Original subtitles

leave a message, and I'll call you right back.

If this is a girl, come on over.

Hello? Audience, are you there?

This is Gary. Are you there?

Oh,

would you pick up? Somebody please pick up?

Because I'm calling from my car phone and I'm lost.

I don't know. I forgot how to get to the studio.

I'm just curious. On your way to the studio, did any of you pass a big farm

a red windmill and a...

There's a big cornfield here. Where the hell am I?

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far?

How do you like the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch a

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

most accidents do happen within two feet of home.

There go my insurance rates.

Oh, anyway, I'm sorry I was late, but look.

Fresh corn.

This will be on sale after the show.

And then I'm coming down. Nice to see you all. Hello. I was driving down

Sure, one person's happy. I was driving...

I'm driving down the freeway, and they were doing construction work, and it was

closed. One day they'll have, like, 20 -lane freeways, and there will still be

sign on the freeway that says, write 19 lanes closed. You know what I mean?

Then I see this guy with a compass on the dashboard of his car.

What the hell are those for?

When was the last time you were driving? Were they going to Ecuador or what? I

mean, when was the last time you were on the highway, hit a jungle, and said,

where are we, honey?

Is the compass working? Is the altimeter still happening?

You never really ask directions and someone says, yeah, you go four degrees

north and three degrees west. And you go, damn, if I only had a compass.

Anyway, I guess you're wondering why I'm wearing this racing car outfit, besides

the fact that I look incredibly sexy in it.

Yeah, sometimes I just look in the mirror and think, hey, I've been with

man.

But, you know...

When you don't have a windshield, you got to wear something for the bugs to

smash into.

Of course, I don't need a helmet because, of course, my lips protect my

Oh,

look, a gnat.

I'm chaperoning Grant on his first date tonight, which is great

because I don't have a date tonight. You know what I say.

Chaperoning is the next best thing to being there.

Oh, I guess that must be the end of my monologue.

It wasn't a bad one, really, do you think?

Oh,

hi, Pete. Hey, Gary, hi.

Boy, this is exciting.

Oh, look at him, Gary.

Baby having his first date tonight.

Mom, please.

Oh, don't worry, Grant. My mom still cries when I go on a date.

Hey, Grant, I'm sending you out with the master. Uncle Gary's been on a lot of

first dates.

And you know, the truth is, I wish I could skip first dates altogether and go

right to being dumped. Really.

I think it would take out a lot of the guesswork.

Okay, Gary, now, you know what to do, right?

Take Grant out on his date and maybe a little ice cream afterward. And, Grant,

honey, if you start to wheeze, I want you to use your inhaler.

Mom. Hey, Grant, I go through two, three of those on a date. Really.

The last date I got lucky on, they had to hook me to a respirator.

Okay.

Have fun, honey.

Good luck, son.

I'll see you guys.

Thanks, Gary. See you. Okay. See you. See you.

Well, Grant, you look great.

Thanks. Yeah, I think your date's a lucky girl.

Thanks, Gary. Really. You know, that really means a lot to me, but I'm still

kind of nervous. I mean...

Tim's beautiful.

She's kind of a wild girl. And I'm, well, I'm just Grant.

Hey, Grant, come on. She wouldn't be going out with you if she didn't really

like you, you know?

Yeah. So you should just relax and have a good time. And if she goes to touch

you, don't giggle.

Okay?

That's all there is to it. Thanks, Uncle Gary. Hey, sure. Look, you've given me

the same advice plenty of times. I'm glad I could reciprocate.

I think so.

Uh, okay, because if there's anything you need, I got it here in my pre -date

kit. Oh, yeah?

I got, uh, I got cologne, I got some hairspray, I got some mouthwash, I got

burn cream, and I got some antiseptic wipes.

Well, okay, let's hope you don't need those.

I think I'm okay.

You think so? Yeah.

Boy, you're more secure than I ever was.

All right. Good luck. Thanks.

