Original subtitles

Most of us don't think video games are the future, and the future is now.

Calibrate robot lobster claws.

FYI, I'm pinching your head off.

Dad said don't do that!

Can't hear you. Dancing on your core.

Dad said don't do that either!

Just tell me what you got for him.

You'll find out tomorrow.

Excuse me? Dancing on my brother's corpse here.

Shush. I'm trying to find out what Stephanie got Dad for their first

anniversary. I bet it's way better than whatever he got for her.

An anniversary is a moment to celebrate love, not a competition.

But yours is better, right?

Uh, yeah.

I bet Dad's would be better. A few years ago, Dad got our mom a giant candle

shaped like a mushroom. That was their last anniversary.

What's your anniversary present for Stephanie?

Well, number one, she's standing right here.

And number two, definitely not a mushroom candle.

Gabby's been trying to wheedle the same thing out of me all day.

Stop being so nosy.

Anniversary gifts are between a husband and a wife.

But yours is better, right?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, good. You're here.

I need to make sure that you are not the average man.

You don't know me like that.

The average man does not know what to get his wife on her first anniversary.

Well, thank you, but I'm pretty sure I got Stephanie the perfect gift. The

perfect gift includes diamonds.

Does your gift include diamonds, Charlie?

No, no, no. The first anniversary gift is traditionally paper.

Well, as long as that paper is wrapped around some diamonds, we're good.

Do you know what my husband is doing for me?

Yes, and I fixed it.

What?

He's driving all the way to McMurray and getting me a giant stuffed moose head.

As long as that moose head is stuffed with... I get it.

is planning a party with the Canadian theme.

Guess I'll head for the Great White North, eh?

So you're throwing a moose party.

There's no party.

That Animal Head warehouse went out of business.

You don't say.

I sent Charlie on a wild moose chase.

I gotta get rid of him for the day so that Vince can come over.

Vince?

Good -looking ex -boyfriend Vince?

No, a long - long time ago, Vince.

Well, you know, the first anniversary gift is paper, not panties.

Mom, Vince is a professional AV installer who is putting in a full house

and giving me an incredible price.

Baby, nobody does nothing for nothing.

We are just old friends, and honestly, I am tired of all of your negativity.

Fine. You will not hear another negative word from me.

Great. I'm positive Vince wants to plug in your subwoofer.

So, that's the whole house.

Not bad, Mrs. Dr.

Phillips. Oh, thank you.

Well, you do your work and the kids and I will stay out of your hair.

Look at you.

Three kids? You must be the hottest mom in the carpool line.

hot mom who wants to give her husband a nice gift on our anniversary of being

married.

Happily. All right, now, don't rub it in. But hey, at least you are giving me

this one last chance.

Uh,

one last chance to what?

You know, get a little something for myself out of all this.

Hey, Steph.

I, uh, oh, wow.

This is my stepdaughter, Gabby, from my sacred vows of matrimony.

And, Gabby, this is Vince, who's putting in a sound system for your dad's

anniversary present.

I... So,

how's it going at...

James, why is your brother tied up this time?

I'm a human, you... Check it.

Okay,

all right.

How about you put the cable away and let Vince do his work?

Ken, I'm his assistant.

Jane, insulated long nose? Insulated long nose. Insulated long nose.

I'm subcontracting.

These guys are the best crew I've ever had.

I found my calling.

Electrical home installations.

Good news, I won't be needing school anymore.

I still need a little math.

Vince was teaching me wiring, and I'm teaching him how to work six hours and

charge for 12.

We're kind of learning from each other.

Of course, sometimes you charge for only parts because you're hoping the job

pays off in other ways.

Well, would you look at the time? My Dr.

Husband's almost home to continue our marriage.

Guess we better get on it. Let's go check the intercom signal.

Cool. All my dad knows how to do is heart transplant.

Yeah, who needs that?

No negative.

No sarcastic positive.

A double negative still counts as a negative and don't even think about a

double positive.

Oh, I get it.

Now you're not saying anything at all.

Fine. I may have gotten myself in over my head with Vince.

Mm -hmm.

I can cover it up. I mean, nobody else has to know that Vince is my ex

-boyfriend. Stephanie?

Jane?

Vince got the intercom working, so we kind of heard everything you just said.

We?

Me, Gabby.

Three years to college. Three years to college.

Everybody enjoying their popsicles an hour before dinner?

You know it.

What's the catch?

No catch.

You don't want us to tell Dad about Vince.

And I'm willing to pay.

I just want to hear all about you and Vince. You can pay me in details,

girlfriend.

There is nothing to hear.

That's why I don't want you to tell your dad.

Because hearing about nothing can make you think it's something.

Gotcha. We'll talk when the kids are in bed.

Whatever. James, you have me to pay.

Outstanding. But we'll need to make it unanimous.

Sorry, Stephanie, I can't keep a secret.

What are you talking about? You keep secrets from your dad and me all the

You kept a live squirrel in your room for a week.

And a dead one for another week.

No, but those are kid secrets.

Help me.

Do you not understand what unanimous means?

No. I was going to ask, but we wouldn't pass it.

Stephanie, I'll help Eric keep the secret if you pay me his share.

Deal.

Don't worry about it. Once things are gone, it won't even be a secret anymore.

This will all become something that everybody forgets about. Like curfews

homework. And that bitch is Stephanie's boyfriend.

wasn't easy to get.

