Original subtitles

Spike is in the... James, why are you vacuuming your brother?

He's itchy.

I'm itchy.

Grandma Maggie gave us haircut.

In charge to clean up with this.

James, remember, vacuum, rotate, vacuum.

Listen, boys, if you're itchy, go take a shower.

Mom, what are you doing? You can't just cut their hair without asking me. Well,

you're probably not going to like it when I start taking that kid to the

orthodontist.

Mom, that's for me to do, and I'm on top of it. Which kid needs to go?

You see, that's the problem.

If you want to be a mother, you've got to learn how to juggle. Keep all of

balls in the air.

I keep everyone fed, clean, and dressed.

educated, and alive.

Those are the little practice balls.

Want to be a mother? Got to learn how to juggle with scarves, knives, flaming

hoops.

So now, I'm going to save your hide and go and get the Halloween candy.

It's Halloween?

No, but a real juggler would know that.

Do you want some mac and cheese?

Heads up, Aaron added marshmallows.

Gotta say, though, I did not throw up.

As good as you make that sound, I ate before yoga.

Wait, you did yoga? You bent?

Yeah, they offered it at the hospital to relieve stress.

Keeps us doctors from trading prescriptions like baseball cards.

Oh, honey, don't... Don't be stressed.

You know you're going to get that department head job. Oh, it's taking

forever to make up her mind.

All she'll say is it's between me and that brown -noser Spellman.

Well, that and I'll tell you when I'm ready. Stop paging me.

I thought you were her favorite. I was.

Until Spellman started sending her muffin basket.

Muffins are so desperate.

Let's take it to Vegas.

Vegas? I was thinking dinner. Dinners are pathetic.

She'll be here tomorrow at 8.

Dinner tomorrow?

It was an accident. I ran into her on the elevator, and she was eating this

muffin, and the rest was a blur.

But don't worry. I already called a caterer who'll take care of everything.

I couldn't ask you to do all that.

Cook, clean up, take care of the kids.

It's a lot to juggle.

Juggle? You don't think I can juggle? I know for a fact you can't juggle.

I tried to teach you with those nectarines once, and you yelled at me.

Why are you talking about juggling when I'm talking about juggling?

I am going to do it all.

I am going to cook you that dinner and get you that job. In fact, I'll get you

Beverly's job. Who's Beverly's boss? Because I'll get you that job, too.

Breathe in harmony, breathe out impending disaster. Breathe in

Give it back. I did a lot of things, being specific.

Was it your diary?

No. Piggy bank? No.

Cell phone? No.

Cell phone charger?

You took my cell phone charger? I had to buy another one. With what? I took your

piggy bank.

I'm talking about all my frazzle. I had a four -pack.

Ooh.

That's what I'm supposed to have, those sugary energy drinks. That's why I got

sugar -free.

The sugar's not what makes you run around like a squirrel drinking coffee.

Remember when I gave this girl all that coffee?

Best wedding ever.

Give me back my frazzle or I'm telling Dad you've been stealing my stuff.

You can't prove that. Please. You've been doing it for years just to drive me

crazy. No, I've been slowly moving your bed to the left to drive you crazy.

That was you? That's been driving me crazy.

My doll, my sunglasses, my Girl Scout badges. You've got it all. in your

hiding place. What secret hiding place? The one in the garage.

Ha! Not in the garage.

One room down, five to go.

Okay, listen up.

Stephanie gave me the rundown for tonight.

Here we go.

Seven o 'clock. Beverly arrives. Children say hello.

7 .05. Beverly says the children have gotten more adorable, if that's even

possible. Laugh, laugh, laugh.

7 .07. Children march back upstairs and do not disturb the adults during dinner.

After you read this, give the children each $10.

If she expects us to do this for less than $20, she does not know me.

James will demand $20, but he will take $10.

Okay, the kids have been briefed and bribed.

What is all this?

Squab in a balsamic reduction, braised leek in a fennel bechamel.

I'm also aerating an incredibly rare Pinot Noir. How rare? Is a kid not going

college?

What was that?

Oh, this is my new cooking app. Remember I wrote about it on my food blog? Oh,

yeah, I read that.

Backup dinner.

