Original subtitles

It's my birthday. It's my birthday.

Yes. Oh, and there's going to be a little bit more jiggle in my wiggle

of those birthday pancakes.

And they were delicious, even if I did have to make them myself.

In our defense, we woke up and you were already here cooking.

In my defense, I was hungry.

Besides, who sleeps late when you have guests in the house?

Guests don't usually break in.

Why don't we open these presents and get you on your way? Mine first.

Ooh, yes.

And it is a rock.

It's not a rock.

It is a doorstop. A paperweight.

Weapon. Come on, give me something.

It's a turtle for your turtle collection.

I don't collect turtles.

Until today.

And this is the first one, and very special.

I gave you a turtle for Christmas, remember?

The red rock?

Well, I'm going to put this one next to that one, which I most definitely did

not throw in the garbage.

My turn.

I saw it on TV. It's a special necklace for when you fall down.

These are on you.

Don't get it twisted, little boy.

I'm not much older than your daddy.

And your birthday's coming up.

Bam! Gift idea.

Bam! Keep thinking.

I got you something you'll like. Oh, a gift certificate for a mani

-pedi. Oh, I couldn't afford your usual place. This one's just as good.

But go early in the day, that's when they change the water in the book. And

but not least, something for me and Charlie. Yes, I know what it is. It is

Nikimoto pearl necklace that I have been drooling over.

Or something I don't want.

Maggie, you'll love it. You can read books, play games, download apps for

different interests. My interest is pearl.

What's the things you can do at your own house?

That's right. It's kind of a present for everybody.

I will break that finger.

We're going to go watch the fixers whoop the neck.

Why are you wearing two jackets?

Watch this.

James, it's going to rain later. You'll need a jacket.

I'm good. That's why.

Oh, sweetheart.

You have not been married long enough to let it all hang out that hard.

Aaron's school is doing beautification day, and we're picking up trash along

roadside. Well, you do know it's going to rain later, so I guess it's okay that

you haven't done anything with your... anything.

Oh, hush. I'm doing the mom thing, and I am kicking butt.

So far this week, I've hit two soccer games, had a teacher's conference,

an all -nighter making costumes, clocked 300 miles running carpool, and today

I'm volunteering to pick up trash and roadkill. After a week like that, I'd

like roadkill.

Well, you're not me.

But I wish you were.

I'm exhausted.

I had no idea what I was signing up for.

You didn't see them children at the wedding.

I'm going to go wait for the van. We get to touch dad's stuff.

With gloves.

Every week's been crazy like this. I can't even get a manicure. Look at these

raggedy claws.

Oh, I can't believe they're related to me.

Honey.

Blow off the garbage party and go take care of yourself.

There's a van full of moms picking us up in ten minutes.

Anyway, I can't tell Aaron I'd rather do my nails than clean up the planet.

So lie.

You don't lie to kids. Of course you do. I lied to you all the time.

Do you really think they tore down the zoo when you were seven?

What? You drove me there, I thought, with my own eyes.

That was a construction site.

I got this. before the workers arrived, threw a little hay around.

But, Mom, I loved the zoo. I was always begging to go. And then you stopped.

Brilliant. I even took up a collection for those homeless animals.

Well, if you miss the zoo so much, take your own three children there. Mm -hmm.

Walk around in the hot sun all day to not see the lion, because he's sleeping

behind a rock. Then drop $50 on a hot dog lunch and bang! Breathe in the

shrieking of other people's children.

Why are you here again?

I forgot my password.

Okay, what were you doing when you set it up?

Merlot.

What do you know?

We could have figured that out with a phone call.

Roadkill. Cool.

Uh, except I, um, I locked my key, uh, to the house. I

can't lock the door.

I sure wouldn't want anything to get stolen, like our furniture.

Or your popsicles.

You stay here and guard the freezer. Bye.

I can't believe I just lied to a child.

And? It's like...

Magic.

Hey, Steph.

Can you please make me one of your famous sandwiches?

Sure. Only instead of ham and cheddar, can I get turkey and Swiss?

And can I get it melted all the way through instead of toasted?

Oh, and sliced avocado instead of tomato. I really love that.

Thanks so much.

