Original subtitles

I'm telling you, it was funny. You had to be there. We were there. The waitress

saying, Banana Boothy, not that funny.

Whoa.

Something seems different around here. You look like an animal that just been

danger. Let's hope this doesn't end with a lion lunching on his dinner.

Oh, no.

It's not danger, I sense.

Not danger at all.

My Michael! Mom, how long has it been?

This morning at breakfast.

Wilder, I trust you pulled your grades up.

Amanda, let me see those earrings.

Oh, did you pick them because they make your head droop?

Speaking of which, Rebecca, quit slouching.

Noah, maybe she's slouching because she's depressed about your hair.

Isn't she great?

Why do I get the feeling we're the ones in danger?

Seriously, is it that bad?

The way to get out and hang out with my friends.

Find out what's new. Don't question on who.

And who's after what's new.

It's a whole new thing.

In the pages of my magazine.

came to drop off Michael's after -school snack, she offered to stay and help me

organize my day planner.

You're in good hands. A trade publication once named my mom one of

organizers to watch.

I had to give it up when my Michael was born. When one dream ended, another

began.

Everyone can benefit from a little extra organization.

Exactly.

Like if Noah had been better organized, he wouldn't have missed that dinner we

had two weeks ago.

Shame on Noah.

Well, showing up to dinner empty -handed isn't much better, dear.

Looks like you got on the shame train one stop too early.

Great grub, by the way. I love food I can eat with my hands. You were eating

mashed potatoes.

Let's say we get back to working on my day planner.

Great idea.

Can I come watch an artist at work?

Oh, Michael, it's not art.

It's a science.

Michael's mom is the best.

I love her. Because of Mrs. D, my table manners have improved.

My eating over the sink manners still need work.

She makes me realize I should smile more when being brutally honest.

What? This is the ass nine. Somebody has to tell Michael how pushy his mom is.

No way, dude.

Mothers before brothers.

You can't say anything bad to a friend about his mom. You have to do the noble

thing. Make fun of her behind her back?

No. Force him to say something bad first and then agree.

All right, but making fun of her behind her back is so much easier.

The worst part about being a teacher was when they picked partners, because it

was always one kid that got left alone.

You always felt sorry for that kid. So now you've got to put that kid with the

two girls. And he does nothing.

He just stares up into space while they're talking about the giraffe.

He still gets 7 out of 10, though, because I marked him the night before,

there's nothing he can do about it.

What are you doing?

I'm taking notes from my article.

Being a class clown and where it may lead you.

From the looks of things, telling jokes to six people at the blurb. Sounds like

a warning.

Quiet. The comedian may hear you. You don't want to draw attention to

Excuse me. Talking girl. What are you doing? Are you writing down my whole

No, you seem to know it pretty well already.

What's this for?

I'm writing an article on Class Clown.

I had him in my third grade class that I wanted to interview, but he's still in

detention.

I'm going to read this article. Seriously.

Subscribers?

I have a pretty good feeling they're probably just going to skip that page.

See? You should leave comedy to the professionals.

That's why I have the talking stick, where it makes my voice nice and loud.

Well, there's something terrible that's happened.

I know.

It should not be this hard to put pepper on my sandwich.

No, for her birthday, I gave my stepmother a coupon book full of things

she'd never make me do. You mean like cooking and cleaning?

Exactly. But then she handed me this.

A coupon for one free day of babysitting.

This won't be so bad.

Your stepmom's old enough to take care of herself. Just put on the TV and help

her with her drawings.

It's not for her. It's for when my new baby brother -slash -sister is born.

Her way of telling me I'll have to help out.

Then to me, maybe the thing you should do is help out.

But I don't know the first thing about taking care of babies.

I have just the thing.

Meet the interbrat. It looks like an egg.

It's not an egg at all. It's an egg -shaped orb. You connect it to the

to learn how to take care of a real baby.

I used it when my parents adopted my baby sister.

Your family adopted a sister? Why have I never heard of her? I told you about

you, eh?

That's a sister? I thought you were sneezing.

This would be great. I'll connect you online.

Now, the program tracks how well it's rested, fed, and hugged.

