All language subtitles for its_garry_shandlings_s01e04_foul_ball

Very nice. I want to thank you who
applauded at home as well. Really, thank

so much.

Welcome to another show.

And how's my hair? Does my hair look all
right? Because, yeah, oh, sure.

Yeah, I get a lot of hoots on my hair,
and it really means a lot to me. And it

was just cut today, and I'm already up
and walking around, so I feel really

about it, really. Once the bandages came
off, it just looks like this.

Well, we're pretty excited about
tonight's show because, as a lot of you

it's Cub Scout week here in Los Angeles.

Oh, yeah.

I know.

I know. It's just too much excitement to
take. But I'm doubly thrilled because

Pete and Grant are coming over, and
we're all going to the baseball game

some of the other Cub Scouts. And, you
know, father -son relationships are

really a very special thing. I remember
when I was growing up, my dad had a slip

and slide. Did you have a slip and slide
when you were growing up?

There again, you at home really didn't
need to vote on that because I can't

you.

But I had a slip and slide when I was
growing up, and those

are fun things. I sued my folks within
the first year on that thing.

Because, no, they had it out in the
driveway, and it would go out and end

you'd end up out in the traffic. You'd
end up out in the traffic.

So I'm really thrilled because...

You know, Pete is the closest thing I
have to a best friend. And, you know,

Grant's the closest thing I have to a
son. And let's face facts, I'm the

thing I have to a wife.

So this is kind of going to be like a
family outing for me tonight to go to

game. And just to get us, you know, in
the mood for the game, I thought we'd

take a look at my baseball card
collection, which I'm very, very proud

you like that?

Would you like to do that?

And we'll look at them over the opening
credits.

All right, this is...

Sandy Koufax from 1958.

Is that a great one?

This is the theme that Gary told.

The theme that Gary told. Gary called me
up and asked if I was writing a new

song. I'm almost halfway through. How do
you like to go? How do you like to see

the Gary show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The
opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the
credits.

We're almost to the top of where I start
the whistle. Then we'll watch the Gary

Shannon show.

This is the theme to Gary's channel
show.

Go ahead, applaud the theme.

This is my favorite card of all. This is
actually Roger Maris before he was with

the New York Yankees when he was with
the Kansas City Athletics. You know how

rare this card is?

You really don't care, do you?

You really hate everything that's great
about this country, don't you? Really,

when you get down to it.

Oh, it must be Pete. Lucky for you.
We'll finish this discussion a little

Coming, Pete.

This isn't Pete. Don't you guys watch
the show? I don't know who this guy is.

Who are you? I'm Leonard Smith.

I'm head of the Condominium Association.
I came over to welcome you to the

condo. Oh, well, that's nice of you, Mr.

Smith. Oh, please, call me Leonard. Mr.
Smith makes it sound like I'm going to

Washington.

That's an ad lib. Honest to God, it's
the first time I ever said it.

These things come to me all the time.

on TV right now? Yeah, we are, as a
matter of fact, and I was just starting

show, and we really should get back to
the original story right now. Oh, what's

it about, if I may ask?

Well, it's... It's about me and Pete and
Grant going to the baseball game.

Uh -huh. You think that's enough to
carry a whole show?

Yeah, why, don't you? Well, it sounds a
little shaky, you know.

I'm thinking of having a vasectomy now.
Now there's a show.

Oh, yeah, sounds like a two -parter.

Well, and it would be a nice gesture,
but, you know, I got to start the show.

We're going a whole other way with the
show tonight, all right? So thanks for

coming over, really.

Hey, guys. Hi, Gary.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Gary.

Hey, guys.

Well, you got Cubs cap. Right. Oh,
you'll be fine then. I was a Cub. Is

right? Well, gee, when we have that
alumni show, we'll give you a call,

Great. See you later on. Do you know
when it might be roughly?

I'd like to keep the decks clear. Sure,
it's going to be much sooner than we'd

all hoped. Oh, great. Well, toodle -oo.
Bye.

Yeah, see you later.

I've got to start going to rehearsals.

You guys want to be careful with the
ball? You could break something, okay?

Oh, gee, they told you Gary was a wimp.
Hey, come on. Just like your old man who

wouldn't even let us swing the bat in
the car.

My dad is not a wimp. I bet he could
have played for the Dodgers if he wanted

to. Oh, could not. Could so.

Could not.

Could so.

I thought he was a pitch in college.

Oh, yeah? Well, my dad was drafted by
the pros. Yeah, my dad was Hank Aaron.

Really.

Was so.

Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks. I
don't care if I ever get back for it.

Don't sing.

I'm sure there's a baby sleeping
somewhere.

