Original subtitles

Well, Weezy, are you going to break a sweat typing?

I don't want work on my mind when I have dinner with Dad and Baba.

I've done the who, what, where, and when of this article.

All that's left is the why.

Like why aren't I invited to this dinner?

No, more like why would you want to watch Baba peel prawns?

Hey, Ru.

The all -you -can -eat shrimp special ends in 20 minutes.

The last time we were late, Baba didn't talk to me for a week.

Meet me at the car. I'm double parked. I'll be right down.

Take it you haven't told your dad about me yet. No, I've told him about you.

Whoa! Don't forget that coupon.

Already in my purse.

I just haven't quite told him about us.

Hang out with my friends, find out what's new. Don't crash me on you, any

with you.

It's a whole...

all over are lining up to get one. Well, not me. I'm rich.

So, what's your story pitch for the product launch?

I'm giving a free lipstick to every celebrity who tells me the story of

first kiss.

Piss and tell. Not bad.

Uh -uh. No story. No sticky.

Okay.

It was summer camp, and I was 13, and I woke to the dulcet sound of a boy

serenading me outside my window.

He had Usher's voice and Usher's ass.

I leaned out and our lips met.

It'll take a lot of lipstick to cover up that lie.

Fine. I was 17 and a boy in chemistry class tripped and fell on my lips.

Now give me my lipstick of shame.

Wilder, who dares disturb an artist as he creates the ultimate salami and

sandwich? A guy with a delivery from South Salami that needs your signature

it? You're lucky. Meat delivery is the only reason why I'll interrupt my art.

We signed your name as Wilder.

Haven't we met? I'm Wilder. I'm pretty sure the company wants you to sign your

full name.

And I'm Cunning of Salami. Seems like they're cool with it.

Is Wilder your first name or last name? Yes. Real name or nickname?

Yes.

Fine. Keep it to yourself.

No big deal to me.

Couldn't care less.

I've already forgotten about it.

Glad to hear it.

I'm going to find out Wilder's real name if it's the last thing I do.

I brought you back some shrimp.

No need. I'm already feeling pretty small.

Papa Faith didn't let you take food home.

You should see Baba's purse.

Moist towel left, ketchup packets, Lindsay Butterscotch candy. Secret

I'm sorry I haven't told my dad, but I'm a little girl.

I'm kind of chicken, which also is... Available in Baba's purse.

Okay, I'll tell my dad.

Just give me some time to work up the nerve.

Told my dad we high -fived.

These touched the winter butterscotch candy, didn't they?

Got it, Karina. He was a lousy kisser, you got angry, and dumped a smoothie on

him. And... Then your mom would give you a time out.

How's it going in the world of kissing up to celebrities?

My story is on celebrity first kisses.

Someone's kissing someone.

Good enough for me.

I'm just not sure how to end it.

I usually go with the end.

Sometimes I write I'm done, but that hasn't caught on. Are you done? Maybe it

catching on.

How do I end the story part?

Easy. Write about your own first kiss. People love that stuff.

Take mine, for example. I was at a local skate park when a stranger from another

block skated in.

She was wearing a helmet with felt beagle ears.

We were getting air in the half pipe. We met in mid -flight and our lips locked.

I almost dropped my hamburger.

And then?

I ate the hamburger.

What was your first kiss like?

It was so perfect, I wouldn't know how to describe it.

So much emotion.

I need time to figure out how to put it into words.

No, wait, that's exactly how I felt.

That hamburger was good.

Get to class.

I'm expecting a paper from you, and be nice to Michael Davies. I'll be working

for him someday.

Mr. Deedledork Disguise pays off again.

Flirting with the nine -year -old receptionist was a little much, but I'm

mission.

Wilder, I got you. Your full name is about to be revealed.

The contents of this file are for Wilder's eyes only. This file was self

-destructed five, four, three, two, one.

is dance partner?

The best part about my birthday coming first is that I get to see what you give

me. That way I know how much to spend on you. Oh, is that how it works?

With my birthday being later, we'll have been together longer and you'll have to

get me a better gift.

What are you doing here?

I didn't want you running out of fuel while you were typing away.

I know how you sweat.

Here,

it's from Bubba's purse.

More linty goodness.

Oh, you hungry too, Spikey?

Ooh, someone has some admirers.

Big man on campus, huh?

Maybe I should spike my hair.

So, got any girlfriends?

A girlfriend, well... With everything that's going on in the world. I'm sure

one ever even thinks about girls. What with crime, pollution, and the rise of

censorship in the media, what are we as citizens to do?

We can all speak up and tell the truth.

But seriously, Mr. Harper, apparently I'm totally undateable.

Maybe it's the prickly hair.

It does look like a memo holder.

Nah. More like a porcupine.

