Original subtitles

So, I plan to do something I've never done before.

Disrupt a study group. Off track.

Thank you, Alder. No, I meant that cloud.

Looks like it didn't carry.

No, it doesn't.

Oh, yeah.

You guys, show some respect. Rebecca's pitching here.

Thanks, Michael. Zip it.

Real journalist with a real story here.

Michael Davies, name dropping.

That's a good idea, Rebecca, but head office wants to see more articles on

romance.

We could publish my fan mail. A boy from Red Deer just asked me to his prom. It

was my first long -distance dump.

Actually, they want Rebecca to write a 1 ,000 -word story on the perfect first

date.

Now that's something you've never done before.

Find out what's new. Just question on who.

And if everyone's new.

It's a whole new thing.

In the pages of my...

Mackenzie trashed her hotel room. She screamed, what?

Hold on, I need to write this down.

Hume, just a second, my pencil broke.

Time to do your job, Rufus.

No!

No! Let go!

Bad, Rufus, bad!

I'm squirreling.

White light's beckoning.

Light flashing before my eyes.

I just hope I live, I'll be a better person.

I saved your tie, and that might have been a mistake.

That mistake changed my life.

Thank you for holding.

You have photos of Haley throwing her phone at the concierge?

Not interested. The new, happy -to -be -alive Michael Davies is out of the

gossip game.

Forever!

Hello? I just made a life -altering decision here.

Slow, dramatic applause would be appreciated.

Ask somebody out on a date.

I prefer the old school method.

Go and ask that girl if she likes me.

Go away, Noah.

I'm writing questions about first dates for a survey.

You're doing a survey?

Yes.

What? My name's Rebecca Harper, and I'm too scared to go on a real date, so I'll

make up some dumb survey instead.

Okay. A, that sounded nothing like me. B, I'm not too scared to go on a date.

And see, my dad won't let me go on a date.

When will he let you?

When I'm 40.

But only if I keep my grades up.

I got an idea.

This is going to sound weird, but what if you tell him you're going on a

homework date?

Is that your incredibly awkward way of asking me out on a date? It's one of

them, but don't get ahead of yourself.

Here's the plan.

You and I will go out on a date, but as friends, and only so you can get your

story.

Don't you think it would be kind of weird, you and me, on a date?

My name's Rebecca Harper, and I didn't hear the part about it being a homework

date. Okay, ha ha. Or maybe it's going to be weird because I'm secretly in love

with Noah Jackson.

That's it. Your history.

Your history?

Man, even your threats are nerdy.

Look, it's your dad, and you heard that you're dating.

Where? Psych.

DJ, can I talk to you for a second?

May I talk to you for a second?

Sure, but could you wait until I'm finished talking first?

Of course.

What's up?

It's my mom's birthday soon, and I need some cash to buy her something nice.

Oh, okay.

Well, how much money do you need? Put your money away, DJ.

I just want to let you know I'm being paid to be a human billboard.

A human billboard?

Don't worry. It's just for a day. Then I'll have enough money for my mom.

I'm sorry, Wilder, but you might want to buy your mom a card instead.

Teen Buzz would never allow you to rent yourself out for ad space.

Really? Because they just bought prime ad space between my chest and belly

button.

Did you see what Mr. McDean was wearing this morning?

I don't know if they were shorts that were too long or pants that were too

short. Either way, I never want to see his calves again.

You have now entered the negativity -free zone.

What in the world are you miming about?

Something I learned from this little unknown gem. Smiler out. The secret

to happiness.

I'm reading the chapter on how to find your inner fun.

This unknown gem has been on the bestseller list for 42 weeks.

The author's been on every talk show and the movie's coming out next week.

Wow. Naomi would be upset about being so out of touch.

The new me could care less.

I swear, Amanda, I'm never saying a bad thing about anyone again.

I bet you don't make it two seconds.

Well, that's longer than your skirt's going to be in style.

That was at least three seconds, right?

Give it up, Mikey. You are so not a smile or else kind of guy.

Hey, I'm still a work in progress.

Now, what one thing should a journalist always do before he or she starts

writing an article?

An exclusive spa weekend?

That's your answer for everything, including how to general Brock prepare

the War of 1812.

Never underestimate the importance of an Egyptian red clay facial.

He won, didn't he? Actually, he died in the third battle. Well, he looked great

the first two.

Yeah, the answer I was looking for is prepare.

A journalist can never be too prepared.

What if a certain article is beyond preparation?

Then the journalist should just wing it. Right, Mr. Shepherd? Well, there's

really no exception for good research, but if the person thinks they can handle

it, then, yeah, winging it could work.

It's like they say in The Smiler House.

Ready, set, go.

Mr. Shepherd, make Michael stop quoting Psychobabble.

I could do that, Amanda.

Or... I could ask you to respect the fact that my classroom is a negativity

-free zone.

Achoo! Oh, annoying allergies.

