Original subtitles

Welcome to Important Things. I'm Demetri Martin. Tonight's important thing is

money.

Some people are really good with money.

Oops. Some people are born with money.

Excuse me.

Some people will do anything to get money, like crime.

For example, a train robbery.

Yeah.

Yeah. Stop the train. Stop the train.

Thank you, audience.

Thank you.

Tonight's important thing is money.

Ooh, that's a big one. Let's get started.

A lot of options with money. A lot of things are important about money.

How can we cover this?

I could mug someone.

I could mug someone using a mug.

That would be me using the mug to mug them.

It's not mugging a person who's using a mug. I would hit him with a mug.

Probably just, like, throw coffee on him or something.

Or do jokes.

I'm saying mug, but this...

It's too vague.

Jokes.

In my wallet, I have a photo of a stranger picking up my wallet

and me stabbing him in the back.

Sometimes when I catch a cab, I'll be like this, and then as the cab pulls up,

Just at the last second, I switch it.

Then when I get in, I'm like, just so you know, I switched to hitchhiking just

like at the last second, just as you were pulling up.

You were still moving. You did just pick up a hitchhiker.

Yeah, that means free in our country.

I think one place it would be cool to get fired from if you had to get fired

would be the unemployment office.

Because then you just go right back in the next day and be like, you work for

now, bitch.

Find me a job. Hop to.

Sometimes I drive by a store and it just says like big and tall.

I think it would be cool to buy out a couple of those stores and just add one

word to it.

So it's like big and tall and Asian.

People drive by like.

ambitious business plan.

But then for that small segment of the population that you're getting, that guy

drives by, he's like, hold up, we need to go here.

This is the sketch. This is the sketch.

This is the sketch.

Look at that, the whole hand.

Oh, boy.

It was patch two, doctor.

Good. Here's the third finger. Having trouble with the pinky.

Almost done.

Huh? Coming tomorrow to look at the robot.

The whole robot?

Yes. Of course. The whole robot.

Oh, yes. Of course. The whole robot will be ready. Definitely. The whole thing

should be ready first thing tomorrow.

Have yourself a good night.

Oh, boy.

But we don't even have the arm finished yet.

All right. Don't panic. I think we can pull this off.

Do you have contact lenses?

Good morning, gentlemen. What a great day today is for America and science. So

without further ado, please meet Robot 326.

Isn't it magnificent?

Titanium and the latest in steel and metal blends.

Unbreakable. Hmm.

Impressive. But what does it do?

I knew you would ask that. He has very definite...

Cognitive abilities. I place a glass of water and milk on the table. Three, two,

six. Would you like to pick up the glass of water?

The water.

Isn't that amazing?

Well done.

Thank you.

All right, I think we've made a wonderful first step. We'll see you all

here in six months with even more. Thank you, 326. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dr.

Miller, you finished?

I think we're going to need to see some more from the robot, right, General? If

that's all it does, we can cut the funding for the program right now.

Oh, no, no, I anticipated this.

I saved the best for last.

Let me just make a few small adjustments.

I'll kick it up a notch or two.

I don't want to.

Don't be a jerk. If they cut off the funding, we'll both end up on the

All right, here we go.

The final act. Three, two, six, take it.

You're on.

Early combat moves.

I thought there'd be more, and I'm sure there will be.

That's my cover of 326.

It's a little military humor. He's very patriotic. All right, that's enough,

326.

Thank you. And that's about it. Oh, more, all right.

Be careful.

The international greeting.

Now, a big finish.

Trapped in a box.

I see a world where there'll be no more wars, no more fighting. But we'll always

need the military, of course. Thank you so much.

Back into the box.

I gotta say, I think it was worth 20 million.

One thing, though. Can we change the way the robot looks?

It's very unappealing looking.

It does not look like a super soldier.

I noticed that, too.

I mean, the nose is ridiculous.

Sorry, I just turned up his realism feature, which makes him act so human

he forgets sometimes that he's a robot.

