Original subtitles

My article Eat Right Tonight is going to rock.

Oh, you get to write about nutrition?

I'm faked with jealousy.

Don't worry. There's at least one person who cares about nutrition.

You see?

Amanda's excited.

No, I meant you.

Like you guys have anything better to write about.

TV star slash fashion icon slash recording artist slash all -around cool

Ashley Leggett.

Okay, listen up. My gal pal here, Ashley, has agreed to do an interview

of you guys for Teen Buzz magazine.

Oh, look, I'm high -five worthy.

And apparently faint worthy, too.

You know, if you ate your leafy greens, that wouldn't happen.

Find out what's new. Congratulations on you.

And if that film was true, it's a whole new thing.

The pages of my magazine.

The latest buzz.

I wonder what...

One of us is going to get to do the Ashley article, and how are we going to

break it to everyone else that it's me? What? Enough, enough.

Sorry, guys. I can't decide which of my talents I want featured, so DJ and I

thought we'd give everyone the chance to interview me.

I tried for the all -Ashley, all -the -time issue, but someone said Daniel

Radcliffe needed coverage, too.

Since Rebecca is the only one that has a story, the rest of you will compete to

write the best Ashley article. Have fun. Oh, but remember, this is a friendly

competition. Got it?

Sure. Obvious.

Super Fantastic Land, the greatest theme park in the history of fun.

What are you talking about, dude?

Seasons past, whoever gets the Ashley article, losers chip in to buy it. DJ

said it was a friendly competition.

NYOB and attrition lady.

I can show off my bathing suit at the water park.

I can go on all the rides that end with doom. I can watch the synchronized

swimming version of Good Witch Bad Witch.

I can laugh at Michael watching synchronized swimming.

And I can pack you all nutritious snacks.

Game on!

Happy 25th birthday, Carl.

I've never even heard of this guy.

You can't throw Carl's birthday cake. The guy is a legend.

It's junk food and it's old.

I'm getting rid of all the unhealthy food in the fridge.

Oh. Okay, I'll help. Guess what? I got the first Ashley -legged interview.

No way!

Was she impressed by your journalism skills?

No, I called her first.

These digits were meant for dialing.

Happy 50th, birthday Carl?

They really have to clean out this fridge more often.

Once I take Ashley rollerblading, that season's pass is all mine.

I think she's so... Hey!

The dome says trash it, but the tummy says stash it.

can be the angle for my article.

I'll make a junk food addict into a health nut.

Are you in?

It's going to be hard, though, especially with Carl working here.

That dude is a cake magnet.

Check it out.

What do you think?

I think your underwear is two sizes too small.

What do you want, Shepard?

Okay, you know how it's always been my dream to be on Slebs and Schlubs? The

show where starlets and schmoes dance nose to nose?

It's also been your dream to make the world the largest pancake.

This dream just came true. I got on the show!

There's only one small problem. I need a celebrity dance partner, and I need you

to talk to your friend Ashley Leggett and ask her if she'll dance with me.

Oh, sure!

I do that kind of thing all the time. You know... I just got Ryan Gosling to

play kickball with the lunch lady.

DJ, it's just one tiny favor.

Like the time that you asked me to help you paint your house. You bailed and

went to Niagara Falls, remember?

Yeah, but I got you those flyers for those college painter guys.

Hey, what about the time I helped you change your flat tire?

I changed your flat tire!

Because you have better upper body strength.

By the way...

I am just a giant spatula away from making my pancake dream come true.

Dream on, Shepard.

Dream on.

Whoa. First stop to interview Ashley.

Are you feeling the fear?

The Wildman doesn't know the meaning of fear.

And many other words.

Anyway, once Ashley sees me moving at Mach 3, she's going to know she's

with a pro.

Hello, seasons past.

Do you like to blade?

Curse me and my need for speed.

Was that the weirdest interview ever?

Actually, that won't even make the top five. The last guy was a spit talker.

We can't let him win the seasons past.

He'll waste it watching synchronized swimming.

Yeah, you know he's already choreographed the whole thing himself

So where are you and your co -star secretly dating?

I've never even met the guy.

Actually, that was a joke.

I have a boyfriend, but my co -star's a bud. He helps make the show a great job.

I bet it's like you writing for Buzz.

Yeah, yeah, you can write jokes for Buzz.

What?

Um, sorry, is it still fun when your fans recognize your... Teeth?

Uh, it's always great to have someone say hello. I mean, obviously you don't

want anyone to start following you around or anything.

Yeah, I'll follow you around.

I'm not really sure if you're listening.

You just made the top five worst interviews.

Hume.

enjoying day one of eating healthy.

Loving it. I'm feeling better, sleeping better, sitting better, talking better.

