Original subtitles

James, we're gonna be late for school.

Gabby, where are you going? We're about to leave.

My bio homework's upstairs.

I have to finish it. Well, why didn't you finish it last night?

I was busy working on my math.

I also have to finish my math.

Just do it all in the car like always.

Don't blame me. Dad said he was gonna help me after the Phillies game, but he

fell asleep.

You know, every morning there's an issue with your homework. Every night there's

an issue with your husband.

James, we're gonna...

What do you mean? Your alarm went off an hour ago. What were you doing?

Snoozing. Why were you snoozing?

Because there's a button that tells me to.

It's like the biggest button on the clock.

Wait, where'd my socks go?

Oh, right, sock drawer. Duh.

Ah, ah, ah, come back here. You can borrow socks at school.

Have you seen my friend's feet?

No, thank you.

I don't like my lunch.

Oh, sweetie, what's wrong with a ham sandwich and apple slices?

I'm over ham, and you know I don't do Granny Smith.

Can I have something else? I don't have time to make you a second lunch today.

That's what you say every day. And yet you always ask.

Here, stand by the door and wait until everybody is ready.

Gabby, James, we should have been gone ten minutes ago. I want you in the car

now or I'm gonna lose it.

Ah, you gotta love a long hot shower.

Hey,

I'm gonna go make me some pancakes.

Oh, that sounds wonderful. Did you enjoy the Phillies game last night? Oh, yeah,

it was great. You know I don't care about the Phillies game.

I cared that you didn't help Gabby with her homework again, and we're going to

be late again because you wanted to watch the end of the game.

You seem tense.

Hey, you should try my new shower scrub.

Smell that eucalyptus. Huh? It's calming.

You have one second to pull that arm back or I'm going to bite it off.

I don't have time to take a shower. Look at me. I'm disgusting.

Well, but then you'll put on your funny hat and you'll drive in the school coat

and then you'll come home and fix all that.

Honey, with all those other moms, They show up with perfect hair, perfect

clothes, perfect kids.

And they also have time to stop and get a perfect latte.

But, oh, not me.

I'm a mess. No, honey, you're a hot mess.

I'm here.

Darn it, my shoes don't match.

All right, well, you've got a left and a right. Now let's go, and I mean it.

Ship to Fiji yet? I am so not playing right now. Three, two... Everybody!

You get to school on time with me in Fiji.

to proofread Gabby's homework.

Already did. It's in the living room.

You look nice.

You look nice. What time is it?

Afternoon. Where's my phone? I was supposed to do Mrs. Morris' bypass.

Charlie, Charlie, it's okay. It's only 7 .10.

But you look later.

Well, this morning, I planned ahead, I woke up early, and I even got the kids

all together without any drama.

Did you threaten to move to Fiji?

I did not.

I didn't even yell once.

I need to change, Charlie.

Well, you've got time, but I like what you're wearing.

No, a bigger change.

Did Aaron show you the book he made at school?

The Yelly Monster in My House.

Oh, that's so cute.

Read it.

One morning, a monster yelled at her kids.

gobbled them up, drove them to school, and spit them out.

The end.

Ha! The monster kind of looks like... Oh.

Yeah. I'm the Yelly Monster.

But not anymore.

I am not going to be the mom in the drop -off line who gets her kids to tuck and

roll as they bounce out of the car.

Charlie, I don't want to be the Yelly Monster.

I want to give the... kids memories i have you know happy morning laughing and

making breakfast with my mom the mom you currently have she was fun charlie and

i am going to be more fun in the morning starting today because from now on it

is my world that's right and we all just living in it because mama phillips got

it going on never do that again

okay do it again gone with your bad self

We're good now.

Aw, look at the three of you sitting there waiting.

What's wrong with this picture?

Nothing's wrong with this picture.

Because I am awesome and early. I don't get it. It's morning and you're not

yelling. And your eye's not twitching.

And we are ten minutes ahead of schedule. I even have time for a latte.

You got ten minutes? I might as well brush my teeth.

No. Bye. leaves.

Bam! Tiny brush, tiny paste. Hit him up in the car.

What about blood?

Whacked or unwacked?

I was just testing, like I've lost.

Aaron, lunch.

What do you make? Turkey and Swiss, just like you asked for last night.

That was last night.

How does roast beef grab you?

Always love roast beef.

Good, because that's really roast beef.

You're good today.

Gabby, you're... Fixed paper.

Your dad proofed it. Oh, he made a cover page. Way to go, Dad.

And Times New Roman.

That's fly.

See? Happy morning.

You're gonna wear that blazer with that blouse?

Oh, I can go without the blazer.

Yeah, I like that shirt.

You look like a giant rose bush.

I'm changing. Nobody move.

Oh, man, I can't believe we got up early just to sit here.

You sit.

I'm gonna snooze. Wake me in nine minutes.

Okay, while you snooze, I'm making a new lunch. I can't get turkey and Swiss out

of my head.

