Original subtitles

Uh -oh.

Please be the meatloaf. Please be the meatloaf.

Yes!

Who says I can't cook?

Wait. Was I wearing a necklace?

Steph, do you mind? The SATs are tomorrow, and I'm trying to score my

test.

Okay, so if this is my math score and this is my English, then my total is not

good!

SATs. How you feeling?

Why am I even doing this? To get into college, to get into a law school, to be

lawyer. Well, whose dumb idea was that? Yours.

Fine. But once I'm a lawyer, I'm tracking down the evil troll who

test and suing him for emotional distress.

Better yet, I'll kill him and then get myself off.

Get out of my way.

Stephanie, yell at James.

He stole a bunch of rocks from my collection.

I have some evidence I didn't want floating to the surface.

Guys, settle this yourself, please. I have to scrape your sister off the

ceiling.

You know, technically, I didn't do anything wrong picking her up.

We've shared a room for over seven years. That makes us common law.

Legally speaking, what's mine is yours, and what's yours is mine.

That sounds like we're married.

Married? Only that... We share all our stuff, file joint tax returns, and

come to resent each other with each passing day.

I'm all about tax break.

Tell me in common law, buddy.

So while I'm studying, you fools better keep it down. Otherwise, I'll

defenestrate you.

Oh, like you could throw me out a window.

How do you know what defenestrate means?

There's some words you need to know.

Did you boys sort everything out?

Yes, indeedy. We talked it over and clarified our relationship.

Right, Eric?

Right. Want to go watch some TV?

Oh, I was hoping to go play video games with my friend.

Again? You never...

tell the teacher there's trouble at home.

New plan for the night.

No one talk about the tent.

Hi, hi, hi.

There's my test taker.

I got a lot of stuff for your SATs. They're tomorrow, you know.

Sharpened pencils, unsharpened pencils, granola bars, and a corkscrew.

Corkscrew? Yeah, I'm nervous for her.

Can a grandma take the edge off?

don't have to pick dessert, then it's our night, remember?

And we want cookies.

What? You used to love popsicles. Look, I don't even know you anymore.

Sweetie, it doesn't matter. I made a pie.

Okay. I bought a pie.

Hi, guys.

Oh, Dad, what's wrong?

My patient, Mr. Kettenberg, came in for surgery, and it was a tough one. Oh,

honey.

Is he okay?

Heck yeah, he is. I totally saved him.

I was saving everybody today. It was like malfunctioning aortic valve, pow!

Congested pump, blammo!

Myocardial infarction, not today, death!

I asked to do one transplant blindfolded, but they wouldn't let me.

I'll be honest.

How proud are you? to be married to a doctor.

Very. And guess what? As of today, you can be proud you're married to a doctor,

too. I hired a marketing expert, and she thinks my party business isn't getting

clients because my company name isn't memorable.

Ready the confetti?

Right. Totally.

Totally. This is why, from here on out, I will be known as the Celebration

Doctor.

Huh. As if you were a medical professional.

People call themselves that.

It's overused.

That soda isn't a real doctor.

That shoe insert isn't a real doctor. And don't even get me started on that

with the headphones.

I worked for eight years to get that title, and I don't like it when it's

cheapened by frivolous junk.

Junk? Frivolous?

Any other words I should be putting on my business card?

Oh, man, I was having such a nice day.

dad gives himself out of this i'll take that action because he's gonna have to

pull his foot out of his mouth or her foot out of his i'm a child

charlie you get all huffy on that title because you're way too

hung up on prestige what's wrong with that that's like the best thing about

being a lawyer gabby you shouldn't pick your career because of the prestige

You should pick it because you think it'll be fun.

Nobody in their right mind picks a career because it's fun.

I don't see why not. If you're going to be doing it for the rest of your life,

who wants to be all, Mrs.

Grimaldi, based on your test results, I'm prescribing you three CCs of...

that than, help, help, my husband's having a seizure. Somebody call a party

planner.

Why do you got to come at my job? Because you came at mine.

Which is at least a real job.

Now we're cooking.

I'll raise you five.

Excuse me? Your job is totally a real job. You look pretty.

