Original subtitles

You're kidding.

No one ever signs the first one.

There's always some adjustment, some language that doesn't sit quite right.

That's how I make the big bucks, Edie.

Rewriting these agreements at 200 an hour.

I'm not missing anything, right?

There's no alimony.

All of our assets have already been divided. It's just a clean break.

Absolutely.

My son's first hit in the league.

Well, not a hit exactly, but it's the first time he got on base.

He tapped this little roller back to the pitcher. The kid threw it away.

By the time they got the ball back, Michael was on third.

Hit was kind of like my marriage.

Mistake, but I got something great out of it.

Stand -up triple of a kid.

So you know about moving forward?

Yeah. But for that to work, you gotta know what you want.

You gotta be sure.

I am.

Okay, so we're almost there.

There is a final hearing on the 12th.

Wednesday. Can't take more than half an hour.

Wednesday? That's really soon, isn't it?

But we're on an accelerated schedule, you know.

Paul and Jeanette want to get married as soon as possible.

I assumed you knew.

No.

Paul forgot to mention it.

I'll tell you what, then.

Let's just hold on to these. There's no need to rush.

That's right.

I'm looking forward, right?

Snap it back.

Put your body in there.

Good. Watch your dog. Chair.

Chair. One, two.

One, two, three, four.

Big power in those parts. All the way to the right. Right hand to the body.

Right uppercut. Right hand.

Left hook. Right hand.

Okay. Good. We're ready.

You're not tired?

Okay. We're ready.

Relax.

It's a shame you don't want to fight.

Other students here is good match for you.

You're a real contender, the Golden Gloves.

Okay. Let's do what you told me no.

Change.

I heard this weird kind

of a thump and came running out, and there he was.

Uniform, say no witnesses.

Lived alone. Dennis Parrish is the name on the lease. Seventh floor.

Weird kind of thump.

Looks like our jumper threw himself a going -away party.

You see anybody coming and going? I look like a doorman?

He had people over all the time, but I didn't see anyone tonight.

So what, he stepped up onto it to jump and knocked it over?

You don't need a chair to get over this.

Whoever pushed him knocked it over.

An angry gopher maybe.

Angry smoker.

Two favorite ways for a woman to kill.

Poison or being pushed off a cliff.

This works as a cliff. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Ginny.

I can't believe it.

Ginny.

This is Denny Paradise.

The Sultan of Blue -Eyed Soul.

What was that hit that he had?

What is it? It had something to do with angels. Angels. That's angel work. Angel

work. That's right. You're going to do your angel work.

Remember?

Oh, my God. My entire freshman class had a crush on him, even the guys.

I think I saw him open for Oingo Boingo at the Cow Palace. No, this guy, like,

pretty much owned the 80s. When it comes to soul, I will stick with Mr. Ray

Charles. Man, I wonder what happened to Denny Paradise.

I think I read about him battling a junk problem.

Oh, there's a new one, a musician on heroin.

Hey.

Hey, A -Chip.

Newcomer chips.

You get one at your first meeting and you start counting the days from there.

136, for example.

That's awesome.

Why does he have a whole box, though?

Alcoholics and addicts are chronic flippers.

Relapsers.

You know.

Then he could have picked one up every time to try to get sober.

You girls gonna be here much longer?

First off, it's inspectors, exit, and Ramirez, and we're gonna be here as long

as it takes. How's that sound?

I just want to know when I can start showing the play.

A loss with a great view doesn't grow on trees.

They caught the guy in Golden Gate Park selling 40 milligram morphine sulfate

pads to an upscale junkie. Some political heroine named Walter Francis

cooling out in the review too.

Well, let's let him ponder his fate a little while longer while we steel

ourselves for the interview.

I offer you some, but I hear your body is sometimes simple now.

I'm in training, that's all.

What's your fascination with boxing?

I like to punch people.

People who ask questions.

She OD'd, Walton, on your junk.

A housewife in Daly City, 35 years old, two kids.

I told you I wasn't dealing.

223 tabs of morphine sulfate, Walton.

I got back pain.

Real bad.

We nabbed your customer, the guy in the park.

He's not taking the fall for you. He said you hooked him up before.

Give us your supplier, Walter. Help yourself out.

We've got you on possession of narcotics with intent to sell. You've got witness

problems. My customer has got a record, which, by the way, I don't.

Probation. You've never heard of it?

And accessory to manslaughter, too, which is the larger issue, we can safely

say.

You're crazy. She's crazy.

Not about this.

Oh, man, Denny.