It's your snoozing that gets Stephanie's psycho in the first place.

Me? I'm not the one running around all, I can't do my homework without my daddy.

Boo -frickity -hoo.

At least I do my homework.

Ooh, nerd burn.

A nerd who'll be giving you money when you're a vagrant.

Correction, won't be giving you money. I'll just be spitting in your little

That's okay, because when I'm a vagrant, Aaron will float me.

Way to dream big, idiot.

Get off it. You don't even do your homework. You just text Molly all night.

heart Derek.

Hashtag yummy.

You know what I don't heart?

Hashtagging when it's not a tweet.

You little cretin. You're reading my text?

even doing that? I set my alarm for 3 a .m., sneak into your bedroom, read your

phone, take a picture of you drooling in your sleep, post it on my blog, answer

all the comments, and then crawl back to bed.

Why do you think I always need to snooze?

James, you come in my room again and no one will find your body.

Hashtag, I'm not kidding.

Hashtag, for real.

That's not how hashtags work. You're ruining technology.

We're all here.

We're not all here.

Large, medium, we're small.

Kitchen, there's a sandwich crisis.

Ah, well, not a problem, because we are still eight minutes ahead of schedule.

Aaron, sweetie, what are you doing?

Making a new lunch. Don't see any turkey.

Do we have lobster?

Well, how does bologna sound?

Even better than lobster.

Here, now, well, excuse me.

I'm about to get my phone on.

How many points are a bologna sandwich?

Stop looking at Grandma Maggie.

Why ain't there no latte in my latte?

Did you plug it in? Of course I plugged it in.

How's that sandwich coming?

Good, I'm putting the bread in the middle and left it on the outside.

With the air in.

Dad, what did you do to my essay?

Gabby, don't you leave that living room.

She's gonna leave that living room.

What's wrong? Dad didn't proofread my essay. He totally rewrote it. I'm sure

just tweaked it a little. It's opinion -based, and he changed my opinion to his

opinion. So maybe he over -tweaked.

Is it okay to sacrifice your principles to get ahead if no one gets hurt? What

would you say?

Um, if nobody gets hurt, I guess.

Thank you. That's what I said. And Dad completely rewrote it to something all

preachy about morality and standing for what you believe in.

I'm gonna give that man a piece of my mind.

Well, make it a small piece. We're down to three minutes early.

Wait, where did James go?

I don't care.

Dad! James!

Hi, hi, hi!

Table's out, and it's Al Roker time!

James, why are you changing when we need to leave the house? I've seen you wear

the same shirt for a week.

Don't freak out, but I just remembered I'm supposed to go to school as Abe

Lincoln. Just remembered?

Is there anything else you want to tell me at the last minute? I like you better

than my real mom.

Stephanie!

Al is doing the weather in a Speedo this morning, and I'm going to need to see

that more than once.

Where did we see Al?

In 1989.

Where it can run free with my Walkman and my scrunchies.

Okay, Abe Lincoln, what do you need? A stovepipe hat, a suit, and a beard. Or

could just cover me in $5 bills.

All right, Mom, can you make James' costume?

I don't have that kind of money.

Uh, well, then, how about you keep an eye on Aaron and help me finish making

latte?

Okay.

But Al and I are on a clock, too.

Sorry, Stephanie.

I wrote a reminder on my hand, but you may be watching before dinner, so

actually, there's a lot of blame to go around.

Mistakes were made and so forth.

We'll just have memories of this as the happy morning we pulled a costume out of

our butt.

Here is your stovepipe hat.

I look like I work at Benihana.

And I know Lincoln didn't wear a powder blue suit.

He did to his prong.

Okay, fine, fine. Here.

Take my blazer.

All right, you keep going on your costume. I have to change again. This

looks ridiculous without a blazer. Now that you've opened the door, I'm not

crazy about those pants either.

Really? Is it the cut or the color?

Ah, who am I talking to?

It's the fabric. It doesn't fit right.

Dad, you can't just go changing my opinions.

I gave you your mind. I can change it.

Could you guys wrap this up? We're leaving as soon as I'm dressed. Hang on

minute, Stephanie. This was a teachable moment.

Who cares?

teaching, she has to go to school.

Who needs teaching when Dad can just tell me what to think? I've just got a

old empty head waiting to be filled with all of your great thoughts.

What should I be thinking now, Dad?

You should be thinking I need to cancel my weekend plans because I just talked

crazy to my father.

Fine. But I'm still going to print my original paper from before you dadified

it.

Giving up your principles is unethical, young lady. And when you print it up, I

want to go over it with you line by line, no matter how long it takes. No

how long it takes?

Charlie, if you can't help me with the kids, at least don't make it worse. I am

helping. I'm helping Gabby with her homework, like you told me to.

Okay, well, while she's printing that out, can you help deal with Jane's

costume? I'm a man. I don't multitask.

What? I saw it in one of your magazines.