I don't know.

You'll do great.

All you need is dedication and smarts, and you have both.

You're right. Plus, I'm good -looking. With a face like this, I'll be the best

introvert mother ever.

Amanda.

Don't you wander off like that again.

Kids, huh?

It's good.

See?

Beth laughed at the professional?

It means that professional comedians are better. I know what it means, but I got

laughed too.

Well, of course you did, dear.

But not everyone can be funny like my Michael.

He used to dress in his dad's suit and do impressions of everyone in the

How did that one of your father go again?

Take off my suit.

My little man.

Oh, you'll be one soon.

Michael used to have thin arms like you, and look at him now. With the right

food and a little luck, you'll get there.

Isn't she great?

With the right foods and a little luck, maybe I can be that great, too.

What's that supposed to mean?

Mother's before brothers.

It means that your mother has a point.

My arms are scrawny.

One's getting ready to bruise.

Must have been a rough night. Don't feel bad. One time to get Orby

to sleep. I read the same bedtime story five times.

Didn't help that I fell asleep every time I read it.

Not me. I sang half a lullaby, and he was out like a light.

That's impossible.

Wait a minute. According to the data, Orby is well -rested, fed, burped,

changed, and bathed. And I'm setting up meetings for the right preschools. I'm

not letting him get mixed up with the wrong orb.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a Mommy Me synchronized swimming class to get

to.

That's so funny, huh?

Just enjoying a slice of sweet comedy pie I baked with my own hands.

It's my stand -up routine.

See for yourself.

Okay.

Why do they call drinks ice cold? Only ice can be ice cold.

I got five minutes on that.

I see.

Chemical properties of a solid? Oh, yeah. I went there.

Why do they call them practical jokes?

Shouldn't they be called impractical jokes?

What's the deal with milkshakes? You don't shake them. It's more of a

process. Rebecca, these jokes, they're really not

good.

You laughed at them. I smirked at one, was completely stone -faced for the

and the third. I'm trying to repress.

Funny yesterday at the blurb. You saw. I saw people laughing, but... But

nothing. I had them in stitches, and these jokes are every bit as funny.

I guess we'll never know.

Oh, we'll know. I'm trying them out. At home? Into a hairbrush?

In the bathroom? On stage.

Into a microphone at the blurb. And you better not be drinking a smoothie while

I'm up there. I don't want anything coming out of your nose while you're

laughing.

Why do they call it a cup of tea? How did that letter get a drink named after

it? You never see anyone drinking a cup of you.

Whoa.

I'm saving that for my encore.

Mr. D just gave me a lecture about playing too many video games. At least

what I think she said.

I was playing a video game.

You'll wake Orby.

Let's check your scores.

Hmm.

You scored higher than anyone.

You could be up for an endorsement deal. Think of it. You could be the face of

faceless orb parenting.

No, thanks.

I'm doing this for the love of an egg -shaped child.

Let's take a look at this little guy. I told you he's sleeping.

Okay, Amanda.

You're such a good mom, I should leave now before you burnt me.

Then again... Not a chance.

Hello, Daddy's assistant.

Good job keeping the orb alive.

Oh, B -D -Dub, put on your swim cap because you have a Mommy and Me

Sim Classes app.

P -D -Y -L.

Oh, Mrs. Baby's heard about my comedy debut, and she put all my jokes on index

cards. She even changed the wording on some.

She's tarnishing my gold.

You're right. We should probably just burn them all, you know, to be safe.

Haha, you're always the funny one. Now it's my turn.

Batter up.

Mrs. D pulled a sandwich right out of my mouth. She said I was boiling my

appetite.

Boiling it? I was challenging it. That's what appetites are for.

Maybe just try to force me to eat some half -eaten sandwich.

Mothers before brothers rule still apply.

Just get Michael to say something bad first. It's our only hope.

My mother's having so much fun with all of you. Not as much as we are.

You guys sure you want around this often? I wish she could be around more

Well, I've got some great news. In order to make this all more efficient, DJ's

keeping it for the month.

Yay!

First off, you all need to stop lollygagging around.