So you're saying that if one of the kids wanted to be a party planner, you'd be

okay with that?

Yes.

Look me in the eye when you lie to me.

I can't do it. Party planner's not a career. I'm sorry.

Pleasure doing business with you, James.

I've got to stop betting on debt.

It is so a career.

The most memorable moments of a person's life.

Proms, birthday parties, baby showers.

They have to be planned. You could have thrown Mr. Kessenberg the best party

ever, but he wouldn't be there if I hadn't repaired his aorta.

Then I could have planned his funeral.

Important jobs, fun jobs.

Why are we fighting about this? We each have careers that we find fulfilling.

That's all that matters.

You are so right, Dad.

Thank you.

I want to spend my life doing something that fulfills me. I don't want to be a

lawyer. What? Huh?

I want to be a stylist for celebrities.

A stylist?

You don't want to be a stylist.

What's a stylist?

Remember when I told you to stop wearing corduroys?

That made me your stylist.

All right, Aaron, take your backpack upstairs.

James, get your finger out that eye.

And Gabby, explain yourself.

I'm going to make money by dressing celebrities.

It's the perfect career for me.

That's not a career.

Maggie, back me up.

If you become a stylist, do I get a discount?

Girl, you know I got you. Then go forth and accessorize.

My daughter is not going to be picking out culottes for a living.

Coulottes? Oh, Dad.

Dad, you're all over the place. You just said that all that matters is finding a

job that's fulfilling. So why can't I be a stylist?

Because I was lying to make my wife happy.

I can't believe this.

The monster bug died in the end.

Did you just give away the ending of my new comic book?

No, remember?

I just gave a... with the ending of our new comic book.

Ah!

Sometimes I wonder why we're even in this relationship.

I bought this with my money, which I went out and earned while you sit around

the house all day eating candy.

I'm sorry y 'all had to witness that. We're working through some stuff.

Look, Gabby... Is...

Smart enough to decide her own future. I know it's not what we thought, but

isn't it her choice?

They never had choices before you got here.

Regardless, she's a junior who's stressed enough as it is.

I guess we don't have to plan your whole life right now.

We were talking about career paths, and you haven't even graduated high school.

Let's just focus on getting you through those SATs tomorrow.

No worries. This conversation's really helped me clarify things.

How so?

I'm not... taking the SATs.

I'm not going to college.

Wait, really?

We're having pie?

If Gabby's not going to college, I'm not going to the dentist.

You're going to your room. We'll call you when dinner's ready.

It won't be ready for a while unless Stephanie turns on the

man should go to culinary school.

No, he is going to college. All my kids are going to college. Gabby, come out

here. No, you're going to yell. I am not going to yell.

For your information, just because I'm not going to college, that doesn't mean

I'm not going to school. I will be applying to the Philadelphia Stylist

of Pennsylvania.

That place with all the late night infomercials? I love that little cartoon

diploma that thinks about second chances.

Gabby, quit acting dumb and go to college.

I thought you were cool with me being a stylist. I am, as long as you learn how

to do it at a real school.

It is a real school. It's a one -year vocational program, and they don't

an SAT score to get in.

Quick question.

When you graduate, does the processional walk straight to the unemployment line,

or is there like a pizza party first?

Son, what are you doing? James said he's going to get revenge for tearing his

comic book by coming after something big.

I have to hide all my best stuff.

I suggest the Caymans.

Well, this seems to be a major crisis, so I'll just be okay.

Fitz, we're not done.

But nobody really needs college anymore. We live in a world of YouTube and self

-promotion. Yeah.

Honey, Gabby's not wrong.

Some people do great without going to college. Stephanie, I know you like

the kid's best buddy, but now is not the time.

This isn't about being their buddy. Yeah, Dad.

Girl, he crazy. I know, shoot, but... Not everyone needs a diploma

to be successful. That's just the way the world works now.

Oh!

Oh, is that the way the world works now?

Hmm. What else did I miss out there?

Anything else change?

Nope, everything's still normal.

That ain't normal.

My bed! I bet this is what James meant by big.

James, get down here!

What is wrong with that boy? I just made this bed.

He's mad because we share everything now.

Aaron, how many times have I told you boys not to share?

