Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Thank you very much. No, no.

No, no.

Okay. All right.

Just so you folks at home know, we have somebody queuing the applause.

It's the same people I take with me on dates. All right?

Welcome to the show. It's, of course, great to see you. I really can't see

but what the hell.

And we have a wonderful show. It's come at the end of one of the craziest weeks

we've ever had here. No, no, let me tell you about the week we've had.

You're not going to believe this.

Some of you are going to be ahead of me on this, but Nancy got her toe stuck in

a bowling ball, all right?

And the strange thing is, she raised her average.

Okay.

The Schumachers, the Schumachers, the entire family got amnesia, which

doesn't affect their lives at all. It's a weird thing.

I swallowed a harmonica again. I can't get into that whole story, how it

happened. Just trust me, it was bedlam the whole week.

Unfortunately, none of that stuff happened on the day we taped the show.

Did you ever notice a lot of other television shows, all the exciting stuff

happens to happen.

the day they do the show.

What a coincidence.

Here we just live, you know.

And there's really nothing going on today. I just have to straighten up the

house. I have some cleaning to do.

And it's not going to be all that exciting. I guess it's what you call bad

timing, quite frankly.

Oh, except Nancy's coming over to do some ironing, so...

Maybe it won't be as dull as I thought.

On this show, ironing is like a car chase.

That's how exciting it is.

Hi, Gary. Oh, Rob.

Hey, everybody. It's Rob Reiner.

Nice to see you, Rob.

Come on in.

It's great to see you. What are you doing here? Well, you know, I love the

You always said if I was ever in the neighborhood to stop in, so here I am.

Well, great. It's great to see you. Yeah.

There's really nothing going on today.

Well, I thought maybe, you know, you could have me do a bit, you know,

something, a little character or something on the show, a little bit or

something. You want a job?

You want a job? Yeah, yeah.

It's been rough, Gary. It's been really rough.

Ever since all in the family went off, you know, I've been typecast. That

meathead thing is following me around like a bad dream.

Like a nightmare.

No, I know what you mean. I'm typecast as Gary Shanley. Oh.

Oh, that's worse. That's much worse.

I think you might be digging yourself a hole you may never be able to get out

of.

Yeah, well, Rob, I don't know what to say. I mean, there's nothing really that

could... Wait a minute. How about a Mr.

Fix -It kind of thing? You know, like Pat Harrington used to do on One Day at

Time. Remember that Schneider character who used to come in? He had the belt

with all the tools. He never fixed anything. He just made sexual overtures

Bonnie Franklin.

Not that I want to make sexual overtures to you. I just, you know, no.

I think it's a character, or maybe you could work it in. Yeah, well, you know

what? I think Pat Harrington's available. If we wanted to go that way,

probably get him. Oh, yeah, well... I don't think we need to go... Yeah, but I

think he'd only scratch the surface of the character. I think I can add another

level, go deeper.

There's nuances in Schneider that I think haven't been brought out.

Was he Jewish?

I don't know.

Schneider, Jewish. I don't know. I never really saw the build. You want to,

um...

You can help clean up if you want. Clean up? I've got to do dishes.

Dishes? Fine. You don't want to do that. No, no, anything.

Listen, beggars can't be choosers. I'll do anything. All the big directors want

to come over and do a part of my show. Great, great.

Do you have any rubber gloves?

Oh, yeah.

My doctor just sent me a new case. They're right under the sink.

Right next to the thermometers.

Okay.

Well,

this is great. We'll come right back after these important opening credits.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write a theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like

the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch the

Sandling show.

This was the theme that Gary Sandling showed.

Look at this.

Rob, you're doing a great job. Get a tight shot of this. Can you see this?

at that.

Is that a great job?

I forgot. I forgot how much fun acting is. I'm getting that bug again. Where's

another plate?

Listen, Rob, why don't you just keep doing that? I got to go do my laundry

I'll come right back. Okay, all right. I'll be here doing the dishes, acting up

a storm if you need me.

Great. Why don't you stretch a little and maybe clean the oven?

Good idea.

Good idea.

Strasburg said the key to acting is scouring.

Okay.

Don't you wish you got applause when you walked into a laundry room?

Well, I sorted out all my stuff into colors and whites, which is not easy

because a lot of these stains can go either way.

And I have some laundry room tips for you. First of all, use Mexican coins.

Save you a lot of money. They're much cheaper, same size, and it helps the

economy of Mexico.

Okay, now.

Oh, gee, somebody's clothes are already in here.

Well, hello there.

