Original subtitles

Why do we have four cans of New England clam chowder and no Manhattan?

I'm going to die alone and you're worried about suit geography.

Why are you going to die alone this time?

This boy Kevin didn't ask her to the dance because, well, look at her.

You know what? I'm going to channel my anger into my music.

Her music? She's writing songs about teenage heartbreak.

Are they any good?

Depends. Do you like bleeding from the ears?

Just leave all your backpacks in the car. I'm happy to carry them in.

Appreciate it.

That was sarcasm, thank you.

You're welcome.

I carry my own backpack, Stephanie.

You need help there, buddy?

I got it.

I don't got it.

We need smaller backpacks or bigger kids.

Honestly, I don't see how the school expects the kids to carry this many.

Giant rocks.

Careful, that's petrified dirt.

It's worse a lot because it's super old.

Almost as old as Dad.

Hear that, honey? Your husband is older than dirt.

Oh, what's this?

Oh, that's nice. The whole school district's having a canned food drive.

That ended last week.

Did you know about this?

No. I haven't looked in a kid's backpack since Aaron found half a dead pigeon.

None of the kids mention this. There are needy families all over the city, and

our kids don't seem to care.

I don't understand how they could be so oblivious to the hungry.

Lima beans?

Ugh!

Kid, you know it's important to help people, yet every one of you ignored the

canned food drive.

I would have done it, but I didn't think we had any canned.

Are you kidding? Everything I make is from a can.

Then what are you doing to it?

Hey, I help people.

Kevin didn't ask me to the dance, so I'm turning my pain into music so that

other girls will know they're not alone.

So you're like the Pied Piper of ugly girls.

If you don't know any instruments, I taught myself guitar. One chord.

Over and over.

It just so happens that all my sorrow occurs in B -flat.

Like B, only fatter.

Okay, honey, what do you do to give back?

Sometimes I leave a penny.

Wow. Okay, how about you? What do you do?

I ask that homicide you want to live with us.

I want everyone in this house to do something to help the world right now.

Okay. What are you going to do? As a matter of fact, I was talking to your

father just last night about giving back.

Uh, you mean about the dress that you said makes your butt look big and you're

taking it back to the store?

No, honey, I'm talking about charity.

Ugh.

Any subject but charity.

Beverly won't shut up because she can't find someone to run the silent auction

for the pediatric wing.

Until now, I am all over that silent pediatric auction thing.

With Beverly?

Yeah, with Beverly.

Wait, Beverly?

Dad's boss? Who came to dinner and called you a child bride?

And then made Dad start parking with the patient?

You run the auction?

Please, I know I can do this. This is a high -end event, not the junior high

bake sale where Charles found you.

Look, we both care about the hospital, so why don't we skip the jokes about my

youth and your proximity to death?

Besides, I hear you're having trouble finding someone to, you know, work with

you.

Well, all of my friends, you know, have actual jobs.

I am in a bind.

I guess I'll let you run it. I'll just lower my expectations.

You do that.

Wait, what?

I am the only one who's any good at this.

The one time I ran the auction myself, I set a record that still stands.

Oh, well, you'll be surprised.

I hate to brag, but you're talking to the girl who once sold $816 worth of

cookies. I raised $99 ,000.

That's a lot of cocoa butternut bowl.

I just scored the best donation for the auction.

The royal suite on a month -long dream cruise through the Caribbean.

Are there going to be skeleton pirates?

No, but it comes with a butler. Is there a skeleton butler?

No. You're losing me, Steph.

You guys don't understand.

This company never donates anything.

And lucky for me, a girl I stopped talking to in college's brother is the

president. So I had to do this whole apology call about something I never

did. I am going to raise a ton of money for that pediatric wing.

Correction, we're going to raise a ton of money.

How are we going to do that?

Yeah, we're just kids. What can we do?

Well, it's just like what it says on your dad's mug.

Cardiologist, do it with her.

No. Give me coffee and no one gets hurt?

No. Potango Resort and Casino?

No. One person can make a difference, and everyone should try.

Is it the I Hate Mondays mug?

No, I just told you what mug.

Oh, I like that mug.

The point is, each of you is going to find something or make something to sell

at the auction. We are going to be helping kids who really need it. Plus,

happen to break Beverly's record, every dollar more would be like a dagger in

her neck.

