Original subtitles

Hey, hon. Hey, babe.

Aaron, what are you doing out of school?

He got an award yesterday, so I'm giving him a ditch day.

Well, that must have been some award to earn a whole day off school. What was it

for? Perfect attendant.

Seriously? Seriously?

Was that a smart move?

Are you kidding? It was genius!

First, Steph drove me by my school so we could laugh at everyone who had to be

there. I sure did. And then I said, don't tell your dad.

Wait, she gets smarter.

Then Steph wanted a manicure, so for me she invented a boyacure.

She is the smartest person I've ever met.

You know I'm a surgeon, right?

Don't be jealous, Charlie.

Green's not a good color on you. I know that because I'm smart.

Hello?

Oh, shoot.

I forgot to call in Aaron's absence.

Uh, yes. I'm sorry. He's sick.

What's he sick with?

Uh, he's got a cough.

A really bad cough.

I don't know what kind of cough. I'm not a doctor.

Tell her about the Boyacure.

Uh, it's a cough.

You know, a whooping cough.

Anyway, he'll be back tomorrow. Thanks for calling. Bye.

Oh, that is one nosy main office lady.

Why would you say whooping cough?

Because it sounds dickier than a regular cough.

Wait, is whooping cough a real thing?

Because it sounds fun.

Whoop, whoop.

Now,

whooping cough is a serious, highly contagious disease.

Put down this stethoscope, Charlie. Nobody thinks I meant whooping cough.

Hello?

Oh, that's fine. Thank you.

Yeah, they think I meant whooping cough.

Aaron can't go back to school until he's cleared by his doctor, and we bring in

all his vaccination records.

I told you he was a genius!

I am never going back to school!

Aaron's culture so we can get him back in school.

How did they get it in their heads that he had whooping cough anyway?

Probably some crazy mom acting all crazy.

I see it all the time. So do I.

Hi, hi, hi.

Oh, Charlie Phillips.

Who's your friend?

Hi, I'm Dr. Fine. Why, yes, you are.

He's also leaving.

Thanks for the house call, Percy.

I'll see you on the green. See you there.

Charlie Phillips.

No, I will not set you up.

He is my favorite golf buddy. It's too messy.

Charlie Phillips! Don't you threaten me, woman.

All right, let's get back to all the schoolwork your teacher sent over. You

a whole mess of math to do.

But it's fractions. I don't understand those.

Oh, come on. You can do it. You can do it because you're a genius.

Eight eighths plus five twenty -fourths.

Oh.

That?

You just, uh, you know, you, uh, grab some of those twenty -fourths and a

handful of those eighths, do the thing with the other thing, get all up in

there, and you're good.

I must be way behind because that just sounded like a bunch of words.

Could you do that again, but show your work?

I'm sorry, buddy.

I can't do your homework for you. That's just unethical. Well, can you at least

explain it? I know this doesn't have the same bottom number, so how do I convert

it? Give it a pamphlet and hope it comes around?

Oh, good.

You're here.

Aaron wants me to teach him fractions.

Nope. To get me out of gym class?

Nope. Fair enough.

Can't I get your autograph on this random piece of paper?

Nice try, James.

But, Dad, it's Dodgeball Week. There's this big kid, Dodgeball Dave, who waits

all year for the chance to hit kids in the head with no repercussions.

Only concussions.

We've all been through this. It's part of growing up. If you want me to grow

sign the note. They say he's killed before.

I heard that Dr. Fine was coming over, so I thought that I would ask him to

write me a prescription.

Ten milligrams of his bad self to be taken at bedtime.

I told him to email the lab results.

Why'd you have to go and do that?

Open your coat.

Come on.

Open it.

That's why.

need is a letter saying that I have a faulty heart from a prominent

cardiovascular surgeon.

But a letter from you would work, too.

You thought that helped?

Charlie, why won't you hook me up with Dr. Fine?

Because I took an oath to protect human life.

Don't protect mine. Write me a note. It's getting empty. I can't tell which

of you is more desperate.

It's me!

You know, Dr.

Fine is my pediatrician.

If you take me to see him, I get a note, and you get a date.

I like the way you think, James.

In that case, I think I have a little fever.

I think I have one, too.

All I need is ten milligrams... Of his bad self. You don't have to repeat it.

It's disturbing enough that a child heard it once.

Hey, Gabby, I'm making some tea. Do you want some?

Sure, thanks.

Okay, but if I made you twelve and one -eighth cups and you only drank seven

one -fourth cups, I'd have a lot of tea left over. How much tea would I have

left over?

Hold up.

Are you giving me a word problem?