The Davies train to efficiency is pulling out of the station.

Woo -woo!

So what do you think?

Woo -woo?

Woo -woo!

It'll be the best thing for both of you. Trust me, she needs you more than you

know.

Who was that?

I've reorganized your day planner.

Uh, where are all the loose papers?

Attached. Safety first.

They were loose on purpose.

Uh, who was just on the phone? I've also moved your appointments for next week

so they all take place in the same part of town.

You canceled my meeting with the head of MDG Music?

I've been waiting a month for that meeting.

Mrs. Davies?

Who were you just talking to?

Your mom.

You're having lunch with her rather than that MDG music guy. You need bonding

time. The topics will be how much chocolate you eat and that vase you

you were eight. You're apologizing and meaning it this time.

I need chocolate.

You do eat a lot of chocolate, dear.

There's my boy.

Hey,

why can't I see the little guy? Because it's mommy and me time.

I just want to play this little piggy with him.

But he doesn't even have toes.

I was going to use mine. Let me see the baby. It's my baby.

Hey,

Orby isn't green or melon -like.

You got a fake, fake baby to replace your actual fake baby?

Father, I can explain. There's no explaining this. You neglected the

lied, and dropped an innocent fruit. The watermelon deserves better. We all do.

Don't.

Haven't you done enough?

It's okay.

Mommy's not going to hurt you anymore.

You're not really going through with this, are you?

Why would I?

You heard the laughter.

There are ways that you can be funny. When you're nervous, when you ramble on,

when you bite your lip, or when you're just being yourself.

And there it is.

I wondered how long you could keep that in.

You think you're the only funny one.

Well, I can be funny too.

I never said you weren't funny. You say it all the time.

I mean, I'm not saying it today.

You can be funny when you're not trying to be funny. And you can be a good

boyfriend when you're not trying to ruin my dream.

I wasn't even trying.

The watermelon's asking about you.

Why did you do it, Amanda?

The first night, the orb seemed so cold and distant.

What if the real baby doesn't like me?

I thought it was better to let go now than get hurt later.

It's an orb.

Of course it was cold and distant.

It even said so on the box.

Batteries not included. Maybe cold and distant.

As long as you don't pull out its wires, you're mother of the year.

But I did almost pull its wires out.

And I have an amazing voice.

You're supposed to love me.

The only thing you have to do to get a real baby to love you is to love it

first. Well, feeding and diapering help too, but usually you can get your mom to

do that part.

You really think I can do this?

You are going to be the greatest big sister ever.

You sure are a sweet boy.

Yes, I am.

Now, let's go to the blurb and watch Rebecca bomb.

And you know how to cheer a girl up.

Come on, R. I only said what I did because I didn't want to see you bomb.

not going to bomb because I happen to be funny.

Just the two I was looking for. Noah, my mom wanted to tell you that she's

moving your desk in the hall. She said that you and Rebecca waste too much time

making flirty eyes at each other. What?

No way.

Rebecca, mom says that you're too young to be making flirty eyes at boys. Don't

want to get a reputation.

Well, tell your mom not to worry because there is going to be no flirting going

on here anytime soon.

Amanda! My mom wanted to tell you that she thinks she should dress down in

school. Dress down?

Her words, not mine.

And water.

My mom's bringing clippers. She says that shaggy hair is a sign of a messy

That is so sweet of her. All I desire is her help and support.

Then you'll be happy to know that she cleaned and de -stickered your

Cleaned and de -stickered?

Does she have any idea?

What it took to get the board to look that way? Every sticker takes me back to

time, place, or mind -blowing, heart -pounding stunt. Your overbearing,

can't -keep -an -opinion -to -ourself mother has got to go, Michael.

No, no, no. Not next week. Not tomorrow.

Not even in an hour.

She has to go now.

What about mothers before brothers?

That was before she broke my other rule.

hating before hating. Way worse.

Oops. I was wrong. It's the same.

So it is.

Of course, when I said your mom has to go, I meant go and continue being the

best mother ever.

Why did you lie about Wilder's board?

I had to know what you guys really felt. And since I won't say anything bad

about my mom, I was waiting for one of you to break.