Cannabis or grape tomato, they're low -fat, low -calorie, and they contain

significant levels of beta -carotene, vitamin C, and vitamin B.

Not to mention tomato goodness.

Wilder, you promised me you weren't going to eat any junk food.

It's not my fault. The cafeteria was out of croutons.

All right.

Empty your pockets.

Now.

Is that it?

That would be more embarrassing than my life.

Why are you wearing giant shoes?

Um, growth birth?

I have a problem, and I'm not just talking about candy that tastes like

Who wants some water, huh?

Diane Jeffries.

What? Slow down.

This year's Hunky Fireman's calendar needs a judge.

Right now?

Uh, well, it is kind of last minute, but... Oh, it's my civic duty.

Okay, let me see.

1 p .m. meeting, 2 .30, write editorial self -respect.

How to tell if you're desperate? Here's a clue. You'll run after imaginary

firemen.

4 p .m., Amanda's photo shoot with Ashley Leggett.

Jackpot!

How did you know the call was from me?

I remembered. I was banned from judging after last year's incident with Mr.

October.

And speaking of banned, you are forbidden from stepping foot into this

during Ashley's photo shoot or any other Ashley -related...

Just because 12 hunky firemen crushed your dreams does not mean you have to

crush mine.

Out.

Are you ready to come out?

Uh, yeah. Are you sure this is what you want me to wear?

Absolutely.

Presenting in Tokushima's latest collection, inspired by the classic

That's So Girly.

the designer sent us. Yeah, I kind of had a feeling when I did up the back

twist ties.

It must be from his French collection.

Garbage.

You're not buying this, are you? It's worse than the time I showed up to a gal

wearing the same thing as Trinity Slade's Chihuahua. I bet you rocked it

harder than that dog.

I'm so sorry.

What just happened?

And my photo shoot.

Woo -hoo.

Smile. And who again?

You get back here right now!

This is not over!

Hello, Daddy's assistant.

Is it in your job description to give wedgies to people who double -cross me?

Good. Two.

Atomic, please.

That was worth the atomic wedgie. Yeah, we got Amanda good.

It was like, kapow! She had no idea what hit her. Oh, oh, this is Amanda.

Hi, my name is Amanda. What just happened? Too funny. Victory lap!

Yeah! Woo -hoo!

All right, I'll give your guys one more chance, but if they don't deliver, I'm

telling my life story to Entertainment Wow, and trust me...

It's my favorite song.

OMG, I just got taken out with the trash.

LOL, BCI.

BCI? Yes, laughing out loud but crying inside.

Hilarious! Gosh!

I'll deal with you later. Right now, we've got a situation on our hands.

Sky Train was a great CD, but you hit Rough Diamond out of the park. From Bed

Made of Lies to Dresser Full of Secrets, it's 48 minutes and 22 seconds of

musical play.

Looks like I just met my next interviewer.

How about we meet tomorrow after I wrap? Let's say 7 .30 at the Blurb?

I'll be there.

Oh, and no spit takes.

Can't let him win.

Here's the plan.

Get Noah out of the way and we interview Ashley.

Deal.

Ow!

What was that for?

For your pathetic impression of me.

Hello, unknown caller.

Noah speaking.

Hey, Noah, big man. This is James Stetson, Ashley Leggett's manager.

Oh, hey.

How's it going? How's it going? I own a stretch slim on a private jet. How do

you think it's going?

Anyway, there's been a change of interview plan.

What are you doing?

Making manager's office noises.

Who's he managing, clowns? Traffic.

Sorry about that, Noah Jackson.

Traffic. Shut it.

It's doggy biscuit time.

The interview location is now Captain Splatterfield's, capisce?

The paintball place.

Oh, yeah.

Ashley's a mucho's big -time paintball fan.

You know, you sound like my friend.

No, I don't.

You're not yours. Call him on yourself.

I better go. I'm busy. Busy being a big -line backstabber.

Hold on, Mr. Big Shot Goof, sir.

I'm getting another call.

Hello? Hey, no, it's Michael. What are you doing?

I'm talking to Ashley Leggett's manager.

I am talking to Ashley Leggett's manager.

Hey, sir.

Sorry about the whole backstabbing thing. No problemo, champ.

Anywho, I got a rendezvous with my hydro jet. Later. Thanks very much.

Hello,

real Mr. Stetson. There's been a chase of plans for tomorrow's interview.

Ashley will be picked up in the Pierce limo.

Now, one way to beat your addiction is to think of healthy food replacements.

Like eating celery instead of fries.

Why would anyone eat celery when they could have fries?

Come on, just try it. One bite.

What is it made of? Is it a pastry?

Does it have cheese filling? No, it's celery.