No, but if it was, would you help a sister out?

Having a little trouble with Aaron's homework?

No, but if I was, would you help a sister out?

Sure, Steph. I'll help you. If you'll help me.

Okay. What do you want?

Those new sneakers with the blue bottoms.

Those are really expensive.

I'm asking you to teach me fractions, not drive me to the airport.

I have the money, but they go on sale while I'm at school. I just need you to

stand in line and get me a pair before they sell out.

I can do that.

Okay. Walk me through his homework so I can pretend to be smart for Aaron. He

has me up on this pedestal, and I like it there.

I can look down on your dad.

Hey, from up here, his head looks like a little malted milk ball.

Oh, this is easy.

First, look for the lowest common denominator.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up, math whiz. Who do you think I am, the guy in

the talking wheelchair?

You ain't even the guy who played the guy in the talking wheelchair.

Remember, you've got a little tummy ache, so keep the moans rolling till I

his cell phone number.

My tummy ache's not going to be enough to get me away from dodgeball days.

But I've done some research. I've got a syndrome all picked out. Keep it simple.

We're not trying to start a telethon.

Okay, James, what's the problem? I'm suffering from that disease called

-Eckbaum. Ah, restless leg syndrome.

Yeah, it's really going to be a problem for gym class.

Oh, there it goes again. Can't dodge a ball with these crazy limbs.

Or he could just be hopped up on chocolate.

Do you like chocolate?

No.

Well, I doubt if you've got restless legs, but let's check it out. Oh, it's

really bad today.

There it goes again.

It always wants to go west. There must be rain coming.

Why don't I just hold it?

I love your bedside manner.

Is it good by any bed or...

Just the ones with paper.

Miss Turner, I think your grandson has a little case of I want to skip school

-itis, if you know what I mean.

James, stop wasting the doctor's time.

I'm so sorry.

It's difficult being a single grandmother who's still in her prime.

Oh, it's okay. You can waste my time whenever you want.

Really, Dr.

Fine. Who do I care?

I get paid either way.

This is your fault.

All your wiggling distracted him from my flirting.

You call that flirting?

Yeesh. No wonder you need a 13 -year -old wingman.

Where are my shoes? Where are my shoes? Where are my shoes?

Oh, hey, Gabby. How was school? You want some trail mix?

Where? in shoe, shoe, shoes, did you hear trail mix?

I didn't get them. I am so sorry. Want a raisin?

I want my blue bottom sneakers.

What happened?

Well, the line was moving slow. I saw these pants, and by the time I tried

on, all the blue bottoms were gone.

You stepped out of line for pants? They were high -waisted. You know that's my

jam.

I saved up forever for those.

I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Here's your money back.

Why are there coins?

Well, I knew you'd be upset, so I bought you your favorite pretzel.

This is half a pretzel.

There was a lot of traffic.

Make way for the Mads King.

I got A's on all that work you helped me with, Steph.

Good job, buddy.

I guess I'm one of the smartest parents.

I guess you did.

Give me five.

Careful, buddy.

She'll just leave you hanging when she sees a pair of mom jeans.

What happened?

Thanks to Stephanie, I don't have blue bottoms.

Ooh, blue bottom.

That's a good symptom.

Guess what, Stephanie? No, no. Wait.

Please, let me tell her.

Aaron signed you up for the parent versus teacher's math competition.

He signed me up for what now?

the Smarty Bowl.

They do it every year. I put you down as team captain.

Why? Why would you do that?

Uh, because you're the smartest person he knows.

You get to show the whole school how smart you are at math.

Wow.

Smarty Bowl.

This news is like five -eighths as good as getting my shoes.

What do you think?

Tomorrow you need to smudge more of that purple shadow under your eyes. You

don't look thick enough to get that gym note from Dr. Fine.

Yeah, but I'll be good once Grandma Maggie starts flirting and I start

up.

Stephanie's making me want to throw up. I helped that woman and she sold me out

for Pam.

Were they high -waisted? Because you know that's her jam.

Gabby, can we talk?

I'll be behind the curtain. Why?

I'm wearing smoky eye. I don't need to go all up in my business.

Look, I know you're still mad at me, and I'm really sorry. So, here.

My sneakers?

Orange bottoms?

They're no cops.

I saved you a lot of money. Only you, me, and that one -eyed guy from the

hardware store need to know.

Oh, and I could use your help with one more little thing. Let me guess. You

me to coach you through that Smarty Bowl.

Please? I need you to teach me.

You know, not a lot, just enough to win and stay on Aaron's pedestal.

There's no way I could teach you that much.

Are you sure?

Well, what am I going to do?

