Original subtitles

What the hell?

The stagecoach is coming!

The stagecoach is coming!

No need to stop.

Hands up!

Howdy.

This is the third time this month.

You really should give the depositors a chance...

to build up their accounts.

Huh?

- Good luck. - Hey. I've got a job.

What'll it be?

You know, I would really love a gin and tonic--

slice of lime, cracked ice.

Whiskey.

Okay, Belle. Okay. All right.

Get out! Get out!

I could strike rich tomorrow, Belle. Lemme give you an IOU.

I am done working for IOUs,

and I'm done working for rocks!

Here... Here's a refund.

Zeke.

Why, Harry Bob Ferguson!

What a terrific surprise.

In all fairness, I must confess,

I've never actually considered you to be much of...

the reader type-- per se.

I need a big damn book.

A big damn book. Super. We certainly have a few of those.

But if I might, have you found that you've been more in the market...

for a coffee table, brunch display kind of impress-your-guests kind of a thing,

or are you leaning more towards a bedside

flip-right-through-it- before-you-go-to-bed number?

Like a chocolate?

Oh. Not another word.

I'd like to recommend one of my very favorite authors to you--

woman named Jane Austen.

This is a writer of just wonderfully exquisite prose.

And of course, as you can see, it's a big damn book.

Oh, Pride and Prejudice.

You're going to get more than a run for your money on this one.

How much?

Well, I think $2.00 is a fair price.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

How much for just the pride?

Well, actually, one does hate to break up the set.

All right. I got to test it first.

I beg your pardon?

Where is your outhouse?

It's in the back.

What'll it be?

Oh, I don't know. I'm a mess.

What did you have in mind?

Whiskey. What a surprise.

That there's the Ferguson place.

Let me help you down here, ma'am.

Watch your step.

Son of a bitch!

Are you sure about this?

Quite sure.

Well... good-bye.

And good luck.

Good-bye.

Two!

- Three! - Excuse me!

Excuse me. Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

My name is Lindsey Thurlow.

Huh?

The mail-order bride.

Which one of you is the groom?

None of us could afford a bride on his own,

so we all just sort of... Pitched in.

This is completely unacceptable.

My contract was signed by a, uh...

Mr. Clayton Ferguson.

He's in the barn.

Thank god. Ohh! Thank god!

Millie! Millie, come back here, darlin'!

I was only jokin'!

Women!

They're always arguing.

Right.

- What'll it be-- - Whiskey.

Hey, Ferguson. Is it raining out there?

I thought we was in drought.

Oh.

Oh, God.

You got a problem, there, mister?

Uh, yeah. These are my cows.

You see? They say "Phil's cow,"

and, uh, hey, I'm Phil.

They were stolen from me about two nights ago.

You must be mistaken.

I bought these cows last year in... Dodge.

Of course, you got a problem with that,

we can settle it right here.

- That's life, huh? - I don't much like being called a...

- ... cattle rustler. - I don't blame you.

- Take 10 paces. - Say, I'd love to, but I can't,

because you know what? I'm anti-handgun.

So, uh... Let's see.

What do you say we flip for them?

I said take 10 paces, turn, and start shootin'.

Those are cows!

What am I, crazy? What have I been thinkin'?

I'm a sheep rancher!

Start walkin'!

1... 2...

3... 4...

What comes after 4?

4 1/2.

4 1/2... 5...

8, 9--

Where the hell did he go?

I can't. I can't face another wounded teller with a workman's comp claim!

I can't stand it anymore.

He actually took the book to the outhouse...

and used it as toilet paper!

No more IOUs, and no more rocks!

What on earth were we thinking?

Why in the world did we ever come out here to begin with?

- Why don't we go back? - What?

Yeah, back. Back east. Back home. Back. Come on.

- You're talkin' crazy, Phil. - Oh, am I?

- Of course you are. We can't go east. - Why not?

- Because. - Why?

Because it's against the code.

- Exactly. Because it's against the code. - What code?

You know very well what code. The code of the west.

Oh, the code of the west.

Isn't that the same code that says, uh...

"The only good Indian is a dead Indian."

And "die with your boots on." Wait a minute. I got another one--

"if someone steals your horse, you hang 'em."

That's some code.

Hey, this is quite a code. Let's just stay here.

Admittedly it's not a very enlightened ideology.

But leaving would be like giving up.

That's exactly what it would be, Ben.

Giving up. So let's just give up.

Let's get outta here. Let's get ourselves a wagon master and go home.

Let's go east. What do you say?

I say you're bunch of gutless, lily-livered, yellow-bellied, eastern sissies!

All you done since you got here is whine and complain!

Now, why don't you go back and leave the west to the real men!

Well, actually I could have the books on the wagon really quickly,

and the cappuccino machine, you know is gonna travel like a dream.

Henrietta misses her family back east.

And maybe First National would hire me back.

I could take care of my girls, settle my IOUs, the house--

Wait!

We need a sign.

- A sign? - From the lord.

Actually, a sign would be terrific.

Oh! Oh, that's right. You need a sign from the lord.

Hey, Zeke, come on. Really, there's your sign.

When was the last time it rained here, huh?

That's not a sign. It's just rain.

- Zeke, that is a major sign. - I'll say.

It's just the wind, Phil.

Tough room, Phil.