I don't believe it.

You two were close?

Yeah, he was my first client, my friend.

I saw him play at Slim's back in 78.

I was on my way to law school. I mean, literally, I was two weeks away from my

first class at Bolt.

About by the end of that night.

Denny was the real deal.

His songs did something to people, to me.

We hung out, he played me some more songs, and law school was out the

You know, I did a little publishing deal for him, and then the record started,

and bigger deals, and... Now he's gone.

When did you last see him?

I don't know. Six, eight months ago, we had our yearly, you should write songs,

I don't want to write songs lunch.

It's an awfully long time to not see a client.

Or your friend.

I have a drink every now and then.

I don't have a problem with it.

If you weren't in AA, Denny had no use for you.

That's all he ever talks about were his meetings, his program.

And business -wise, like I said, he stopped playing music, writing, which is

big problem because he sold off most of his publishing for drug money.

He was broke?

Did he owe anybody money?

Did he have any enemies, you mean?

Not that I know of.

I held back a couple of copyrights so he had a little dough to live on.

Do you think Denny could have killed himself?

Denny stops his music.

Something he's so great at, I changed my life for.

He just gives it up.

All the man was doing was not getting high.

That's it.

Now, I have his gift.

I turn my back on it. Yeah, I snuff myself.

Definitely.

Thanks, Raina.

We got a hit off a set of prints from Denny's apartment.

Ex -con out of Folsom.

Roland Eastway served four years Agasson.

When did he get out? Six months ago. They found his prints all over the

and the overturned chair. Right. Grab him up.

We'll retract him through his P .O.

Roland wants to talk.

You can't prove anything. See that? Beauty of

pharmaceutical fault.

Morphine sulfate traceable by batch. In this case, traceable to you.

I want you to take a really good look, Walter.

Hey. All right, what?

Evan Graham.

That's the guy's name.

Evan Graham.

Who's Evan Graham?

I know him.

He's my ex -wife's business partner. He helps her run the furniture company.

How well do you know him?

Well, I don't know him that well, but I know my wife.

Robin's got nothing to do with this.

On this narcotics thing, Graham's on his own. He's got to be.

We don't know that yet.

I understand that.

And obviously, I want Basso and DiLorenzo to conduct a thorough

Well... I was just hoping that you and your division could use a little

discretion here.

Prevent innocent people from getting hurt.

You realize you could be crossing a line here.

I don't see a line.

I'm protecting my children.

Do what I can do.

You're welcome.

You died sober,

man.

You died sober.

Rolling leaf, Blake?

I got a little respect for the dead.

Inspector Magda Ramirez?

You want to step in over here?

This is Inspector Eckstead.

Denny was my main man.

He was your sponsor?

Damn straight.

He took me through the steps.

I mean, he introduced me to my higher power.

I mean, if you know me... Can you tell us why your fingerprints were found all

over Denny's apartment?

I was there all the time.

Denny used to hold meetings in his house with all his sponsors.

Did he have a meeting last night?

No. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, we have Candlelight Big Book studying the hate.

I was supposed to meet him there, but he didn't show up, so I had to step in for

him and tell him my sad -ass story.

Do you have witnesses that can verify this for you?

Yeah. A room full of disappointed, sober women.

Look, whenever Denny spoke, AA skirts would pack the place like a concert.

I mean, like, groupies.

I mean, Denny delivered a powerful AA message. It's just, I mean, come on,

He's Denny Paradise.

What's he supposed to do with this?

They know?

Sex with other alcoholics in the program isn't exactly encouraged.

Oh, because the lady's done her research. No, I'm just saying. Look, I

that, okay? I'm new. Denny told me that.

But he had like 4 ,000 days, so it was okay for him to hang with the ladies.

He worked a big -time program.

He saved a lot of people's lives.

You're looking right at one of them.

He was a babe.

I had my first French kiss to smoke of love.

That was his first hit, right? What was that, 1982 or 83?

Uh -uh.

Summer of 80.

My 13th birthday party. Andy Wagner took me back to my parents' bedroom. Back

up, Ginny. You were French kissing at 13?

I took an advanced placement test.

I don't get it. How can a washed -up old rock star like Denny Paradise still

manage to score chicks at will? I got two words for you. Mick Jagger.

Mick Jagger is a rock god.

Yeah, so?

Mick gets the Brazilian supermodels, but the principal's the same.

Denny Paradise doesn't have a hit, but Spandex was cool.

Neither does David Cassidy, but I still get a tingle every time I see the bag of

the school bus.