Well, I haven't seen through you before.

You live in the complex?

I don't think so.

I haven't seen you around.

Come to this, I'm hitting on women's clothing.

Have you seen Radio Days?

Maybe we could go sometime.

That blouse doesn't talk.

But this one speaks for itself.

The name will be...

That's a cool name.

Yeah, I'm lucky to have it.

On such a hot, hot night.

It is hot.

Unbearably hot.

Almost as hot as the fire that burned the very essence of my

womanhood.

I was just going to say that.

Sylvia?

Let's do a load together.

The other machines are full.

So very, very full.

I think it's a good thing I wore my lint trap.

So what's your cycle, Sylvia? Anything but delicate.

I don't care as long as we rinse afterwards.

Sylvia!

Sylvia! Sylvia's voice is changing.

Or I'm in big trouble.

Sylvia!

Oh, boy, this guy sure knows how to suck the steam out of a room, doesn't he?

Nobody messes with my woman. Ex -woman. How'd you find me anyway, huh?

Oh, like I couldn't see the steam or hear the saxophone music?

Well, hey.

Okay, monster lips.

How you doing?

Time to rearrange your face.

Cut it out.

How do you know these are my lips?

Come on, you're always beating up on somebody. Why don't you just take the

off? Yeah, yeah, it's only Tuesday. You got a whole week ahead. You should pace

yourself a little bit.

Okay, laundry boy, this is just a taste.

But if you ever see Sylvia again, I'll kill you.

Oh, there goes half my sex life.

It's not, you know, and I think what the worst thing is, is I didn't even get

all my laundry done.

Well, it depends how you define clean. You know, if you mean soap and water,

it's not that clean, but, you know, I crumpled it all up, and then I

it, and a certain amount of dirt flies off when you do that.

It's how single guys do their wash. You know, it's, look, you go, clean, it's

clean.

And it's not easy to clean your clothes when a guy's threatening to kill you,

you know?

You know, Gary, if this guy weren't threatening you, would you want to see

Sylvia again?

Well, you know, I think so. Well?

I've been thinking about her. Then there's your answer.

Oh, Nancy, did you meet Rob?

Rob, Nancy?

Oh, hi.

How are you?

I was thinking when I gave that psycho my phone number.

Thank God you're okay.

Yeah, the word on the street is that you got the crap kicked out of you in the

laundry room.

Grant, don't say crap on television.

Gary, we were worried sick.

Hey, hi, Rob.

Oh, hey, look.

Meathead's doing dishes.

Boy, I loved you on All in the Family.

What was that line you always said?

Edith, you dingbat.

No, no, no. Archie used to say that.

Oh, well, what was it that you always said?

Well, I don't know. Sometimes I said, come on, Gloria, let's go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. I love that line. That's terrific.

Excuse me, Robbie.

Gary.

nothing to worry about, because if that bully comes, he's going to have to get

through me, my son Grant, and my friend Rob Reiner. Right, boys?

Uh, I'm just here to do the dishes.

Maybe I'll clean up after the fight.

Look, there's not going to be any fight.

No fight?

Jericho Gary, you're not a chicken, are you?

Of course he isn't, son.

Grant, you have to understand, just because someone doesn't fight doesn't

necessarily mean they're a chicken.

You know, some of the most courageous men in history didn't believe in

That's right, like Don Knotts.

I was thinking more along the lines of Gandhi.

Look how Don Knotts and Gandhi got lumped together.

What are the odds of that?

Other than that height -weight chart.

You know...

I really got to go somewhere where I can just think this stuff through, all

right? Sure.

You like the Gandhi thing?

Pretty funny? Not really. You didn't like it? No.

Yeah, well, that's why I'm in the next scene and you're not.

Well, this is the room I grew up in, in my mom's house, and it's exactly the

same, except my mom's roped it off.

Can you believe that? It's like her own little Graceland.

Oh, look, it's his globe. No wonder he did so well in world geography.

They're on their way to the gift shop.

My mom's fixed it so it's the only exit.

Anyway, this is where I come to really sort things out when I need to, and I'm

really confused about what to do with this bully. You know, I could fight him.

Seriously. But I just don't like fighting. And it's not because I'm

It's just this thing I have. And, you know, I'm in good shape for a guy with

body. And, oh, this is my very first flashback

booth.

Remember your first flashback booth?

Sure you do.

So, I wonder if it still works.

I used to put this on when I was like two years old and go back to a time when

was still breastfeeding.

Let's see if it works.

Alakazam.

Alakazite.

