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Welcome to Important Things. I'm Demetri
Martin. Tonight's important thing is
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money.
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Some people are really good with money.
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Oops. Some people are born with money.
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Excuse me.
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Some people will do anything to get
money, like crime.
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For example, a train robbery.
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Yeah.
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Yeah. Stop the train. Stop the train.
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Thank you, audience.
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Thank you.
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Tonight's important thing is money.
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Ooh, that's a big one. Let's get
started.
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A lot of options with money. A lot of
things are important about money.
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How can we cover this?
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I could mug someone.
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I could mug someone using a mug.
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That would be me using the mug to mug
them.
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It's not mugging a person who's using a
mug. I would hit him with a mug.
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Probably just, like, throw coffee on him
or something.
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Or do jokes.
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I'm saying mug, but this...
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It's too vague.
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Jokes.
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In my wallet, I have a photo of a
stranger picking up my wallet
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and me stabbing him in the back.
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Sometimes when I catch a cab, I'll be
like this, and then as the cab pulls up,
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Just at the last second, I switch it.
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Then when I get in, I'm like, just so
you know, I switched to hitchhiking just
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like at the last second, just as you
were pulling up.
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You were still moving. You did just pick
up a hitchhiker.
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Yeah, that means free in our country.
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I think one place it would be cool to
get fired from if you had to get fired
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would be the unemployment office.
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Because then you just go right back in
the next day and be like, you work for
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now, bitch.
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Find me a job. Hop to.
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Sometimes I drive by a store and it just
says like big and tall.
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I think it would be cool to buy out a
couple of those stores and just add one
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word to it.
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So it's like big and tall and Asian.
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People drive by like.
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ambitious business plan.
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But then for that small segment of the
population that you're getting, that guy
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drives by, he's like, hold up, we need
to go here.
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This is the sketch. This is the sketch.
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This is the sketch.
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Look at that, the whole hand.
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Oh, boy.
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It was patch two, doctor.
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Good. Here's the third finger. Having
trouble with the pinky.
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Almost done.
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Huh? Coming tomorrow to look at the
robot.
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The whole robot?
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Yes. Of course. The whole robot.
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Oh, yes. Of course. The whole robot will
be ready. Definitely. The whole thing
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should be ready first thing tomorrow.
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Have yourself a good night.
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Oh, boy.
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But we don't even have the arm finished
yet.
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All right. Don't panic. I think we can
pull this off.
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Do you have contact lenses?
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Good morning, gentlemen. What a great
day today is for America and science. So
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without further ado, please meet Robot
326.
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Isn't it magnificent?
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Titanium and the latest in steel and
metal blends.
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Unbreakable. Hmm.
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Impressive. But what does it do?
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I knew you would ask that. He has very
definite...
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Cognitive abilities. I place a glass of
water and milk on the table. Three, two,
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six. Would you like to pick up the glass
of water?
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The water.
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Isn't that amazing?
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Well done.
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Thank you.
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All right, I think we've made a
wonderful first step. We'll see you all
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here in six months with even more. Thank
you, 326. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dr.
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Miller, you finished?
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I think we're going to need to see some
more from the robot, right, General? If
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that's all it does, we can cut the
funding for the program right now.
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Oh, no, no, I anticipated this.
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I saved the best for last.
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Let me just make a few small
adjustments.
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I'll kick it up a notch or two.
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I don't want to.
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Don't be a jerk. If they cut off the
funding, we'll both end up on the
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All right, here we go.
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The final act. Three, two, six, take it.
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You're on.
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Early combat moves.
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I thought there'd be more, and I'm sure
there will be.
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That's my cover of 326.
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It's a little military humor. He's very
patriotic. All right, that's enough,
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326.
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Thank you. And that's about it. Oh,
more, all right.
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Be careful.
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The international greeting.
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Now, a big finish.
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Trapped in a box.