Really? We had no idea robots could be this realistic.

Wait, what?

Are you guys idiots? I'm a person. I'm a human being. That's why I'm realistic

and lifelike.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

You understand what's happening? I'm a human being, and he's an asshole.

This guy lied and made me do this.

Gentlemen. It looks like we've successfully created a robot that can

About creating other robots or whatever.

What? Jennings, your Dr. Miller robot is a success.

What?

Yeah.

Wow. Science.

All right. Let's shut him down and kill this one.

Go get him, gentlemen.

Hey.

So I'm going to make a cake.

in the shape of a coin, put candles in the cake, light them, blow out the

candles, then take the coin cake and throw it into a fountain.

That's a double wish situation from one cake because of the fountain and the

candle blowing out, blowing out of the candles.

Think about it.

All right.

That should be about $4.

This mother rides like a dream.

Good. Smooth as silk.

Very nice.

I've got to get a tune -up.

Tune -up.

Hey, Joe, remember us?

Oh, hey, man, what's going on? Over here is good, right? Okay, okay, okay, easy.

Hey, what's going on? How are you? Where's the money, Jerry?

Uh, the money is coming. Yeah, yeah, it was coming last time, remember? Yeah,

but I... Hey, remember three weeks ago when you said the money was coming? No,

no, no, because I got it, though. My cousin had it, and I talked to him. Now

it's two weeks later, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do him. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, wait.

Oh, why are you... Why are you on a bike?

Why are you... There you go.

No, no, no. You're going to get the money, right?

You're going to get the money, right, Gary? Where are you on a bike?

Go, go, go, go.

Oh.

Hey, idiot. What is it? Do you see us back there?

It's a bike lane. You see this? No, calm down. You caught us off.

Bike lane, right? Whatever happened, calm down. Joey, do it. Do the window.

are you doing? Do the window.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

There you go.

Watch out for cyclists on the road, idiot.

All right. Go home. Go home.

Get in your car and go home. You watch out for cyclists.

Okay.

Let's take a look at some data.

The term somebody uses for money tells you a lot about that person's net worth.

If they use the term moolah, that means they have a little bit of money.

If they use assets, they have a lot of money. It's a rich guy.

If they use dough, they have some money, but they're going to lose it because

they're like, bro, I got a lot of dough.

Idiot. Money's gone.

If they call money napkins, they have a little money.

Do you have any hundreds on the napkins? Yeah, over there. You can wipe your

ass, whatever you want with them.

They call it what's this? They have very, very little money.

Here's a dollar. What's this?

You poor bastard.

Yeah, hey, can I get a pizza delivery, please?

156 Maplewood.

Yeah, I'm around the back in the pool.

Pizza, right?

Yeah. Yeah, over here.

$15.

Okay.

Bring it over.

Do you want it?

No,

man, I ordered delivery, not pickup.

Bring it to me.

Can you just come here? I can't. Well, can you deliver it to me or what?

Are you not pizza delivery?

I'll get you over here.

It's okay. I got it. I got it.

Thank you.

How much?

Fifteen dollars.

I have a coupon for a free pizza.

Thanks very much.

See you later.

Shut the gate on your way out, all right?

So listen, my roommate's coming.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, yeah, cool.

He's from the future.

What? Yeah, he literally, he's from the future.

Just wanted to prepare you guys.

Here he is. Hey, Toby. Oh, my God.

What's this?

The party.

Wow, that's lame.

What were you guys talking about?

I was just telling them that I lost my credit card.

Credit card.

Yeah. You know, something that you pay when you go buy... You guys have credit

cards?

Yeah. Like plastic rectangles?

Yes. Yeah.

What do you have? Oh, my God.

I forgot.

Jesus. I forgot. I learned that in history class.

We've got titanium circles.

You just put it in your fingertip. I just touch stuff and I buy it. If I want

buy it.

How do you buy another person?

No, I just bought a shirt.

