Original subtitles

Thank you for clapping.

And thank you at home if you're clapping.

Welcome to Important Things with Dimitri Martin. I'm Dimitri Martin.

Tonight's important thing is game.

Okay, game.

Very important thing. A lot of things related to this.

Okay, let's see what our options are to start.

I can start with a sketch, jokes, or throw darts at the audience.

Ooh.

I used to like to watch sports a lot, but not as much anymore because I'm

disappointed.

I'd always rather see the actual animals fighting than the teams with those

names.

Colts versus bears.

Yeah.

Wizards versus heat. Freaking awesome.

Magic versus jazz.

That's a little too gay for me. I'm going to pass on that.

I don't want to see jazz fighting anything, man. Come on.

like an anesthesiologist, I'd be the funny guy at work, you know?

Like, right when someone's going under, I'd be like, no, no, no, no, wait, wait,

wait, wait!

Oops, oops, sorry!

I wish bingo were called boing this whole time.

I mean, it's the same letters, you know? It wouldn't be, like, that much

different. But when somebody wins, it would sound so much better.

Boing!

I got it, boing!

These old people are bouncy.

I saw a lady with long fingernails, and I thought, somebody sucks at bowling.

I like to stand outside a salon, and when people come out, I go, what did you

do?

No!

My God.

I watched you go in.

You were fine.

How does a haircut make someone look fatter? Unbelievable.

Whenever I see, like, the high scores in a video game, I feel like you could

just put, is lonely after each one.

I was in this arcade, and I saw the high scores in this one game. Like, the same

guy had them all.

I guess it was this guy, Tom, and it was just, like, you know, all Tom.

And when he put him up there, I know he must have been like, Tom, Tom, Tom.

But when I looked at it, I read it like, Tom, Tom, Tom.

You need to get a job.

If love is a game, then meet its greatest player.

Devin Cottonfield has broken free from countless romantic entanglements. He is

the world's greatest emotional escape artist.

Tonight's escape attempt, Felicia Adams.

After nearly eight months of intense dating, I have formed a monogamous,

committed relationship with Felicia. My plan is to dump Felicia live tonight on

television at New York's most romantic restaurant, Wanted by Land.

Cue if I see. I will be seated here.

Felicia will be here. We'll dump Felicia and then make my escape.

It will be my most daring escape ever.

We've set up hidden cameras to capture my escape.

Keep in mind, this woman is not an actress and we are not already broken

So, I talked to my parents and they said we should come up to Providence for a

week this summer.

That's funny.

We never do anything with my parents.

What's wrong?

Did I say something was wrong?

It was just an observation.

Excuse me.

I'll be right back.

I've made the first move in my escape, acting like something is wrong while

insisting that nothing is wrong.

But Felicia is a difficult opponent. A few more mind games, and hopefully,

hopefully...

For you.

That's so sweet.

Felicia.

There's something I need to talk to you about.

Yeah. There's something I need to talk to you about, too.

You go first.

I'm pregnant.

Excuse me.

I'll be right back.

Incredible.

Felicia's pregnant.

This is a surprise, truly.

I've always used condoms with Felicia. One of my sperm must have escaped.

This may be an impossible escape, but with a little magic,

hopefully, I can free myself from two people.

Another rose for you. Oh. And one for the baby.

Thanks.

Now, Felicia, we need to talk.

I know.

Maybe we shouldn't be... It's not your baby.

I slept with Scott.

What? I'm sorry.

No.

Sorry's not just gonna make that disappear.

Devin.

All right, I never meant to hurt you.

But I am having this baby with Scott.

God, how could you be so insensitive?

We've been going out for a long time.

Um.

Um. No.

You're not leaving me.

I'm leaving you. I'm escaping from this relationship. Because I am Devin.

Cottonfield.

Okay.

Okay, honey, I don't know what that means.

But I'm going to go now.

I'm sorry.

Good luck. Sorry I broke your heart, young lady. Another

victim of Devin Cottonfield.

There's a game that I like to play called greater than or equal to.

It's really simple. You just take two things and you see if they're equal or

one's greater than the other one.

Okay, I'll show you what I mean.

A turtle is greater than a baby nephew.

Because it's okay if you drop the turtle.

Mustache is equal to three gold chains.

In creepiness.

A rabbit made out of candy is greater than candy made out of a rabbit.

A meteor is greater

than a dinosaur.

Because 65 million years ago, a meteor struck the earth and the dinosaurs then

became extinct.

But a poster of a meteor is equal to a poster of a dinosaur.

Because if a man has this in his room, he's not getting laid ever.

Whale watching is equal to water staring.

Yeah.

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf.

Because I find it beautiful when these fall.

This might be controversial, but a pipe is greater than a bong.

Because when you're smoking a pipe, at least it looks like you're thinking

something.

And finally, Rubik's Cube is equal to a

drag queen.

Because it's really colorful, but I don't want to do it.

For over 500 years, the game has been the same.

But now, a new chess piece has arrived, and it will blow you away.

from the fires of hell and officially sanctioned by the World Chess

So, where is the Annihilator allowed to move on the board?

Anywhere it goddamn wants to move.

Checkmate, my friend.

The Annihilator. Jack just got f***ed in the face.

Fuck you.

Warning. Do not ingest. New from RML.

There's so many board games with so many different titles, but I feel like they

could all have the same title Which one of my friends is a competitive prick?

Hello everyone Don Gordon along with Steve Emery welcoming you back to the

M game This is a real test of a race, the men's passive -aggressive 800

where athletes have to race to the finish while pretending they don't care

winning. To participate in an actual race and still act like you're not there

win requires an almost inhuman level of passive aggression.