Forgive you.

I embrace you.

I love you.

Achoo!

Even though you're making it really difficult.

You are so not going to believe this.

I just got back from a fashion show, and I thought Trinity's like kissing her

new boyfriend.

Good for Trinity. She deserves love.

Problem is, she hasn't broken up with her old boyfriend yet.

Amanda.

Rumor only makes three people look bad. The one who said it, the one who spread

it, and the one who read it.

She may be living by a smile or else, but I have a secret for you.

DJ still expects you to file an article.

About a celebrity and not some silly book.

Rachel McAdams.

She's even nicer than you think.

You're supposed to be a hard -hitting gossip columnist. I did include the part

where she wasn't allowed to wear makeup in the 12th grade.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go up to the roof and watch the sunset.

Actually, as beautiful as people are always zapping about.

No makeup?

That poor, unfortunate girl.

Look what I bought with my ad money. A Dracula cape.

Mwahaha.

I thought you were saving to buy your mom a gift.

I still am. The marketing firm extended my contract for the week.

I'll buy her a gift on Friday.

Man, this human billboard thing is amazing.

You know, Wilder, when something is too good to be true, it usually is.

I didn't say it was actually Dracula. I said it was a Dracula cape.

I mean, this marketing thing. The Wildman has an ironclad contract.

As long as I advertise whatever they want, they have to pay me. Well, what do

you have to wear next?

A headband for a French clone called Luger.

Ooh la la, c 'est bon.

What did I tell you about something being too good to be true?

An L doesn't have to stand for loser. It could stand for lame.

How is that any better, Wilder?

Man, I'm such a loser.

And you have an ironclad contract to prove it.

Here we are.

On a date.

Homework date.

You know, this is no different than when we hang out at the blurb.

Except for the clean glasses.

And the long and uncomfortable balances.

What long and uncomfortable silence is?

Hey, I've got an idea.

Why don't we go to Mousy McBucky's Pizzatorium?

The Metro guy's dating called it a ton of fun. Not going to happen.

Really? Why?

I was traumatized at Mousy McBucky's.

Oh, I'm sorry.

How? I was a kid. He was a six -foot rat.

Once I have my growth spurt, he better watch out.

We could play miniature golf.

I once knocked my Bob out when I shanked my putt on the sixth hole.

I've never been able to look at windmills again.

Good thing you don't live in Holland.

The What's Happening section mentioned the planetarium has a new exhibit.

Nope. Got left behind on Mrs. Wilson's second grade field trip.

It was five hours before anyone even noticed.

Body system, my foot.

We can go bowling.

Ball slipped out of my hand, broke my dad's toe.

Botanical garden?

Tripped on a vine, landed in a patch of poison ivy. Go -karts?

22 -car pileup. That one made the news.

Could I interest you in our cheesecake special?

It's Brambleberry.

It's the human billboard's newest product.

Yeah, wolf stew, please.

The last time I bit into a Brambleberry, it had two worms in it.

No, two half -worms.

Check, please.

Homework date.

Right.

Eek. Totally.

Sure was... Lame? No, no, no. It just started out lame.

By the end, lame seemed like a sweet memory of good times gone by.

Well, I know what went wrong.

Me too.

It was all your fault.

Exactly. Wait.

My fault? How is it possibly my fault?

Come on, R. As soon as Mr. Shepard said you should prepare, you went all study

hall on me.

You sucked all the fun out of the date.

So what if I read some articles, bought a book or five, and got a membership at

makemyfirstdatespecial .com?

It was way better than you winging it.

There's nothing wrong with my winging.

Really? Who admits to being scared of a mouse on a date? It was a rat.

Besides, it was a homework date.

Well, then consider this a homework dump.

How's that for winging it?

Actually, not too bad.

Mr. Russ, can I talk to you for a second?

May I talk to you for a second? Sure, but could you wait until I'm done?

Man, you grown -ups are needy.

Is it ever okay to back out of a deal? Oh, well, what kind of a deal?

An ironclad one, where if the client defaults, the proprietor has a right for

repayment of capital already invested plus 22 % interest compounded daily.

Okay, all that, and you have trouble with Ken and May?

What's going on, Wilder?

I have to wear this for the week.

Week's not so bad.

Tomorrow's school picture day.

I know.

I'm going for an Egyptian red clay facial after school.

Um, maybe if you talk to the company and your reasons are good enough for

leaving, I'm sure they'll listen to you. I could tell them nobody's interested

in a cologne whose slogan is, one with, and she'll be yours in a jiff.

In a jiff?

You have any extra samples?

Curse me and my outstanding salesmanship.

Greetings, fellow human.

What? Are you wearing a man dress?

It's a tunic. My fancy clothes separated me from my classmates.

This garment says I'm one of you.

No, this garment says I should be making cheese in a monastery.

You know what your problem is?

Yeah, that my best friend is showing more leg than I am?