That, and I enjoyed the ride home.

If you want me to ask you to leave, I will.

Get rid of her and I'll piggyback you home every day. On one leg.

Point taken.

And I'll pass.

How do the rest of you feel?

We're going to miss her.

Check it, check it, check it, check it.

Hey, hey, wait up, wait up.

Anyway, our next performer looks ready, and it's really not her first time,

because last night she kind of performed when I was performing.

And now she gets her chance all by herself.

Please welcome Rebecca Harper.

Terry D., everyone.

Thank you. Good to be here.

So why are they called drinks ice cold?

Only ice can be ice cold.

Shouldn't they say drinks are cold but not cold enough to be a solid mass?

Um, so what's up with hamburgers? There's no ham in them.

Well, there isn't.

Unless you make them yourself.

Ben's stick ham in there.

I'm just saying.

Ham and burgers, that is gold.

Not funny at all, but gold.

Why do they call drinks ice cold?

Only ice can be ice.

Did I say that?

Hey, where'd you get those jokes at the bottom of Bob's purse?

No, but I wouldn't be shocked if I did.

Bob hasn't thrown anything out since 1973.

One time, I dropped her purse, and it took me three days to clean up. I

practically drowned in sugar packets.

There are coupons for products that don't even exist anymore, and I think I

a map for buried treasure.

She saw a butterscotch candy stuck to my leg, and she said I was stealing it.

I don't know what hurt more, the accusation or the candy removal.

20 -year -old butterscotch welds on pretty good.

20 -year -old butterscotch, that does weld on good.

So I checked her scores, and they're through the roof.

What are you pretending to feed now, huh? A head of lettuce? A cantaloupe?

Nope, it's a larvae.

Daddy's assistant dropped them off a while ago.

So those scores are yours.

I didn't doubt you for a second.

You should have. And you were right. I am a great big sister.

I'm just about to read him a story. Which one?

The Princess and the Purse. It's about an evil witch who puts a curse on a

beautiful princess's designer purse collection and turns them all into

No spoilers.

I wouldn't be surprised.

Once upon a time in a magical closet far away, the prince... Seth set off for a

day of shopping adventure.

And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

Michael!

I've been doing some research.

And do you realize that if Noah took all the time he spent on cracking wise and

put it into cracking books, he'd be in his third year of college.

Mom, we need to talk.

We talk all the time, Michael.

Not like this.

I'm afraid you've threaded your last needle.

Where have I heard that before?

It's how they tell the contestants they've been voted off until you think

can sew.

Oh, yes.

My friends really like you at our home, but they prefer you not to be here.

I understand.

Your friends are jealous because they wish they could be as close to you as I

am.

Actually, they find you a little overbearing.

That's because they're jealous that they can't have their mothers here and you

can. Yes, Mom. They're jealous of our relationship, of you as a mother, and

because you're the only one who knows that they should live. And that's why

you're fired.

Not so bad.

I mean, you can still run other people's lives.

Dad still needs to be told how to dry places.

I have never been more proud of you.

My son can fire a person better than any son in the world.

Say it again. You're fired.

Once more with feeling.

Get out and don't come back.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out. One more time.

You'll never work in this town again.

Oh, my...

Good charity!

What's for dinner?

Meatloaf.

That's my little wah -wah melon.

You want to play a little game?

This little piggy went to the market.

This little piggy stayed home.

I wonder who likes this game better, Wilder or the watermelon?

Wilder. We're the only one who finds this adorable.

Yup. And this little piggy went wee -wee all the way home.

See? Now that's adorable.

I never understood why kids in grade six loved presentations, especially girls.

As soon as you say the word presentation, girls aren't listening

They just want to find a partner across the room and be partners.

If he allows us to be partners, we'll be partners.

Sorry, Julie, I already found a partner.

But that's how girls are.

The three of them stand up there, too. They just argue.

I'm not even listening to this presentation.

Our presentation is on the giraffe.

The giraffe is... I was supposed to say that. No, I was supposed to say that.

Sir, can we start over?

No, no, you got 7 out of 10. Sit down. That was actually...