Well, I bet they've already written all the questions.

Maybe I can get you the answers in advance.

You mean cheat?

It's not like it's a test. It's a game. You always cheat at games. Miss triple

word score on a made up word. Hey, hey, hey.

Zyquick is a real word.

Use it in a sentence.

Stephanie won the game and you're being a really big Zyquick.

Fine. I cheat a little.

So how are you going to get me those answers?

Have you met James?

Enough said.

You're going to give Steph fake answers to blurt out during the Smarty Bowl for

maximum humiliation.

How'd you put all that together?

Have you met James?

Listen up.

No crazy symptoms. No hyphenated diseases. We cannot get in each other's

this time.

Hi, James.

You're back.

Let me guess.

Final exam's coming up.

Actually, I've been suffering from some kind of...

That doesn't sound good.

You know what does sound good?

Calamari for two on the pier.

Well, this kind of confirms one of my fears.

You know, I've been going over your charts, and I found an anomaly.

Great. So I have an anomaly. Write me that note, kiss my grandma, and we'll be

on our way.

Well, you will be.

Here's some bus money.

I'm very concerned about James.

I think we need to run some tests.

Tests?

You know what? I'm feeling a lot better. Kids get over things fast.

You never get over this.

So to estimate how much time you have left, my colleague's going to come in

take a real quick gallon of blood.

Gallon? I don't have a gallon to give.

Let's find out.

Fuck it up, kid.

I'll tell y 'all no.

Okay. You pumped?

You ready? I can do this.

Thanks to you.

Are you sure you remember all the answers?

Absolutely. We start off with Hoppy the squirrel weighs three and two -thirds

pounds. Then Roderick ate twelve and one -third cupcakes.

Yada, yada, yada.

Aaron still worships me. Then we go get pizza, which, incidentally, Clark has

one -sixth of.

Answer number nine. Look at you. Oh, they're all going to be looking at me.

That's the plan.

Step, I've been talking a bunch of snacks to the teachers for you.

What's this?

Hey, Mr.

Felix, my stepmom is going to own you.

Hey, do you guys know any of this stuff? Because I don't. Don't look at me. I

haven't done fifth grade math since seventh grade.

Guys, no worries. I'm going to win this for us.

Well, someone's a know -it -all.

I'm not being a know -it -all. I just know it.

All.

Welcome to the Smarty Bowl, our fifth grade math competition between our

smartest teachers and our smartest parents.

Mrs. Phillips, what are you doing here?

In the next 20 minutes... I'll be wiping the floor with all of the teachers,

okay? Not a half, not a third, all of them.

Fractions!

Classy.

First question.

Darren has 14 apples, and Susie wants one -ninth of the apples. How many

does she want?

Hoppy the squirrel weighs three and two -third pounds.

She said apples. Why are you answering in squirrels?

That was wrong, Mrs. Phillips. Not half wrong, not a third wrong, all wrong.

Fractions.

Susie wants one and five ninths apples.

Correct. Point teachers.

Huh? That was weird.

Don't worry, guys. I'll get the next one.

Second question.

Julia received three and five eighths pounds of Halloween candy.

Marty received two and three quarters pounds.

How many pounds of candy did they have combined?

Wait, who's Marty and Julia?

And what do they do with Roderick?

Who's Roderick? Roderick's the little fat kid who ate twelve and one -third

cupcakes?

Mrs. Phillips, my cat landed on my face at 4 a .m.

This is not the day.

He received six and three -eighths pounds of candy.

Stephanie does not know math, does she?

She does not.

I see.

When this is over, can you take me to go get some muffin baskets for my teachers

because I have had some things.

I thought you knew this stuff. I do.

I did.

She's asking different questions than the ones I got from...

I guess I should have gotten you out of gym.

In my defense, you're usually lying.

Didn't matter. Gym got canceled. Instead, during history class, Dodgeball

picked up a globe and threw that at me.

He hit you with a globe?

No, I ducked, but then I ran out the door and forgot to open it.

Hey, how'd the Smarty Bowl go?

Pretty much blew up in my face.

A smart parent would have known not to cheat.

You know, Charlie, You're being a real Zyquix.

Still not a word.

Stephanie, why didn't you just tell me you couldn't do math?

Well, I liked that you were getting all excited about me.

I'll always be excited about you. Your stuff.

Anyway, you're good at other stuff.

Mom stuff, fun stuff, and your skin is fabulous.

Well, I'm good at school stuff, too. Well, everything but math.

Really? You know it.

That's great, because...

For my science homework, I have to build an electrical circuit that can power a

light bulb.

Oh. Good luck to you, buddy.