Hey, cheer up, little guy.

Every porcupine has his day, huh?

Oh!

And did you end with the story of your first kiss? Sure did.

I was standing in the rain, my clothes drenched.

The fabric was dry clean only, but I didn't care.

Suddenly, he appeared in front of me, dangling upside down from a thin line of

web. From under his mask, I could see his eyes.

Our lips met. And later, he saved New York from Dr. Octopus. I've seen all the

Spider -Mans, Amanda.

Now, why would you use a story for your first kiss that's obviously from a

famous movie?

I got it. I got it.

You're Kirsten Dunst.

Yes, that's it, Walder. You guessed it.

I am Kirsten Dunst.

Cool. Can I have your autograph?

Of course, Walder.

Wait a sec. You can't be Kirsten Dunst.

Kirsten Dunst doesn't know who I am.

Whoa.

You've never been kissed.

What? That's ridiculous.

All you should get from my story is that the Spider -Man people stole my first

kiss.

Daddy's lawyers are going to have a field day with this one.

I wish I had web shooters.

So, Rebecca, are we still

pretending not to go out so your dad won't know? Sure, let's go with that.

Or you could go with the truth. That one usually ends with your dad buying you

an ice cream cone.

Fine, I'll tell him when I get home.

Or you could call him from here. We have phones in the office now. I could do

that, huh?

Yeah, you could.

And so I shall.

I just want to let you know that I'm going out with Noah.

I've been for a while and... Stop asking me that.

Because I don't care.

Because it doesn't matter to me.

Mr. Harper? No.

Michael.

No, I don't know Wilder's full name either.

Michael's always been like a father to me.

You know what?

You don't have to tell your dad about us.

Thank you. Because I'll tell him over dinner tomorrow night.

What? No, he's busy. He'll be free next summer. We can do it then.

Noah! Noah!

Wilder, I kind of have a confession to make. You know, about what we talked

about yesterday?

Yesterday?

So you admit you took my donut?

The other thing.

Oh, the part where you've never been kicked? Kicked in the shin by a little

biscuit? No, that pony loves me dearly.

a reputation as a girl with admirers the world over.

The truth would ruin me.

I know what you mean. People think I'm this awesome thrill seeker who never

backs down from adventure.

And? And it's cool. Why would I have a problem with that?

Just don't tell people I've never been kissed, okay?

Your secret's safe.

I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this.

Lots of people our age haven't had their first kiss.

Lots of people don't have magazine columns where they falsely claim to be

authorities in both fashion and romance.

That's a good thing, too. You don't need that kind of competition.

Here, you can practice by kissing my sandwich.

It's not the same!

Not that I'd really know.

Of course you're still attractive.

Let the wild men make it better.

If this dinner with my dad is going to work, nothing can be left to chance.

I've called the restaurant and asked that they see you do so to my father so

that we have a perfect conversation triangle.

I chose a shirt.

We can discuss that.

Make sure it's green and non -threatening.

It's red and poses a serious threat to the world as we know it. You think this

is funny?

Try laughing at these.

Study cards?

Nothing can be left to chance.

Especially not fun.

Learn them, know them, live them.

His favorite movie is High Noon.

His first pet was a dog named Skipper.

Only you would make someone study for a date.

And only you would try to cheat.

To this, Wilder will be known by a new name.

Guy who cannot wit Michael Davies.

Hello, Big Wilder. This is Boss McGoss from the Afternoon Drive.

I've got some great news for you. Your son Wilder's won a trip to Hawaii.

Why? Why? Why?

To collect his dream prize, all you have to do is give me his full name.

What?

He's asked you to respect his privacy and he's turning down the trip so he can

keep his full name a secret?

What's the name of someone foolish enough to do that?

Hello?

Did you find an ending to your story yet? Yes, I think I have it. Great,

hear it.

Journals, get in here!

What? I want you to pitch it to your colleagues. Pitching stories is part of

being a good journalist. Besides, I'm sure it's great.

Hey!

Go ahead, Amanda.

Okay.

I open with the sweet and awkward first kiss story of Keira Knightley, Scarlett

Johansson, and Ashley Leggett.

Then I review the lipstick itself.

and then I ended by telling my story.

Oh, let's hear it, let's hear it.

I was in Paris for Fashion Week.

I was backstage when I noticed a Belgian designer's son gazing lovingly at me,

as he should have been.

He strolled towards me and we looked into each other's eyes.

And as he went to kiss me, I shook his hand.

There you have it. The truth is, I've never been kissed.

Unlike the masses, I appreciate the surprise ending.

All my readers are going to think I'm a fraud.

Your readers will be glad to hear they're not alone.

Some girls rush into this stuff, and before they know it, they've locked

with the clumsy kid in chemistry.