Oh, dear.

That... That's a sign.

What?

Who's he?

Who in the--

Stranger?

Smells like whiskey.

Well, he's certainly come to the right place, hasn't he.

I don't recognize him.

Easy, slick! You ain't a customer yet!

Hands off!

"James H. Harlow."

"Wagon master."

Sure you're not hungry?

I don't eat meat... When I'm drinkin'.

Look, I know he looks a little unsteady,

but there's something about him-- something in his eyes.

Those are blood vessels. The man's a drunk.

It could be pinkeye. There's a lot of that going around.

Listen, could you go through that route again for us, huh?

Follow me.

Gentlemen...

This is the southwest territories.

We're going to start right here.

Here's Chimney Rock.

Over here's Devil's Gate.

No, no, no. This is--

Platte River. Now I know where I am.

Can't you just use a map?

I don't use maps, Earl.

Ben!

Ben. Got it all up here...

Where it counts!

That's what I'm afraid of. Can we go, Phil?

Hold on. Let me get this straight.

This dutch oven's gonna be our first campsite, right.

Right. Right next to the Pawnee nation.

No, that can't be the Pawnee nation. They're not that unified.

Pawnee'd be more like this here muffin tin.

You can't be serious, Phil. We cannot entrust the lives...

of our families and friends to this...

Drunken lunatic!

With all due respect.

Respect... taken.

Oh, mister...

I don't blame you for doubtin' my abilities.

You'd be a fool not to.

Been a drunk for the last 20 years.

But I know this land!

I just need a chance.

It ain't about the money, I'll leave that to you.

But you folks...

You need a wagon master,

and, well...

I'd like it to be me.

Well, I guess you're our man, Harlow.

What?

Thank you, Jerry.

Well, actually, it's... It's, uh, Phil.

You won't be sorry.

Oh, my!

Ladies.

We leave at dawn.

Noonish.

Hey, there-- there he is!

Hey, that looks like a wagon master to me.

- People ready, Mr. Taylor? - Yes, sir!

All right. Mount your wagons!

Wagons, ho!

Go on! Go on!

Wagon master. Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-hoo!

When I say "wagons, ho,"

that's the signal that y'all pull out and follow me.

You're going the wrong way.

Yeah. But be fair, Ben, we never told him where we were going.

Is this some sorta guessing game?

No, no, no, no. We're, uh... Going, uh, east.

- East? - Do you have a problem with that?

Well, I don't know...

It don't hardly seem right. I've always gone west.

Well, we're going east. Do you want the job or not?

Wagons...

East!

Come on!

Bye, Julian!

Gentlemen, gentlemen. If I could have your attention for a moment, please.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Now, as you well know,

the success of our transcontinental railroad...

Depends upon the success of the land rush...

scheduled for the 4th of July.

President Grant has made it clear,

if the population isn't built up in the west,

we don't get any more money to subsidize our railroad.

Tom, let's hear your report.

People are camped on top of each other.

To use their terms,

"they're chompin' at the bit and rarin' to git..."

As soon as they receive the go-ahead July 4th.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Mmm!

Before we count our chickens,

listen to this telegram from a couple agents out west.

"Have learned of a wagon train planning to head east.

Repeat-- east.

Five wagons in all. Possible trend?

Stop-- please advise."

Now, gentlemen, I submit to you, there goes the west.

I just hope it's not too late...

to give Washington back the $100 million.

Quiet!

Let me see that.

Will you take that off, already?

I can't believe my own father's a quitter.

Will you stop saying that. I'm not a quitter.

Really! Just because a man decides to quit...

it doesn't make him a-- you know.

Well, I guess it does, doesn't it?

All right, then, I'm a quitter.

But there's no shame in quitting.

This country was founded by quitters--

English quitters, French quitters, German quitters.

For your information, if it were not for quitters,

no one would start anything.

And buckle up.

- Howdy, Phil. - How you doin', Zeke?

Say, what's that wagon master fella's name again?

- You mean Harlow. - Harlow...

Yep. That's him I reckon.

It's been gnawin' at me ever since I first set eyes on him.

You don't forget somebody like that.

Why? What did he do?

That's the only part I can't remember.

I know it was something really good...

Yeah?

- Or really bad. - Oh.

You must remember something.

It'll come to me. You can be sure of it.

Maybe not.

Howdy, ma'am. I didn't properly introduce myself.

The name's Harlow.

I'll be your wagon master.

I'd say the jury's still out.

Pretty quick to judge a man, aren't you?

In my line of work, it takes no time at all.

I'd like to prove you wrong one day, ma'am.

Oh! My doll!

Excuse me, ma'am.

Yeah!

Ma'am.

Come on!

Move it out! Come on!

How many wagons did we start with, Phil?

Five. Why? Did we lose one?

Nope. Gained a couple.

Shoot, we're turning into a movement.

How do you like that?

I don't like it one bit.

Fix this.

Not now, you nincompoop.

Uh, J.P...

You know, they have just picked up a few...

... stragglers-- one or two wagons.

They're clearing out the deadwood for us.

Deadwood. Yes.

I'd like to clear out some deadwood from around here.

- You're dismissed, Smedly. - Dismissed-- Dismissed, sir?

Sir. I-I've been with the company 20 years.

Not fired, you sniveling idiot.