Uh, you know, I can't. I burned my hand.

Really? Let me see. Oh, no. No, I have it on ice.

You could make your own sandwich.

Eh, who wants to do all that work?

Not me.

Hi,

Mom.

Uh, yeah, no, you know, I can't talk right now. I'm at the mall.

There's a huge sell at the Cookie Emporium. It's a madhouse.

Hey, lady, get your hand off my chocolate chip.

Game recognized.

is gay.

What are you doing here? You just went home three hours ago.

Yeah, because this thing, it works so much better over here.

I don't have Wi -Fi.

Then go to a cafe. I don't feel like coffee.

How about a muffin?

Oh, that sounds good.

And while you're in the kitchen, I'll take a coffee.

Ah, would you look at that? A person who knows the proper way to enter someone

else's home.

Good afternoon.

We're having a one -week -only special on home security in your neighborhood.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't right now. I just got out of the shower.

I'll come back at a better time. Oh, no can do. We're moving out Friday.

Kaboom. You just lied to that guy.

No. No, I didn't. I kind of told the truth.

That wasn't the truth at all.

I did just take a shower.

This morning.

Guy was wasting his time, okay?

Sometimes lying can be an act of kindness to help people get through the

it wasn't a lie. It was a non -literal shading of reality.

Okay, that's cool.

I didn't just lie.

I lied about lying to my child.

And thus the student becomes the master.

We're sorry to interrupt, Mr. Summers, but James here has told me something a

little disturbing about why he couldn't do his homework.

Of course. Come on in.

James, it's okay. You can tell the principal what happened in your house

night. Really?

He seems too busy to listen to my little troubles. I guess I'll just scoot on

back to class. Good talk.

Oh, I'm never too busy for one of my students, James. Go ahead and tell me

you told Mrs. Marsha.

Well, I wanted to do my homework.

Of course, I do love fractions, one half, five eighths, crazy stuff.

But I couldn't because my parents locked me in the basement.

You can see why I brought him down here.

Yes.

Tell me more about your time in the basement.

You know, basements, they're all dark and I have to sit on the dryer.

Why would you have to sit on the dryer?

Glad you asked, because the floor's too scary.

Why is the floor scary?

Because of gators.

Gators. Yeah, that's it. Because you know how people flush gators down the

toilet and they go into the sewers? Well, one got up into our basement and

it's giant for me and all our rats.

I probably should have asked them follow -up questions first.

Well, James, that's a very sad story that you've told.

I know, but it's okay.

Oh, chill.

I mean, it's sad that you thought I'd believe it.

You're lying.

And lying has consequences.

For instance, you will spend lunch today in detention doing that homework.

That's not fair.

I only lied because my stepmom said it was okay. She said lying is an act of

kindness that helps a person get through the day.

So, how's your day going?

You don't need to take off work for this, okay? I can handle it. Why don't

go back to the hospital and do some of that heart -fixing stuff?

Well, that's sweet, but I'm already here.

I don't know what's gotten into James.

He's pulled a lot of stunts before, but he's never lied to his teachers.

Yeah, but this is just going to get you upset.

So why don't you go, and I'll fill you in at home?

Oh, Stephanie, I'm not leaving.

Well, then I'll go.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

specifically said that he wanted both of us here.

I wonder why.

I bet he's giving us a big old trophy for being the best parents ever.

Trophy?

You didn't spend much time in your school principal's office, did you?

Not really.

Because I'm good.

It's important you remember that, Charlie.

I'm good.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

Please have a seat.

Boiler room toilet's backed up.

Fake cutback.

Glad I got that PhD.

A non -literal shading of reality.

You have any idea where James would learn to justify lying like that?

Playground.

Neighbor's kid.

They are kind of sketchy.

The little girl with the rat face.

Right, it was me.

But my mother started it.

I can see why James is having some trouble taking responsibility for his

actions. You told James to lie?

No, no, no. I was lying and was explaining why it wasn't a lie. And

truth.

Charlie, I don't know what to say. I got overwhelmed with all of this new

parenting stuff, and a little lie here and there made it easier, and I guess I

just started doing it kind of a lot.

What's a lot?

Well, if you're talking about last night, that was real.