Or, as it will soon be known, the actual dinner.

You brought another dinner?

Mom, I cannot believe you.

Well, Charlie... Also cannot believe you.

What would make you think that Stephanie couldn't cook this dinner?

It's not like somebody called you, because nobody called you, Maggie. I

in my wife.

Oh, thank... sweetie. It's nice to know somebody in my family has faith in me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to arrange a pavé floor arrangement of

blossoms, fruit, mosses, and stones.

Who's juggling now?

You tell her, sweetie. This is your house.

Okay, here's the 60 I owe you for the food.

Plus another 20 for not ratting me out.

And another 20 because you're scaring me.

Are you sure you don't want me to just stick this in the fridge?

Well, she said she's on top of it. Well, just remember, last week when she was

seasoning the chicken, she asked me if Epsom salt was close enough.

Oh, hello,

handsome.

They won't notice if I take a little sip.

Say when.

Sure we need to add a leaf to this? There are only three of us.

Honey, the squab needs room to breathe.

You do know you're supposed to kill the squab before you serve it.

Shut up and pull.

Okay, problem.

But I can fix it.

I know you can.

We've got this entire night under control. That's why I'm not freaking

pressuring me. Can't you see Charlie broke the freaking table?

Ooh.

That they'll notice.

Cooking's scary.

Red is red.

Years ago. It was a power play.

Just dump everything in this drawer under the oven.

Salt your squab.

Who are you?

I think it came from Stephanie's phone.

What should we do?

Salt your squab.

Obviously. Salt our squab.

What is squab? I don't know, but it sounds nasty.

This looks nasty.

Must be squab.

Table pick.

How much time we got?

Ooh, pate.

Charlie, Beverly would be here any minute.

Oh, just one.

It's very flavorful.

Like the Atlantic.

What are you talking about?

Oh, God.

Oh, honey.

That's horrible.

Now we don't have an appetizer. What are we going to do? If I were you, I'd go

check the entree. The entree's fine.

I'm going to go check the entree.

Whoa.

Hey, Jane.

Charles, lovely to see you. Always a pleasure.

Oh, this is a beautiful home.

Maybe you don't need that promotion. Looks like we're paying you too much

already.

No, you're not. My middle kid has no shoes.

No shoes.

Oh, but a very stylish nanny.

I love your earrings.

Thank you, but I'm not the nanny. I'm Stephanie.

Oh, Charles.

When you said you had a new wife, you didn't say she was fresh out of the box.

She's adorable.

Where are your other children?

Oh, um, they're... Wait, what?

I haven't seen them since the divorce.

Oh, such a tragedy.

I know mine was eviscerating.

Oh, I can't wait to see the children. I remember your first wife was raising

them so well.

Oh, well, my second wife is doing pretty nicely herself.

You'll see for yourself.

When they join us for dinner.

Yeah. Wait, what?

Charlie, can you help me in the kitchen?

Excuse me.

Charlie, what are you thinking, including the kids at dinner? I'm

going to prove you're a great mother. We don't have enough food for six people.

Well, the kids don't eat that much, and squab is like a turkey, right?

No, it's a pigeon, a tiny pigeon.

And I don't see why I have to prove any... to that woman. What is her

anyway? Oh, who knows?

She's always been a little difficult.

Believe me, no one was surprised when her husband left her for a younger

Okay,

we may have a problem here.

How could you not tell me that?

I didn't think it was important. That's not what happened with us. Well, good

thing we expanded the table so there'd be extra room for her baggage.

You know what?

No promotion is worth this. I'll just go out there and tell her if she can't

speak to you respectfully, then she needs to leave. No, no, no. I can handle

anything for one night. Good, because I really want that promotion.

I'm going to find my frazzle. I told you I didn't take it.

Then how do you explain this?

And you already drank one.

If you didn't drink it and I didn't drink it, who drank it?

I bet it was Dad.

Not gonna panic.

Just another ball in the air.

Everybody, put on your church clothes.

You're having dinner with us.

Are you gonna tell Dad about this? Not if you handle that.

I can't feel my legs!

All right.

Here is the radicchio. And I hate to brag, but it is ridiculously good.

is the best medicine.

