Original subtitles

Okay, ready? Watch and learn.

There's an alien on the couch!

Nice one. Okay, now check this out.

Your face is like a butt.

Good one. My turn.

Grandma Maggie's behind you.

Best one yet.

No, she's really behind you.

Are you two completely out? of your minds. Mom, let me handle this my way.

you two completely out of your minds?

We're allowed to have water in the living room? Yes, but once it's fit in

mouth, it's spit.

Why don't you explain it upside their heads?

No, Mom, we don't do that.

So what, you're just going to let them get away with it?

Of course not.

Boys, go grab some paper towels and clean this up. And then we are going to

consequences.

Consequences?

It's like punishment.

Yeah, in that they're both words.

You know, Mom, my first instinct was exactly like yours.

Well, then why didn't you go with it? Because my first instinct was exactly

yours.

I'll figure it out.

Okay.

Fine. But if you ever want my thoughts on the subject, just know that they are

always available to you.

Upside your head.

If they were making a mess, maybe doing some extra cleanup around the house

would be poetic justice.

What do you think?

I think you've been really amazing lately.

Just lately?

Extra amazing.

You know, way above your usual level of amazingfulness.

How did this go south so quick?

I know when we got married, having the kids full time wasn't in the plan, but

you just keep getting better at it. I've been crowdsourcing.

My food blog is doing so well that I started another blog on parenting.

It's called How Not to Be an Evil Stepmother. I get advice from parents

around the world.

Whatever happened to reading a book?

That's so 20th century.

It was a perfectly good century.

That's what I love about you. You give me the wisdom of the aged.

Okay. Ouch.

Honey, this is really helping me. Like last week, I wasn't sure how I should

talk to Gabby about shaving her legs.

And it was time.

But I got some great advice on my blog, and the talk went perfectly.

Yeah, except for the part where you splashed a teenage girl's hygiene issues

over the Internet.

Do I look crazy?

This blog is completely anonymous.

Oh.

Hey, you, uh...

Ever write anything about me on that blog?

Only when you do something fantastic.

Well,

I was on my feet all day in surgery, so you'll have to make something up.

Hey, Steph.

You busy?

Hey. Oh, that is such a cute top. Okay, so when are we getting it?

We?

I was going to let you wear it first.

Can I choose the color too?

Hey, so there's this formal mother -daughter tea for my school's honor

next week.

And, you know, I thought my mom would be back from taking care of my Nana, but

she's not.

So...

You're

asking me, right? Not just trying to make me feel sorry for you.

Thinking it could be our first kind of sort of official mom event?

Well, that is so kind of sort of significant.

I know.

I'll tell you what. Since this is formal, let's go through the formality

going through your closet before we go shopping. Oh, okay. You know what? I

of have a better idea. Why don't we go through your closet first? Why?

It's all in your closet.

What are you doing?

Stephanie's laptop has no parental control.

I can play video games at a rated teen.

Wait a minute. There's a folder here labeled evil.

Got to open that.

How not to be an evil stepmother.

Oh, man, this is good. She's, like, asking for advice on punishments and

How is that good?

We could tell her what to do.

Watch.

Dear evil stepmom, boy... this age respond better to reward than

Ice cream sundaes are a good reward.

That can be another parent chiming in.

Yes, reward them for not bidding water by giving them ice cream sundaes.

Punishment can turn them into criminals.

Dangerous words.

Okay.

So this is going to be a traditional high tea.

Refined, elegant.

I don't need to wear a bra with this, do I?

Why does your tea thingy have to be on Martini Monday?

I need to be there for Gabby.

Just drink an extra one for me. An extra one?

You're adorable.

I'm psyched. Sharing an event like this is the best way to bond.

Another parenting fact from your stepmom blog?

Hey, I've got... 16 new followers in the last two days. Oh, yeah, you are really

blowing up.

Listen, when all of these parents are saying the same thing, you have to take

that seriously.

Did you know that having the newest sneakers keeps boys from being bullied?

Even for boys, it's all about the shoes.

How do I look? Pretty or prissy?

How about stunning?

I know!

Man, I just wanted to hear somebody else say it.