Apparently, I do one thing at a time, and I do it very well.

Right now, I'm teaching my daughter ethics.

Right now, you're just sitting here blowing out hot air.

Charlie? This is supposed to be my happy, on -time, looking great with my

morning. But here I am, turning into a Yelly Monster.

Oh, come on, honey. You are not being Yelly Monster. Oh, shut up, Charlie! You

don't know me!

All right, James, we gotta make this fast. We ruined all of our earliness,

now we're running late. Here, put these on. I need to be taller, not friendless.

Lincoln was very unpopular in his time, so this worked. Well, and that were

indeed.

And beards are supposed to be fluffy and jolly, not flat and two -ply.

But we've got to make do with what we've got, and what we've got is no time.

Okay, but I thought we could use these cotton balls and glue.

You've had that the entire time?

Yes. And based on how nuts you're getting, I should have led with that

information.

I'm not getting nuts.

I'm fine.

Now, you just glue all these cotton balls together, and I'll paint them with

this black shoe polish.

Obviously, the last idiot to use this didn't screw the top on all the way.

Idiot? Or highly intelligent individual who was trying to prank his sister and

got distracted by chocolate cake?

That's fine.

I'll just change out of my favorite but now ruined silk blouse and sweater.

I mean, it really got in there.

You know, James...

Honey, where's the shoe polish?

This is black. I need brown.

You know what, Dad?

I was rereading your changes to my essay, and I think I'm going to turn in

version after all. Glad you finally realized that sacrificing your

wrong. Dad, please. Your opinion is totally lame. But you used way fancier

than me. I mean, ergo, I'm so getting an A.

What? Gabby, let's go. Okay.

You've got your morning hat downstairs, right? Because you've got the black gunk

in your hair.

Gabby, you can't turn in someone else's paper just to get an A. Did you forget

when you ordered me to?

No, no, no, no, no. Don't turn this around on me. I was making you a better

person. And now I'll get a better grade, which will get me into a better

college, which will make me a better person.

Ergo.

Hashtag thanks, Dad.

You're not even using ergo correctly.

A popsicle sandwich?

Not a chance.

If you're worried about it melting, I got that covered.

Freeze it back, baby.

Peanut butter, baby.

Go.

Mom, why did you stop him?

Because I don't like him up in my business, so I try to stay out of his

business.

This is a happy morning. We will remember as happy. Right, Aaron?

Aaron, why are you spreading peanut butter on your hand?

We used up all the bread.

All right, let's see what we've got.

Um, what about carrot and string cheese?

That's not a lunch.

Meatloaf I made last night?

Come on.

Uh, pickles and yogurt?

What am I, pregnant?

Just tell the cafeteria to heat up whatever this is.

What if I don't like it? You better like it.

with you I have three kids I have to take to school every day but apparently

can't do it without turning into a yelling monster sweetheart kids are slow

yelling gets them in gear when I was a kid you never yelled in the morning

yelled I raised you I

Perner's secret to an easy morning.

Please, tell me.

Cookies.

Cookies.

Cookies.

When you were little, I used to tell you if you were in that car in one minute

flat, there'd be a treat on the seat.

You bribed me with food?

That's the worst parenting move I've ever heard.

Good. So you don't remember how a potty trained you.

Heck, did you potty train me?

Never mind.

You know where to go, and you'll never forget it.

Come on, everybody. Let's go.

Not so fast, Gabby.

I'm not going to let you turn in my version.

You'll turn in your original paper.

I can't. You saved your version over my original document.

I what now?

Deal with it.

Tell the teacher the computer broke.

You want me to lie to my ethics teacher?

Ignore the irony. Go to school.

Erin, what are you doing with my leftover lobster Thermidor?

So that's what's in here. I knew we had lobster.

No, no, no, no, no. I have lobster.

And you're buying lunch.

James!

Now you're Obama on a Saturday.

Everyone in the car.

Don't forget your latte.

Oh, yes. Thank you, thank you.

I left the lid loose in case you wanted some sweetener.

But I see you don't.

That's okay.

I'm not even going to change.

I am just going to grab my failure coat and drive everyone to school.

Your heel broke. I know that.

Before these.

Great. The loser boots.

They go with my failure coat.

And now all I need is my sad hat.

Here it is, Stephanie.

All I wanted was one morning where I didn't go crazy. But did I get it? Did I

get it? Huh? Huh? Of course I didn't. Because I...

And I don't care!

If you really don't care, I kind of need to charge my phone.

I have to make a quick diary. And if I'm going to be weak as Obama, I need my

presidential high tops.

Yelly monster.

You don't say I told you so.

But I did.

I just remembered, I don't need to be president until tomorrow.

Just because you take him to school doesn't mean you have to pick him up.

Come on, guys, let's go. We're running late.

Coming. Everybody got everything?

Are the cookies in the glove box? Why don't you get in the car and find out?

Those shoes with bad jackets? You're braver than me.

I have to change my shoes.