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Thank you so much.
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Well, it's, uh... Oh, you stopped
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applauding. Well, all right, that's
okay.
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I, uh... No, no, don't start again. It
throws me off, really.
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I'm thrilled to see you all again. You
know, we were off for a long time. We
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went on a little vacation, and we're
back, and I'm thrilled to be back. We're
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just gearing... I went to Hawaii.
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Where did you go?
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And so I'm flying on the airplane.
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I go on one of those DC -10s. It's like
flying on a Winnebago. You know,
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00:00:51,670 --> 00:00:55,550
seriously. I couldn't see out of my
window because they had a trout decal on
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window.
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Then the stewardess... These are the
jokes in the monologue.
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00:01:02,860 --> 00:01:06,860
the stewardess actually explains how to
operate the seatbelt when you fly,
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00:01:07,060 --> 00:01:12,560
right? I mean, this is an ordinary car
seatbelt. If you can't figure this out
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your own, don't even listen to the part
about the oxygen mask.
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You're a dead person, all right?
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This thing's going to come down. You're
going to go, oh, no, what the hell is
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this thing?
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Hello?
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00:01:23,100 --> 00:01:24,100
Hello?
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There's air coming out of my telephone,
stewardess. Hello?
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And I put those little locks.
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They're like this big on my suitcase.
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Like, this is going to prevent anybody
from stealing your suitcase.
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Like, they're going to go, oh, there's a
little lock on this one, Harry.
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We better let it go by. We'll never get
through this vinyl.
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It's like the locks on a diary, you know
what I mean? Just put someone in and
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say, get the dynamite, Bill. Let's blow
this baby open.
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Then I'm getting off the plane. A woman
wanders by me with wheels on the bottom
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of her suitcase.
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And, I mean, she's moving. It's jacked
up in the back.
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There's mags on this thing, and there's
another woman racing her, going, is that
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a Samsonite 250?
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That's a fast bag. Jeez.
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Is that the original equipment on that
thing?
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But I made it back. I made it back
safely. All our cast is back. Scott
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who plays Grant.
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literally broke his foot, and you'll see
him tonight. He has a cast on, so part
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of our cast has a cast.
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00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:42,280
But before I get started with tonight's
show, there is somebody I want you to
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meet before I go on.
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Maria, Maria, come with me just a
second.
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No, Mr. Gary, please.
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No, it's okay.
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This is Maria Herrera, and she's a very
valued member of our...
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studio crew. Don't be so frightened.
It's okay. And she's leaving us soon to
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back to her home in Germany.
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Guatemala.
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Right. Well, Germany is Spanish for
Guatemala.
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00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:16,900
And because we love you so much, Maria,
I have bought you a
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little gift. This is a Statue of Liberty
thermometer.
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So... No matter where you are, you
always know what the temperature is at
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Statue of Liberty.
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Do you like it?
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Do you like it?
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It's... Oh.
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Well, it's always emotional when you
leave friends.
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It's okay. Mr. Carey.
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I am not leaving because I want to. I...
I am being deported.
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Deported?
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Good night. Good night. Good night. Good
night.
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This is the theme to Gary's show, the
opening theme to Gary's show. This is
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music that you hear as you watch the
credits.
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We're almost to the part of where I
start to whistle. Then we'll watch his
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Shandling show.
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This was the theme to Gary Shandling's
show.
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Maria, is this horror?
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Are you going to be okay?
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Gary, I was trying to take a nap. Could
you play the theme song a little lower?
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I'm sorry, Nan. Well, you know, we go
through this every week.
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I'm doing the best I can.
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What did you do to Maria?
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Why do you always blame me when a girl's
crying?
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I didn't do anything. She's being
deported. Oh, I know. We're just sick
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it. Are you okay, Maria?
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I love it here in America.
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This is... It's been the best year of my
life. I hate to leave.
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00:05:18,580 --> 00:05:19,580
Oh.
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Gary, there must be something we can do
to keep Maria in the country.
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I know what you're thinking. This is the
show where Gary marries the maid so she
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can stay in the country.
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But it isn't. I swear. I don't want to
do that.
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00:05:34,260 --> 00:05:38,380
So if anybody comes in with that idea,
really, I give the studio audience
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00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:40,500
permission to just boo them off the
stage.