You need to go up to the roof with me and watch this sunset.

For the life of respect.

So does the mirror.

Look in one.

Who in your life was a blurter -hurter?

A blurter -hurter? A person who wounds you with offhanded comments. That is why

you feel the need to hurt.

It's in the book.

Now I need to put on some lotion.

This tunic is starting to chafe.

Michael, I'm not reading your stupid book.

You know, my owner said that when things are bad, be happy they aren't as worse.

I'm wearing an L on my forehead. How could this possibly be worse?

It could light up.

You know, me and you are a lot alike.

Except my feet are nicer.

Tell me, my friend.

Why are we alike?

And why are your feet nicer?

Michael, this is bigger than your gnarly toed feet.

This is about how I stopped being who I am because I got greedy.

And you stopped being who you are because you got nice.

We lost our beliefs.

But my beliefs were shallow.

But they were yours. Now you live by the rules of a book.

A book that only cares about making money. Take that back.

Smaller House is not about making money.

Really?

Cash! You were right.

I hope it's not too late to get back into the game.

Michael?

Actresses showed up at the charity care silent auction wearing the exact same

dress. Do you want the story? They practically dressed so I can write it.

First I need to go home and put on some pants.

Hello? This is the walking billboard and I am no longer going to wear this L.

You'll sue?

For how much?

That's certainly a lot of money.

I like this feature, Superior.

Of course I'll hold.

Man, I love this song.

Hey, DJ.

Hey, there's my girl. So, how's the perfect first date article?

First date stinks.

Well, you're only 997 words short.

We could use a super large font.

Tell DJ what happened.

I went on a date with Noah. A homework date.

And it was awful.

I had all these amazing ideas, places to go, things we could talk about.

And then when we actually got on the date...

It was like we didn't even know each other.

Listen, kiddo, I know what a bad date is, and yours wasn't that bad.

It wasn't?

Last Friday? I went on a date with a guy that was so cheap, he made me chip in

for gas.

Gas is kind of expensive.

He had a scooter.

By the time we made it to the restaurant, I had a million bugs caught

teeth. Ew.

Then he said that I couldn't jumble -size my fries since I'd already eaten.

It seems like I got lucky.

You did.

It just sounds like you tried too hard.

The perfect first date starts with two people being friends.

Once you have that, then any idea can sound like fun.

Thanks, BJ.

That's good advice.

Just something I thought of off the top of my head.

Thank you.

Smile or else for daters.

You guys have to come to the roof and look at the sunset.

It's like the earth has to run away and the sun is its top model.

Santa's workshop called, and Elf wants his tunic back.

Sorry, but this is a negativity -free zone.

Michael, why don't you go on the roof and join this precious sunset?

Sunsets are so yesterday.

Besides, two celebrities fighting in evening gowns? Now that's forever.

But I wanted to get to know the new Michael.

Oh, boo -hoo and hoo again.

Oh, how I miss saying that.

You heard it right, folks.

The old Michael is back.

No!

Nobody is going anywhere.

So what if Michael no longer has the attitude of gratitude?

And so what if by tomorrow neither do we?

For today, we're all going to go up on the roof and enjoy the sunset.

How's the perfect first date article going?

It's more an article on what not to do on a first date.

You know you only have a thousand words, right?

It's going to be a three -part series.

Maybe I'll turn it into a book, then a movie.

Emma Roberts will play me.

You will be played by either a tree stump or a bag of hammers.

Gee, thanks.

Okay, so maybe I did prepare too hard.

I guess I got so nervous and I forgot the most important thing.

I'm not supposed to pay for everything?

I forgot that we were already friends. I should have just winged it.

Well, then I guess as a friend, I should have showed you this.

The big book on dating, 101 First Date Tips.

So someone actually agreed to go out with you?

Yeah, I didn't exactly wing it either, in fact. I also have a one -year

membership at makemyfirstdatespecial .com.

One year? How many first dates are you planning to go on?

I'm not taking any chances.

Hey, you weren't the only one who's a little nervous about our date. It was a

homework date.

So, are we cool?

What?

My name's Noah Jackson, and I don't know when everything's been resolved.

Really cute, R. I have a five -year membership tour.

BeccaHarperIsSuperHot .org. You have a website?

I don't want to take her on a million homework dates until I finally get it

right.

That's it. You're told.

Oh, no. Find you. It's mostly Bucky. And he looks mad. Where? Psych.

Good news, DJ. I got out of my lose -your -cologne contract.

How did you manage that?

I just had to give back all the money and promote one of their non -profit

organizations.

I'm now the official billboard of Labrador's Ocean Saving Emergency

They're better known as Loser.

How is this any better than before?

Because this time I'm embarrassing myself for a good cause.

Do you think my mom would mind a Dracula cape for a birthday?

Sure, just throw in some fangs and you're good to go.

Ahoy, matey! Anchors away!