Original subtitles

Oh, one of my patients died following complications from surgery.

Oh, not the heart, not the heart, not the heart. Oh, liposuction, yes.

I mean, poor Mr.

Grimaldi.

Mr. Grimaldi, the Mr.

Grimaldi from the worst day of my life. Who's Mr.

Grimaldi? Well, he was part owner of the Phillies.

About four years ago, he gave his box seats to a gang.

I didn't get to go. It was the best day ever.

We got to go in the dugout and meet all the players. Not me.

And run the bases.

Not me.

And hug all the players. Not me.

I like a good hug.

Okay, I'll bite.

Why not you? Because Dad grounded me that day.

Charlie, how could you leave James out of all of that? I didn't know. I thought

it was just tickets.

Turns out Mr. Grimaldi planned a bunch of little surprises.

You rode in a blimp.

And one big one.

That was so unfair.

No, it was perfectly fair. You flooded the basement.

I told you, I didn't do that. Then who did?

I don't know, maybe one of your other kids?

Have you even asked them?

No, because you were the one that was bugging me for an indoor water park.

Slippery James' splash for cash.

But if it makes you feel better... ask him right now. Gabby, did you flood the

basement? No, Father, I did not. Aaron, did you flood the basement?

Kind of. See, James, wait a minute. What?

Ha! Told you it wasn't me. Aaron, how could you let James get punished and not

tell your dad?

Oh, would you? Look at the time.

Who's driving us to school?

First, it's Saturday.

Second, you flooded the basement and let James take the blame.

You're in big trouble, son. I'm very disappointed in you.

Knowing that is punishment enough.

No, that's not remotely punishment enough.

I need to give it some thought.

You never want thought. He likes to get creative.

You can punish him all you want. I'm never going to get that day back. James,

owe you a big apology.

In fact, I owe you a lot more than that. Tell you what, next time you're in

trouble, I'll give you a free pass.

Charlie, let me get this straight.

Next time I do something wrong...

I don't get punished.

That's what I'm saying.

Charlie, since I don't like to tell you you're stupid in front of the kids can I

see you in the living room?

Pat, about the free pass that gets me out of a punishment.

You need it already?

That didn't take you long, honey. I owe you five bucks.

Who am I calling, fire police or poison control?

No, no, no.

I made an actual free pass, and I need you to sign it.

The bearer of this off -the -hook card is entitled to go unpunished for one act

of wrongdoing.

Why should I find this? I told you I'd give you a free pass, and I'll do it.

You expect me to take the word of a man who ruined my life by cheating me out of

the best day ever?

Fine. Give it here.

Oh, look. It's got cute little glitter baseballs on it.

It's not glitter. They're shiny from my tears.

I said I'd sign it.

Charlie, what are you doing?

Repairing the trust between a father and son.

I did wrong by James. I promised I'd make it right, and I stand by my

Thank you, Dad. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get this bad boy

laminated.

Congratulations, Charlie. Now your idea is stupid and waterproof.

I know you're not doing your nails on my kitchen table.

We had to. Your coffee table's cluttered.

Now, clean up that mess.

This table is very special to me.

Special? That's where Aaron and James hold their snail races.

Their what?

I don't know how you never walked in on one.

It'll take like six hours.

Okay, that's it. No one is using this table for anything.

It was a big deal when I bought this. It was the first piece of furniture I

owned that I didn't get at a police auction.

Girl doesn't lie.

She slept on a dead man's mattress till she was 24.

All right, I will collect the nail polish. You get the rest.

I'm not picking up your nasty old acrylic nails.

Fine. I'll do it, ya baby.

Uh -oh.

Glue stuck to the table.

Get me a screwdriver.

Grandma Maggie, why don't you try using nail polish remover? Because it will

strip the varnish clean off.

Yeah, but I don't think a screwdriver is really going to take it off. Please!

Grown folks got this.

Thank you.

What you gonna do now, grown folk?

I smell money.

You didn't find that taste in a certain air duct, did you?

No. Under a certain brick in Stephanie's herb garden?

No.

under another certain brick and Stephanie's herb garden.

No, and dude, get a bank account.

This money is mine from all my Christmas and birthday cards.

$75. Is this enough to get me to Cuba?

Why do you want to go anywhere?

Because Dad's giving me my punishment tonight, and he's been giving it some

thought all day, and so have I. It's not pretty, James.

It's not pretty.

I might be able to help you out.

You can use this card, and Dad has to let you off the hook. But Dad gave it to

you. All it says is this card entitled The Bear. The Bear could be anybody.

Anybody willing to pay.

How much?

I hear these cards are going for about 75 bucks.