We're going to be the coolest mother and daughter at the Honor Society Tea.

Did you hear that?

Coolest mother.

That's why I'm skipping Martini Monday.

Did you hear that? The Honor Society Tea.

That's why you're going to need Tequila Tuesday.

We need to talk about your alliterative alcoholism.

Be careful. The floor is hot lava.

I thought it was vomit.

Lava's like very hot vomit.

This can only be okay if we bought an alligator.

Can we buy an alligator?

Your sister's allergic.

We're trying to not touch the floor.

Yeah, I work very hard to provide those floors. Get down.

Couch climbing is highly recommended by my readers. They say it's a good way to

burn off energy.

Can we have a word in private before my head explodes?

Here, boy, sit down and watch TV and hear your ice cream coming.

Watch TV with ice cream. Why not go all the way and let them quit school?

Oh, wait, we almost forgot. On three.

One, two, three. Three.

Thank you for the ice cream, Stephanie.

It's working, Charlie. Do you hear that?

Thank you?

Well, so what? They're supposed to say that when you give them broccoli.

But it came from them, spontaneously from their heart.

Okay, let's see what else she likes.

Just when I think I need to be stricter with the boys, one of them will give me

a little smile or a quick hug that just melts my soul.

On it.

Why can't... stuck in some outmoded parenting rut just because it's

If by traditional you mean not giving our kids diabetes.

But for now,

I guess ice cream sundaes it is.

That's because she shaved it off.

Did you guys go through my stuff again? You little rats need to stay out of my

room. Later, Chewbacca.

Hi, I was wondering if you had a game in stock called Doom Explosion.

Yeah, I'll hold.

You know, I wish my parents had gotten divorced before those two little

were born. You know, why can't you and Dad just have two more boys who could

grow up and beat the snot?

Out of those two.

Oh, well, we'll work on it tonight.

Yeah, yeah, I'm still here. You got it?

Uh -huh. Hi, hi, hi.

And it's the video game where each character explodes in a different way.

Can you put that on hold for me?

Thanks.

So what consequences are you buying them now?

I know a lot of what I am doing is unorthodox.

Is that the new word for stupid?

Yeah, maybe.

But I just don't know.

I mean, I've got 38 out of 50 parents telling me that doom explosion helps

improve a boy's IQ.

Honey, those could all be people who get frisked before they visit their kid.

The truth is, this might be crowdsource wisdom, but it just doesn't feel right.

Do you know what I really admire about you?

You can say crowdsourced wisdom with a straight face.

Honey, there's only one source for real wisdom.

Your mama.

Come on.

Children are like coal.

You want to turn them into diamonds? You got to put them under a lot of pressure

for a long time.

Then you got to start chipping away at them. Yep, chip, chip, chipping away.

Now, is that fun?

For the diamond. Not so much. But it's all on you. Because you do not want the

village chipping away at your child. That just makes for some lopsided

It takes one highly focused woman sacrificing

the best years of her life without complaint.

Because she knows that her children will carry on.

wisdom unchanged from generation to generation.

Mom, I want to thank you.

About time.

I was sort of wavering, but now I am certain I need to get all of my

advice from the internet.

Clearly, I'm not done chipping yet.

We have to put the laptop back. Type faster.

Hey, it's not easy being 38 different parents.

Why not? They all say the same thing.

You try saying the same thing 38 different ways.

Okay. One, we're going to get caught.

Two, they're going to catch us.

Three, getting caught is going to happen.

To us.

Four.

This time, you're going to be dead permanently.

Uh, sorry.

What?

locker because you told your friend and he told his brother from remedial

English and now there's all these jokes about me in the bathroom misspelled.

You're right.

I'm very sorry.

Fine.

Wait. Those are five words I've never heard you say. What's going on here?

Nothing. What are you hiding out the way?

Is that Stephanie's computer?

We can make you a full partner. It comes with ice cream.

to be an evil... Oh, wow.

Stephanie told the entire internet about my hairy leg.

You know what? I'm going to have a talk with my evil stepmom. Debbie, wait.

Hear me out.

