Original subtitles

Noah, amigo, got some super important data for you. Right up here in the dome.

little fuzzy, though.

Might need your help retrieving it. You found a way to get more meat into a

sandwich? I wish.

You realize aliens only exist in movies?

As if.

Good news, journos. We have a special celebrity guest editor to this issue.

Please welcome to Teen Sensation, Zuzu Moon.

Hi, everyone.

Hi, Noah.

Don't you look good.

Let's go to my office.

Cool, Zuzu Moon is here.

Didn't she have, like, a huge crush on you?

Yes. Then she kicked me off her tour, angrily, and texted me for a month

straight, bitterly.

Right.

You know, that's probably what I was supposed to remember.

Hmm, perhaps.

Makes me think there's something else I was supposed to remember.

Something to do with my legs.

Running? Yeah, the...

Watching this time pass, no way to get out and hang out with my friends. Find

out what to do, to question on who.

I know that from what's true, it's a whole new place.

In the pages of my magazines.

My toothbrush, my ear. Big deal, Noah.

This is impressive.

You realize your purse goes with my shoes?

You need to know what kind of mustard goes with bratwurst?

No,

I need more minutes for my phone.

Aren't you on the I can blabber as long as I want plan?

I was until I downloaded a couple movies onto my phone.

Okay, a couple hundred.

My cell phone bill is $85 ,000.

Is that 85 with three zeros?

Obvi and typical. Daddy blows it way out of proportion.

How many zeros do you need before it qualifies as out of proportion?

Hey, do you guys keep saying proportion because I'm here?

You don't understand. Now I want to pay as you phone plan 20 minutes a day. How

am I going to survive?

You won't.

Unless you can find a way to sleep for 23 hours and 40 minutes every day.

Not as easy as it sounds. Trust me, you're in big trouble.

Okay, when I say it, it's one thing, but when you guys say it, we're in a whole

different world of things.

I don't need my phone at all.

I could last longer without a phone than either of you.

Ooh, challenge.

I'm in.

Whoever can last longest without using their phone wins.

The usual bet?

The usual Beth. I hope there's a trophy and it's a life -size golden statue of

me. I always like... Hold on.

You're plugged into the wild, man.

Dad!

Sorry, the little wild man.

What am I up to? I'm... Losing Beth, thanks for asking.

You'll excuse me. I have a fitting for my life -size gold statue.

Hi, Rebecca.

Can we talk?

I guess.

You do know I don't have a boyfriend for you to steal.

I deserve that.

Last summer I was mean to you for no reason.

Wasn't the reason Noah?

Okay, for no good reason.

Noah and I aren't together anymore, so I guess that makes it water under the

bridge. As is I. As who says?

I don't know.

Bridge people?

Let me make it up to you. How about we hang and I tell you about all the teen

idols I hate?

Sounds fun. You can come over to my house and I can tell you about all the

grammar mistakes I hate.

Right.

See you tonight. I'll bring my tour scrapbook.

Actually, you'll take your scrapbook.

Oh, grammar mistake. That is fun.

Are you kidding me?

Were you hiding? No, I was confirming my suspicions from a hiding spot.

That sounds like the same thing.

Ah, it sounds like the same thing, but the reality is different. The point is,

she's after me.

Like the guest editing, being your friend. It's all to get closer to me.

That's not true.

She's changed, and she wants to be my friend. I happen to be very friend

-worthy. She's following me, R.

Then how come you're the one hiding behind the couch?

What?

It's hard to feel like a man after you've shrieked.

For you, I imagine it's hard to feel like a man for a lot of reasons.

Okay, I know you're following me. How can you follow someone you're destined

be with? It's more like I'm walking beside you, looking at your hair and

smiling.

What if I just gave you a picture of my hair instead?

Oh, silly boy.

Who needs pictures when you have the real thing?

for my little love dumpling downstairs.

But you told me that we were going to meet up here. I seem to remember

saying we'd be late for the movie if we didn't meet downstairs.

Sepikin?

Deetikin.

You're so adorable when you're obviously wrong and can't come up with your own

cute nickname.

Or am I adorable when I listen accurately and put a new spin on an old

You're adorable both ways.

Nobody's to blame.

Hey, Amanda, how would you like to go to Summer Funderland with me? Tell a

handsome guy I'd love to.

Give me your cell number and I'll call you tonight.

Oh, um, no.

No? No, not no, no, no, like, not my cell number.

It's in the shop getting bedazzled.

You give me your number, I'll memorize it and call you for my desk later.

Sound good to me?

555 -0176.

Perf. Got it. See you tomorrow.

5 -5 -5 -0 -1 -7 -6. 5 -5 -5 -0 -1 -7 -6. So if it's 2 -4 -6 -8, who do we

appreciate? Then what do we say for 3 -5 -7 -9?

3 -5 -7 -9, Michael, because he's looking fun.