- Dismissed! Now, get out! - Oh, yes, of course.

- Wait a minute. - Yes, sir.

Take a letter.

I'm just going to use your pen.

- No, you're not gonna use my pen. - No, I'm not gonna use your pen.

Go ahead. I'll remember.

Address it to Mr. John Slade...

Somewhere on the high plains.

Dear Mr. Slade...

Something of great importance has arisen that requires your immediate attention.

Easy, Mr. Slade, easy. Pony E xpress.

I got a telegraph for you.

If I could get you to sign right here.

Unusual signature you have there.

Well... There's two more stops, and I'm done for the day.

Which way is Abilene?

That way.

Okay. And, uh, what about Denver?

Dead ahead.

It's been two hours, for god's sake.

Ben, there's a fork in the road.

This is a very important decision.

The man's got to use all his instincts,

get the lay of the land,

the angle of the sun,

the position of the moon.

Which way are we--

Yeah! Yeah. Yeah.

So which way do we go, huh?

- That way. - You sure?

I know which way we're going.

Wagons...

Ho!

That's enough, already.

"I know which way we're going."

- C'mon, Ben. It was his first mistake. - It was his first decision.

Let's just hope there aren't any more forks in the road.

I sure hope there ain't no more forks in the road.

That's the last time I listen to you.

Told you to wake me up.

- Are you all right, miss? - Oh. Yes, I'm fine.

No, you're not. You're crying.

It's the Fergusons.

They're driving me mad.

I've been staving off their advances since we left Prosperity.

Well, you don't have to stay with them.

You could ride with me.

Thank you.

- I couldn't, though! - Ma'am, you don't owe them anything.

Yes, I do.

My family accepted money from them in exchange for my hand.

We've got a contract.

Well, that's just not fair.

Oh, boy! Oh, my gosh!

What in the hell are they doing over there, anyway?

Oh! Well, they're lighting their farts afire.

What else?

You got one, Harry?

Halt! Who goes there?

Just wanted a cup of coffee.

I ain't never seen you before.

I'm the new guy.

Oh. Sure! The new guy!

Vultures!

Someone's gonna die!

Honey!

Where the hell's the river, Harlow?

- We're almost there. - You've said that two days ago.

It was a day and a half, Ben.

- My wife's dying of thirst. - Oh, no. I'm fine.

Look there. Two Sisters.

What?

Two Sisters. Sweetwater's on the other side of...

Did you hear that! Water! Water!

Yes!

Come on, everybody! Come on!

Oh, no.

- Oh dear. - Sweetwater, huh?

What the heck is this?

- This ought to be good. - Yeah.

River must have changed course.

I guess a lot of things change in 20 years.

- We trusted you. - I never trusted him.

- I say we string him up. - Hot damn! I get his boots!

- Go find a tree, junior. - I found the tree last time.

Last time?

- There ain't no trees around here. - Then I say we bury him alive.

- Go find a shovel. - Give me that.

Do something.

- Run, Harlow! - Come back here, now.

No!

- Water! - Look at that!

Harlow, how deep is it?

Pretty deep! There's a sand bar over here.

Oh, dear.

Let's go! Keep it moving!

Come on, now!

Wagons, ho!

Honey, please keep two hands on the reins.

Stop telling me how to drive!

- Move! - Yeeah!

That's it, Belle!

Come on! Come on!

Now, you shut up! I ain't asked you no questions.

You stop! Wait for me!

I'm gonna get you!

We're almost there.

I don't believe this!

What are you looking at?

Come on, now!

Ma'am, you people are crazy.

Crazy? What do you mean, crazy?

Because we risked our lives crossing a river...

instead of staying on the other side?

Because we have faith in ourselves?

Because we... we believe in a wagon master who gave us the courage and...

and the confidence to do things we never thought we could've done?

No. Because most people use the bridge.

"If river crossing any indication,

see little reason to worry. Stop.

Party seems certain to self-destruct. Stop.

Will proceed with plan, however. Stop. Slade."

Little reason to worry. Ha!

- Ha! - It's not his money, is it?

- No, sir. - I want those defectors eliminated.

If Mr. Bad-Man Slade can't do it,

By thunder, I'll find someone who can!

Yes, sir.

I'm going down to Washington to do some lobbying.

I want that wagons east movement...

monitored very closely in my absence.

Yes, sir!

- Well, how do I look? - Fat, sir.

Rich! Rich, sir! So rich. Fat-- fat with money.

- Jeremiah's on my side! - You kids cut it out now!

- Jeremiah started it. - "Jeremiah started it!"

Stop it! Hey! Come on!

Why'd he have to come along anyway?

- Because he's your brother. - Are you sure?

I'll have your mother turn this wagon around right now!

- Are we there yet? - Are we there yet?

I am warning you two.

- Dad... - What is it, Prudence?

I have to go to the bathroom.

- Why didn't you go at Dead Horse Bend? - I didn't have to go at Dead Horse Bend.

Can you hold it till the Devil's Skillet?

No!

Turn around!

Wagons, ho!

Buckle up.

Pa?

I think I should have... Gotten off back there, too.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, thanks.

You got a problem, kid?

No! No problem at all.

Thanks.

The map can't be wrong.

I know how to get to St. Louis, and this ain't the way.

He knows the way, Ben.