I'm not stupid, Jane.

But I am desperate.

Here you go.

Oh, look.

Here's another birthday card.

I still have five bucks.

Shipping and handling.

Do you really expect Stephanie to believe this is a priceless family

Hey, this was the fanciest thing at the 89 cent store.

Cost me a dollar nine.

What did you do to my table? It was Grandma Maggie.

Jill!

She's talking about the tablecloth.

This belonged to your great - Aunt Bertha, and she wanted you to have it.

did I ever do to her?

What are you doing? Taking it off. It's ugly. You're ugly!

What? I mean, in your heart, it was your great Aunt

Bertha's dying wish that you share meals on this with your family

forever.

Or at least until I tell you you don't have to.

Nice try, Aaron, but that off -the -hook card is for James's use only.

But I paid 80 bucks to be the bear!

Grrr!

Okay, that's adorable.

But no.

Wait a minute, Charlie.

This could be good.

Aaron uses the card to get out of his punishment. The card goes away, and so

does the stupid.

Stop calling this stupid!

You know how many stupid parenting things you've done?

None? We are lucky to have you.

Congratulations, Aaron. You are now the proud bearer of a genuine off -the -hook

card. Best 80 bucks I've ever spent.

I'm going to tip so many valets.

Hey, Aaron, if that card's for sale, then I want to buy it. Nope. Aaron's

to cash it in right now to get out of his punishment for flooding the

And you're lucky you have that card because you were going to lose dessert

whole week. That was my punishment?

That was his punishment?

I'm not using the card for that.

No dessert?

Aaron, I made pudding.

Then I'll definitely take that punishment.

Pudding should be smooth.

So the off -the -hook card's back on the market?

Can anybody use this card?

Just a curious grandmother.

You know, trying to get in on the family fun.

Man, should have thought this through.

Aaron, I'll give you 12 bucks for that card.

I just gave you 80.

Look at you, remembering things.

I'll give you 100. What kind of trouble are you planning that's worth $100?

150. Maybe we should lower their allowances.

Aaron. I will trade that card for a great big old grandmama hug.

Unless your hug comes from my own phone, you're not even in the conversation.

I've got 150 all on the table.

155 from your favorite sister.

Hey, Rose, before Gabby.

Oh, let the kids sell the card to each other.

Who's stupid now?

No one, just me. Have you lost weight?

I'll give you $170 for that card, but that's all I have. I don't even know if

I'm going to sell it.

That's very savvy of you. Why sell when you can trade? I'll give you my bike.

You really want a girl's bike?

It's not a girl's bike. It's pink.

The color is coral shock.

I'll buy you a new bike. I'll buy you a moped.

How can you buy him a moped?

Zero down, three years financing.

James, I can't drive a moped. You can't, but I can drive a car. I'll take you

anywhere you want for a month.

Ha! You topped that, baby brother.

You can have my side of the room. You can have my whole room. I will build you

room.

Calm down, you guys. I have a perfect way to know who to give the card to.

Gabby, you stand there.

James, you stand there.

I'll bust open my ant farm and whoever they crawl to, I'll sell you the card.

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

170 and I'll unblock you on Instagram.

Hashtag deal.

We're not going to do the ant thing?

Dang, the one day I had meat in my pocket.

Charlie, what are you doing in here?

I'm looking for that card.

Why? Because it wasn't in Gabby's room.

I told you, just call the whole thing off. Tell them they can't use it. I

that card.

My whole relationship with my kids has been based on integrity. They have to

know that they can trust me.

Now lift up his head so I can check under his pillow.

Fine.

You make things so crazy around here, Charlie.

You think you're going to get away with this?

Yeah, I'm talking to you. Ellen, this is over.

I'm going to climb back on that turtle and run this army the way it should be

run.

I think he's talking in his sleep.

Really? You mean he doesn't have a giant turtle he's going to parade before the

troops?

Shh, Commander.

It's over.

Something just bit me.

Where are you going? I don't even feel safe in the room with the lights on.

Yeah, Dad and Steph went out to a matinee.

Come on.

Lose the tablecloth. We got work to do.

What is that?

This is the Hand Blacktop 9000. The most powerful

belt sander they could rent me by law.

Yes. I am gonna make this... table as smooth as a freshly

shaved man whispering sweet nothings in my ear a little

lonely there grandma maggie shut up

you know that looks pretty intense maybe we should read the instructions ain't

nobody got time for that

torn this house apart. I cannot find that card.

I have a new strategy.

If we can't find the card, we bring the card to us.

Not sure where you're going with this. Your track record's not that great, but

what do you got?

Aaron didn't play the card because his punishment was too light.