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00:05:40,900 --> 00:05:42,900
Really. Just go ahead and boo.
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00:05:43,650 --> 00:05:47,630
Maria, no, don't worry. Look, we'll
think of something. You just think
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Right. She's right, Maria. Everything's
going to be fine.
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00:05:51,370 --> 00:05:52,750
Oh, it's Leonard Smith.
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00:05:54,010 --> 00:05:57,230
Don't, don't, don't let him in. Good
day, peeps.
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00:05:58,510 --> 00:06:01,490
I've been tied up at an emergency
Kiwanis meeting.
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00:06:03,690 --> 00:06:05,770
Don't ask for details. I won't crack.
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00:06:06,550 --> 00:06:09,430
So, what's the central conflict in
tonight's episode?
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Well, the central conflict is that
Maria's going to be deported unless we
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something. That's right. Hey, wait a
minute. I just had a unique and original
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thought. Why don't we make this the show
where Gary marries the maid?
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Am I on camera right now?
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Yeah, and you're a big hit, Leonard.
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You know, I think Leonard might have
something there.
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Someone could marry Maria.
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Maybe Mr. Pete.
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Oh, no, there's already an unhappy Mrs.
P.
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Hey, what about you, Leonard?
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Mr. Leonard.
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Fine, Mr. Leonard, Dr.
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Leonard, Sugar Ray Leonard. How about
you?
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I can't afford it. Even though my late
wife has passed away, I'm still taking
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her as a deduction.
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Oh, you slime bag.
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Maybe you should marry her, Gary. I
mean, you want to help her stay in the
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00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:07,519
country, don't you?
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00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:13,720
Oh, of course I do. But you know, this
has always been a very serious and
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difficult issue.
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Should someone marry someone just to
stay in the country?
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Let's find out what our audience thinks.
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Hi, how are you?
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Here I am.
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You want to stand up one at a time? Does
anybody have any comment to make on
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whether somebody should stay in the
country or not?
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You, sir, would you like to stand up?
Because obviously you were in Hawaii as
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well.
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00:07:51,980 --> 00:07:53,620
What is your first name? Cliff.
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Cliff.
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Great.
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Now, Cliff.
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Let me ask you this. Would you marry
somebody just so they could stay in the
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00:08:03,780 --> 00:08:05,180
country? I guess so.
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00:08:06,260 --> 00:08:08,220
You know, I had a feeling you'd say
that, Cliff.
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00:08:10,460 --> 00:08:16,060
So, you know, what do you think? Do you
think I should marry this girl Maria so
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she can stay here?
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I think it would be okay.
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You can always get the voice afterward,
I guess, or something.
133
00:08:22,660 --> 00:08:23,840
Well, you've been a big help.
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00:08:30,540 --> 00:08:33,440
Now, can I ask you a couple questions?
Would you mind standing, ma 'am?
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There you go.
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And what is your first name?
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Vera. Vera.
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Well, we should be allowed to name our
folks, huh, Vera?
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00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:49,520
Now, Vera, would you still watch the
show if I was married?
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I don't have show time.
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All right.
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I don't believe they give it to anybody
named Vera.
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Okay, do we have a call? I think we have
a call. Should we take a call?
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00:09:03,060 --> 00:09:04,060
Okay.
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00:09:05,340 --> 00:09:06,360
Go ahead, caller.
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00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:07,960
Hello?
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00:09:08,860 --> 00:09:09,860
Caller? Hello?
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No.
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00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:17,320
It's Gary, caller.
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00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:19,360
No.
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00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:22,380
Turn your TV on, caller.
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00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:23,820
Turn your TV on.
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00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:26,200
Caller? Go ahead.
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We don't have a lot of time.
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00:09:29,980 --> 00:09:30,980
Hello?
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00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,600
You're talking in the wrong end of the
phone, sir.
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00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:36,480
Hello? Caller.
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00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:38,120
Caller. Phil?
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00:09:38,380 --> 00:09:39,380
Phil?
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Caller.
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00:09:44,260 --> 00:09:45,580
Well, thank you for the call.
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That was a great call.
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Topic next week is color television,
passing fad, or is it really here to
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00:10:03,870 --> 00:10:05,710
Well... Mary, what's the verdict?
