Original subtitles

I'm pleased to see you. The show's going great.

And I just bought bunk beds.

And I bought king -size bunk beds.

And what? This girl came over. She said, I'll get on top. I said, I'll get the

ladder. She said, you think a lot of yourself, don't you?

And since I saw you, I met one girl.

I went to a barbecue, and I met this one girl who was very pretty. Blonde, I

think. I'm not sure. Her hair was on fire. And all she talked about was

You know those kind of girls? I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me, you know?

Help me, put me out, you know.

I'll wait on some of these. Now, I'm excited because in the current issue of

.A. Magazine, there's an article written by one of my old girlfriends, and I

don't know that girlfriend is exactly accurate, but then either it's the word

my. So, Sarah Reynolds wrote this article, and Sarah and I dated about

years ago, and then she moved up to Canada.

All right, they all move up to Canada, but, you know.

And I really had a crush on her, and we were dating, and she wrote this article,

and I guess she's back in town, and I'm really excited about it, and I thought I

would read you her article.

It's called Montreal, More Than Canada, Less Than France.

You'll get that joke later.

When I first arrived in Canada, I thought, brr, what a cold country.

It's a real article, ladies and gentlemen.

Then I bought a jacket.

I discovered that goose down.

I'll finish this up.

Oh, hey, Pete. Hey, Gary.

Hey, Gary, I want to show you something, okay?

Yeah, but you know, I was going to read this to the audience, and we have to run

the theme yet. We haven't run the opening theme. Oh, okay. Do you want to

down, and then I'll talk to you? Oh, yeah, sure.

I'll talk to you as soon as the theme is over. It should just take a minute.

Okay, you got it. All right.

41 seconds to be exact.

All right.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show.

Gary called me up and asked if I would write a theme song.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far?

How do you like the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch the

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

Is the theme over?

Yeah, this is just the part dogs hear.

Good point, Gar.

Okay, you ready for this?

I have a lingerie catalog.

I'm getting Jackie a negligee.

Oh, yeah? What's the occasion?

Oh, it's no occasion.

It's just that when you've been married for 11 years, your sex life is like a

roller coaster.

It's like clack, clack, clack, clack, clack. And then all of a sudden...

even want to know what part this is, all right?

So what do you do? Then you walk around in a circle and throw up afterwards?

Or what's the... Well, sometimes.

Hi, guys.

Oh, hey, Nan. Hi, Nan. Gary, did you get your new issue of L .A. Magazine?

Oh, Gary, you got your lingerie catalogs out again.

Gary.

Your friend Sarah Reynolds has an article in L .A. Magazine. Yeah, I know.

just getting ready to read it to the audience. I remember Sarah Reynolds. She

was real pretty, long hair. She's terrific.

Yeah. Why'd you guys stop singing? Oh, I don't know. She just... She moved up to

Canada to write on this newspaper, and it's just when we were starting to hit

off, too, you know? Well, I think you ought to give her a call.

Yeah, I was thinking of calling her. Yes.

This is Pete's, by the way.

I just don't know if I remember her number. It's been five years.

It was something like 5 -8 -0 -9 -8 -0 -6.

Well, what if she's married?

Hang up.

Uh, hello?

Is, uh, is Sarah's husband there? This is his boss calling.

Oh, you're not married. Sarah, it's Gary Shanley.

I brought Sarah to five years ago.

Oh, look, they still have my picture up.

You think I look better in a hat?

What is the name, please?

Chandling, Gary Chandling.

Oh, of course, Mr. Chandling. I know your work. Oh, thanks.

Table for one, no doubt.

Actually, I don't want to throw you off. It's two tonight.

Oh, congratulations.

You know, my wife and I watch your show all the time. We enjoy it. Oh, thanks.

How would you feel if I told you you were on it right now?

No. Yeah, really.

Look.

Look.

I feel like Alan Funt right now. Okay. You do?

Oh, yes.

Very nice. Thank you.

It'll be a short wait.

Probably all these other people have their own show, too.

I can't wait to see Sarah. I wonder if she's changed at all. You know, five

years, I know. My lips have gotten bigger.

You, too. You just look great.

Oh, thank you, too.

No, really?

Yeah, really. How's my hair? Your hair looks great. Come on. Really?

Yes. Are you still using the Conner 1500?

Old Bessie? Yes.

Good. Still got her. Good. I knew it.

Chandler.

Chandler. Oh, Chandler.

Well, I sat right behind him in homeroom.

Well, come on. We can sit down. Okay.

Right here in this little coffin.

Great to see you. And I have so many questions to ask you. How's your dad's

prostate? Good, good. Much better, thank you. Oh, sure. Your specialist really

helped him out. Oh, he's great. He's... Hey, I can go horseback riding again.

Yes, I can.

That's great. Shanberg?

Shanberg, party of two?

Mr. Jerry Chandeletti. Oh, that must be... Chandeletti, party of two.

Jerry Chandeletti.

He wasn't in my homeroom.

That's so funny, Gary. You think so? Yes, I do.

Yes. Yeah, sometimes when I watch you on television, I find myself sitting in

the middle of my living room just laughing out loud. Really? Yes. Oh, my

grandfather does that.

Do you drool and bitch about Roosevelt, too?

If the mood strikes me.

If the mood strikes you?

Chandlich. Chandlich. Party of two.

Ling Shan. Oh, this is us. Ling Shan.

Ling Shan.

Damn.

Listen. If he just flipped those, we'd be eating right now.

It doesn't matter, Gary. What's important is that I'm just here with

happy to be here with you. You really feel that way? I am, yes, I do. Is he

great or what?