And these are some of the most passive -aggressive bastards on Earth.

And there's last year's champion, John Benjamin. He's called Not -A -Big -Deal

Ben because he always says it's not a big deal if you don't pay him back. But

when he gets home, he beats his dog angrily. There's Michael Newman.

The secret to his success?

An incredibly small heart.

In the number two position is John Mulaney. They call him the Cincinnati

Athlete. Eric Drysdale's warming up. He recently cheated on his fiancée with a

girl he wasn't even attracted to, just so he wouldn't have to get married.

Next to him is Dimitri Martin. He's known for the shitty little notes he

for his roommate instead of confronting him directly.

And, of course, the newcomer, Kenya's Bimwala Mbutu, the first person in Kenya

to break up with his girlfriend via e -mail.

What a... They're on the mark, they're set, and they're stopping.

Wow, Bimwala just imploded. He's going to be disqualified.

Okay, here's everyone insincerely wishing each other good luck. Now

pulls ahead, acting above it all by cleaning his glasses, and Martin joking

friendly manner when deep down... He desperately wants to hurt Drysdale's

feelings. What's this? Looks like Mulaney's pretending to get a funny

He also does this at parties, so people won't know how lonely he is. And

Newman's suggesting a group photo. Notice how long he takes to press the

torturing everyone who's holding a smile.

Martin seems to be using his girlfriend.

She's been trying to get him to look at carpet samples for weeks. He's finding

problems with every single sample just to avoid renovating their apartment.

And here's Drysdale introducing himself to Martin's girlfriend, cleverly taking

the lead. And now Martin's jealous and in second place. Tension started between

Drysdale and Martin yesterday during the 400 -meter hurdle slalom. That's right.

They both decided to go around their hurdles in the same way, thereby causing

slight collision.

Coming into the home stretch. And here's Newman and Benjamin neck and neck. And

Martin is broken away. He's gaining on Newman and Benjamin. Newman is showing

Benjamin pictures of Newman's house, which is bigger than Benjamin's.

calling for pound cake, just waiting for someone to show concern for him by

asking about his eating disorder.

And here comes Martin insinuating himself into the conversation.

And he sneezes without covering his mouth. And it's a photo finish.

Let's take another look at that in slow motion.

And look at this. It's Martin by a nose.

Incredible. Amazing.

And look at Benjamin there, just enjoying his pound cake.

His lackadaisical attitude will really take away from Martin's sense of

I'm Don Gordon. I'm Steve Henry.

We'll see you next year.

If you care to tune in.

I'll see you at dinner.

Okay. Great.

I'll talk to you later.

Okay? I'll talk to you later.

Bye -bye.

Watch the hacky stack!

This is a sketch.

This is a sketch.

This is a sketch. This is a sketch.

This is a fun game. If you have a planner, like an old planner, like I do

just like in a park.

I just like leave the planner out on the ground.

And then someone comes and picks it up, you know, and you open it and inside it

just says, one, drop planner.

Two, wait for person to pick up planner.

Three, get person.

Four, if they look around.

Wait till tonight to get them.

Or exactly one year from today.

For thousands of years, human beings have been shit upon by birds. And birds

have found this hilarious.

But now, it is people who will have the last laugh.

You like that? Those are called man egg.

And you just got bird praying.

Set you free now.

Michelangelo and Donatello, there was Demetri.

An idea for a game. A cylindrical apparatus commonly used to store liquid

repurposed for a mating ritual to be practiced by youths.

When the device is spun, the spinner must press his lips with whomever it

up pointing to.

This enables the spinner.

to reap the rewards of his ingenious design.

In addition, a more advanced idea, the three -pronged liquid container.

This will enable the spinner to get a group thing going.

Brilliant.

Okay,

I'll catch up with you guys. All right.

I'd like to take a moment to thank some of our sponsors for tonight's important

thing, games.

Games brought to you by cheating, the plan B of winners for over 2 ,000 years.

Games brought to you by water polo, the only sport that lets you pee and play at

the same time.

Also brought to you by NASCAR, the most exciting version of traffic.

Thank you, sponsors.

Important things, things.

Things coming soon from the important things store.

First up, the design for a piñata.

A more defiant piñata.

It's in the shape of the word rules.

So when somebody hits it, candy comes out. But they also feel rebellious.

You know, it's like rules are made to be broken like the piñata is. There's also

a Spanish version.

Reglas were made to be roto or something.

Next up, it's the design for a bowling ball.

You know, this is a standard bowling ball.

This one's wider.

Way better.

This is good for a beginner or anyone who just wants to knock over more pins,

which is pretty much everyone.

Bam. Because of the width.

Probably going to be outlawed, but it's awesome.

This is designed for a change machine.

A standard change machine is boring.

This one's way more exciting. It's for winners.

Now you're not just getting change.

More like winning money in the same amount you had.

Yes.

Winner.

There's a game in life that everybody plays pretty much from when they're a

It's when you come home and you take your shoes off without using your hands.

You know what I mean? You use like one foot on the heel of the other and you

push the shoe off and then even the sock.

Well, I want to try a harder game, which is to do the opposite of that. I'm

going to try to put my socks and shoes on using only my feet.

Okay, if you guys are ready, here goes.

Deep breath.

Okay, all right, I got that.

Let me see, like, wait, wait, yeah, okay, there we go.

And now just, yeah.

And yeah, okay.

Wait, uh, got it.