Wait, that doesn't sound right.

How's that meatloaf coming? I kind of worked up an appetite.

Jane, what were you thinking dropping Aaron's mattress out a window?

I didn't drop it. I defenestrated it.

Whatever you two are doing, just stop it. Good idea.

Aaron, let's have a trial separation.

What's mine is mine and what's yours is yours. We get until dinner to claim

anything we share.

Starting now.

Enough jaw -jacking.

Gabby, college is a privilege. I was the first in my family to go, and I had to

beg, borrow, and steal to pay for it because I knew the value of that

If education's so valuable, how come you always complain about how much you

spent on my degree? It's not a complaint.

I just want you to feel guilty.

Mine.

just put it up for me, though?

Nice move, but I'm claiming all the basketballs.

I did not think this through.

James!

Gabby, the thing about vocational school is you're left without options.

It's stupid.

You need a fallback. Why?

You didn't have one. Doctor was my fallback.

Hang on.

You were just making a big stink about doctor, and that was your fallback?

What did you want to be?

Pope?

Before I was pre -med, I might have been a musical theater major.

You are so not a musical theater major.

You're just saying that to make me think I need options.

I'm saying that because I happen to be a trained baritone. Prove it. I don't

need to prove anything to you. I am your father.

Yeah, he's lying.

Oh, really?

I am the very model of a... modern Major General.

I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral. I know the kings of England and

I quote the fights historical from Marathon to Waterloo in orders

Wow.

That's right, wow.

I brought the wow for three semesters.

And then you gave up? No, I just realized that this thing I enjoy doing

didn't enjoy enough at 20 to do for the rest of my life.

Luckily, I was at a school where I could switch. That's all I'm saying.

Options. If you don't get a job as a stylist, you're not getting a job,

Every employer out there wants to see a college diploma.

It's only a dang fool that thinks they can do anything of value without

finishing college. Anyone who doesn't finish is a dang fool.

And a big, sad failure to the parents.

You didn't finish college. How could you wait to turn, Charlie? She's mine.

Oh, this is so perfect.

If you didn't graduate from college, then whose diploma is that hanging up in

hallway? Mine.

That I paid an art major to make.

Oh, you've got some explaining to do, little girl. Fine.

After four years, I was still a few credits shy of graduating. I always

finish up, but...

The longer I waited, the less important it seemed.

You told me your degree was a B .S. No, I said my degree is... Oh, come on!

Who are you? If Steph never finished college, then I'm not even starting.

You hear that? Your life is the ammunition my kids use in their war to

disappoint me.

I paid for you to finish college, and I want my money back.

And I'm not taking your check either, because you're shady.

Aaron. Aaron, not now. But James claimed our bedroom.

Where am I supposed to sleep?

To the matches in the living room.

Everybody in this family has something smart to say except for dumb old

Stephanie. She didn't finish college.

Mom, let it go.

And Dad, you let it go. I'm not taking the SAT. You are, and that's final.

You want my stuff, James?

Fine. Here's my dinner.

Oh.

This amuses you?

Drop out?

No, but this does.

You

know,

all this food is reminding me that I paid for a meal plan for

you at that school.

Mom, don't you dare.

Soak it up with your diploma.

He was messing with you. Even if you could, Pennsylvania doesn't recognize

common -law relationships.

I did a whole mock trial about it in school.

I made a football player cry on the stand. It was awesome.

James?

Pennsylvania really doesn't recognize common law.

Oh, I got some phone calls to make.

Sounds like you found being a lawyer pretty fun. Doesn't mean I'm ever good

enough to do it for real.

You said it. SAT, college, law school. If I mess up any one of those, then what

was the point? So is that what tonight was all about?

You're afraid of failing?

Of course.

But I don't have to be if I apply to that stylist school. It's above a bike

shop, for crying out loud.

Gabby, I'll support whatever you want to do, but you shouldn't make decisions

out of fear.

I have to be at the SATs by 7 tomorrow.

Then let's get some food in you.

That's all we have left is raw meatloaf.

Who wants pizza?

Oh, sounds like the celebration doctor's buying.

That's all right, Charlie.

You'll pay later.