You guys didn't forget handsome guy's number. He was going to take me to

Thunderland. He'd probably just go to Paris anyway.

Wow. We're still not over it.

Why don't you just put it in your cell? You know I'm going to win this thing

anyway. I'll go down to a paper cup and string before I lose this bet.

I'll put you on my buddy list.

Amanda, it's for you.

I can't shake Zuzu. She's been after me all morning.

Yeah, yeah, Noah Jackson's so hot, every girl's after him.

I spent the whole night with her last night. She didn't say one word about

Yeah, but you have no idea what she could have been thinking.

She told me that she wanted to walk beside me.

Beside me!

It sounded a lot worse before I said it out loud.

This will make you feel better.

What is that?

It's tzimnach, a Ukrainian dish my baba makes.

It's meat suspended in a plain gelatin.

Isn't that Ukrainian for dry heave? Ha ha. It's quite delicious.

Mmm, plain gelatin. Certainly sounds delicious.

Look! Your mashed potatoes are shaped in a heart.

Maybe the lunch lady has a crush on you.

Look! It's Zuzu!

Do you even know what Zuzu looks like?

I'll prove to you that Zuzu's following me.

What are you doing?

The old note in the mashed potatoes trick.

Buzz. 6 p .m. I heart you.

I think the lunch lady would prefer if you just cleared your plate.

Let's make sure everybody's hiding at the buzz at 6.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a delivery to make.

Love potatoes for one.

You see, Daddy Assistant, adaptation is the key to survival.

You read that to me once in a fortune cookie.

See? I listen to you sometimes.

Oh, stop crying.

Tonight's Who Wore It Better pits teen buzz columnist Amanda Pierce against

Frumpy Gilmore. Be sure to text in your votes.

Oh, sweet temptation.

Daddy, are you watching EWOW?

It's like the news, but about stuff people care about.

Just turn it on.

Now text in a vote.

For who? For me. Vote for someone named Frumpy.

Please, please, please. Can you text and vote for Frumpy? You can't deny me

this, Wilder. Yes, you can, Wilder. I can, but I won't.

Done. Again.

Stop it. Done. Again.

No. Done.

Again. Good.

Done. Again.

Done. Again. No, buddy. Done. Again.

Done. Again. Again.

Don't deny Ms. Gilmore the victory she so frumpily deserves.

Guys.

Frumpy's winning!

Can somebody help?

You want to help Frumpy win?

Sure.

Done! Keep texting!

Done!

Doodle!

What have we here?

Welcome to Shepard's Park.

It's just like a real park, except if it rains, we don't get wet.

Aw. Because you know how much I hate it when my hair gets wet. Of course.

Okay,

we have everything we need for a picnic.

Blanket, wildlife, desk and chairs, fire alarms, curriculum guidelines.

Well, that does complete the illusion. What are we eating?

I wanted to make dinner.

You cooked for me?

No, I said I wanted to.

But I didn't have time. So I ordered from my favorite Chinese place, Walk and

Roll.

That's nice, too. Yeah.

I've got to go meet the delivery guy out front, so I'll be back in a jiff.

Okay, honey bunches.

Boring date number four.

Hi, Mom.

Yep. Boring date number four.

Good thing I ordered the wonton of tedium.

Yes, you were right.

The spark is gone.

Once again, happy you called.

romantic oh hello you hi noah this

is all very interesting i'm just delighted you could make it do you hear

sound it's love crackling in the air okay

where's rebecca she's running late and i'm running hot for you

is that fake Chest hair? It's not as real as my love for you. What's

is what's happening here.

I got eyes, Luzu.

And they only see truth.

You don't like Rebecca.

You're just using her to get to me.

The flames of passion.

Whatever. Can you tell Rebecca to meet me at the blurb?

She cut you off before it got good.

Yeah. What was that about flames of passion?

She doesn't really like me?

Can I borrow your chest hair?

I want a new wig for my turtle.

The new look.

Does it still hurt?

No.

Yes. I'm sorry I pulled at your dignity. I mean, your chest hair. I brought you

some aloe vera.

Thanks, but I prefer the shameful bumps as a reminder of my shame.

It wasn't that bad.

It's nice of you to say, but how publicly wrong can you be?

There are worse things to be wrong about.

I mean, you're kind of cute. It would be easy for a girl to have a crush.

Really? You know, hypothetically. Of course, hypothetically.

It's good to have an answer, though. Zuzu is definitely not after me.

That's obvious, 100%. Okay, no need to rub it in.

It's weird. I guess I just thought that she was pouring it on so strong that she

must be into me.

Thanks.

You're welcome, Mr. Customer.

Time to pour it on a little stronger.

She said she'd call me. The important thing is that I win.

I mean, that you guys talk.

Yes, Miss Davies, kids of Mexico love Kelly Clarkson.

They'll be thrilled with what?