Okay, Garrow, point well taken. Okay,
come on, kids, in the van. It's hot dog

time.

we go. Hey, Gary, let me ask, is it okay
if I hum? Yeah, humming is fine, but I

don't want to understand one word.

You're bopping.

Bopping. Keep the lips sealed. That'll
be the key to this whole thing.

Okay?

There you go.

Well, we're going to be gone a couple
hours at the game, and I'm really sorry

that we don't have tickets for all of
you. We just don't have that kind of

budget, frankly.

But please, make yourself feel at home.

There's some beer in the refrigerator.
There's some dip. But don't touch the

cameras, really. They're very expensive.

And I'll see you all in a while. Okay,
bye.

Oh, they're coming back. We'd better get
back to our seat.

Clean up, everyone.

I'm just embarrassed.

Oh, man, that's the funniest thing I've
ever seen. A guy getting hit in the face

with a foul ball.

Hey, that's my dad.

Well, at least he stopped singing,
right?

Remind me to send Steve Sachs a thank
you note.

He happens to yell that on every ball
that's hit.

Pete has a depth perception problem.

We didn't even get to see the whole
game.

Hey, guys, come on. We didn't miss a
thing. It was 8 -0 in the ninth inning.

The game was as good as over. Right,
Gary? That's right, guys. Don't worry

it. Everybody, this is Ted Dawson with
sports and Dodger fans. This one's for

you. An incredible come -from -behind
victory at the stadium tonight as the

in blue scored nine. Count them, nine
runs in the bottom of the ninth inning.

about the usherette who got so excited
she ripped off her blouse and danced

topless, that's right, topless on top of
the New York Mets dugout. Damn.

The craziest play of the night, though,
came in the stands where Cub Scout

leader Pete Schumacher blew an easy...

the game you should wear a shark cape no
no i don't think he's safe

until they develop the star wars defense
system

It's like a girl's bike. There's not
even that horizontal bar here.

I might as well put a basket and a bell
on this thing.

Maybe we should put playing cards in the
spokes so it'll sound like we're

moving, Pete.

It's kind of like driving a car that's
up on blocks, these things.

You get what I'm saying, up on blocks?

You know, Pete, these are my best bike
jokes. A priest, a minister, and a rabbi

get on a huffy, right?

They're going downhill. Gary, I'm not in
the mood for your jokes.

I have a father and son field day coming
up. I have to train.

Pete, you be careful. You're going to
break your glasses again.

You know, you're overreacting to the
whole thing. It's just like an egg toss

a wheelbarrow race.

What are you doing?

You don't have to start popping
steroids.

always making jokes.

What, was that an exercise you just did?

What was it?

You sat on that thing, you moved around,
you got up. You see, that's the way you

are, Mr. Showbiz. Mr. Funny Man, whose
jokes make 11 -year -olds laugh at the

expense of your best friend? Come on, I
was just... What? There you go again.

Did that count? That doesn't do you any
good whatsoever.

Pete, you're overreacting.

Gary,

well, tell that to the kids who are
making fun of Grant in school.

Kids can be cruel.

Kids? Kids? What about that Ted Dawson
guy?

What about my butcher?

You know, I think you're supposed to
twist. You look like an Easter card

now.

And what about that entire Asian family
who passed me in their car laughing and

pointing to their noses? Come on, they
were probably signaling for a turn,

They do that. It's a thing they do.
Everybody in the car signals. I've been

Japan. At every intersection, you see
that. Really?

Gary, Gary, imagine how awful you'd feel
if your son lost all respect for you.

Okay? Why don't you just digest that?

God, Pete, they're just jokes.

Pete sure knows how to suck the air out
of the studio, doesn't he?

I'd like to toss a medicine ball around.

You know, Mr. Smith, we're right in the
middle of the show right now. Please,

call me Leonard. Mr. Smith makes it
sound like my brother and me make cough

drops.

Here I go again.

You know, Mr.

Leonard, I've got to go have a talk with
Grant about his dad. I've got a serious

problem. The plot thickens. Good idea. I
like that.

I've got a photo session anyway. You
know, for that alumni show we're going

do? Oh, yeah. Great idea.

If any of you out there are thinking
about getting into show business, this

not the way to go about it.

I

got

Wade Boggs and Dwight Gooden.

You got a Dwight Gooden card?

Wow. You know how rare a Dwight Gooden
card is? Really, it's a great card.

You know, I really don't need Dwight
Gooden, but what would you take for him?

Just saying.

Yeah. Well, who do you have?

Well, I got Jose Cruz.

Got him. Jose Tartable. Got him. Jose
Cardinal. Got him. Jose Pagan. Got him.

Jose DeLeon. Got him. Jose Canseco.