Ooh, who's my baby stabbing?

The woman who came over here for dinner and called your chicken dry?

Thicker.

signed copy of my first album.

Spirit, wait.

Why does the boy on the cover have no eyes? It's a metaphor for after I tear

eyes out.

Did you really write all of these songs?

I thought Kevin liked me. I unfriended Kevin.

The boy who ain't all that, parenthesis, Kevin.

36 songs about Kevin.

He wishes they were about him.

Oh, Eddie.

I did a painting of the Philadelphia skyline. And look, it's already pre

-wrapped for the trash.

I can't wait to see it.

Hey, Aaron. You're selling Leonardo?

Are you crazy?

Aaron's a little afraid to walk into a room full of doctors. He thinks he's

going to get a shot.

Well, what are you and Leonardo selling?

Nothing. We like our stuff.

Gabby, go take Aaron upstairs and make sure he picks something out.

Wow, this cruise looks amazing.

We should sell a kid and bid on it.

Uh -oh.

What?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Honey, this cruise left today.

I said I needed the tickets by today.

Do you know what this means?

There is a huge donated suite floating through the Atlantic with nobody in it.

At least that butler's having a good time.

General's annual pediatric fundraiser, the proceeds of which go towards new

equipment like you see here.

Before we start, I should recognize Stephanie Phillips, who, well.

And now to start off the auction, please welcome one of our brave young

patients, Rodney Dugan.

Stephanie, you know, I thought you had a chance to beat my record, but I guess

that ship has sailed.

Mom, do you remember when I said I wanted to beat Beverly?

Things just got little.

Well, hold off on the assault and battery, because Mr. Silk's suit just

your first bid.

Mom, he just opened at $500 on a $200 lamp. Do you know what we need to do?

Get you a new daddy?

No, get him looking at lots of stuff and opening his wallet.

Piece of cake.

Maggie Turner can get a man to open anything from a car door to a safety

box.

There's nothing a boy can give me that I can't get from pie.

Oh, honey, look at them. They don't want to hear music about Kevin. They'd

rather hear music that speaks to them.

They'd rather hear music that's music and not be driven away from my art.

James, what happened to your painting?

The paint was still wet and the garbage bag stuck to it. Okay, when did you

paint it? This morning. You waited until this morning? What were you thinking?

That paint dries faster than it does.

All right, just tell people it's mixed media and call it Bagadelphia.

Hey, Erin, what did you bring to sell?

My earrings and my tutu. Those are your sister's. Want to make a bid?

Hey, old man in expensive pants, who didn't you ask your high school dad?

Don't lie, old man, don't lie.

Gabby! What?

You said speak to him.

Two hours remaining in the auction.

And so far, you've only raised $9 ,000.

Should I break that down into cookies for you?

Not necessary.

Hey, everybody. We have a lot of other wonderful items available.

So, bye, bye, bye.

Which is what they were saying when that cruise left.

I told you this was going to be a disaster.

It is not a disaster.

You've already raised $9 ,000.

Yeah, and Beverly's laughing at it. You know what? I'm going to go over there

and hustle until I crush Beverly's record. She's going down.

That's what tonight's about. That and teaching our kids about charity.

Who? Oh, yeah, yeah, them.

Hard sell, Charlie.

Hey, unibrow, don't you walk past that home waxing kit.

Hey, Charlie, I'm in trouble here. I only have an hour to go, and I'm less

halfway to the record.

Uh -huh.

I'll see your $300 and raise you $50.

You bid $350 on a lunchbox? No, no, no, no.

Not a lunchbox.

The exact same lunchbox I had as a kid.

It's from emergency.

This show is the reason I became a doctor.

That's great, Charlie, but if you don't get out there on that floor and help me,

that show will be the reason you become single.

Well, he's a Capricorn.

And he has a house in Aspen.

And if all goes well, I, too, will have a house in

Aspen. That's great, Mom, but are you getting him to bid on stuff? The clock's

ticking. Honey, don't I know it. I won't look like this forever.

I can't imagine the freedom you feel trapped in this little hole.

It's way better than a canoe.

Unless you like canoes, we have two.

I'm interested.

Do you come with it?

Dr. Langworthy, your wife is looking for you.