Unless you're dying.

Okay.

Who needs some wine? I know I do. Oh, me too. And some peanut butter and chili

and a hot dog and shingles.

Beverly, can I pour you a glass?

Yes, but I have to warn you, I am a bit of a wine snob.

Well, then you'll love this. It is a very rare Pinot Noir.

How does it taste, Beverly?

But you were making moonshine in your dorm room.

Mmm.

Wow.

That is not good.

I don't know what happened. Perhaps you left it in the sun during cheerleading

practice.

Okay, Beverly.

I was going to let dorm room go because I was kind of flattered, but... Is that

the kitchen timer?

Charlie, a little help?

Gabby, James, hold down the fort. He's the fort.

Charlie, I know you want to stick up for me, but eyes on the prize. You just

have to suck it up for one night. It stinks.

I know, but we're talking a couple of hours versus your future.

No, seriously, something stinks.

My pigeons!

Yes, James, may I see you? I smell smoke.

Why am I not surprised?

acting like that crazy squirrel at our wedding?

Gabby gave him frazzle. I didn't give it to him. He stole it. You're not allowed

to have frazzle. You're grounded.

That's some good parenting, Dad.

You're grounded, too. For what? For stealing and melting my stuff.

And for ruining my squab.

Oh, that squab. I would not have guessed that.

Is everybody okay?

I saw smoke, and not because I was looking through your window.

out there waiting for me to fail, but I didn't fail.

I was juggling just fine until you all came in throwing chainsaws.

I don't want to play with chainsaws.

Here, here.

Hey, I'm going to go play chainsaw with that lady!

Can't handle that.

We're going to need dinner.

Let's see. I've got hot sauce, tuna, and peanut butter.

What can I make with that?

Spicy nutfish?

Or chicken marsala.

How can you make chicken marsala with hot sauce tuna and peanut butter?

Throw it all away and go get the chicken marsala I made out in the car.

I hope everyone saves room for creme brulee.

Creme brulee.

Not bad.

Chicken was edible, too. Maybe a bit dry.

What?

What was that?

We have a bird.

We keep leaving the cage open, but she won't fly away.

Oh, no, no, no, sweetie.

You break the shell with the back of your spoon.

Whoa! A dessert and a game!

Let me help you with that, buddy. Here, play with your napkin.

I'm a helicopter!

Whoa!

Oh, mine's burnt.

It's supposed to be that way. You know what? Yours does look a little burnt.

me put it out for you.

If I weren't things, I would starve.

You'll be a cream thing.

I'm so sorry.

Look what you've done.

This cheap swill is never going to come out.

Here, let me get you some water for that.

Hey, I got water.

That's it, Charles.

I'm not going to stay here another minute with your teen bride and these

monsters you call children. I'm sorry.

Bitter Lady in the tacky dress said what?

Listen up, Dr.

Missy. All you've done since you've got here is take shots of me and wear the

wrong color lipstick.

You want to go after me because your husband left you for a younger woman?

But go after my children. I will have to shut you down.

These are great kids. No matter who is setting fires or getting frazzled. And

this family might look like chaos to you, but it is solid.

Trust me.

You okay?

I'm sorry, Charlie.

I couldn't hold it in anymore.

And now you'll never be the head of the department.

Probably not.

So why are you smiling like that?

Because you call them your children.

So?

So. I've never heard you say that before.

That's what makes a mother.

That's not what my mother says.

She says it's about being able to juggle a million balls.

Nah, it's knowing when the million balls drop, which three to catch.

That said, next time Beverly comes for dinner, we're catering.

Good. I'll let your third wife know.

Aaron finally ran out of gas. Yeah, putting him on the treadmill was a good

idea. I did feel bad about the way he flew off at the end.

Don't think he was wearing a helmet.

Gabby, I hope you learned your lesson about frazzle. You kidding? I'm never

buying you an energy drink again.

Good. Then go get me the other three cans.

I don't have them.

James? Don't look at me.

Well, if you don't have them and you don't have them and he didn't drink

where'd they all go?

Let's get this dining room all cleaned up. I've washed the dishes, polished the

sofa, painted half the den.

Who's up for Zumba?