Original subtitles

It's Gary Shandling's show, Scene One, in which Gary does his monologue and

establishes the plot for this evening's performance.

Well, thanks so much.

Thank you.

It's, of course, wonderful to see all of you as well. Thanks so much. And the

gentleman you saw opening the show, it's a little different.

His name is Ian Abercrombie. He's a Shakespearean actor.

And we really got him for a cheap price.

And he's going to play the role of Fate in tonight's show.

So let's see what happens with that, okay?

Otherwise, tonight's show...

It revolves around Nancy, who's going on a date, and I'm going fishing. That's

why I'm dressed like that. Grant and Pete and I are going on an all -men's

weekend, and they're coming right over with some men, probably, and we're going

to head right out. I'm a great fisherman.

Well,

you're laughing at the fact that I'm a great fisherman. I happen to be a great

fisherman. My dad taught me how to fish. When I was about eight years old, my

dad takes me out on a charter boat and casts off, and all my dad catches are

birds. I swear he does.

Have you ever had this happen? My dad takes on a charter boat, casts off the

boat, and hooks a seagull, right?

Because they hover over the boat, and they'll grab the bait as it hits the

water, you know, and everybody's going, hey, how'd you get that worm to fly?

You know, they're making fun of my dad, and I'm going, cut the line, Dad.

There's a bird on your line, and he's strapped to the chair going, he's a

beauty, isn't he, son?

You know, and...

That's all he catches are birds. We were at the park once, and geese flew over,

and my dad's going, gee, I wish I had my rod and reel, son.

So now, and he loves to hunt. My dad used to like to hunt, but he wouldn't

gun or a rifle. He just used to take the Buick down to a deer crossing and wait,

you know, and see one and floor it and get him on the grill. He had a scope on

the grill of the car.

So I went fishing last year with Pete and Grant, and we have no idea what

doing. We're in the boat. We're trolling in the boat. We're going like 60 miles

an hour in the boat, you know?

Do you understand what I'm saying? We're going way too fast. I look back. I look

back. The worm is water skiing, all right?

The worm is on one hook doing tricks, and we didn't catch a thing. So the guy

says, maybe you guys should go to the end of the lake.

The fish are spawning.

So I'm figuring, hey, great, we'll be pulling them out two at a time.

You know, I figure I'll get them while they're doing it.

Well, what is spawning anyway? I don't want to bother a fish while they're

that. I don't want to be making love and someone dangles a pizza over the bed.

You know, and they got to go, excuse me, honey, there's a pizza up there.

So they're coming over. I'm going to get my tackle together while you're

watching the opening credits. I got to get, you know, my balls of fire and

famine eggs and my rubber worms, you know, the same stuff I take on a date,

then I'll be out of here. So I'll see you in a minute, okay?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up

and asked if I was like a team song.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like the

theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary's Sandling show.

What else do I have in here? You want to applaud the theme? One person wanted to

applaud it.

Anyway, the last girl I made love to, I actually had to use sinkers.

So... All right, I'll give you time on some of these.

Thank you. Oh, that must be Pete and Grant now.

Hey, guys. Hi, Gary.

Oh, it's Leonard Smith.

I hope it isn't an inopportune time to come over. You know, Leonard, I'm just

getting ready to go fishing.

Fishing for a story.

This is my cousin from Detroit, the Amazing Al.

Nice to meet you, Al. We're on TV right now.

These lights are bright.

You don't mind, do you? Oh, no, no. Oh, good.

The Amazing Al is a psychic, you know, Gary. And really, believe me, he is

amazing. Oh, I had assumed so. Otherwise, you know, you'd be calling

Hey, Al.

Gary, you're the top of your craft. What did I tell you?

Hey, Al, show him some of your stuff.

I really... I predict that you will receive a present from someone you have

met.

Nice to see you guys.

Please accept this pen and pencil set as my gift.

Wow, I had no idea I was going to do that.

Amazing!

You guys, please accept this open door. Would you please?

Wow, I had no idea I was going to do that.

Gary, sometime today, your hair will look bad from the back.

Okay, quit kidding around. About what time of the day? Do you have any idea?

If I don't want to, I'll carry a parasol if I have to. See, Gary, you've got to

listen to him. Gary, wait.

Do you have a very dear friend named...

Nancy, Pansy, Nanzo, Panson, Nunzo. Nancy. Nancy, that's it.

In the fourth scene of this show, someone, a man, is going to scar her for

Oh, now wait a minute, Al. What are you talking about? Hold on, I've got one

more. Also, tonight you're going to be visited by, oh my, a being from outer

space.

Amazing. Great, great.

Let's hope it's Princess Leia, all right?

Nice to see you guys, really. Thank you so much. Wait, there's more.

Someone's going to say a sentence where all the words begin with the letter G.

Yeah. Can you believe it? Yeah, I bet the word geek is in there somewhere.

Oh, great. This is just knocking at the door. This is turning into a comedy

show.

Hey, Uncle Gary, you ready to go?

Hey, Gar.

Nice to see you.