As I recall, the river wasn't exactly where you thought it was gonna be, was it?

- Phil. - Phil.

Well, Harlow, you don't put much stock in maps,

but I think we should trust the United States army.

- Why? - Yeah, why?

Oh, I don't know. I guess, because it's considered more reliable...

than a stack of skillets and muffin pans.

He got us across the river, didn't he?

That's right. He got us across the river.

Oh. the river-- let's talk about that decision.

Yeah, we should have strung you up back at the river.

Fine! You people don't listen to nothing anyway!

- You're just like the-- - Who?

- Who, James? - Yeah, who?

- Never mind. - Yeah! Never mind!

- Never mind yourself. - Never mind you.

- Never mind you! - No! Never mind you!

- Wait! Wait! - What?

- Now I remember. - What?

- Harlow. James Harlow. - Yes, Zeke. We know his name.

But he did something really, really bad.

Like one of those horrible acts against nature...

that are just seared into your brain, like a hot brand.

What was it?

Damn! I wish I could remember!

Zeke!

But I bet it's eating away at him, sapping his confidence,

clouding his judgment.

Hey look, I thought it might be a good idea...

if we, you know, took a break from the pressures of the trail,

if we shared our feelings as men with other men...

In the hopes that if we got some of this old business off our chests,

it might make our journey a little easier.

Phil..., what the hell are you talking about?

Just share something personal with the group.

You know, some defining moment from your past--

a joyous memory,

a broken dream.

Who'd like to go first? Harlow?

Why don't you start first, Phil? This is your meeting.

Yeah, it's your meeting, Phil.

I guess I could start us off.

I bet a lot of you guys don't know that back in St. Louis I...,

I used to be a surgeon.

I used to work in a field hospital during the war.

It was a nightmare.

Boy, we'd work day and night. We'd never sleep.

We would eat while we operated.

Once, there was this young soldier I was trying to save.

He took a cannonball to the stomach.

It was a mess. You can imagine.

After 18 hours of surgery, I did it.

Of course you did!

I never felt better in my life,

- until, just like that, the patient dies. - Oh, Phil.

Turns out I left half a Bologna sandwich in his lung.

That's enough!

Well, put a shake in my hand...

And made it impossible to use a scalpel.

- I've got a better story. - Go, Clayton!

Well, go right ahead, Clayton.

I don't know if any of you fellas remember what it was like to be 13.

You know-- the springtime of your life...

when the grass is greener, the skies are bluer.

You couldn't stop yourself from pulling the wings off every butterfly you saw.

Just about every time you got within 100 feet of a female,

put a little pup tent in your britches.

One day, I'm doing some chores for old lady Connors.

There she is, taking her nap on her bed with her teeth in a glass right next to her...

And her mouth kind of slung open.

I figure, what the heck. It's a free country.

Clayton, you can finish the story the next time.

This is the best part.

Mary's husband disappeared for two hours last night.

I saw her wagon rocking the other night.

Do you think it was she or the husband?

Oh, please, that woman--

Ladies, listen...

As long as we're all going to be on this trip together,

I think it's time we get some things out in the open.

Now, I've heard the gossiping...

and the whispering,

and if there's something you want to say,

why don't you say it to my face?

What's it like?

How much money did you make?

How do you stay awake?

- You don't actually blow, do you? - Blow what?

Constance!

Ladies! Ladies!

Oh, well, I'll tell you anything you want.

Uh, yeah. You, Henrietta.

Uh... my husband told me...

That the largest penis ever recorded was 4 1/2 inches.

Is that true?

So, Harlow,

you sure there's nothing you'd like to share with the group?

- About what? - Phil, I got one...

... about these dogs that were stuck--

Harry Bob, terrific.

Look here, Harry Bob.

When I was 10 years old,

I killed my best friend Tommy Hanley.

All the folks in town thought he died falling out a tree.

But the fact of the matter is,

I beat him with a club then drug him in the woods so's it'd look that way.

I have no idea why I done it.

Thank you, doctor.

- I feel better already. - We knowed it was you, Harry Bob.

- No, you did not, neither. - Yeah, we did.

- We knew. - No, you did not!

Actually, it's very Santa Fe,

with the conflicting earth tones and the primitive motif.

But no, no. The whole thing's a bit busy for me.

- How about you, Zeke? - Huh?

What does it mean, Harlow?

It's sort of a signpost,

a message to us from the Sioux.

The message is, uh, what?

Well, it more or less means if you can read this message,

you've come too far.

I can't read.

Where have you led us, Harlow?

Oh, shut up, Ben. Really!

C'mon, Harlow's instincts were right. It was following that stupid map led us here.

- Where is here? - Indian country.

- What? - Indian country!

Oh, great. Just what we need.

Oh!

You got to believe in him.

Quiet down. Quiet down!

I said quiet--

The man said quiet down!

- What the hell was you thinking? - I'm sorry.

All right.

If we're going to survive in Indian country,

we're going to start thinking like Indians.

Now, the first thing we're gonna do is take off our boots, and walk barefoot,

just like the Indians.

I thought Indians wore moccasins.

Well, Ben, we don't have any moccasins.

Excuse me, gents.

I actually brought a pair for summer wear.

I really think they'd just be perfect.

Julian will wear moccasins, and the rest of us will go barefoot.