Five minutes to go.

No matter how hard you paddle, you're not going to catch up to that cruise.

Thanks. Yeah, I didn't think so.

James, what are you doing?

Selling Bagadelphia for a bag of cash.

No, I mean, why are you sitting in a wheelchair?

Because I got tired.

Well, they're all bidding because they think you're a thick kid.

Oh, that scam did not even occur to me.

I'm a little disappointed in myself.

Yeah, I'm going to get up.

No, no, no, no, no, no. You can't get up now. It would look even worse. So what

do we do?

I'll just wheel you discreetly out to the car as fast as I can.

Good. Because some idiot guy bit on Gabby PD, and now she's flirting with

B -flat.

It's like B, only more flat.

Just when I thought I had no more smiles, along came a brown...

is closing in two minutes.

Two minutes.

I wouldn't bid on that lunchbox.

I hear there's been a tuna sandwich in it since 1973.

Really?

It's a bad scene in there.

Sucker.

Hey, Charlie, have you seen Aaron?

What's with the ninja turtle?

Doctors freak me out. Leonardo makes me less scared.

Want to buy a tutu?

Not really.

You want to donate a kidney?

I'm good.

James!

James! Oh, James, where are you going?

Wait, why is the money coming in so fast?

i rolled away i might have said i didn't have a lot of time then someone started

crying and they all started bidding 20 seconds remaining oh i have got

to stop this okay but you're 500 away from the record 15 seconds

oh this is so wrong what am i doing

I just bid $22 ,000 on your painting, and you can do that.

It's amazing how money can help the children.

I'm not going to reward this kind of behavior.

I retract my bid.

I have half a mind not to go to Aspen. I didn't invite you, and it's not Aspen.

It's Akron.

Akron? I got a full mind. I ain't going there.

not helping.

Look, I am so sorry.

So this auction isn't perfect.

So what if the romantic dinner is only available weekdays before six and the

espresso machine only works in Italy?

What? I want my money back too.

Wait, guys, guys, guys, you're missing the point.

All of this stuff is just an excuse to donate money to the hospital. Is anyone

going to remember whether the kayak... Never mind.

The important thing is the difference it'll make in the life of a child who

a new to be breathy thing.

Respirator. Respirator.

You're right.

This is about the kids. My bid stays.

In fact, I'll throw in another 10 grand worth of those to be breathy things.

Well, looks like we have a new number.

We have a new record.

See what happens when we set aside our differences and work together?

Now I gotta get out of here before someone figures out what's missing from

skydiving package.

You raised $111 ,000 for those children.

It's funny, you don't look $111 ,000 happy.

You know what's bothering me?

If I hadn't beaten that record, I would have felt like a failure.

I made it about ego, Charlie, not about charity.

What kind of message does that send to our kids?

Sometimes we do the right thing for the wrong reasons.

But the good news is, they don't pay attention to us anyway.

Good night, guys.

Hold up.

What's with the flashlight?

I can't be in a dark without Leonardo.

Leonardo? Did you lose him tonight?

Nope. I gave it to Rondi.

The little boy who rang the bell?

He's scared about his surgery.

Leonardo makes you less scared.

So I thought you should have him in the operating room.

Oh, sweetie, that's beautiful.

It was your idea.

You said one person can make a difference.

I did say that.

Well, me and the mug.

Yeah.

And then you said we can have cake for breakfast.

I'm sure I didn't say that.

Yes, I did. Good night.

See, honey?

Kids did learn something.

I didn't do any of my homework for tomorrow.

Do you pity me more with one crutch or two?

Oh, look at you.

You know, you don't have to use your little elementary school lunchbox just

because it costs $600.

I love my lunchbox.

Emergency, baby.

You can just picture 10 -year -old Charlie Phillips eating a bologna

looking at the doctors from emergency and thinking, when I grow up, I can't

to help those in need.

No, no. That's not why I wanted to be a doctor.

It was Nurse Dixie.

She was hot.

Are you serious? You wasted $600 just to ogle a sermon?

I would have paid twice as much.

You don't just trip over a childhood treasure like this every day.

Look what I got.

Where'd you get that?

I liked yours, so I went to oldpeoplelunchboxes .com.

Sent me back five bucks, but check out the nurse on the thermos.