You know, this walk to the girl's house from the car, it's like the worst, isn't

it? It's like that last walk, that last mile to the electric chair, isn't it? In

fact, I had a priest walk with me my first few days.

And then you got to get by her dad and all those boring questions like, what

grade are you in?

I'm in seventh grade, sir.

Oh, and what do you want to be when you grow up?

A hush puppy salesman like my dad.

there's the multiple choice section.

I'll say C.

B.

None of the above.

And then sometimes the questions get really hard.

Oh, gee, let me see.

The industrial revolution.

Pi times the radius squared.

The Nima, the Pinsa, and... Santa Maria.

The Santa... The Santa Maria. The Santa Maria.

Santa Maria. And Santa Maria.

All right.

And that's just the oral part. Some fathers actually require an essay.

Oh, good. It's a take -home.

Uh -oh.

Here comes the mandatory physical.

Uncle Gary's gonna chaperone.

Chaperone? Grant, don't you think that might be just a little geeky?

But the movie's PG -13.

I mean, we're only 12.

Good guy, Grant. Haven't you ever heard of a fake ID?

Isn't that illegal?

So? Uh, well... Uncle Gary, this is Kim Stevens. Kim, this is Gary.

Oh, hi, Kim. Nice to meet you.

You're Gary Shanley. Grant, this is Gary Shanley. I have been your biggest fan

since third grade.

So, you guys ready to go? I sure am. Me too. Great, let's go. This is going to

be fun.

You know, I can't wait to see the attack of the ninja. Me too. You know, we

better hurry or we'll miss the beheading scene.

Are they cute or what?

This is going to be better than a puppet show.

time i go to a drive -in they skyrocket and

remind me to unhook this okay because last week

i was at a movie and forgot to take it off and yank the whole top of my car off

all right

such an exciting life. I mean, Las Vegas, bright lights, life on the edge.

Well, you know, it's... It's okay.

You know, if you want to talk about exciting, let's talk Grant Schumacher.

Look at him. You know, Grant... Grant's a Cub Scout. Isn't that right, Grant?

Yeah, Mom, it's a wee blow.

Just a wee blow, a wee blow.

Oh, you want to talk funny? Grant, tell her a joke. Grant's hysterical.

Okay. Why do those people have compasses on their cars?

Where are they driving?

Home?

Well, I think what he means by home is, uh, Ecuador.

Part of the joke that he switches it like that. That was a good one, Grant.

Yeah, right.

Thanks, Uncle Jerry.

Kim, would you like some popcorn?

Could you go get us some?

Well, I'll go get it. Oh, no, no, no, no. Grant's gonna go.

And, Grant, steal it.

Steal it?

Did she say steal it?

Steal it!

Did she say stick it?

Steal it?

I'm chaperoning Squeaky Frome.

I'll see you back at the house.

I bought them popcorn, okay?

That a boy.

You know, you save a little money by buying in quantity.

That's my little consumer tip for tonight.

And for those of you who are upset that you missed the end of the ninja movie,

let me just tell you that the head ninja comes in, gets beheaded, and then he's

not the head ninja anymore.

Oh, well, you know, Grant helped me pick them out.

Kim, could you excuse us for a minute?

I have to talk to my Uncle Gary alone.

Yeah, fine. I have to use the restroom.

Oh, the ladies' room is the second door on the left.

It's the door that's marked Muchachas.

I don't... I don't know... Hi, guys.

Oh, hi, Dan. Oh, I'm so glad to see you. Grant, how did your date go?

Gary stole my girlfriend.

Nance, I did not steal his girlfriend.

Liar. Look at his lion eyes.

Gary, what is Grant talking about?

I'm talking about making time with my baby.

Nancy, will you excuse us? I want to talk to the snake alone.

Gary. Out, woman.

I'm out, man. Snake, I'll be outside. I'll talk to you in a minute.

You know, Grant...

I'm your best friend. I'm your Uncle Gary. I would never steal your

Put a cork in it, Shanling.