Next we'll wrap all the metal riggings on our horses and wagons--

anything that rattles in cloth to muffle the sound.

We'll travel by night and hide out by day.

We'll make camp in an arroyo so that we're hidden from view.

No campfires. We'll sleep on the ground, just like the Indians.

I'm up. I'm up. I'm up. I'm up...

What is it?

Uh... excuse me.

Good morning!

Uh, you speakum English?

You've gotten us in enough trouble, Harlow. I'll handle this.

You want to shave a buffalo butt...

and dance naked with a beaver?

You speak English. That's great.

We want to travel east...

To the land of the rising sun.

Skip the euphemisms. I know which way east is.

What did I do?

No, I'd like you to keep it as a gift from me to you for your help.

Wow! A Colt .45!

Damn!

Son of a bitch!

"More steam."

"I thought I'd tell you. We ain't got no more fuel. We run out of coal two hours ago."

"You what?"

"Yeah, I forgot to tell you. I was afraid of what you might do to me."

"That's all right. We'll just tear this church down and burn the wood for fuel."

"No, please. Whatever you do, don't harm my church."

"Shut up, preacher man, or I'll set that silly hat of yours on fire too."

Uh, sir.

I told you never to disturb me at this hour!

I am so sorry, sir.

But we've been getting some reports that some of the homesteaders...

are having second thoughts about the land rush.

Apparently the word about the wagon train is spreading.

What about that wagon train, sir? Slade has not been very effective.

Fortunately, I have a backup plan.

Ahh!

And they should be just about there.

So what brought you out west, Julian?

Oh, the men. I just heard it was chock-full of them.

The men? Oh, yeah. I get it.

I guess 'cause men read more books than women, right?

Y-Yes.

Here you go, Millie, darlin'.

Ah, that's great. Thanks.

Hell. Look at you, Julian.

What did you see, a mermaid?

Cold water usually does the opposite to me.

Harlow, you've been so good to me.

Just doing my job, ma'am.

Listen...

I was thinking.

Maybe you'd like to come to my wagon tonight, and...

we can talk...

Or something.

Ma'am, I'd--

I'd--

Did I say something wrong?

No. No, ma'am. You didn't say anything wrong.

It's just that-- well, you see--

Fact is, I don't get paid till St. Louis.

As much as I'd like to,

I just can't right now.

But I will when I can...

- When I have what I don't have now. - What?

Well, I didn't mean--

as if I'd consider it, you-- you...

- You gimpy old drunk! - Ma'am?

Mount up!

Wagons, ho!

No, wait. I'm Harlow.

You were Harlow last time.

Hey, you know something?

Whatever we are to the world, we're heroes to them.

- You can be Phil. - No way!

I'd rather be Harry Bob than Phil.

- Want to be Harry Bob then? - Okay.

Let's go! Come on!

- Belle. - Harlow.

I'd just like to apologize for the other day.

- I don't know why-- - Oh, no, no. No, Harlow.

It's me that should apologize.

I had no cause to get righteous on you like that. I mean...

I mean, it's what I've done for the past five years.

Well, we've all done things in the past we're not proud of.

At least I know I have.

I'd just like to say that, uh...

No, no, no. Harlow, it's okay.

Ma'am, I would like to say it...

Because you deserve it, ma'am.

I'd just like to say that I don't think of you as...

As just a whore.

Oh, Harlow. That's so sweet.

Thank you, ma'am.

Good evening to you.

Constance? Phil?

I finally figured out where I knowed him from!

Wait, I want to hear. Hi, constance.

Hi.

This better be good.

I met him in Fort Bridger back in '46.

He was wagon master for a certain party going to California.

- What party? - Damn if I can remember.

Zeke, you're killing me.

I keep thinking of reindeer.

Reindeer? You mean, like Dancer and Prancer?

Nope. Name some more.

Uh... Donner and Blitzen.

That's it! The Blitzen party.

- The Donner party? - The Donner party?

Oh, yeah. That's it.

The worst wagon train disaster in history,

where all those people froze to death in the sierras?

And they say those that survived...

Well, let's just say when they had their friends for dinner--

they had their friends for dinner.

I hired the wagon master...

from the Donner party.

So, now... If he survived--

- Do you suppose he had to eat-- - Zeke!

I knew it the minute he said he didn't eat meat.

Ben! Look...

Those were very extreme conditions, right?

I mean, who knows how any one of us would've survived...

- all that snow, right? - Right.

So, I say we just keep this amongst ourselves.

There's no sense in alarming the others.

- What about me? I'm alarmed. - There's nothing to worry about.

- Unless of course it snows. - For Christ's sake, Zeke.

It's June! Shh!

Oh, my.

Looks like Christmas came a little early this year, Phil.

Jesus! Must be a... Must be a freak storm, huh?

Hey. Hey, Zeke.

I know what you're thinking.

Stop it! It's crazy!

I can't-- I can't believe it!

I can't believe--

It's-- it's snowing!

We're marooned!

Ben, you're overreacting.

Hey, where's he going?

How do I know? Maybe to shoot a little game.

Oh, my god!

There's no reason to get crazy. Harlow's our friend.

They were all friends at Donner Pass.

Oh, my go--

Get a doctor!

I am a doctor.

Come and get it! Come and get it!