That laptop is the goose that lays the golden egg.

Extra TV egg.

Day up late egg.

Ice cream egg.

So how do you want your egg?

Smashed.

That's not a way.

where it wants to be and Prithee where it needs to be.

Nicely played.

Hi, hi.

Hi.

What are you all dressed up for?

I'm taking Gabby to the tea.

Our tea?

I don't understand.

Gabby? Gabby told me that you had a job interview.

I should have been suspicious.

What's going on?

I'm going with Grandma Maggie instead.

What?

Gabby, I really wanted to share this with you. Yeah? Well, you're very good

sharing, aren't you?

If you have something you want to say to me, you should just say it. Really?

Well, I think if I had something personal to say about people in my

would just write it on my blog.

Come on, Grandma Maggie.

We're going to be late.

If it's of any consolation, ain't nobody calling you Grandma.

I don't understand.

She read your blog. I got that. I don't understand how.

Maybe because it was, I don't know, on the Internet?

Honey, it's anonymous. My name isn't on it. Her name isn't on it. I was so

careful. The only way anyone could know is... Is that ice cream?

No. It's evidence.

The boys.

In the parlor. With mint chocolate chip.

parents who all think doom explosion is educational.

Well, they schooled me, I'll school them.

I'm telling you, the internet is not a safe place for grown -ups to go by

themselves.

I'm hungry for a snack. I'm tired of ice cream sundaes.

Maybe you should ask for steak. I've been hearing good things about lobster.

One of my fake names just got an email.

So what? He doesn't exist.

But the Federal Internet Agency thinks he does.

Who's that?

I don't know, but they're mad at us.

Oh, no. We're in a pantload of trouble.

Boys, there are two men downstairs from the Federal Internet Agency.

What? Yeah, they want to talk to you. Can you tell them I'm not here? It's too

late. They saw you come in.

Boys. Are you aware that creating emails under a false name is a federal crime

punishable by up to 15 years in a maximum security prison?

We are now.

What are they going to do to us? They're talking about throwing the book at you.

How big is this book?

She means we're going to go to the big house.

How big is this house?

You're going to jail.

Is there anything you'd like to tell me?

I'm sure you boys thought this was funny.

But you need to understand that what you do on the internet has consequences in

real life.

Do you think the agents will go easy on us because we're just stupid kids?

We'll see.

Maybe I can talk them into some kind of house arrest.

Thanks, Stephanie.

I just want to go work something out. I can't do hard times.

Me neither.

I got school.

How was your tea?

Why? Do you want to blog about it?

Gabby, I can't tell you how bad I feel about this.

Try. I truly thought the blog would be anonymous.

Even if it was, I don't like the idea of you writing about me at all. I wasn't

writing about you. I was writing about me.

That's funny. I didn't see your name come up on the bathroom wall.

You know, you'd think that idiot could spell Gabby right.

Look, honey, I was trying to get help from other parents to be a better

Yeah, but it involved me.

And you shouldn't talk about people behind their backs.

So when you're with your friends, you never talk about me?

Well, yeah.

Okay, fair enough.

You know your Grandma Maggie?

In between all the...

Every now and then, she gets it right.

She used to tell me, when you want to say something behind somebody's back,

think about how it would feel to say it to their face.

That's good advice.

But you should hear some of the things that she says about you.

I do.

She says them to my face.

I'll tell you what.

I'll keep writing my stepmom blog, only I'm going to own it with my name.

That'll make me a lot more careful about what I put out there.

I can live with that.

Oh, there's going to be consequences for the boys, right? No, they're getting

punished.

Upside the head?

Upside the head.

I'm tired.

I want to stop.

We can't until they tell us. This is the deal, Stephanie Guy.

This... Or 15 years in federal prison.

Man, it could have been so much worse.

Good thing we have Stephanie.

Yeah. She really looks out for us.

Did you put the boys to bed?

No. I thought you were going to do it.

You think they're still cleaning?

Why don't you go downstairs and check?

But I just got warm.

Besides, these consequences are your idea.

I got cream on my feet.

What do you want to do?

Well, tomorrow is Saturday.

Good night.

Good night.