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I see a world where there'll be no more
wars, no more fighting. But we'll always
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need the military, of course. Thank you
so much.
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Back into the box.
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I gotta say, I think it was worth 20
million.
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One thing, though. Can we change the way
the robot looks?
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It's very unappealing looking.
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It does not look like a super soldier.
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I noticed that, too.
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I mean, the nose is ridiculous.
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Sorry, I just turned up his realism
feature, which makes him act so human
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he forgets sometimes that he's a robot.
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Really? We had no idea robots could be
this realistic.
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Wait, what?
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Are you guys idiots? I'm a person. I'm a
human being. That's why I'm realistic
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and lifelike.
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Thank you. Thank you very much.
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You understand what's happening? I'm a
human being, and he's an asshole.
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This guy lied and made me do this.
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Gentlemen. It looks like we've
successfully created a robot that can
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About creating other robots or whatever.
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What? Jennings, your Dr. Miller robot is
a success.
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What?
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Yeah.
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Wow. Science.
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All right. Let's shut him down and kill
this one.
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Go get him, gentlemen.
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Hey.
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So I'm going to make a cake.
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in the shape of a coin, put candles in
the cake, light them, blow out the
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candles, then take the coin cake and
throw it into a fountain.
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That's a double wish situation from one
cake because of the fountain and the
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candle blowing out, blowing out of the
candles.
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Think about it.
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All right.
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That should be about $4.
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This mother rides like a dream.
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Good. Smooth as silk.
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Very nice.
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I've got to get a tune -up.
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Tune -up.
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Hey, Joe, remember us?
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00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:05,420
Oh, hey, man, what's going on? Over here
is good, right? Okay, okay, okay, easy.
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00:09:05,660 --> 00:09:07,900
Hey, what's going on? How are you?
Where's the money, Jerry?
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00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:12,280
Uh, the money is coming. Yeah, yeah, it
was coming last time, remember? Yeah,
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but I... Hey, remember three weeks ago
when you said the money was coming? No,
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no, no, because I got it, though. My
cousin had it, and I talked to him. Now
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it's two weeks later, right? Yeah, yeah,
yeah.
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Do him. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Wait,
wait, wait.
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Oh, wait.
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00:09:24,260 --> 00:09:27,200
Oh, why are you... Why are you on a
bike?
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Why are you... There you go.
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No, no, no. You're going to get the
money, right?
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You're going to get the money, right,
Gary? Where are you on a bike?
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Go, go, go, go.
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Oh.
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00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,720
Hey, idiot. What is it? Do you see us
back there?
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It's a bike lane. You see this? No, calm
down. You caught us off.
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Bike lane, right? Whatever happened,
calm down. Joey, do it. Do the window.
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are you doing? Do the window.
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What are you doing?
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What are you doing?
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There you go.
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Watch out for cyclists on the road,
idiot.
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All right. Go home. Go home.
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Get in your car and go home. You watch
out for cyclists.
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Okay.
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00:10:11,500 --> 00:10:12,860
Let's take a look at some data.
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The term somebody uses for money tells
you a lot about that person's net worth.
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If they use the term moolah, that means
they have a little bit of money.
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If they use assets, they have a lot of
money. It's a rich guy.
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00:10:29,190 --> 00:10:31,750
If they use dough, they have some money,
but they're going to lose it because
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they're like, bro, I got a lot of dough.
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Idiot. Money's gone.
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00:10:37,050 --> 00:10:38,990
If they call money napkins, they have a
little money.
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00:10:42,930 --> 00:10:45,230
Do you have any hundreds on the napkins?
Yeah, over there. You can wipe your
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ass, whatever you want with them.
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00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:50,820
They call it what's this? They have
very, very little money.
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00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:53,560
Here's a dollar. What's this?
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You poor bastard.
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00:10:57,680 --> 00:10:59,900
Yeah, hey, can I get a pizza delivery,
please?