Food!

Get out of my way!

The meat will be ready in one more minute.

I like it rare!

- Where did you get this anyway? - Harlow!

- Oh, how nice. - Me and my brother we got dibs on the rump.

- Where the hell is he anyway? - I haven't seen Clayton today, actually.

I'm so hungry!

- Oh, my go-- - Don't eat that!

Hmm?

- I'm sorry, Clayton. - You're sorry?

Whoever stole my Millie's going to be really sorry.

Oh, Millie. Super.

This is a very good feast.

- Hey, give me some. - Here we go, Zekey.

Bring it up now!

Eh... eh... What?

Mister, you look like you been blowed out of a cannon...

and landed on a barrel cactus.

The name's Slade.

John Slade.

Harlow. James Harlow.

Slade. That name sounds real familiar.

Let's not start that again, Zeke, huh?

1, 2, 3, 4,

5, 6, 7, 8,

9, 10, 11, 12.

Hey.

- Bastard! - Could be.

Don't know if my ma and pa were married.

Killed my pa before I could ask.

Mr. Slade.

Hi.

Phil Taylor.

Uh...

Pioneer.

Listen. Boy... How did we come to this, huh?

You're counting your bullets, and we're, uh, saying our prayers.

This happened so fast, you know?

I mean, what if you, uh...

You know, you took a moment for yourself,

you know, like a time-out, if you will? Huh?

You know, you think about maybe saying,

"Hey, maybe I don't want to plug these guys in the back of the head."

I like you, Phil.

I like you, too, Slade. Very much.

Tell you what...

I'm going to shoot you first...

And save you all that, uh...

Painful anticipating.

Pa!

Okay, stud.

Ease the hammer back nice and slow... and give me the weapon.

Julian.

That Julian?

The name's Slade.

Oh, super.

Here's an idea then...

Why don't you spell it out for me so I can get it right on your tombstone.

Your move, sissy boy.

Sissy boy? Oh, please. That is so Dodge City.

You're gonna die slow... Real slow.

All right.

What was that?

- The warning shot. - Warning shot?

You think a warning shot's going to scare me?

It should. It's actually lodged about 6 inches in your tummy.

Hmm?

Wow!

- You're good. - I know.

I hear that all the time. Listen, pumpkin,

you've really got to get yourself some medical attention.

Those gunshots have the nastiest a tendency to fester.

And I'm really sorry we had to meet this way.

Son of a gun!

Happy Valentine's Day.

Yeah!

Slice, slice, slice... And lift.

Shit!

Everybody is going on about this wagons east movement.

There's rumors of crop failure and cholera, rustlers and Indians.

They're teetering on the edge. I think we might lose 'em.

- I'll talk to them. - I tried, sir. They just won't listen.

Now with Slade dead and your backup--

whatever happened to your big backup plan?

Oh, who the hell knows? They're probably dead drunk in some cow town some place.

No more amateurs. I'm calling in the cavalry.

Great, great!

Who would that be, sir?

Oh, it's a group of men on horseback...

who wear blue uniforms and yellow scarves and sabers and guns.

Don't you know who the United States Cavalry is?

Of course, I do, sir. I just thought you were using a figure of speech,

which, of course, you're not.

Hey, it's Big Snake!

Big Snake, what'd you see?

Over here.

- Well? - Bad news. Big trouble.

Let's just keep that to ourselves.

- So what's news? - Cavalry's coming.

They come to stop you.

Come to stop us?

Now what sense does that make? That's ridiculous. Come on.

My hunch is this-- that big land rush they got coming up on the 4th of July...

I don't think they don't want us spoiling their fireworks.

But we're so close to... St. Louis.

All the more reason not to chance it.

All right. Listen. Listen.

I say we all move on.

- Who's wagon master here? - We hired you. We can overrule you.

I'm telling ya, I've got a bad feeling about this.

The same bad feeling you had when you led the Donner party?

The Donner party? Hello.

I don't get it. Who are the Donners?

Harlow was the wagon master for the Donner party...

Before he became a vegetarian.

Weren't you, Harlow?

- Ain't that right, Phil? - Thanks, Ben. Thanks very much.

It's a little unfair. You can't condemn a man based on Zeke's memory.

- What memory? - Tell them it ain't so, Harlow.

Yeah, tell him. Tell him.

Harlow!

Harlow, what's wrong? Where you going?

Harlow!

It was so stupid. You scared everybody.

That is enough! Stop it. Stop it. Shh!

- The calvary. - It's "cavalry".

I go first. I go first. These are lieutenant bars, mister.

What do they want? What did we do?

- Hi, lieutenant. - Yeah. Hello.

As of 0800 this morning,

this assembly has been officially classified...

As a federal insur--

--rection.

I have orders from general William H. Larchmont...

to instruct you to either turn back or face the consequences.

What exactly are the consequences?

Your standard U.S. cavalry massacre. He can explain.

You have 24 hours to decide.

- Is that 24 hours from right now? - Uh, yeah. We'll give you that.

- Well, what time do you have? - What time do you have?

- 2:25. - Well, then, 2:25 it is.

Uh, have a nice day.

Nice seeing you again.

Let's move out! Oh, great. Nobody's listening.

- Damn. I should have said it was 2:30. - Oh, what's the difference?