Oh, a shirt. Yeah, if you want to buy a person, it's different. You have to go

through the whole, like...

The person registry and, you know, they have to be like a certain age and stuff

like that.

Babies, whatever.

Boring. Do you guys have zip -zops?

Of course you don't. You don't have a zip -zop. Great.

Do you guys have LeveMatch?

No. What about LeveSnacks?

Nope. So your food does not hover?

No. I don't even know how people live.

Dude, I'm out of here.

Fuck.

Saying someone's born with a silver spoon in their mouth is a common

about money.

I'm now going to demonstrate some new expressions about money using scene

So, uh, Frank called me on my birthday, and then he asked me if he could borrow

some money.

Frank, that guy's a real short -sleeved magician.

Short -sleeved magician.

When you can see what's coming.

Dan caught a lucky break.

Cheryl broke up with him. She broke up with him?

Yeah. Wow.

He really sold the pie shack.

Sold the pie shack.

It's when you're in a bad situation, it looks like it's not going to work out,

but then it does. You know, like... You have a pie shack. Who's going to buy a

pie shack?

Then someone comes along and they want to buy a pie shack. You sold it.

Problem solved.

The pie shack is sold.

Your Jerry's trying to start up a frozen yogurt business?

Good luck to him.

If you ask me, he's trying to shave a snake.

Yep, it's a bad investment.

Trying to shave a snake.

Doesn't work out well.

This is a sketch.

This is a sketch.

This is a sketch.

Hey!

Dr. Goldstein!

Dr. Goldstein.

Hello. We're here for our money.

Dr. Larry Goldstein, come on out.

You owe us money.

We know you're in there.

Come on, Goldie.

Don't make us come in and get you.

This mother... Wait, wait, whoa, whoa. Who's going to watch the bikes?

You're going to bring the locks? I'm going to bring the locks.

You're kidding me. How are we going to go in? We're doing hills.

I'm not going to bring a lock.

You're kidding me.

I'll bring the bike. All right, you just bring yours. I'll bring mine. It said

$3 .55.

I thought it was 355.

No.

Wrong house? Yeah, he just yelled at me.

Tommy Directions, everybody. Take it easy, all right? I didn't know what

it was. Tommy D, riding around. All right, all right, you made your point.

Tommy Directions, getting lost on the road again.

Come on, man, come on. Step it up. Hey, hey, hey, hey, don't, don't, do not. Do

not.

Do not. You want to do this?

You want a problem with me?

I got no problem with you. I just, you know.

Problem with me? I'm trying to have some fun. Do you? Come on. Do you? Come on,

man. Do you, Joey? I'm trying to have some fun.

I don't like that kind of fun. Don't touch me.

I don't like that kind of... Don't touch me.

Hey!

Get on your bike and keep riding. Don't tell me what to do!

Get the...

No

If I had a lot of money, I'd give that money to you.

If I had a lot of money, don't you know that's what I'd do?

But I'd probably do some other things with the money too.

I wouldn't want to waste all that money.

I'd get a butler.

Then I'd get another butler to be the butler's butler. And I'd pay the two

butlers to fight. I'd have butler fight night.

And I would charge admission to butler fight night.

And that would make me even more money.

I would have a gold hat.

I'm not talking about a crown.

It would be a gold baseball hat.

Because then people would be like, that guy's really rich, but he's also down to

earth. I can really relate to that guy.

Oh, yeah.

And I would feed poor children.

But right before I gave them the money, I'd say, is it possible that you could

do a dance if you really want the money?

Then I would videotape the dancing and perhaps make it a television show.

That would probably be a hit television show called Poor People Dancing

Desperately.

And that would make me even more money than I could share with you.

Sorry.

Holy... Joey!

Holy... Joey. I'm gonna draft. I'm drafting.

I'm gonna... My pants.

All right, here we go. Come on. Big push.

This is a killer.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you kidding me? I got a cramp. Get the f*** out of here.

Stretch me out. What do you mean? Pull the leg.

Is that good?