Show us the reason I don't like to fight.

Hi, everybody.

Welcome to my room.

That's the voice I'm going to use when I grow up.

Easy on the ear, don't you think?

Shanley, fork over lunch money.

Lunch money?

You came into my home for lunch money?

One of the last few bullies to make house calls.

Hey, squirt, you asked for it. Hey, cut it out.

Is that you and what army?

Oh, you poked my eye out.

You poked his eye out?

I thought that was just a figure of speech that moms use to discourage

horseplay.

I don't want to hurt people.

Hurting people is bad.

So to make up for this, I vow that for this day on, I'll become a

comedian and be nothing but laughter.

to this entire free world. And I promise to lead a life of non -violence.

So an accident such as this will never...

know what to do with that bully. You know, I just got to get a really big

band.

Maybe like a fan belt or something.

Just pull it back and snap it in this guy's face. Oh, Bubba.

That flashback book still looks nice on you.

How far back did you go? I went back to 1960.

That's right.

Oh, thanks.

Well, I know that was a real rough year for you. Very draining this time to go

in there. So, why don't you lie down in your old bed? Huh? Come on. Oh, Mom,

it's still light out.

Come on, let's play our little game.

Alley -oop.

You're kidding.

Come on.

Mom, that was a long time ago.

Oh, please, your mother.

Alley -oop. Oh, there we go.

There we go.

Now, lie down.

Mom. Lie down and shut your eyes. then I'm going to sing you a

lullaby. Because you've had a busy day. Now it's time

for you to rest.

You're almost 38 years old, but your mom thinks you're the best.

Tomorrow's a brand new day where you can hop and skip and play.

So good night, little one. Sleep tight, little one.

Well, I slept last night at my mom's house, and I thought about it all day.

And I decided to call Sylvia and invite her over for a candlelit dinner because,

you know, thanks to Rob, and he's been doing this for 24 hours now, you gotta

remember.

Thanks to Rob, my place is finally presentable to have guests, you know?

Thanks, Rob. Oh, my pleasure, my pleasure.

Why don't you take a break?

No, no, I'd love to, but I hear a toilet that's crying out for help.

Rob, you really... Rob, Rob, you don't have to clean the toilet. I don't mind.

really... I don't mind, Gary. Rob, don't. I don't mind. It's okay. Okay,

get under the rim, will you? Okay.

Oh, I wonder if that's Sylvia.

I hope I made the right decision.

It's Sylvia, all right.

Either that or Sherlock Holmes.

the right decision huh looks like there's going to be a break in the heat

maybe even in your dry spell tell me about it

Hey, psycho, why don't you get it through your head that she's not your

girlfriend anymore, huh? You're talking.

Don't do this. You can't talk. You're going to be sorry, man.

Dead man don't talk, huh?

My bow, my bow, my bow, my bow.

Did you hear about the guy who goes to a psychiatrist and the psychiatrist says

you're crazy? And the guy says, I want a second opinion. He says, okay, you're

ugly too.

No, this is a good one. Listen, and he says, the doctor says, I have good news

and bad news. The bad news is, you've only got six weeks to live. The good

is, I made love to my nurse this morning.

Okay, one more. This is mine. This is my own. I made love to this woman, and I

said, was it good for you? She said, it wasn't good for anybody.

guess we've learned a lesson tonight, huh?

If your jokes are good enough, you don't need to resort to violence.

A lot of comics gotta carry like knives and stuff.

Not me.

Well, we can be alone now, Sylvia.

Oh, my God, that sounds just like Johnny.

He must have busted out.

Oh, no.

Yeah. You think I should call her?

What?

Okay,

because I was right on the line, to be frank with you.

I'll take your advice, thanks, and just let her go.

Well, Gar, I guess it's time to wrap up my involvement in the show.

Rob, it was... I loved having you. Yeah, I hope you don't mind me knocking that

guy out. I know I was...

only supposed to clean up and stuff, but I saw him strangling you, and I just

seized the moment. You did the right thing. I hope you don't think I was

my part or anything.

I saw it. I took the moment. I just took it. I took it.

You had to go with your instinct there. I had to go. That's an actor's guts, you

know? You had to go with it. It was great.

Yeah, it felt right.

I want you to know you can come anytime.

Really? Yeah, you can come back to the show anytime.

Oh, that's great. You can shoot somebody, you can hit them, whatever you

do. That's great. Really, because you could be my bodyguard. Hey, there's an

idea. You want to do that? I'd love to.

So we're friends? Friends.

Good night, everybody.

See you soon.