- Well, at least they gave us the full 24. - Oh, like that really matters.

It's my brother. He's been shot.

- My leg! - My poor little brother.

- Oh, god! - My poor little brother.

What happened, Clayton?

He was right in the middle of biting off a chaw of tobacco when...

- Yeah? - I shot him.

Excuse me?

- Hey, it was my tobacco. - That's a good reason.

Anybody here know how to remove a bullet?

- Honey? - Phil?

I can't do it. I can't pick up a scalpel.

- How bad is it? - Only a flesh wound.

Aren't you going to help Mr. Ferguson, daddy?

- Come on. Move him. - Easy.

Bring him over into my wagon.

We'll need a lot of hot water and plenty of towels.

You done shot me!

What do you call yourself a-doing, doc?

- Scalpel. - Scalpel.

Here you are.

Scissors.

Scissors.

- I did it - Way to go, pa.

I got in there, and I forgot about all my fears.

It was like old times. The knife became an extension of my hand.

The blood, the tissue-- none of it bothered me.

Dr. Taylor, I'm so proud of you.

Uh, so my brother,

he can walk again?

About that, Clay, you know, these flesh wounds can be pretty tricky.

You know, things happen There are complications and--

You had to amputate?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

The leg is, uh, fine. A little stiff.

Now, that's to be expected.

Well, you know, actually, Clay, uh...

The leg is not the only part that's stiff.

Actually, his whole body is kind of, uh--

well, he's, uh... He's, uh...

He's dead.

But he, uh, he wanted you to have this, huh?

Oh! My tobacco!

Thanks, doc.

Harlow! Harlow!

Harlow!

Harlow... uh!

Sorry, sir. You were delirious.

You want to slap me back?

You're more than welcome to.

- Lieutenant. - Yes, sir.

- I was dreaming. - Yes, you were.

- Did I say anything? - Well, you, uh, mentioned Harlow.

Harlow!

You two have some sort of history together?

No!

Yes, yes, yes. Yes, we do.

It was about 20 years ago... when Harlow led the Donner party,

and I, rightfully so, appropriated many of his horses...

and most of his supplies for my raid on the Mexicans.

While his pathetic attempts at rescue failed, of course,

I rode on to glory and became a colonel.

They others, well, they froze and ate each other.

- Oh, gee! - Luck of the draw, lieutenant.

Just the luck of the draw.

But this is just the kind of thing that the press likes to blows way out of proportion.

Especially in light of a presidential campaign.

It's-- it's official, sir?

Yes, lieutenant.

It's official.

Damn that Harlow.

Thought he drank himself into oblivion years ago.

But no matter. I'll take care of him tomorrow.

The secret dies with him. No one else knows.

Except for me.

- Who told you? - You did, sir.

Very observant, lieutenant.

Very observant.

But now I think you have two choices--

use your head and accept a plum position in my cabinet...

Or search for your brains by the light of a candle.

Good night, Mr. President.

Good night, Mr. Secretary.

Are the men in bed?

Well, they were, sir. I don't know about now.

- Good. All right, lieutenant. - Tuck you in, huh?

Yes, sir. I think a bedtime story would be in order. Don't you?

All right, sir. Just one. It's very late, sir.

What do you want to hear? "Indian Joe meets the talking rock"?

Well, the colonel's favorite is the "Lone Pony on the High Plains".

All right then. Lone Pony, it is.

Hit me.

Dang. This boy can drink.

I need a few more customers like him.

Say, Dusty. You hear about that wagon train heading this way?

Yeah. A bunch of whores, degenerates, and murderers.

There's talk about them massacring settlers along the trail--

pillaging and raping like it's nobody's business.

They say they're letting Indians sleep with their women.

Well, they're going to get theirs.

There's a rumor that the seventh cavalry's going to wipe them out.

They're sending in their crackerjack general Larchmont...

to make sure the job's done right.

Let's have one for the seventh cavalry!

To the good general!

How am I doing?

Well, they're still behind you.

You know the last time I was on a horse?

At the carrousel in St. Louis.

And I was thrown.

The cavalry.

Oh, my god. Whoa!

Circle the wagons!

- Phil, I got an idea! - Keep those wagons around!

Phil, you know how white guys always circle in their wagons?

Makes it easier for the cavalry to go around you.

Why don't you square the wagons?

See. Then the cavalry would have to go in wide circles.

Square the wagons! Square the wagons!

Square the wagons! Square the wagons, whities!

Square the wagons? I don't get it!

Billy!

Billy!

Miss Lindsey, get back.

So this is what it looks like in here?

- How do they walk in these things? - Mmm, I like the heels.

Big snake!

- What are you doing? - It's filthy.

I'm hiding behind it. Get over there.

What do you think you're doing with that? Thank you.

All right! Everybody stay down!

Stay down! Wait for my command to fire!

And remember...

No matter what happens, no one,

but no one can take away what this trip has meant to us.

I did it, honey.

I got in there and I forgot about all my fears.

Dr. Taylor, I am very proud of you.

I didn't properly introduce myself. The name's Harlow.

I'll be your wagon master.

Julian, would you mind scrubbing my back?

Ever since that bronc threw me, I just can't seen to reach it too good.

All right, lieutenant!

Let's sound the attack! I want my big horn.