I'm just packing up.

Why are you dressed already? It's like a five -hour drive to the lake. Well,

this is so we can go right from the car to the boat without losing any time. Oh,

good idea. Maybe I'll open the sunroof you guys control right on the freeway.

Good gag, Gar. Grant, go grab Gary's gear.

That was all G's. But, hey, we all speak in G's sometimes.

Excuse me.

Oh, hey, everybody. It's Pete Conrad, the third astronaut to walk on the moon.

Yeah.

It's great to see you.

Great to see you. Great to see you, Captain Conrad.

Can I call you Captain?

Sure. What are you doing? What are you doing here? Well, I was wondering if I

could use your phone. My car broke down.

God, I hate this planet.

I know what you mean.

Uh... By the way... What's that?

Is there something wrong with your hair?

It really looks bad in the back. Sort of like those chimps that went up before

we did.

No, this can't be.

Wait a minute. All Gs, a being from outer space,

and monkey hair.

Oh, no, Nanzo. I mean, Nancy.

It's the fourth scene. I gotta check this out.

Peter, can I see the script, please?

Okay, scene four.

This is the script, scene four.

Interior restaurant. That's where Nancy's going on that date.

Nancy and Tim. So Tim must be the guy that Al was talking about who's going to

scar her for life.

I'm going to check this out ahead of time.

It's Carrie's Shandling Show, scene two.

where Gary, Pete, and Grant go fishing at the local watering hole. Ian, we're

not doing that yet, okay?

I've never heard such a token, blatant disregard for professionalism.

Need I remind you I've worked with Gilgood Putts?

Ian, just take a break, okay?

And who's Gilgood Putts?

Okay, you guys want to start acting?

Hey, nice to meet you. How are you? Nice to meet you, Tim. Would you like to

join me? Yeah, thanks.

Boy,

he seems very nice.

Excuse me, miss.

Boy, this shirt could use another waitress here, huh? Yeah, I know what

mean. So what do you do for a living, Tim?

I read to the blind.

It doesn't pay a whole heck of a lot, but it's really rewarding.

All right, I know how you feel. I read to the actors who do this show.

You know, this guy is great. I don't think he would hurt Nancy. I don't know

what I was so concerned about. Looks like I'll be able to go fishing after

Excuse me.

Mitt?

What the hell kind of service is this?

Way to go, Tim. Really, that's, uh, make him show you a little respect.

Really. I'll be right back. Really. This guy's a lunatic. It's Gary's Shandling

Show, Scene 3, in which...

In which the fishing party is wracked by a savage storm. Knock it off, Ian.

Knock it off. And how did it get to be scene three already?

It's very simple. Every time you change location, we change scene.

You twit.

Oh, mister trying to copy Margaret Thatcher.

Okay, wait a minute. If this is scene three, then it's the next scene in which

Al said Nancy would be scarred for life. So you know what? We'll just...

We won't do scene four. We'll just stay here, and we'll just do scene three.

Gary, come on. Are you ready to go? And guess who's coming with us? The captain.

Yeah, my car won't be fixed till Monday, so I figure, hey, what the heck?

I hate this planet.

No, I know how you feel. I wish I could go with you guys, but, you know, I got

something else to do that is really important.

But you can stay here if you want. We can fill, you know, the tub with water

you can go fishing.

Oh, no. Not another weekend in Uncle Gary's bathroom.

Don't worry about it, son. I gave you my word that would never happen.

We're going fishing with an astronaut.

Let's go, guys.

Great. I'll see you. Oh, boy. See you, Uncle Gary.

Come on, Captain.

Hey, Pete, you know, we have a lot in common. Yeah? I've been to Florida

Great. Yeah.

Space Mountain?

Super. Huh? Twice.

You know, this might be a lucky break not having to go with those guys.

The important thing is, is that I try to get Nancy out of that date, you know?

Gary?

You think this looks too much like an outfit. I mean, I don't want Tim to

that I went shopping just for him, which, of course, I did. But look, I got

nails done, and I got my legs waxed, and my teeth cleaned, and, oh, just for the

hell of it, I got a new muffler on my car.

Boy, sounds like we get prepared in the same way.

But, you know...

Listen, it's too bad you can't go on that date, you know? Why? Because, well,

there's a war. Did you hear about it? What? There's a war going on right now.

Really. And it was on the radio, and Reagan came on and said nobody should

So, you know, unless you're going to be in a bunker, I think you should really

stay home.

Gary, I'm late as it is. Thanks. Nance, really, I don't want you to go. Look,

look, Leonard Smith's cousin came over, and he's a psychic, and he predicted

something really bad was going to happen to you in the fourth scene. I know it

sounds ridiculous.

Leonard Smith?

Cousin. Who's a psychic. The psychic. Right.

Do you hear what you're saying?

Yeah, it doesn't please me. Gary, please.

Nance, come on. No, Gary, that's enough, really. You know, I'm starting to think

that maybe you've set your hair dryer on stun just one of many times. Don't you

know what I mean? No, but Nance, I'll get inside. That's enough. I'll check on

you later and make sure you're okay. Look, why not play it safe and not go?