That means a lot to me that you like her, because frankly, your opinion means

more to me than my own.

Your table is ready.

Oh, great. Gary. Or did he say Larry?

Gary.

Anywhere you like.

We'll eat as fast as we can. I'm not very hungry.

It's a great restaurant. I'm sorry it took so long. She ordered dessert.

Why don't we take a nice walk?

Oh, I think that's a great idea.

Oh, great.

You know, it's a beautiful night, isn't it? Oh, it sure is.

Smells like rain.

Or maybe that's what I'm wearing.

I love Sarah.

Yes, Gary? Isn't this romantic?

Oh, it is.

And look at the reflection of the moon in the lake.

Our lake.

I'm going to name it right now.

Lake Sarah.

Gary, let's make a wish in Ireland. You want to make a wish? Yeah.

Do you have a penny?

Yeah, I think so, if I didn't give it to the waiters a tip.

You wanna make a wish, Gary?

Yeah.

I think I just saw Blue Jane.

Why don't you just make yourself at home, and I'll be back in just a little

minute. Okay, great. Okay.

Yeah, is she great or what?

Good.

Really? You really like her that much?

That's great, because I know how picky you are.

Well, if I blow this one, all kidding aside, I mean, just come over and kill

I'll be right there.

She'll be right here.

You know what that means.

Well, we've been very close so far, but this is where I have to draw the line.

Because I really got to be alone with her.

And I don't want you to see I get nervous.

Okay?

All right.

This is what my mother does right before she puts the parrots to sleep.

Sarah, you look great in there.

Wow.

Oh, man, I never thought.

Let me help you unhook that.

Here. Here, wait. I've got it. I've got it. Oh, man.

Oh, you look so great.

so I practice.

Like you don't.

Club soda with a straw.

Oh, you remembered.

I did.

You have a boyfriend?

Oh, you're going back to Canada. No, no.

I have a boyfriend. I'm going back to Canada.

Come on. I really had a nice time tonight.

Right.

And I really like you a lot.

Well... Uh -oh, here they come.

You have to get up early.

You're not that kind of girl.

You're helping your sister move.

You don't want to wake your parents.

You have homework.

Not in the car.

Not in the bus.

Not in my bed.

Not in your bed. Not standing up. Not sitting down. Not lying down. Not with

you. Not with anyone who looks like you. Not with anyone you've ever met.

Not till they clean up the Hudson River.

Not with this El Nino condition.

I'm still upset about Truman's death.

I've always thought of you as just a friend.

All right. Well... Well, you know, that's not as bad as the El Nino

condition.

No, nothing, nothing.

Well, as long as you had a great time, because I really did. Oh, I did.

I did.

Will you call me sometime?

Oh, yeah.

I will. Good.

Now that we're friends.

Yeah.

go have some beers and pick up girls.

When shadows are deep I lie here beside you

just watching you sleep Sometimes I whisper Knock it off,

Ed. While I'm thinking of my cup Ed, please.

Oh, what a bummer. We feel so sorry for you.

I heard the echo.

That's why I'm here.

You heard the echo?

Yeah, it echoed all over the world.

You're kidding.

Yeah, people in Africa are talking about the way Sarah gave you the kibosh on

that romance.

Really? Oh, listen, Gary, it's happened to all of us.

Yeah, but I really liked her, Nance.

Yeah, but you'll get over her.

Yeah, right. Remember Dave? That guy I had a really big crush on in college,

and, you know, he said he wanted to be friends.

Yeah, and you got over him?

Well, that's a bad example.

Because, I mean, I really never got over him. I think about him every day.

I guess no one really gets over those things.

Well, but maybe it'll be different for you.

Oh, yeah, maybe it will.

It's a good pep talk.

Uncle Gary?

while you're feeling so miserable about yourself.

But I'm thinking of quitting your stupid show.

What is it, Grant? What's wrong?

I mean, Opie had more lines than I do.

There. I said it. Bye.

I'll go talk to him.

Thanks.

Oh, Gary, listen, just to cheer up and try to think positive.

I was in a relationship with Gary Shandling, and it was paradise.

He was loving, caring, attractive, but not intimidating, assertive,

but not overpowering.

He was the perfect blend of id, ego, and superego.

And I'd still be with him today, had not the circus come to town.

My voice is not being electronically altered.

I never talked like this before I met Gary.

But the lovemaking was so intense, I blew out one of my vocal cords.

But believe me, it was worth it.

I'd blow out my brains for another roll in the hay with Shandling.

We're a well -known Las Vegas lounge act who once spent an evening with Gary

Shandling. And all we can say about the experience is... Wow, wow, wow, wow,

Gary!

Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, wow!

Wow, Gary.

Oh, I'm sorry. I had to think that. I'm sorry you had to see it.

But it makes me feel better.

Hey, your name's Shanlon Gary A.? Yeah, who are you?

Captain Gordon, come to kill you.

Trust me, there's not enough story here that I think you really care about. I

don't think you really want to know what happens to Pete and his lingerie, do

you? Come on.

Number two, I don't think you really, really care if I ever see Sarah again.

Do you? Really?

Number three, you know the Greenberry isn't going to kill me because it's my

show. You don't bring a guy in to kill you.

You wouldn't watch it if it was just a dead guy who starred in the show. What

are you going to be sitting there going, I don't know why she won't go out with

him. Maybe it's because he's dead.

So look.

I'll save you the trouble. I'll see you next time with a new episode. And I'm

just going to go right back into this pose.

They call it freezing, but you really stay the same temperature.

That's a little inside tip.

Good night.

Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Tanling Show.