All language subtitles for instant_mom_s03e13_friendly_fire

Dad, can you give me some stamps?

How many?

Enough to mail something about 71
pounds.

According to my doctor.

We talked about this the last time. We
go to Hawaii as a family and not at all.

I'm sending my stuff to my best friend,
Brody. He moved away and I'm going to

surprise him. Brody moved?

Aw, I'm so sorry.

Are you sorry enough to front me some of
those cookies?

Because I could be in here for a couple
of days.

Sweetie, those cookies are for my
meeting.

Yeah, because that's the part of this
you need to address.

Nobody is shipping themselves anywhere.

I have a better idea anyway.

My client has a son about your age, and
maybe you can make a new friend.

Hmm. Is this kid into video games?

I don't know. I sort of need him to be
into video games.

Does he like popsicles?

Probably. I sort of need him to like
popsicles.

Does he like knock -knock jokes?

Absolutely fine. He loves knock -knock
jokes. Tells them all the time.

What is it, Grandpa?

We're back.

Okay, Aaron, I found a good shipping
company, and I put you down as

Looks like Sprang for insurance.

I want to know you got there safe.

Or get reimbursed if you don't.

What in this play -day is to you? Are we
talking don't eat the last donut

important? Or zombie apocalypse
important?

Somewhere in between. His mom is a
fundraising consultant for some huge

charities. Donut huge?

Or zombie apocalypse huge?

Why are those my only two options?

If I do well with her diabetes
fundraiser, I could end up with asthma,

could lead to lupus and even Lyme
disease, and I really want Lyme disease.

If it's that important to you, I'll play
with the kids. Thank you, buddy.

All right.

How do I look?

I'm nine. You always look tall.

Hi, guys. Come on in. Thank you so much
for having us over.

You must be Aaron. Aaron, this is
Justin. Justin, say hi.

Got any good toys?

I sort of need you to have good toys.

This is even cooler than the stuff Brody
and I used to build. The real fun's

knocking it down.

You want to talk about it?

Hey, I know what we can do now.

Uh, Justin, we're not allowed to jump on
the bed.

those cookies from our kitchen but
stephanie says

Always wonder what a vice squad is and
what it does under the covers.

You're not allowed to watch Vice Squad
Undercover.

Keep your mouth shut and there's a 20
-inch for you.

My mom has a bunch in her wallet.

I like the cut of your jib, Justin.

Ooh, a laser tag.

Let's use this and play Vice Squad
Undercover.

You be the perp and resist arrest.

No, no, no.

Keep your jib away from my lasers.

of time. Didn't you hear James?

doctor say?

It's up.

He thinks it might be anxiety.

But of course I'm anxious. I got blood
pressure.

You should exercise and eat healthier.
Do you want me to mix you up a smoothie?

That depends.

What you putting in it? Fruit,
vegetables, mostly seaweed.

Seaweed? No.

It's better than it sounds. Come on, try
some.

I'm allergic.

I get anywhere near seaweed and I'm six
feet under.

If you're that allergic, How do you go
to the beach? Under an umbrella with a

drink in my hand.

Ooh.

But I would like some of these.

I usually like my grapes old and
bottled.

But somebody locked up the good stuff.

Hmm. Locking up the wine and offering me
seaweed juice.

Fine, take a rest.

And she might bring Justin with her.
That boy, it's crazy.

So just tell Stephanie you don't want to
hang out with him. I can't. She's doing

all this business with his mom, so I
have to protect myself any way I can.

Justin's going to want to pop that
bubble wrap.

You're right.

I'll tell her.

Unwrap me.

Oh, whoa, whoa.

That looks like fun.

Save me some.

Oh, Claire's just dropping off my
jacket. We'll set up another play date

Don't worry. I'll try not to.

You see, Stephanie, the thing about
Justin is... What's up with your mom?

won't return any of my calls.

I almost let her choke to death one time
because I wanted a smoothie. Yeah, I'm

hearing it.

Dad, thank you so much for forcing me to
save Grandma Maggie's life.

Look at all the stuff she bought me.

That seems a bit much.

Really? Can you put a price on a fragile
woman's life?

Because I can't...

so sparkly, I'm practically blind.

Just like Dad, when a family member
almost drops dead right in front of him.

I was making a smoothie.

So, Stephanie, like I was saying about
Justin... Thank

you so much for letting me borrow this.
I don't know what was more fabulous, me

or the event.

Well, since it was my jacket and my
party, I'm gonna say both. Hi!

Oh, did you get my invoice?

Yes. Oh, I've been meaning to send you
that check.

Oh, no worries. I know you're good for
it. You know what else I'm good for?

Making sure you get lupus.

Are you serious?

Serious as a heart attack.

Oh, and I might be able to get you heart
disease, too. If I got heart disease, I

would just die.

Eric, did you hear that?

I'm going to do Claire's next
fundraiser. That means you can see

time. How great does that sound? Zombie
apocalypse great.

Ow!

What are you doing?

I was hiding.

Justin's going to be here any minute.

That kid is his own special breed of...
But I think I have a fix.

You have to out -crazy his crazy.

You have to be so...

he'll be the one wrapping himself in
bubble wrap.

Oh, that's good, James. If he runs away,
I'm going to be the one ruining

Stephanie's business.

So how do I do that?

You need to think of something totally
insane that Justin would never agree to

do.

I know. Well, we're right after Labor
Day.

What?

Stephanie says it's risky.

Go on in, Justin. Aaron's in his room.

Hey, I'll think of something for you.
Just follow my lead.

