Original subtitles

Thank you.

Hi. Welcome to Important Things.

I'm Demetri Martin.

Tonight's important thing is coolness.

Coolness. Very important. Okay.

So many ways to cover coolness. What should we start with?

Jokes, jump over the audience on a motorcycle, or tell a sad story and just

leave.

Let's go with jokes.

If you're like in a music group, it's cool at the end to smash your

That looks so badass, you know?

It's harder if you're in an acapella group, though.

The best thing they can do is just, like, punch each other in the mouth and

show's over.

Oh, this is a hard -ass acapella group.

I learned that if you want to get out of a conversation, like at a party or

something, but I want to be cool about it, you can't just, like, walk away.

That's rude, you know?

All you do is announce the next thing that you're going to do.

Then you're free to go.

Really? That was your first summer job?

I'm going to get some potato chips.

And you're free.

Really? That's your grandmother's middle name?

I'm going to go walk in a circle.

No problem.

The best is, oh, I got to go to the bathroom. I'm sorry. Yeah, I can't stay

because my bladder is kind of forcing me out of this conversation.

Okay, I'll see you.

I did that once, and I got a couple steps away, and then I got into a more

interesting conversation over here.

But then I made eye contact with the first guy, and he looked at me like...

So I had to pee in my pants.

Huh? You thought I was lying. What's that?

I think a cool thing to do would be to go to a party, and when people say, what

do you do?

Say, I make business cards for a living.

And then pull one out that says, see?

I think sword swallowing would look way cooler if when the guy pulled the sword

out, there was a piece of food on the tip of it.

This guy's good. Looks like he had corn or something.

Strobe lights cause seizures in some people.

And we still have strobe lights.

How did that work out?

Look, I understand you might swallow your tongue, but these guidos need to

party.

Hoodwinkers, are you thinking to hoodwink someone?

Uh, yes, I guess you could say that.

All right, then.

Are you trying to end a relationship while still making it seem like it's not

you who was doing it, but instead the other person?

Uh, no.

Are you trying to appear more attractive to a man or a woman in whom you're

sexually interested?

Yes, I am. First date?

Yes. And how much cooler do you need to appear?

I'm not sure.

Well, how many comic books do you own?

Well, does that include graphic novels?

Great. I've got all the information we need. Okay.

See you guys Friday.

How will I know it's you guys? You'll know. Just play along.

Gary?

April? Yeah?

You look hot.

Like, I would make a screensaver out of how hot you are.

What were you saying?

Yeah.

You know, Mr. Gibson, it is such an honor to have you dining with us again.

We have a new play coming along.

Oh, you write plays?

Yeah.

That sounds great.

So my sister kept bringing all these stray cats home. It wasn't really her

fault. The whole neighborhood has cats. And we grew up with animals, you know,

birds and cats and dogs.

But now we keep them separated.

I guess that's what inspired me to become a vet.

Hopefully Justin Timberlake picked up our chat.

What's up, dude? How's it going?

Hello. Nice.

Hello. Real nice.

Go see mommy?

Go home and see mommy?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do we got here?

Let's take a look at coolness in more detail.

Coolness. Some data.

Glasses and pants have a very similar coolness value.

You see, if they're dark, it's cooler than if they're clear.

Not as cool.

Next.

Okay, it's easier to make something cool uncool than it is to make something

uncool cool.

For example, a lion.

Cool.

To make it uncool?

Easy. Add a sweater vest.

And human arms, apparently.

But to make something uncool cool, much more difficult. Okay, let's take a

stapler.

Uncool. Added skull?

Flames.

Switchblade?

What about lightning shooting out of the back of it?

And it has the ability to fly.

It's just cumbersome. It's not cool, you know?

That's just difficult to staple paper with, really.

This is a sketch. Yes, it is.

This is a sketch. That's right.

This is a sketch. Sketch it up.

Sketch.

Okay, just be confident. Come on. It was a good decision.

You look great.

Go for it.

You look cool now. People will notice you. You are cool.

You're cool.

Hello, ladies. Take a look at this.

Now, everybody, look at me.

Behold, I am the Dragon Man.

That's $8 ,000 I ever spent.

Yeah, it's real.

And it hurt like a... It felt good, too, though. It was like, yeah, like I'm

doing this, you know?

Like, forever.

That's so hardcore.

It's just nice to make a decision and be like, yeah, like, that's me, you know?

Especially on the forehead, like, all bone, you know? You're so great.

Yeah, I guess so. Guilty as charged.

Check this out.

I've never met anyone who would do something like that.

Guess you haven't. Yeah.

Dragon has arrived.

Hey. So, uh, how do you know Dan?

We work at the same temp agency.

A cool tattoo design is any

drawing that would also look good saggy.