Whatever you can donate of Michael's.

I am dying inside.

I haven't texted for nearly two days.

I had to use email.

What am I, a pilgrim?

Oh, poor baby.

I'm playing embarrassing moment photo tag with Noah. And I'm it.

Two days ago, he caught me scratching my ear with a toothbrush.

My defense, my ear, my toothbrush.

Must be tough not being able to use your phones while I relax.

By the way, I told your mom to donate some of your Kelly Clarkson stuff to

charity. Is that cool?

Not my bobblehead.

If not, you better call her. I have to find a pay phone.

I'm no number.

Ew. Oh, I bet that's handsome guy. I gave him your digits and said you wanted

him to call.

What are you doing? You already lost.

Doesn't mean I can't compete.

Yes, it does. That's what losing means.

Handsome guy's getting impatient and better looking.

We need to break up. Yeah. It's not you. It's me.

No. It's not you. It's me.

Yeah.

Okay.

It's not you. It's me.

Hey, Andrew.

Hey, Diane.

Listen.

I know. It's not working out. We just don't seem to have that spark anymore.

What? It's just not as, uh, sizzly.

Why would you say that?

Because it's true. Isn't that why you wanted to talk?

Well, yes, but I wanted to be the one to say it. Great. Then we agree.

You're dumped.

Yes, I am.

What? No.

I came here to dump you.

Well, then you should have got to the point, dumpy. How could I get to the

point? You stole my thunder, thunder stealer. Have a great fall, Humpty

Is this really the time to be clever?

Have a great ride home in your dump truck.

Hey, Noah.

Hey. Oh, no. Is that more student ads? I brought enough for both of us.

I think student ads is why restaurants have no outside food policy.

I'm glad I got to go.

Go where?

Home. I can't find my article.

Didn't you email it to yourself?

I'm not a thinker.

See you later.

Fine. That just means more student ads for me.

I'm eating gelatin.

A marriage made in heaven.

editor working hard i got you an interview with jk rowling no way this is

best thing that's ever i totally messed up i thought it was tomorrow but it's

today in 10 minutes where at the airport hotel room 914 you've got to go you're

the best i'm so glad we've become friends you're really looking out for me

thanks i am the best at getting you out of the picture

oh no i've got no time to gloat

Mm -hmm.

I'm sure the children of Mexico look beautiful in Michael's clothes.

Yeah. Hello?

I don't know why a man hasn't called you back, handsome guy.

I guess she's moved on.

Yeah.

You know, if you answer them, they stop ringing.

Hmm. Look who came groveling back.

Nope.

I just came over here to call you Dumpkin Pie.

Yeah? I didn't get a chance to use that one earlier.

Well, I may be a Dumpkin Pie, but at least I'm not a turkey sandwich.

Good one, Nerd Burger.

Oh, whatever, Prince of Dorkness. Bruce Head. Pencil Neck.

That's what was wrong before. We were too schmoopy.

Yeah, we have way more fun when we're trying to burn each other.

Banjo Head. No, I think it's more fun when I'm trying to burn you, Country

Dumpkin. Say it again. Country Dumpkin. Say it again. Country Dumpkin.

Say it again.

AR, working late, as always.

Oh, hello, Noah.

Man,

I gotta stop doing that.

When are you going to admit it, Noah? You know I'm right for you.

I knew you were after me.

Everybody get over here and see the real Zuzu.

Don't bother.

As guest editor, I sent everyone home.

Now it's just... you and i actually it's just you and me

if it isn't the little star journalist take the wig off there's only room for

one girl noah's life who's broken up with him and that is going to be me oh

yeah although for the record i actually broke up with the both of you mind your

own business i'm guard so you want to fight me oh dear

There's enough of a Jackson to go around.

Down my shirt.

Embarrassing moment photo tagged. You're it.

OMG, that means I won. I won.

Well, it was worth it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That was the guy I was so wild about?

Oh, that was nothing.

You should have seen the time a spider landed on his desk.

On stage one night, he went to do a rock star leap and split his pants.

I wasn't the only moon on stage that night.

Man. What did I ever see in him?

Kind of went overboard, didn't I? I realized that on my way back from the

airport hotel.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I think every girl gets a little nutty about a boy.

I just feel so silly.

Can I make it up to you?

Yes. You can be the subject of my next article.

A girl's guide getting over a guy.

In so many words.

How do we start?

Usually with a pint of ice cream.

Then chocolate chip? Totally.

Sorry I couldn't call beforehand, some guy. We had a bit of a competition going

on, which I won.

Yep, the usual, but... Both of us.

Both of me bubble at the Kelly Clarkson.

Well done, Viale.

Alien blaster cut.

Mediamente. Gracias.

Yeah, finally cracked that more mean than sandwich thing, Dad.

You just make the bread meat.

Beats it up. What is your name, handsome guy?

Handsome geese?

Oh, that was close.