Every week, you try to pick up all the actresses on the show.

But to do to this.

Grant, that's the oldest 12 -year -old I've ever met in my life.

And I'm not sure, to be honest with you, that this is the right girl for you.

Oh, but she's right for you.

No.

You know, this is my first time chaperoning, and maybe you can tell me

doesn't always go like this, does it?

Gary, you know, I don't remember the last time I needed change to go to the

bathroom.

Well, okay, so I have pay toilets. So what?

The paper towels are free.

Tim, can I see you outside now?

Sure, Grant. What's going on?

Outside. Now.

Gary, I had never seen Grant so riled up. What's going on?

Oh, Nance, it was a nightmare.

The girl ignored Grant the whole night and just talked to me. I didn't know

to do.

How do you do it?

How do I do what? You ruin dates when you're not even on them.

It's a gift, I guess.

I wasn't saying, oh, my God, because I was having a religious experience.

I saw him steal my... Uh -oh. What? Uh -oh. What's the matter? Uh -oh, here

comes the dream sequence.

Uh -oh. Uh -oh. Oh, I hate these. I hate these.

Oh, no.

Everything's getting wavy. Oh, no.

moose in this one. Oh, Gary, I'm so sorry. Those are so draining.

I gotta go find those kids.

Okay. Oh.

Oh, no, wait. Oh, no. Oh, no,

it was a false alarm.

All right.

I'll be right back.

You know,

Grant, I had no idea you were such a wild man.

Hey!

I am a gang.

You know, Grant, I really do like your style.

Hey, look, let's hit the open road and go to Vegas.

Hey, what? Go where?

Vegas.

I'll go in and pack a few things, make a couple of sandwiches, and then we're

out of here. Vegas?

Kim, I have a clarinet lesson in the morning.

Mr. McAllister will kill me. I have a recital on Saturday and all my mom's

friends will be there.

Grant, Grant, thank God you're all right. I'm sorry I took your call.

I'm sorry. Please take me home.

It's okay.

It's all right. It's over now, Grant.

Wait a minute, Grant.

What about our trip to Las Vegas?

Oh, I think Vegas is off for tonight.

I think we can continue this relationship.

You make me really nervous.

Yeah, me too.

Come on, Grant, get in the car.

Slide all the way over. I'll drive. Going home.

Go home, have a little talk and some ice cream, okay?

All right.

What a couple of dorks.

Well, it takes one to know one.

I guess I just went crazy because I wanted Kim to like me so bad.

Well, I know that feeling, but, you know, in all the years I've been dating,

never tried to impress a girl by stealing a car.

You know, I bought them cars.

Okay, I've rented them cars.

Okay, I rented the girl.

But you were right, Uncle Gary. She wasn't the girl for me.

Maybe there isn't one.

Hey, Grant, come on. You've had one date, you know.

There'll be plenty of girls out there who like you for who you are. I hope

you're right.

Uncle Gary, are you going to tell my parents I stole your car?

Oh, don't think so, Grant. I chaperoned a date that ended up in a felony.

I think we can keep this our little secret, okay?

It's a deal.

Yeah, and that goes for you folks at home, too, okay?

Don't tell anybody anything about this, all right?

And I hope you enjoyed tonight's show because the explosive issue was...

chaperoning.

And the lesson we learned was, I'm no good at it.

And next week's explosive issue is, pen pals, do we really need to know what

they look like?

Also, by the way, if you know where I can get any car insurance, I'd really

appreciate it because my cancellation notice just came.

All right?

Uncle Gary, since tonight's show was about me, which I really do appreciate.

Well, it was really about me and chaperoning, Grant.

That's what you want, but... Anyway, what I

really wanted to ask you was, can I play the closing theme song on my fair

clarinet that I keep in your wine rack?

Sure, Grant, that's what it's there for.

Thanks!

And you folks at home, you know, feel free to join in. Get your instruments

of your wine racks and just play along with Grant because I think you know it

was my show.

Okay. Hello, big man. My show.