Man, that bag of presents looks even heavier now.

Say... What is cool, cool, cool?

Cool is what? Cool is an ice cube on a round earth ball.

Of my balls in ice is cold. Oh, is that cool -ness?

And sweat ice bullets on a donkey's ding -dong. Oh, of these

tip -top nipple dip -dops. Hot, cold, hot, cold, cold, warm.

That is cool.

What?

Important things, things.

Things coming soon from the important things store.

It's a new kind of breath mint.

They're called alkies.

The mints smell like alcohol.

It's for when you're acting like a jerk. So if people aren't like, that guy's a

jerk or he's uncool, they're more like, oh, he's really drunk. It's totally

fine. Cool.

Next, it's called a jacuzzi dishwasher.

So you wash the dishes while they're in the hot water with you.

It's great because it's a way to be productive and relaxed at the same time.

it's really not that gross depending on what you ate.

Next, it's for when you have to take a shower.

Watch this.

Sometimes you want to take a shower, but you don't want to get your hair wet. So

you have to put on a shower cap.

But that just makes you look like a dorky old lady because you basically

upside -down garbage bag strapped to your head.

If only there were a way to take a shower, keep your hair dry, and look

the same time.

Well, now there is.

Introducing the shower cap with hair on it from Important Things Things.

Would you want someone to walk in and see you looking like this?

When instead they could find you looking like this.

Wow.

Plus, you'll still get that sexy feeling from washing your hair that women get

in shampoo commercials sometimes, where it looks like they're having an orgasm

or something.

And you'll never have to worry about drying your hair.

Unless you want to.

The shower cap with hair on it. You should buy one.

Between Michelangelo and Donatello, there was... D 'Amici.

Invention. Special shoes designed for a man.

They will give the man the sensation of gliding over frozen water.

But he will not need frozen water.

As he rolls on these wheel blades, the man will seemingly float across the

surface of the earth.

These shoes...

made from animal hides and tiny wheels, will also serve a second function.

They will help the man tell other men that he is interested in them sexually.

Yes, indeed.

Genius.

One of the least cool things in life is when you go to get a high five and a

person leaves you hanging.

I thought that was, like, the least cool you could get in a high five situation,

but I found a way to go lower by mistake once.

I was talking to a guy, and I guess he, like, went to wave to somebody or

something.

But I thought it was an invitation for a high five.

He was like this, and I was like, oh, we're doing this? And I went, bam!

And he looked at me like, what the hell are you doing?

I was like, oh, we're not... I'm sorry, I can't take that back. I could, like...

Excuse me. With the grapes. You.

Over here. Yeah. Hey.

You with the grapes. Can I get a snack, please? Just a grape. Anything else? I'm

talking. I'm talking. Please. Just a grape. Thank you.

That's not cool.

Dude, could you please just...

Take the grape in your mouth out of my beard and put it in my mouth not a kid.

It's not a kid I just it's a plaything of the grape. I'm not gay. It's just I'm

hungry

My friend wants to propose to his girlfriend, and I was trying to help him

up with interesting ways to do that, like a cool way to propose to a girl. So

these are cool ways to propose to a woman.

You could climb up a tree.

Say, hey baby, I've just found a ring in the tree.

Will you marry me?

And you're dressed as a bird.

Is there something in my teeth?

The ring's in there.

You feed the ring to your dog.

Then you ask her to walk your dog.

You go skydiving with your lady.

Before you go, replace her parachute with a diamond ring.

And she opens the parachute. Diamond ring.

She'll be very scared, but also surprised.

And then you help her.

You hold her.

And you prevent her from crashing into the ground.

And then you say, will you marry me?

You say, let's not get married. Psych.

You break a finger.

Then you have the doctor put the ring.

In the cast.

When she gets the cast off, you say, surprise, bitch.

We've been engaged already for three weeks.

Will you marry me?

Between Michelangelo and Donatello, there was Demetri.

A new design.

It is an outer garment to be worn by a man. A torso robe, fashioned from tanned

animal hide.

The animal hide is to be dyed black, so that when the man wears the torso robe,

he appears more dangerous and interesting to the female sex.

In addition, the torso robe is to be held closed with special intertwining

vertical metal teeth, some of which should serve no function other than

the man appear as if he knows how to play a musical instrument.

This will ignite the desire of the female onlookers and earn the respect of

men.

I'm going to try to be cool. I'm going to try to approach a woman in a cool

but by adding a challenge.

So Laura's going to stand here, and I'm going to approach her, and I'm going to

just try to be cool, and we'll see if I can pull this off.

So let's see if I can, like, pick up a lady, you know, keep it cool.

Here we go.

Excuse me.

I just saw you standing there, and I just wanted to ask you if you were