Hey, there's no... knocking face in the
hallway.

You got a bat?

No time for that lame stuff.

We've got crazier things planned for
today.

Tell them, Crazy James.

First, we're going to the drive -thru
for french fries.

That's it?

That's your craziness?

In Stephanie's car.

Which we're gonna steal.

Oh, it's gonna be insane. Insane, I tell
you!

I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to
back out.

Let's steal my mom's car.

It's a hybrid.

Hold on.

There's more cray -cray coming.

After we get the fries, we're going to
eat them on top of... Lions?

Lions?

Yeah, we're going to eat them on top of
lions, apparently.

I'm cool with that.

I have wire cutters in the car so we can
get through the fence at the zoo.

The zoo?

Who's for babies?

We're getting our lions from... The
North Pole.

Dude.

Yeah, fine.

They're polar lions. Real mean because
they are so cold because they're not

supposed to be there.

That sounds lame.

I want to play darts. We don't have
darts, but we can play video games.

until you're mad.

Of course I'm mad.

You went on the PA system at my school
and sang You've Got a Friend.

I just wanted to show my appreciation,
friend.

Hey, hey, hey.

The world's greatest mother -in -law is
here.

No thanks to you.

Oh, don't be like that. Look, I brought
you your favorite kind of wine.

Free!

I don't forgive you, but I'll take the
wine.

And because I messed up really badly, I
made you a cheese tray.

I shredded it for easy swallowing.

I'd like to see you choke on that.

I bet you would.

Stephanie, your ideas for this lupus
benefit are great. We are going to raise

ton of money.

Great, Claire, but all of this talk
about money reminds me you owe me some.

Oh, let's talk about money later. I want
to do the fun stuff. You know what's

fun for me?

Getting my money.

Look, Stephanie, if you want, I can just
write you a check right now.

Well, since you brought it up, sure.

Here's a pen.

Oh, you're not going to believe it, but
I don't have my business checkbook.

Stephanie, you need to remind me.

Sorry,

I gotta go.

Hey, Raquel.

Yes, your attorney did contact me.
Seriously? Small claims court?

Is that how you treat family?

Charlie, Claire's a deadbeat. She hasn't
paid me for my last job, and now she

wants me to start a new one. I blow her
off, but I don't want to ruin Aaron's

friendship with Justin.

I want to send your mom on a cruise.

Which island says I'm sorry more, St.
Martin's or St. Kitts? Charlie, can you

climb out of my mother's butt for a
minute?

I've got a real problem.

Okay.

But when I get back in there, Martin's
or Kitts? Kitts or Martin's?

That's a tough one. Let me see.

We're all good on the plan?

Because it's a good plan, right?

Yeah. I offer Grandma Maggie seaweed
lasagna. You save her life, everything

back to normal. Oh, shut up, shut up,
shut up. Here she comes.

Dad, Dad, take a breath. Keep it cool.
Be subtle.

Hi, hi, hi.

Lasagna.

Don't mind if I do.

I made it just for you.

Here's a big fork so that you can take a
big bite.

No, no.

So?

You're allergic.

And I... I saved your life.

Ain't nobody allergic to seaweed.

I just said that because I didn't want
to drink that nasty mess of yours. I

mean, who puts seaweed in a smoothie?

Flipper?

You know, I'm done apologizing. You're
impossible.

I tried everything.

Thank you, Gabby. Oh, this lasagna looks
delicious. I'm just going to inhale it.

had something you wanted to say to me?

Oh, hey, boys. What are you up to this
afternoon?

Well, Justin was asking where we keep
our rope.

Isn't that hot?

I don't know if we have rope, but I
think your dad has a bungee cord in the

garage. That'll work.

Thank you, Stephanie.

Justin also wanted to know if we have a
boy -sized barrel.

Isn't that a...

We don't have any barrels, but I can let
you have that box you were playing with

the other day.

That'll work.

Ooh, look, I found a quarter in your
sofa.

Finders keepers.

Uh, that's usually more of a public
place thing.

I want a quarter. Give me that quarter.

Hey, honey, you can have it.

Oh, so now we're just giving my money
away.

Claire, you better get this boy before I
do.

Um, he's just playing.

Give me that.

He's always like this. He's a psycho!

What? I thought he was your friend.

Uh -uh.

Give me that.

You know what?

You need to get out of here, deadbeat,
and take Freckle and Hide with you.

Well, if that's how you're gonna be,
I'll have to start looking for a new

planner. If you don't pay me, you'll
have to start looking for new teeth.

Fine. Never the answer, boys.

Hey, before we go, do you have any razor
wire?

Oh, shut up!

Justin. Why didn't you tell me you
didn't like Justin's ball?

Good point.

Man, things sure would be easier if
Brody hadn't moved to Prussia.

Prussia?

Prussia doesn't exist anymore.

Sure it does. They made Brody king of
it.

Honey, there's no king of Prussia.

Wait a minute.

Did Brody move to the town called King
of Prussia that's 20 minutes away?

Nope. I'm pretty sure they made Brody
king of Prussia.

See you at basketball practice.

I'll tell you what.

How about we get in the car and go visit
Brody?

We can?

Really?

Okay, but a quick heads up.

Justin wants to play this game.

Headlights, Matt.

The rules are simple.

Oh, you'll see it.

23.

24, 25.

And 12.

I am not a child. I am a grown woman. I
do not need to be taught how to chew my

food. Uh, you kind of do.

We love you, Grandma Maggie. We really
don't want to go through this again.

Are you ready for another bite? I'm
ready to bite your head off and chew

times.

to eat her food.