That place you sent me to, out of business.

But I went to the county clerk to locate the former owner.

Had to drive another three hours into the country, but I got it, strapped it

the roof.

Almost hit a deer on the way back.

Wouldn't that have been ironic?

Wow.

Excellent work.

Thank you.

So, while your father was out hunting big game,

How was your day?

Full of surprises.

Really? Like what?

Well, Stephanie... Ow!

Oops. Sorry.

Oversighted.

Okay.

What's going on?

Nothing.

Stephanie has a secret.

It's not really a secret.

I'm going to tell your dad right after dinner. You are?

found system for your anniversary present.

Found system?

Oh, I can't wait to go push all the buttons. Thank you, sweetie.

I knew I married you for a reason.

That was touch and go for a minute. I know. I almost blew it.

But it's all over now.

to tell me about Vince.

Okay, later.

James, here is your hush money.

Pleasure doing business with you. See you at your next girl.

Have I mentioned today how much I love my gift?

And I'm going to love it even more after Vince comes back to install my kitchen

flat screen.

Uh, maybe more Vince is not a good idea. I mean, with his prices, this stuff

could be hot.

Like this.

Shut up!

Do you think he would put speakers in my car? I want to see my window shake.

Knock, knock.

Vince!

I'm Charlie. Great to meet you. I love what you did with my wife.

With the sound system.

And I want more.

A lot more.

Follow me.

Listen, we have the small flat screen in my bedroom, but I like to sleep on my

side.

Time to pay up. I want the whole story of you and Vince. The romance, the

passion, the heartbreak.

Go. Okay, we met at a bar.

We went out for a couple of months, but it didn't work out. Uh -uh. If you don't

want me to tell Dad, you're going to have to do better than that.

Fine.

You got me.

It was summertime in Vienna, Europe.

So romantic.

Yep. I had just gotten a job as a governess for a handsome widower

with seven kids.

You took care of seven kids? Yeah, it was okay. We sang a lot. Oh.

Get to Vin.

Right. He was a bike messenger who showed up every day with a telegram just

see me.

Telegram? That's a long time ago. How old were you?

I was 16 going on 17.

Wait. That's not you. That's the sound of music.

Hey, Dad.

I am so sorry, okay? I can't give you what you want. We went out. We split up.

It wasn't a great romance.

He broke your heart, didn't he?

What? No way. He crushed you. Of course. That explains everything. No, Gabby, he

did not crush me. You poor thing.

I will keep your secret to the grave.

Then, yes, he crushed me.

I am a broken soul.

It's good to get it out, girlfriend.

That's how you heal.

Exactly what you mean. Why can't you get him something simple like a mini horse?

We can all know about a mini horse.

Aaron, sweetie, would another popsicle help?

Popsicles aren't always the answer, Stephanie.

But yes, please.

I know.

I know.

It's gonna be awkward, but I gotta get rid of Vince.

to your father.

It's cool. There's another pair over there.

Oh, okay.

Look, I need to ask you for a huge favor.

What? All this work for nothing isn't enough?

No. That's the favor. Enough.

Finish up and quit.

And if my family calls you again, you're busy.

It is never going to happen between you and me.

Ow!

You and me.

What are you... you talking about i'm married i don't want you i want your

husband i beg your pardon to recommend me to all the other

doctors at the hospital it's a huge new market for me oh so you were just

using me say what miss below cost i'm sorry mrs below cost

whoops okay um how about i Recommend you to

all the doctors, wives, and girlfriends. Same job, but we can put a merciful end

to this.

Bye,

Gabby. It was great meeting you.

Ig.

What? Off to break someone else's heart?

Stephanie wasn't enough?

Huh? Stephanie broke up with me.

No way. She dumped you but married dad?

He's mature.

Responsible. Thoughtful.

Me? I'm just some guy you meet in a club.

I gotta start going to clubs.

Where's my boss going? I'm supposed to clock out. You clocked out when I

your boss out.

Does this mean I have to go back to school because I might have burned a few

bridges?

order for both of us.

You can't read the menu without your reading glasses, can you?

All right.

What's this?

These aren't my glasses.

It must be your gift.

First anniversary is paper.

Charlie, don't play with me.

left on your car when I dinged it.

Dinged?

Dear owner of fancy car, I am

so sorry.

I tried to put the headlight back in.

Please don't report this to my insurance because I don't have any.

Here's my number.

Thanks.

Stephanie Turner.

Honey, this is so romantic.

I can't believe you kept it. Well, first it was evident.

But then I fell in love.

Charlie,

I have something to confess.

I used to go out with Vince.

My Vince?

But it was all over years before I met you, and I only called him because I

he would give me a great discount.

Well, I'm glad you told me.

But it's not really that big a deal.

We both had lives before we got married. Hey, I used to have that wife,

remember?

Sometimes life can be messy.

But I'm confident in the strength of our marriage.

And we should never feel like our future is threatened by our past.

Really?

That is so beautiful.

Happy anniversary, sweetie.

Happy anniversary.

Hey,

you know that steam shower you wanted? I used to go out with this guy who could

really... Absolutely not.

Check this out.

Picture in picture.

In picture.

Wow, I could watch three episodes of Bun...

New guy did a real good job with the system.

Yeah, I'm glad Stephanie finally told you about Vince.

Actually, buddy, I already knew.

Vince told me as soon as we met.

But don't tell Stephanie.

It'll be our little secret.