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00:11:01,980 --> 00:11:03,040
156 Maplewood.
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00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:06,520
Yeah, I'm around the back in the pool.
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00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:09,840
Pizza, right?
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00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,500
Yeah. Yeah, over here.
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$15.
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00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:14,800
Okay.
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Bring it over.
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Do you want it?
188
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:20,880
No,
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00:11:21,860 --> 00:11:23,540
man, I ordered delivery, not pickup.
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00:11:24,580 --> 00:11:25,580
Bring it to me.
191
00:11:35,860 --> 00:11:39,600
Can you just come here? I can't. Well,
can you deliver it to me or what?
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00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:41,800
Are you not pizza delivery?
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I'll get you over here.
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00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:01,740
It's okay. I got it. I got it.
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00:12:11,420 --> 00:12:12,540
Thank you.
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00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:16,499
How much?
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00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:17,500
Fifteen dollars.
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00:12:18,180 --> 00:12:22,780
I have a coupon for a free pizza.
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00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:25,320
Thanks very much.
200
00:12:28,780 --> 00:12:29,780
See you later.
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00:12:30,990 --> 00:12:32,530
Shut the gate on your way out, all
right?
202
00:12:33,610 --> 00:12:35,970
So listen, my roommate's coming.
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00:12:36,210 --> 00:12:37,009
Oh, wow.
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00:12:37,010 --> 00:12:38,010
Yeah, yeah, cool.
205
00:12:38,210 --> 00:12:39,350
He's from the future.
206
00:12:39,610 --> 00:12:42,390
What? Yeah, he literally, he's from the
future.
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00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:44,110
Just wanted to prepare you guys.
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00:12:44,490 --> 00:12:46,730
Here he is. Hey, Toby. Oh, my God.
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00:12:50,390 --> 00:12:51,390
What's this?
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00:12:51,830 --> 00:12:52,830
The party.
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00:12:53,970 --> 00:12:55,050
Wow, that's lame.
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00:12:55,770 --> 00:12:56,830
What were you guys talking about?
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00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,490
I was just telling them that I lost my
credit card.
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00:13:00,870 --> 00:13:01,870
Credit card.
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00:13:01,890 --> 00:13:06,290
Yeah. You know, something that you pay
when you go buy... You guys have credit
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00:13:06,290 --> 00:13:07,290
cards?
217
00:13:07,410 --> 00:13:08,910
Yeah. Like plastic rectangles?
218
00:13:09,310 --> 00:13:10,310
Yes. Yeah.
219
00:13:12,010 --> 00:13:14,110
What do you have? Oh, my God.
220
00:13:14,470 --> 00:13:15,369
I forgot.
221
00:13:15,370 --> 00:13:18,050
Jesus. I forgot. I learned that in
history class.
222
00:13:18,390 --> 00:13:19,590
We've got titanium circles.
223
00:13:19,930 --> 00:13:22,970
You just put it in your fingertip. I
just touch stuff and I buy it. If I want
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00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:24,070
buy it.
225
00:13:24,490 --> 00:13:25,870
How do you buy another person?
226
00:13:26,230 --> 00:13:27,230
No, I just bought a shirt.
227
00:13:27,290 --> 00:13:29,530
Oh, a shirt. Yeah, if you want to buy a
person, it's different. You have to go
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00:13:29,530 --> 00:13:30,509
through the whole, like...
229
00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:34,430
The person registry and, you know, they
have to be like a certain age and stuff
230
00:13:34,430 --> 00:13:35,430
like that.
231
00:13:36,030 --> 00:13:37,030
Babies, whatever.
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00:13:37,870 --> 00:13:39,610
Boring. Do you guys have zip -zops?
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00:13:40,490 --> 00:13:42,690
Of course you don't. You don't have a
zip -zop. Great.
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00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:44,530
Do you guys have LeveMatch?
235
00:13:45,890 --> 00:13:47,370
No. What about LeveSnacks?