Got him. What deal? You got all the
Jose's? Yeah.

All right, I'll tell you what. I'll give
you my Mickey Mantle card for the

Dwight Gooden.

Okay? It's Mickey Mantle. Okay, well...
Okay, and I'll give you the Roger

Merritt card with the Kansas City
Athletics.

What do you want? Okay, and ten bucks.

Well... Okay.

Okay? Oh, great.

Okay, ten bucks, two cards.

You know, it cost me a lot, but Dwight
Gooden is really a rare card.

I'll tell you what, Uncle Gary.

Since you like Dwight Gooden so much,
you can have the other eight Dwight

Goodens that came in the pack with it.

Well, you know how rare these are?

Listen, Grant, I really wanted to talk
to you about your dad.

You know, some things in life are just
meant to happen. You know, like your dad

getting hit by that foul ball. There's a
reason for everything, you know? Some

people call it karma. Some people call
it kismet. Sometimes it's just fate.

Let's get to the point, Uncle Gary.

I mean, my dad embarrasses me every time
we go out to a game.

This year, he got hit in the nose by a
foul ball. Last year, he got a black eye

from a bag of peanuts.

But, Grant, that guy, you know, he
throws behind his back. You don't know

it's coming from.

Ew. All right, so baseball's not his
game. But, you know, he's got a lot of

other manly qualities.

Name one.

Well, we saw him spit once.

That was blood.

He cut his lip when it got stuck to that
popsicle.

Well, that can happen to anybody, Grant,
but...

Well, he looks athletic. He looks like
an athlete.

Yeah, all right. That was a bad example.

All I'm trying to say, Grant, you know,
is I think your dad's going to do great

at the Father's Sunday competition. I
think you guys got a chance at winning

Really. You know, Uncle Gary, I listened
to what you said just now, and I wasn't

sure before, but now I'm positive.

Right. I'm not going to beat that
Father's Sunday competition.

No, no, no, Grant. That's not what I'm
talking about.

What do you mean you're not going to go?

I thought about it, Uncle Gary.

I just don't want to put us both through
the embarrassment anymore.

No, but... Anyway, but thanks for the
talk.

Grant, wait. Oh, and by the way, if you
want any more Dwight Goodens, I got a

bunch more at home.

Well, I handled that about as well as
Bill Cosby, didn't I?

Gary. Oh, hi, Nancy.

Take this, will you?

What is it? It's curry falafel. Oh, no,
no, I don't need anything that highly

seasoned, but thanks.

That's what they said.

That's what who said?

Those people in my apartment.

What people in your apartment?

I don't know, I was just sitting there
and 20 strangers showed up.

Where did they come from?

I don't know.

Excuse me just a second, okay?

When I told you to come down to my home
and have a good time, I didn't mean for

you to wander onto other people's sets
uninvited.

You know, I mean, that's a pushy thing
to do. I'm sorry. I'm really very, very

disappointed in all of you. Really.

And you're going to have to stay after.

I guess I took care of them.

Sorry, Nance. I don't think that'll
happen again. Oh, sure.

So what's the cape out there with Grant?
Well, now he doesn't even want to go to

the father -son game with his dad.

Nice work, Eric.

Well, look, I tried. I told him how
manly his dad was and told him I thought

had a chance at winning the competition,
and it just backfired.

Why do you guys do that to yourselves?

Why do we do what to ourselves? Where
were you? What'd you see?

importance on whether or not you're a
great hero or a great athlete.

Well, I don't know. It's just, you know,
the pressures of society. We're raised

like that. Don't you ever feel that?

Well, sure, sometimes.

Well, not that macho stuff. It's a
different kind of pressure. But, you

don't feel like I'm any less of a woman
just because I don't have a husband and

children. Right. But you guys all seem
to think that you have to be a great

athlete or great in bed.

Yeah, you don't?

Of course not, Gary. There are many
more. important qualities like

and compassion and sense of humor.
Right. But you definitely don't need to

good in bed?

No, I said great in bed.

Well, what's the separation there? How
do you decide what's great in bed from

what's good in bed? I mean, is size
matter? Because, you know, I have a king

-size bed.

anything about what it means to be a
man.

Great. Now there are two sexes I don't
know anything about.

Well, there you have it. It's daytime.

Did you see the light go on?

It's the next day.

And I feel all refreshed.

Well, here's where we are in the story,
all right? It's the next day. Pete still

doesn't know about Grant not wanting to
go to the games with him, so I figure,

hey, there's still one chance left for
me to patch things up.

And I called Pete this morning, and I
got him to have the Cub Scout meeting

here so I could get them all in one
room.

Okay, would anybody like a cookie?

