.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, the rest of the cast liked that part, too. Yes.

Yeah, you know that Shelly kept... She kept talking for five minutes after she

died? Oh, yeah. They had to beat her liver to death with a stick to get her

shut up.

Quiet.

Listen, would you like to go out?

Oh. Oh, my goodness. Oh, sure.

Really?

This man right here once gave a guy a Polaroid who only had nine seconds to

live.

Hey, Red, I want to tell you something. I never had my own show, but I got a

girl in the car.

You coming?

You kidding? You coming?

Mrs. Chandling, you coming? Let's go.

Let's go.

Mrs. Chandling, what a woman.

What heart.

What feeling. A woman who once yelled at the screen when she was watching the

movie Gandhi.

Eat a cookie, who's gonna know?

Where was Steve Rossi? What the hell was going on there?

I don't know. And have you ever seen a counterman with more hair than this on

his chest?

Well, you don't remember.

All right.

Maybe the answers are here in Nancy's letter.

at some trendy restaurant.

I hope you found what you're looking for because you deserve it.

Well, knowing you, you're probably drooling right now.

But don't.

Because we'll always be here if you need a friend.

Even if you're whining.

God bless you, Gary Shandling.

This is ho -ho, ho -ho, ho -ho, ho -ho. You got it. You got

it. Ho -ho, ho -ho, ho -ho, ho -ho.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, it's Gary Shandley. Hey, Gary.

Hey. Hey, Gary. I came back. We're finally on a hit show. We're all going

famous.

Kids, can you hold it down a little bit?

Look, I made a mistake about this forced boxman thing. I thought I didn't want

to do comedy anymore. And then I saw you and I saw my friends and I realized I

missed everybody.

And what I was wondering is, you know, do you think I could do like a small

on the show and come back? Maybe I could play the whiny mailman or something

like that.

Wait a minute. A part?

As far as I'm concerned, you're going to have the whole show back.

You started it.

I mean, all I did was come in and make it funny.

Well, you know, I don't know how you do this. I've never seen them this happy. I

mean, you've been in show business so long. How do you keep it fresh, Red?

was my problem.

Look,

a joke is a joke.

It isn't the joke that make it fresh and keep it fresh.

It's the people, the audience, your friends.

They keep it fresh.

Let me put it this way. Let me tell you.

You know, you spritz, you zing, you give a zet, a little knock.

Maybe a noot.

A noot, that's right. But then, you know what? You make nice,

and you end always with heart.

Thanks, Red. See, this is a great ending, because you're giving me back

show.

Well, thanks.

I'm glad I never went to New York.

You been there?

I've been there? Of course I've been there. New York? I've been everywhere.

It's my life.

It's what I do. I schlep, I go.

I do.

Everywhere. Doesn't matter where.

I am there.

In Harlem, at a rally of black hockey players for Reagan.

I was there. I was hocking. I was poking. I was black. I was there because

is my life.

This is what I do.

In Capistrano, when the swallows returned to Tina Turner's hair.

I was swallowing. I was teening. I was turning. I was there. That's why I'm

tonight.

At a Joan Crawford child slapping contest.

In Selma, Alabama. I was Selming. I was Crawfing. I was slapping. I was there.

This is it. That's why I'm here right now with you.

What do you mean, was I there?

At the annual Beverly Hills High School Guess Who Your Father Is PTA meeting.

Certainly I was there. I was peeing. I was teeing. I was aying. I was there.

That's why I'm standing here right now in Tokyo at a reunion of Japanese

kamikaze pilots whose motto is we may be yellow but we're not schmucks.

I was there. I was yellow. I was schmucking. I was there. That's why I'm

What kind of a question was that?

in Nantucket at a convocation of seafaring rabbis who believed that

only wanted a circumcised Moby Dick.

I was there. I was psyching. I was sizing. I was moving. I was dicking. I

there.

happens now?

Uh, we end warm.

Ah, you're a quick study, Chandling.

Give me a kiss, kid.

Hope you enjoy this Gary Sandling show.