236
00:13:48,430 --> 00:13:50,590
Nope. So your food does not hover?
237
00:13:51,730 --> 00:13:53,590
No. I don't even know how people live.
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00:13:55,210 --> 00:13:56,210
Dude, I'm out of here.
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00:13:56,450 --> 00:13:57,450
Fuck.
240
00:14:48,060 --> 00:14:50,900
Saying someone's born with a silver
spoon in their mouth is a common
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00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:51,900
about money.
242
00:14:52,030 --> 00:14:55,310
I'm now going to demonstrate some new
expressions about money using scene
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00:15:07,530 --> 00:15:12,310
So, uh, Frank called me on my birthday,
and then he asked me if he could borrow
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00:15:12,310 --> 00:15:13,310
some money.
245
00:15:13,710 --> 00:15:17,150
Frank, that guy's a real short -sleeved
magician.
246
00:15:19,970 --> 00:15:21,050
Short -sleeved magician.
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00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:23,600
When you can see what's coming.
248
00:15:33,020 --> 00:15:34,360
Dan caught a lucky break.
249
00:15:34,940 --> 00:15:37,380
Cheryl broke up with him. She broke up
with him?
250
00:15:37,740 --> 00:15:38,960
Yeah. Wow.
251
00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:40,600
He really sold the pie shack.
252
00:15:43,380 --> 00:15:44,540
Sold the pie shack.
253
00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:47,920
It's when you're in a bad situation, it
looks like it's not going to work out,
254
00:15:47,980 --> 00:15:51,380
but then it does. You know, like... You
have a pie shack. Who's going to buy a
255
00:15:51,380 --> 00:15:52,380
pie shack?
256
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:56,360
Then someone comes along and they want
to buy a pie shack. You sold it.
257
00:15:57,940 --> 00:15:58,819
Problem solved.
258
00:15:58,820 --> 00:15:59,980
The pie shack is sold.
259
00:16:10,460 --> 00:16:15,360
Your Jerry's trying to start up a frozen
yogurt business?
260
00:16:15,980 --> 00:16:16,980
Good luck to him.
261
00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:18,920
If you ask me, he's trying to shave a
snake.
262
00:16:20,110 --> 00:16:21,410
Yep, it's a bad investment.
263
00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:24,850
Trying to shave a snake.
264
00:16:26,230 --> 00:16:27,250
Doesn't work out well.
265
00:16:30,910 --> 00:16:32,450
This is a sketch.
266
00:16:32,670 --> 00:16:35,370
This is a sketch.
267
00:16:36,070 --> 00:16:38,330
This is a sketch.
268
00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:40,790
Hey!
269
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:48,430
Dr. Goldstein!
270
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,020
Dr. Goldstein.
271
00:16:53,700 --> 00:16:55,900
Hello. We're here for our money.
272
00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:59,660
Dr. Larry Goldstein, come on out.
273
00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:01,260
You owe us money.
274
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:02,660
We know you're in there.
275
00:17:03,060 --> 00:17:04,440
Come on, Goldie.
276
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,640
Don't make us come in and get you.
277
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:09,300
This mother... Wait, wait, whoa, whoa.
Who's going to watch the bikes?
278
00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:10,700
You're going to bring the locks? I'm
going to bring the locks.
279
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,520
You're kidding me. How are we going to
go in? We're doing hills.
280
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:14,720
I'm not going to bring a lock.
281
00:17:16,099 --> 00:17:16,999
You're kidding me.
282
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,500
I'll bring the bike. All right, you just
bring yours. I'll bring mine. It said
283
00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:20,500
$3 .55.
284
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:21,839
I thought it was 355.
285
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:23,200
No.
286
00:17:23,740 --> 00:17:25,380
Wrong house? Yeah, he just yelled at me.
287
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:29,660
Tommy Directions, everybody. Take it
easy, all right? I didn't know what
288
00:17:29,660 --> 00:17:32,740
it was. Tommy D, riding around. All
right, all right, you made your point.