Sir, are you sure we really need the big horn?

Of course, you idiot!

It instills fear in the hearts of the enemy and saps their strength...

and turns their bowels to jelly.

Where's my big horn?

Souza!

Yes, sir!

Sound the charge.

All right then. Let's kill some people!

- To glory! - Charge!

Charge!

Damn it.

Honey, is that manual under the seat?

Go get 'em, dad.

They've squared the wagons!

They've what?

They're not shooting, lieutenant. Why... Why aren't they shooting?

Sir, these people aren't renegades. They're just settlers.

Fool. That's what they want you to think.

They're women and children.

- They're just settlers. - I ain't shooting.

- Is that Mr. Harlow? - Where?

It's Harlow! It's Harlow!

Harlow.

Harlow.

Let's go. Hyah! Come on!

All right!

Hope I'm not too late to join your little party.

All right, men. Let's forget about the settlers and shoot him. Fire when ready.

Easy, boys. You may get me,

but I'm going to take your fearless leader with me.

What should we do, sir?

Do? Uh...

Taylor! Smith! Have your men form a human shield around me.

The rest of you men, shoot Harlow!

General, sir, I'm calling you out.

I've handled tougher men than you, Harlow.

Lieutenant, shoot him.

I'd like to, sir, but I'm afraid my hands are tied.

He's called you out in front of the men.

It's a, you know, western thing.

A western thing, you say?

General, sir, I'd like to help you with your dismount.

Why, thank you, son.

You pack a pretty fair punch there, Harlow.

Knock one for me!

Go, Harlow! Yeah, that's right! You heard me!

Fix his wagon, Harlow.

Good jab.

Back down on the ground.

Keep your hands up.

How long do these things usually last?

How would I know?

I'm getting kind of hungry.

- Can I go play, daddy? - Sure, sweetheart.

You're losing him, Harlow! You're losing him!

Where are you going?

Good. Stay down. Stay down.

Whoops.

Would you like a vanilla wafer?

Here you go.

- I got it! - Yes!

Harder! Harder! Push! Push hard!

Okay.

Get up!

Yay!

Over here.

Okay, honey! Let's go have some pie!

- Harlow! - You won!

James Aloysius Harlow!

I knew you'd do it, buddy!

You have a seat, you big hero.

Today, we open the bounties of our glorious land to the common man!

So look to the west,

for therein lies your future!

Wha--?

Where the humble wagon...

- What is it? - Looks like a wagon train.

But they're... heading east.

They're going the wrong way!

Citizens!

- That look good? - My hair look white to you, son?

You come back and see me when you've got some mink.

If I get my hands on that little kid that scalped me...

- Look at this, dad! - Jeremiah, put that away!

Showed initiative. He'll make a fine officer one day.

It makes me proud to be scalped by a boy like that.

Listen to me! Pay no heed to those fools!

They're dunderheads! They're going the wrong way!

You've got to listen to me!

Land for the taking! Your time is now!

- Land rushers, get ready! - Out of the way, fatty!

Not now!

About time. Ah, well.

Smedly!

Oh, yeah!

- Should we tell them? - Nah. They wouldn't listen anyway.

But who knows?

Maybe it'll work out for them.

Wagons east!

- Harlow. - Evening, gentlemen.

Evening.

I'd like to thank you both...

For, uh, well, for believing in me.

We never doubted you for a second, Harlow.

Not once?

- Honestly? - Yeah.

- Oh, the river crossing. - Yeah.

And the fork in the road.

Oh, yeah.

The Indian camp.

- Uh-huh. - And that whole thing--

I got to get going.

Oh, hey. Come on. Please. Without you, we wouldn't even be here.

I'll tell you something else.

When I ride into St. Louis tomorrow,

I'll be thinking of James H. Harlow-- wagon master supreme.

We'll miss riding with you, Harlow.

- I appreciate that. I truly do. - You know what?

I wouldn't mind, down the line, uh... Maybe getting a chance to see you again.

I'd look forward to that, Phil.

Especially since I haven't been paid yet.

- We haven't-- - I thought we'd wait until St. Louis.

He could still get lost.

Don't you wish that, uh...

That this would never end.

Yeah.

But, I guess it's--

- Yeah. I guess. - It's over. Yeah.

- Unless... - Yeah?

- Nah. - Unless?

- No. I'd be wrong. - Oh, no no. No, Harlow.

I think I know what you're thinking, and...

and it definitely wouldn't be wrong.

- Really? - Yes.

- You mean... - Yes!

That we could go back and start all over again?

No. Definitely wrong.

- Or... - Or?

We can hook up and go north to Canada.

I hear it's warm there all year round.

Oh, Harlow!

Oh, Harlow!

Look. A shooting star.

Quick. Close your eyes and make a wish.

Well, what did you wish for?

If I tell you, it won't come true.

Quick!

What was that?

It's Clayton Ferguson.

Oh, my god!

Talk about your bad luck.

What do you figure the chances of that are?

Where are you headed, Julian?

Well, you're gonna laugh. But I've been talking to some people here--

and they all seem to think I may have given up on the west a little too soon.

What could possibly be out there for you?

San Francisco.

Come on!

So long, my friends!

Bye!

Remember...

If you're ever in my country again,

I'll have to kill you.

I'm serious.

Wagons, ho!