How about we punish all of them so severely they're forced to use it?

But first they'd have to do something wrong.

Charlie, you're slowing us down. Let me drive. James!

to put his cup in the dishwasher.

Actually, that was me.

He doesn't know that.

Sup?

What's this? Dad's cup.

Well, then, whose cup is this?

Gabby's. How do you know it's not yours? Because I drink right out of the

carton. Ah!

Busted. Yes, busted. You are so busted.

Your punishment is three weeks no food.

Too far.

No electronics.

Oh, look at what's going on here.

You want me to play the card.

Do I look like a mattress tag?

No. Then why are you trying to rip me off?

I don't have it. Can I have a popsicle? No treats before dinner. You know the

rules. And you are grounded. For acting for a popsicle? Now you're talking back?

Six months. No electronic.

Where were you?

Volunteering at the soup kitchen. Oh, yeah? You leave your dishes lying around

there?

Two years. No electronic.

What? They're doing a thing. They want us to play the card. Yeah, that's right.

And until one of you does, all of you have to... Dust the entire

living room with cotton swab.

Oh, you are good.

So do we get one swab each or like a pack?

This is lame. As if a little swabbing is going to break it. I know, right?

Just out of curiosity, how much longer is this not going to break us? Because

I've got 500 Twitter followers who probably think I'm dead.

James, why don't you just give Dad the card so Gabby and I can stop cleaning?

I don't have it. I traded it to Gabby for all her old math tests. And I traded

it to Aaron for his morning bathroom time. But then I traded it to James for

his old math tests.

Not my best trade.

That's why I traded it back to you, remember?

Oh, right.

So then you have it.

Yeah, no, I traded it back to Gabby. When?

Before, you know, after James.

Before or after?

Yeah.

I think.

I'm confused.

So nobody knows who has it except for the person who has it, who is clearly

lying. But why are you lying, James? I'm not lying. You're lying. I'm not lying.

If James isn't lying and you aren't lying, then I must be lying.

Why am I lying, James?

Face it.

We'll never know who has the card until somebody actually uses it. We might as

well stop arguing and get back to cleaning. We're almost done anyway.

Wow. You guys are doing such a great job.

Anybody ready to play the card?

Uh, no.

Well, in that case, baggie full of dirt.

No kids cleaning.

Did we break them? Are they sobbing?

Nope. They actually finished.

2 ,000 cotton swabs later, we still don't have that card.

Oh, good.

You're both here.

Where have you been?

Because I totally noticed you were gone.

I have a confession to make.

I borrowed Dad's car without asking so Molly and I could go to the mall. But

before you ground me, I'm going to use the off -the -hook card. Really?

I thought you would have used it for something bigger.

I mean, if I were your age... Stephanie, the girl wants to use the card. Let the

girl use the card.

Well, I'm not using the card for just that.

This, on the other hand, is card worthy.

Gabby, what did you do?

I'm sure it'll be on the news.

More important, here's the card.

Where's the card?

It was in here, I swear.

I know what you're wondering, and the answer is her name is Darlene, and she

majestic.

Actually, I have a different question.

Oh, twice outside, once in the kitchen.

In my kitchen?

I am so angry, but she is so adorable.

I don't know if I should ground you or put you in a little cowboy outfit.

Before anybody starts grounding anybody, I believe this off -the -hook card

should cover any damage.

You stole the card from me.

Well, I did, but someone must have stolen it from me.

Hey! Does anyone know how to get water out of your ears?

And the basement?

You flooded the basement?

Again? I couldn't resist. It was one of my fondest childhood memories.

How did you steal the card? I don't have a card. Last I knew, you stole it from

Gabby. Well, why would you flood the basement if you didn't have the card?

An extra week without dessert.

Totally worth it.

So my daughter drags part of my car into the house. My son drags in that thing.

She has a name.

It's okay, darling.

And my other son floods the basement.

Stephanie, stop petting that little horse.

I can't help it. She licked my hand.

All three of you kids are in serious trouble. But I had that card, I swear.

Forget about the card. I can't believe I even gave you an off -the -hook card.

I don't need to repair your trust.

You're going to trust me because I said so.

And from now on, if Dad is wrong, we're going to live with it and we're going to

like it.

Charlie, deep breaths.

Gabby, put the car door in the garage.

Aaron, grab some buckets from the kitchen. James, take Darlene to the

And you and I will braid her mane.

Stephanie!

And then we'll call somebody.

Hi, guys.

Darlene.

My table!

It's ruined!

Who did this?

I did.

But don't worry.

I know how to fix it.

Dad voided the card. It's worthless.

Huh?

Oh. Well, in that case, giddyup, darling.