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00:10:06,510 --> 00:10:09,550
I've decided I'm going to go ahead and
I'd be happy to marry Maria.
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00:10:39,820 --> 00:10:40,820
Thank you, Mr. Gary.
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00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:42,400
Thank you.
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00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:48,720
This, this is the way I imagined it. You
made me very happy.
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00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:51,400
Today...
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something very important.
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You've never made me tea before.
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00:11:31,670 --> 00:11:33,870
Okay, Mom, I'm getting married.
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00:11:34,230 --> 00:11:35,710
Okay? What?
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I'm getting married.
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00:11:40,070 --> 00:11:41,470
Let me explain it to you.
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00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:02,800
Who is it? Is it Nancy?
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00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:05,520
No. It's not Nancy, Mom.
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00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:07,800
It's Elaine Robertson.
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00:12:08,900 --> 00:12:09,900
No.
180
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:11,980
It's not Elaine Robertson, Mom.
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00:12:13,380 --> 00:12:14,840
It's a guy, isn't it?
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00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:19,920
I can't believe you said that.
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00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:21,880
It is?
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00:12:22,300 --> 00:12:26,820
So? Oh, my God. My gynecologist was
right. You're queer as a duck.
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00:12:34,350 --> 00:12:37,690
No, don't worry about me. I'll be all
right. I'm a modern woman, and I can
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00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:38,690
adjust.
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00:12:39,250 --> 00:12:41,090
I'm just so happy your father's dead.
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00:12:42,950 --> 00:12:43,950
Well... Mom.
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00:12:44,130 --> 00:12:47,150
Now, when is the wedding? The wedding's
in four minutes, okay?
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00:12:47,530 --> 00:12:48,750
I'd better go buy a dress.
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00:12:52,810 --> 00:12:59,290
Today, I consider myself the luckiest
woman on the face of the earth.
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00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:10,040
queer as a duck anyway.
193
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:14,460
All right, think about this for a
second. I mean, okay, the bottom half is
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00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:15,580
the pond all the time.
195
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:19,460
How do you know what's really going on
there? I think it's unfair to the duck.
196
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:25,860
Gary Aloysius Shanley, someone is
actually going to marry you.
197
00:13:27,460 --> 00:13:31,060
Of course, I knew it would have to be
someone who hardly speaks the language.
198
00:13:32,260 --> 00:13:36,660
But compared to the game show bimbos you
usually date, Marie is Eleanor
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00:13:36,660 --> 00:13:37,660
Roosevelt.
200
00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:39,699
She's on a Roosevelt.
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00:13:39,700 --> 00:13:41,260
She's on card sharks, isn't she?
202
00:13:43,060 --> 00:13:44,680
Are you going to have kids, Uncle Gary?
203
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:46,900
No, Grant, I don't think so.
204
00:13:47,220 --> 00:13:49,080
Well, that's why my folks got married.
205
00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:51,100
I figured it out with a calendar.
206
00:13:51,780 --> 00:13:53,280
You were eight months premature.
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00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:54,540
Now shut the hell up.
208
00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:58,260
Well, it's time, Gary. Everyone here.
209
00:13:59,340 --> 00:14:00,340
Relaxed? You happy?
210
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:02,380
Yeah. You look good?
211
00:14:02,620 --> 00:14:04,160
I feel pretty good. Need any pointers?
212
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:05,720
Just joking.
213
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:07,720
Well, may we begin?
214
00:14:08,330 --> 00:14:09,550
Maestro? Padre?
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00:14:28,510 --> 00:14:29,510
Him.
216
00:14:30,230 --> 00:14:31,970
No. You're marrying him.
217
00:14:35,630 --> 00:14:37,850
This is Jorge, my future brother -in
-law.
218
00:14:38,070 --> 00:14:39,170
I'm marrying Maria.
219
00:14:40,450 --> 00:14:41,550
Hello, Maria.
220
00:14:42,050 --> 00:14:43,050
Hi, Mom.
221
00:14:43,290 --> 00:14:44,990
Gary, hermano. No.
222
00:14:45,670 --> 00:14:47,650
Not on the face, Jorge.
223
00:14:51,070 --> 00:14:57,250
This is, uh... Dearly beloved, we are
gathered here
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00:14:57,250 --> 00:15:02,970
to join its man and its woman in the
bonds of holy matrimony.