You're amazing.

Look, I never thought my lying would make James lie.

Well, that's what kids do. They follow your example.

Honey, I am so sorry.

I feel awful.

I really blew it.

Oh, look.

Honesty's back.

I was being honest when I said you were amazing.

Okay, we're done here.

Big smiles again, everyone.

This is going to be my wallpaper.

Come on now. We can be here all day long. I got a very steady hand and

nowhere to go.

Nope. Nope.

That's a picture of me again.

There's only three buttons.

And they all do the wrong thing.

You see this face?

You dig this.

I've got that one.

Well, you're mad.

Okay, everybody take a seat.

Good.

We need to talk about values.

This family tells the truth, no matter what.

But that didn't happen today.

It's not the compass.

What do I need with the compass?

To find your way home? That seems to be a problem.

Hey, liar, liar, and pants on fire.

You might want to both pay attention.

You can never go wrong telling the truth.

Honesty has its rewards.

Yes? I took $20 from your wallet yesterday.

Ah, you're grounded.

What? Where's my reward? Lord.

Anyone else?

James also broke the remote.

Hey, and he scratched Stephanie's car with his bike. He meant be honest about

yourself.

You scratched my car and then you watched me make a valet cry?

Yeah, well, Gabby broke the bathroom window. That was you.

Yep. No, I broke the kitchen window.

I need to stop talking.

You owe me $20, a new remote, some windows, I've lost track.

But two weeks with no electronics for lying at school.

Did you know that's Nora?

So you never lie, Daddy?

That's right.

That's how I was raised.

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm? What mm -hmm?

Nothing. No, say it.

I just remember one time you weren't very honest.

When? When we first met.

Name it. Don't make the accusation if you can't back it up.

Fine.

You didn't tell me you were divorced until our third date or that you had

until our fourth.

What? That's messed up. Why didn't you tell her about us, Daddy?

Because I didn't know how serious the relationship was going to get.

Is that right?

We had a pretty serious second date, if I recall. We probably wouldn't have had

a pretty serious second date if I had told you. So it's okay to lie if it

getting what you want? No, I didn't say that. That's what it sounded like. This

is grown -up talk.

We'll continue with this conversation later.

Yes, I think I got that all on video.

And what I just said on video.

And what I just just said.

Okay, how'd you turn off the video?

What were you thinking, spilling all that to the kids?

You tipped me over and it just came pouring out.

There is a difference between adult honesty and kid honesty.

Oh, I thought we were a family that told the truth no matter what. But there are

things children don't need to know. And that's when you lie to them? No, that's

where I avoid situations where I'd have to lie.

Oh, really?

Let's see.

George Washington, real or not real?

Real. What do I win? Not yet.

SpongeBob SquarePants?

Not real.

Duh.

Santa? Real.

Easter Bunny? Real. The Tooth Fairy? A whole dollar worth of real.

Thanks for playing.

You can go.

Do you want to get a prize?

How about a hug?

That's a stupid game.

Okay.

But we are not kids.

Between us, there needs to be complete honesty.

Are you sure you want to go there?

Of course.

Fine. You're starting to grow hair out of your ears.

I am not.

Hair out of my ear.

Yeah.

Ew.

What do you think Stephanie meant by a pretty serious date?

Stay hot hand?

Ah, you're so young.

number four combo meal.

Knowing Dad, that sounds about right.

Hey, who put the empty milk carton back in here?

It depends.

Are we still doing that honesty thing?

It's not a thing. It's a way of life.

All right, come on, guys. Everybody up. Come on.

Hands in on honesty, okay?

One, two, three.

Sorry, in the middle of a heart transplant, Jeff came home for juice.

I've got jury duty.

Homework. Play Jake.

Computers aren't real.

Jane, what are you doing? I told you to rake up the leaves out front.

I was doing that, and then I got scared.

Why? There's gators out there?

Words. Clowns. Lots of them.

Seriously, clowns? Yeah. Yeah, big red noses, crazy hair, giant shoes.

You know they give me nightmares.

James, I can't believe after everything we've been through, you're lying to us

again.

Hey, lady, you got a phone?

Our car broke down, and I got 12 guys and a goat sweating in a Mini.