What am I going to do now?

If we follow her over to the restaurant, then we'll be in scene four.

So you know what we'll do is we'll just stay here, and this will be scene three,

and we'll do the rest of the show here, and it'll just be scene three.

Okay, so here we are in scene three, and what do you want to do?

All right, no, there's a lot we could do.

You want some dip?

You know what? I'll show you my clothes.

Would you like that? I'll go, and do you ever just stay home and just try

clothes on and look in the mirror?

Or am I just really depressed?

Well, okay, you know, oh, we can do, you know what I like to do when I'm home

alone? We can, you want to practice square dancing?

I thought you might. Are you home alone?

This will be great.

Because I'm home alone.

Well, let's practice.

Fundamentals. We'll start out We'll work our way up.

Come on, everybody.

for interrupting your happy little do -si -do. Ian. Need I remind you, I have

yet to introduce scene four. We're not doing scene four. Go get a mannequin,

stay here and dance, but we're not doing scene four. I'm not going into that

restaurant, so forget it, okay?

No scene four?

No scene four. Did I hear you correctly?

Young man, your show, like every man's show, must go on. Then you know what?

don't you introduce it from there, enter from here. It'll be really neat. It'll

be something real different.

But it's in the closet.

Take this with you, okay?

There you go. Okay.

I will have my just retribution.

You foul emission from my father's loins.

I hate when an Englishman makes fun of my father's loins.

Or did he say lions?

Okay. Should we practice some more? You know what?

Maybe I'll just peek at Nancy and Tim and see how they're doing, because I'm

really a little concerned. If we don't actually go...

into the restaurant, it won't be scene four.

Well, that looks like they're having a good time, but I really wouldn't know

what it looks like to have a good time on a date, because, you know, I keep my

eyes closed.

Hey, it's Gary.

Oh, Gary. Hi, Gary.

Hey, come on in. It's amazing how particular that today's special will be.

Really terrific. Come on in, Gary.

You guys pulled me into scene four.

Do you realize what you did?

It's not my fault, Gary. I predicted it.

You guys are really amazing. Five for five.

Five for five, exactly as I predicted.

Hey, wait a minute. That means you're six for six.

Amazing!

Great, I'm in the goof section.

Nancy, look out.

He's got a knife.

Yes, he's also got a fork and spoon, Gary. It's a restaurant. I don't know.

here. Do you want to join us?

Yeah, I'm going to, I'll just pull up here. No, he wouldn't like to. Gary,

are you doing here? Well, you know, I eat here. I was sitting, I was, I eat

sometimes. I do.

And I just thought I'd come by and see how you guys are doing and how the

service was.

Tim, how are the waitresses tonight?

Enough waitresses?

What do you think, enough waitresses? I don't think there's enough waitresses in

here. Do you?

There's, look, there's none in here. There's not enough.

How's your throwing arm, Pam?

Gary. What?

I'm on a date.

Right. Come on.

Okay, well, I'll just sit right over here.

Okay, what?

I'm just... I can sit any way I want.

So, um, where were we, Nance?

Uh, oh, you were telling me about your grandmother.

Oh, right.

Yeah, I was telling you how every summer at the Cape, that sweet old woman would

lock us in the storm cellar in that turd.

Oh, but she made the best Christmas ham.

But I never got it!

It's okay. I'm really not partial to ham.

It's your last scene, clown lips.

Gary, look out!

Oh, my God!

Oh, no.

Are you okay?

Well, I've been shot.

Don't worry, Gary.

She's going to be all right. It's only a flesh wound.

And you have $1 .47 in your right trouser pocket. Oh, no.

It's the Gary Shandling show, Scene 5, in which Gary delivers his closing

monologue, and I am taken off to jail, where the amazing Alfred Dix, I shall

become the man -boy of Big Mike, boss of Cell Block 5.

Well, I guess we've learned a little bit more about Ian than we really wanted to

know.

You know, Tim caught Ian, turned him into the police, and then started to

the arresting officer.

Good job, Tim. Oh, Nance, sweetheart, just so you know, visiting days are

Tuesday and Thursday!

Yeah, I think Tim just might be a coffee achiever.

Well, I think we've learned a lot tonight. First of all, you know, I think

things are meant to happen, they just happen. You know, it's fate.

Isn't that right, Nance?

Faith? Yeah, you know... No, Gary, Gary.

I took a bullet for you.

No, and you know, that's probably the nicest thing you've ever done for me.

Probably?

Gary, I ate lead.

I'm scarred for life.

I feel horrible about that. But I think... I think the lesson is that, you

there's a natural course of events in life.

And you can't try and mess around with fate because it'll just backfire and

will end up shooting you in a restaurant.

You know what I mean?

Something like that.

Next week's lesson is fireproof pajamas.

Are they really necessary?

I mean, how much friction can you build up there?

I love you all. Good night, everybody. See you next time.

Hope you enjoyed this Gary Salen show.