225
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,340
By the way, we're registered at the May
Company.
226
00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:18,180
Do you, Maria, take this man, Mr. Gary,
as your lawfully wedded husband?
227
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:22,400
I do.
228
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:24,420
She hesitated. Did you hear that?
229
00:15:25,020 --> 00:15:26,560
She actually hesitated.
230
00:15:27,220 --> 00:15:32,880
And do you, Mr. Gary, take this woman,
Maria, to be your lawfully wedded wife?
231
00:15:35,150 --> 00:15:38,690
Is this a little boy I can?
232
00:17:57,350 --> 00:17:59,470
Believe me, I'm doing you a big favor by
not singing it.
233
00:18:02,190 --> 00:18:05,950
I never thought I'd be this happy. But
you know, why shouldn't I be?
234
00:18:07,350 --> 00:18:08,350
Maria's beautiful.
235
00:18:10,570 --> 00:18:11,570
She's sensitive.
236
00:18:14,230 --> 00:18:15,270
She's intelligent.
237
00:18:16,670 --> 00:18:17,670
I'm ready.
238
00:18:17,970 --> 00:18:20,450
I'm ready. I love them all.
239
00:18:24,890 --> 00:18:26,190
She loves to cook.
240
00:18:37,130 --> 00:18:38,990
sense of humor you
241
00:18:38,990 --> 00:18:52,510
know
242
00:18:52,510 --> 00:18:54,790
you spend your whole life looking for a
girl
243
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:14,400
lower back pain in history i'm bloated
i'm breaking out i'm cranky and don't
244
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:19,780
touch me don't touch me don't touch me
okay 28 days have passed
245
00:19:47,340 --> 00:19:48,219
What happened to Maria?
246
00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:50,360
I don't know. It's like living with Liza
Minnelli.
247
00:20:34,030 --> 00:20:35,030
I got you into this.
248
00:20:35,950 --> 00:20:40,270
You know, there's a very fine line
between being a nice guy and an idiot.
249
00:20:41,490 --> 00:20:44,230
Take a good look and draw your own
conclusion.
250
00:21:04,490 --> 00:21:06,590
Jack Wells this time for The Great Spin.
251
00:21:07,330 --> 00:21:11,470
Now, tonight, the amount of the grand
prize on this wheel has reached a
252
00:21:11,470 --> 00:21:13,690
humongous $11 million.
253
00:21:14,450 --> 00:21:15,450
$11 million.
254
00:21:15,790 --> 00:21:19,210
And this is where Maria Shandling might
very well become an instant millionaire
255
00:21:19,210 --> 00:21:21,150
tonight. How do you feel, Maria? Are you
excited?
256
00:21:21,790 --> 00:21:22,790
Yeah.
257
00:21:23,370 --> 00:21:26,570
And this gentleman next to you, I take
it, is your husband, Mr. Gary.
258
00:21:27,130 --> 00:21:28,690
Yeah, let's spin the wheel, Jack.
259
00:21:29,150 --> 00:21:30,330
Aren't you Gary Shandling?
260
00:21:30,550 --> 00:21:31,570
Yeah, yeah, Jack.
261
00:21:32,330 --> 00:21:35,720
Get over it for a guy who's... We've
talked about being single for a long
262
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:38,680
It's really nice to see you with
somebody who's a perfect match.
263
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:42,840
Yeah, spin the wheel, Jack.
264
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:46,900
Why not? Let's spin the wheel. Maria,
you know what to do. Take your place
265
00:21:46,900 --> 00:21:48,620
there beside the wheel. Give it a good
spin.
266
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,560
Let it go and bueno suerte.
267
00:21:51,580 --> 00:21:53,100
And the wheel goes around.
268
00:21:53,380 --> 00:21:55,580
And where it stops, nobody knows.
269
00:21:56,420 --> 00:22:00,900
Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop.
270
00:23:03,630 --> 00:23:08,790
their money and buy expensive gifts for
themselves i on the other hand i'm going
271
00:23:08,790 --> 00:23:13,530
to take all my money and give it to the
people that matter the most to me the
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00:23:13,530 --> 00:23:14,530
studio
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00:24:56,969 --> 00:24:59,130
Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Stanley
Show.
21327
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