I'm a cautionary tale.

A cautionary tale who now has perfect teeth.

Thanks, DJ.

You're welcome.

They are perfect, aren't they?

But there's more to life than eating pickles right out of the jar while

High Noon.

What I really want to do is find a good bowling team.

I don't know if I mentioned it, Mr. Harper, but I average a 176.

Hey, not bad. I'm a 179.

See, Dad? A good bowler, but still slightly less good than you. It's like a

dream come true.

Right? Honey, I'd say if the boy can play the spoon, you two should marry.

Come to gloat that I couldn't figure out what your full name is?

Gloating is really more your thing.

What a disgrace. The Gotham column is everywhere.

We're not a group that disgraces easily.

This ought to cheer you up.

Tickets to filling on ice?

A copy of my birth certificate.

If it's so important that you know my full name, it's right in there.

If you need to know, then I guess you need to know.

It wasn't about me needing to know. It was about me wanting to know because you

wouldn't tell me.

Wilder, if you're willing to sacrifice the Wilder mystique, then I'm willing.

your buddy, I'll let you keep it.

Why are you tearing up my birth certificate?

I thought it was a copy. It is. My only copy.

I kind of want a driver's license one day.

You know, you'll have to give your full name in order to get one.

Yes, but it will allow me to drive a car.

A car, though, making popular with the ladies.

I call shotgun.

She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes. When she comes. She'll

coming around the mountain when she comes. When she comes. She'll be coming

around the mountain. She'll be coming around the mountain. She'll be coming

around the mountain when she comes. When she comes.

Yes, sirree, Bob.

Hey, do you know Camp Dad Races?

I can't do this anymore.

I'm sorry, Mr. Harper, but I don't have a dog.

My bowling high score is 26, and everything I know about high noon I read

online.

This whole night was about me trying to impress you, so then you'd let me go out

with your daughter.

What I'm trying to say is the

only thing we have in common is we both care about Rebecca.

Why didn't you tell me, Rue? I mean, I wouldn't have been mad at you.

I guess you are old enough to have a boyfriend.

Now, uh, if you'll excuse me, the shrimp is kind

of repeating on me.

Nasty.

Well, uh, that went pretty well.

I know. I was so sure that my dad wouldn't even like you.

I get it.

This wasn't about your dad finding out you had a boyfriend.

This was about your dad finding out it was me.

No. I gotta go.

Go what?

Nice work on the kissing article, Amanda.

It inspired me to make this little coupon for you.

Good for one first kiss with Wilder.

Someone thinks highly of himself.

You're going to have a first kiss sometime, and when you do, I want to be

And by that, I don't mean watching as you kiss someone else.

What do you think?

I don't know. This is all so new to me.

Well, a first kiss isn't something you just jump into. Not that. I've never

a coupon before.

There's no expiration date.

Is there usually?

Not in a case like this.

Save her when you're ready. I've got nothing but time. And a coupon -making

stencil.

Don't you kids ever mope at home?

May I?

Yeah.

Hey, don't be too mad at Rebecca for what she blurted out.

Truth is, she had every reason to be concerned.

So you don't like me?

I didn't say that.

She had no idea how I'd react to the idea of her dating anyone.

The fact is, underneath this adorable exterior, I'm pretty strict.

It's not easy being the dad of a teenage daughter.

I'm just kind of learning as I go.

You're doing a pretty good job.

Would you tell me if I wasn't? Absolutely not.

I like your honesty.

And while we're being so honest, I think you're all right.

Hey, if my daughter's going to date someone, I guess we're both lucky it's

But don't ever invite us out for dinner and stick me with a check again.

That really hurt me where I live.

Never again, I promise.

Okay. Good night. Good night.

You have half an hour until curfew.

Or I'll come back with spiky hair.

Good thing we only have to go through that once, huh?

You think my dad's bad? Wait until you meet Baba.

She's one tough cookie.

That's why I'll need a little preparation.

Baba's study cards.

Okay. Baba's purse is 10 by 18 and holds over two times.

Her favorite musical style is quiet.

Her favorite TV show is more social.

You know, a man makes many sacrifices in the name of friendship.

Could have known Wilder's full name, but in the end, I give up my dreams so his

could live on.

Or he could have been like the rest of us and never cared at all.

Ah, Noah.

Dear simple Noah, this was an act of kindness, an act of compassion.

It's becoming an act of annoyance.

Call it what you will, but in the end, I believe the moral of the story is that

I'm above it all.

Hey, Wilder, this coupon thingy, your full name's right here in fine print.

I guess I don't mind if one person knows my little secret.

That one person could have been me. Give me that thing I need to know. I'll

never tell, never.

Look at that, you'll never ride shotgun in my future car.

Okay.