You eat it raw.

Ross Trucker?

Yes.

So, if I apologize to the Fireman's Association, would there be any chance

I could be a judge next year?

Mr. October isn't letting the incident slide.

I see.

Okay, bye.

Wow!

It's Mr. Disco Ball himself.

DJ, I just wanted to come by to tell you that I found myself a celebrity dance

partner. That's a relief.

But I'd still like to meet Ashley. You know, there's no harm right now that I

got myself a slubs and slubs partner.

Who's your partner, Shepard?

Biddy McAllister.

The old lady from the automatic light switch commercial?

It's a snap to turn out the lights.

Biddy passed away peacefully three years ago at the ripe old age of 100.

She's dead?

Why do they keep running her commercials then?

DJ, look, Ashley's your friend. Why can't you just say to her, hi, this is

charming colleague, Andrew Shepard, and he would like to dance with you?

Because, Shepard, no matter how preposterous your idea or your scheme

always win.

Always.

And I don't. Oh, DJ, you are a small and petty woman.

And you're a bonehead dreamer. So I am.

Look, I see your point, and I'm willing to drop it.

Thank you.

What do you say I buy you a smoothie?

Sure. But I'm getting a double wheat germ booster.

Okay, and now that I'm buying you a smoothie, any chance you might

Where are they?

Now I don't have time to pitch Ashley my movie of the week.

Falling Up, One Boy's Story of Hope.

Ashley would play Hope.

Thanks for the smoothie, Shepard.

No problem, DJ.

And just for the record, I don't always win.

I just won a car!

Try again.

Half hour late. What's Amanda's little doing?

Taking a detour through Moose Jaw?

I was set up.

It was a paintball target.

Ashley's manager called me and said the interview got moved to the paintball

field. Really? The paintball field?

I only wish Amanda could see the look on your face.

Well, her limo's right outside, but she's not in it. She's not in it, and

not here.

Gah, Amanda set me up, too.

This can only mean one thing.

Actually, it can mean more than one thing, but I think it only means one

Come on.

Amanda's upstairs with Ashley Leggett right now.

Ashley Leggett is in the building?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. The boneheaded dream lives on.

Getting a glass of milk. It's just Morneau's favorite.

Not lemon meringue pie.

Aren't lemons healthy?

They prevent scurvy.

Wilder, you promised.

I was being good. I was just reaching for some carrots, but all of a sudden,

they tried to bite me. So I grabbed the pie to defend myself.

Wilder. Hey, look at...

why the firemen do not want you back.

Shepard! Oh, this is the cute teacher you're always talking about?

No! Michael, you set us up! Set you up? You set me up! Guys, guys, can't we just

accept the fact that you're all sneaky little weasels?

Although I am flattered that you went to such lengths to get my interview.

Michael!

Actually, it wasn't just about you.

It was also about a season's pass to Super Fantastic Wayne.

Well, it does have pretty cool rides.

Every ride goes upside down.

Payback time.

On guard.

I'm just not cut out for this.

This is so embarrassing.

A man of Pierce would not do to this level.

You will ruin the day, my friend.

Go get him, girlfriend.

Stop it. Right now.

Ashley, hi.

I just was wondering... Give me that...

There had better be another pie for me to throw at someone.

Uh, Ashley.

Hi.

Again, uh, big fan.

I was wondering if you would be my dance partner on Slebs and Schlubs.

Since I agreed to do this article, I've been spit -taked, dressed up in trash,

lied to, and now as I'm standing here covered in some pie, some guy that I've

never even met wants me to dance with him on a reality show?

No, it does pay double scale.

Yes!

Can we focus on what really matters here? Which one of us gets to do the

interview?

So what advice would you give to someone looking to change their eating habits?

Well, it's all about moderation. You eat well, but don't forget to treat

yourself once in a while.

People may blame the pie, but I say it's Carl's fault.

I never have to touch one of these pool -with -an -old -wake -on -it things.

Worst thing?

Rebecca gets a season's pass with Super Fantastic Land. And when she gets there,

they're just going to have to call it Land.

From this day on, Rebecca Edna Harper's name is what to me?

Is that really your middle name?

No, I'm just being petty.

Want to go to Super Fantastic Land?

You are on. We can show off our cute bathing suits. I have the perfect one.

then maybe we can check with the water version of Good Witch, Bad Witch. Wally

Monkett?

I'm mocking my knees.

In case you missed it, last night's grand

champions and $10 ,000 winners are celeb Ashley Leggett and schleb Andrew

Shepard.

Word on the street, ladies, is he's single.

He always wins. Every single time.

I'll get you next month, Shepard.

Oh! It's Carl's retirement.

Retirement cake.