289
00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:36,220
Tommy Directions, getting lost on the
road again.
290
00:17:36,540 --> 00:17:40,760
Come on, man, come on. Step it up. Hey,
hey, hey, hey, don't, don't, do not. Do
291
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:41,760
not.
292
00:17:41,780 --> 00:17:43,260
Do not. You want to do this?
293
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:44,860
You want a problem with me?
294
00:17:45,660 --> 00:17:47,760
I got no problem with you. I just, you
know.
295
00:17:48,090 --> 00:17:51,990
Problem with me? I'm trying to have some
fun. Do you? Come on. Do you? Come on,
296
00:17:52,010 --> 00:17:53,570
man. Do you, Joey? I'm trying to have
some fun.
297
00:17:56,130 --> 00:17:57,990
I don't like that kind of fun. Don't
touch me.
298
00:17:58,390 --> 00:18:00,070
I don't like that kind of... Don't touch
me.
299
00:18:00,710 --> 00:18:01,710
Hey!
300
00:18:02,930 --> 00:18:06,050
Get on your bike and keep riding. Don't
tell me what to do!
301
00:18:06,270 --> 00:18:07,270
Get the...
302
00:18:26,540 --> 00:18:27,540
No
303
00:19:16,430 --> 00:19:21,570
If I had a lot of money, I'd give that
money to you.
304
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:28,290
If I had a lot of money, don't you know
that's what I'd do?
305
00:19:29,670 --> 00:19:35,170
But I'd probably do some other things
with the money too.
306
00:19:36,010 --> 00:19:41,070
I wouldn't want to waste all that money.
307
00:19:42,830 --> 00:19:44,770
I'd get a butler.
308
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:50,280
Then I'd get another butler to be the
butler's butler. And I'd pay the two
309
00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:54,440
butlers to fight. I'd have butler fight
night.
310
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,320
And I would charge admission to butler
fight night.
311
00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:04,400
And that would make me even more money.
312
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:09,020
I would have a gold hat.
313
00:20:10,060 --> 00:20:11,640
I'm not talking about a crown.
314
00:20:12,650 --> 00:20:15,230
It would be a gold baseball hat.
315
00:20:15,670 --> 00:20:19,070
Because then people would be like, that
guy's really rich, but he's also down to
316
00:20:19,070 --> 00:20:21,110
earth. I can really relate to that guy.
317
00:20:21,870 --> 00:20:22,870
Oh, yeah.
318
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:26,090
And I would feed poor children.
319
00:20:26,650 --> 00:20:31,130
But right before I gave them the money,
I'd say, is it possible that you could
320
00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:32,690
do a dance if you really want the money?
321
00:20:34,610 --> 00:20:40,750
Then I would videotape the dancing and
perhaps make it a television show.
322
00:20:42,090 --> 00:20:46,310
That would probably be a hit television
show called Poor People Dancing
323
00:20:46,310 --> 00:20:47,670
Desperately.
324
00:20:49,890 --> 00:20:55,730
And that would make me even more money
than I could share with you.
325
00:21:01,250 --> 00:21:02,250
Sorry.
326
00:21:06,090 --> 00:21:07,870
Holy... Joey!
327
00:21:08,730 --> 00:21:11,250
Holy... Joey. I'm gonna draft. I'm
drafting.
328
00:21:11,450 --> 00:21:12,520
I'm gonna... My pants.
329
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:14,480
All right, here we go. Come on. Big
push.
330
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:18,620
This is a killer.
331
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:21,660
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
332
00:21:22,980 --> 00:21:25,760
Are you kidding me? I got a cramp. Get
the f*** out of here.
333
00:21:27,980 --> 00:21:32,820
Stretch me out. What do you mean? Pull
the leg.
334
00:21:33,100 --> 00:21:34,100
Is that good?
25519
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