Hey, Nancy, toss one over here.

Whoa, hold it.

Everybody duck.

Mr. Schumacher's going to try to catch a
cookie.

Nancy, I want you to toss it to prove
that I could catch it. Oh, I'm sorry,

Pete. Hey, Pete, why don't you start the
meeting, and I'll be right back, okay?

Everything's fixed.

I lost two bucks already.

Why do we have to have our meeting here
anyway?

Well, it was just nice of Gary to let us
have it here. I mean, there's more

room, we have more games.

Oh, Bulls, just a scam to get our lunch
money.

Okay, okay, come on, everybody, down
here. Let's go. Come on, let's go.

Move it out, John.

Okay, the weekly meeting of Cub Scout
Pack 265 has now come to order.

In just a few minutes, we'll be leaving
for the father and son field day.

I don't feel well. I have to go to the
bathroom again.

Grant, hold on a second. Hey, guys.

As you all know, Pete was hit in the
nose with a foul ball the other night.

thank you. I mean, thanks for bringing
it up again, Gary. Well, the point is,

the guy who started the whole thing, the
guy who reported it on television, is

here tonight. Give him a warm welcome.
Ted Dawson. Ted Dawson is here.

How you doing?

Hey,

dear.

You know that mirror over your bed makes
everything look larger?

Ted, I got it. Do you need that?

No, I don't need that. I got it at a
carnival. I thought it was a cute item

have.

I also happen to have a roll bar over my
bed in case it flips over and no one

gets hurt.

A lot of times there's a lot of activity
there. Ted, just talk to the kids,

okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Kids, a couple of nights ago, I made an
error.

An error in judgment in regard to
somebody in this room. Now, I'd like to

care of that, which is why I brought
this tape. I want you all to watch it,

okay? Hey, Gary, I mean, what's going on
here? Just watch the tape, Pete.

Okay, ready, guys? Watch this.

each and every one of those guys you
just saw has in common?

Each and every one of them is a human
being.

A human being who just happened to make
a mistake at one particular moment.

He was trying to do his best.

Pete Schumacher is one of those guys.

Pete Schumacher now goes down with the
legendary greats. Guys like Pete Rose,

Johnny Bench, even the Babe.

And Dwight Gooden.

You should be proud to know him. I am.

But he wasn't even playing when he got
hit.

Son, how would you like to be a bat boy
for the Dodgers?

Yeah, you think I could?

Not with your attitude.

Listen, get your head together and call
me in about a year, okay?

Hey, Gare, see you later, all right?
Hey, love the show. Oh, thanks. You

happen to know the Boston score, do you?

They're playing tonight, Gare.

All right, so they're tied.

All right.

Well, first of all, I want to say that
Ted does the local sportscast here in

Angeles, and I think he's so good, I
think he should be covering the World

Series for the network.

All right, Ted made me say that, or he
wouldn't have come on the show.

Okay? But, you know, he did a great job.
Gary.

Thank you. Hey.

Peter. You know,

I'm glad things worked out, and I think
we're going to do great at the father

-son competition, really.

Come on, Dad.

Let's go.

We can do it.

You sure you want to go with me?

You bet, Dad.

Kind of reminds you of the closing theme
in The Natural, doesn't it?

Well. Gary, that was one of the best
ideas you ever had. Nancy, I couldn't

done it without you. Thanks so much,
really.

What do we want to do now?

I got to go.

Come on, why don't you stay? We'll
discuss that great in bed controversy.

No, no, I promised them dessert.

Are they still there?

Yeah. they're kind of nervy. They're
asking for an iced decaf cappuccino.

And you made it for them?

Gary, they're guests in my home.

Wow. So maybe I could come over after
the show.

Sure, we'll see you later. You want to
do that? Sure. Great.

Okay. Boy, Nancy looks hot tonight,
doesn't she?

Well, you know, I wish I could end this
show by telling you that, you know, they

won the wheelbarrow race, but, you know,
this is Pete and Grant Schumacher,

not...

David and Christy Brinkley.

That's like the weirdest joke I ever
told.

I'm not even sure it's a joke, to be
honest with you.

But, you know, there's one thing I did
forget. You know, when I told you guys

you could come down and make yourselves
at home, you did. You had a great time,

and I'm happy that you did.

But, you know, there was 75 cents
missing from my end table here.

And I don't know who took it, but, you
know, I'm just going to turn my back.

And whoever took it, if you just return
the money, I'd really appreciate it. And

there won't be any questions asked.

Okay? All right.

I'm just going to turn my back. And
we're at the end of the show, so just

whoever took the money can just put it
back.

Hope you enjoy the Gary Chan and so on.