I rest my case.

I miss Spandex.

Rock star, AA star.

Are you saying that you think he used his status in AA to hook up with women?

You heard what Roland said, Chin.

And you know, even if he did, it doesn't change the fact that he helped a lot of

people get straight and stay straight. I'm just saying that he knew how to use

his position.

Well, it wasn't a great position.

Emmy's report.

Anything on the red hair they found under her fingernails?

Nope. Just that it wasn't his.

Guess what?

The paradise was HIV positive.

Evan Graham was hired by Robin Haysworth about a year ago to turn the company

around. When she inherited, the business from her family was losing money. They

were very close to filing chapter 11.

How's it doing now? It's in the black.

First time in two years.

In this economy.

Yeah, it's because of this Le Bois Chamont or something like that. French

butt ugly.

Apparently, Graham started traveling abroad. He took 15 trips in four months

shipped back this LeBow, whatever it is.

It's this entire new line of recycled teak. Must be selling like hotcakes.

The more likely scenario is that he's meeting with foreign pharmacies, buying

morphine sulfate out the back door, and shipping it back with the furniture.

Likely's not good enough.

I made Haysburg a promise. I'm not about to turn his ex -wife's life upside down

on likely.

Okay, but we do have enough for a warrant.

I need more than enough.

I need extra.

Catch 22.

Without a warrant, we can't get extra.

Would it help if we got a look at their books?

Basically, Mr. Graham, we're talking about a structural flaw.

You see, the original 1992 415A formula for the calculation of import -export

tax never accounted for any allowable 36 -30 SBA Schedule II transfers.

Of course it didn't.

Yeah, it's not something the IRS likes to advertise.

Oops, we goofed.

So are we entitled to a refund?

Most likely. If our figures reconcile with yours, then Uncle Sam will cut you

check. It's all right there.

Vacation on the IRS.

Who'd have thunk it?

See, we're not all bad over there.

Yeah, Janice.

Set up last year's book for Mrs. Lennox, would you?

That's Ms.

Lennox, and I'll need to see the last two years.

Okay. Round trip to Cabo.

AA singles retreat Denny Paradise was planning on attending.

Well, I guess that rules out suicide.

Dr. told us that he diagnosed the HIV about a year and a half ago.

Denny didn't even seem upset and wasn't much interested in any kind of

treatment. Denial. Huge.

Well, since he got sober, Denny felt he was living on borrowed time.

Gravy, as he called it.

By all rights, he should have OD'd years ago, so he was just going to let nature

take its course, according to the docs.

In denial for himself or others, maybe.

You think he was infecting his partners?

Revenge, historically powerful motive.

Listen, Ginny, if this is going to get in the way of your program at all, I do

not want you to. I'm doing my job, Matt. It's the right thing to do.

Besides, I could use a meeting.

Yeah. Still AA.

136 days. Gin, that's a big deal. You know, I don't want you to blow it over

this.

137 days.

You talk about powerless.

I couldn't imagine living without alcohol or drugs. And for me, it's not

going to meetings.

Practice these principles in all your affairs.

That's what it says in the book, and that's just what I've got to do.

Hi, my name is Harriet, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Harriet.

I've never had it so hard.

I've done something, something I never imagined I was capable of doing, and I'm

still trying to figure it out.

Trying to find what my part is in all this.

I trusted someone I had no business being with, and I

should have known better.

And he hurt me.

But it was me who...

I've done something I know I'm going to regret for the rest of my life, and I

just pray my higher power can forgive me.

I know I'll never be able to forgive myself.

I'm sorry.

It's just really hard for me to tell you this.

I've done this awful thing.

But I just had to get out of this feeling, this guilt, because it's...

The thing I did is so big, I never know if it's ever going to go away.

God, they say about the dangers of righteous anger.

It's true.

It's true.

Hi, I'm Vernon, and I'm an alcoholic.

I was pretty brave of you, and... Thanks.

I know there are things that I'll never be able to forgive myself for.

How long have you been sober?

Almost a year.

137 days, if I can make it till midnight.

That's great.

I gotta go.

Diana! I'm new.

Not really sleeping.

Can I get your number?

Yeah.

I remember that. Not sleeping.

Listen.

You can call me anytime, okay?

I mean that.

You'll be keeping me sober.

Oh, three of those, please.

Sure you don't want one?

How can you eat that?

I know. Who likes chocolate?

Things we have to do to stay sober.

Keep the change.

Thank you.

Hey, you drink today?

No.

That's all we need to know.

Look, I called Meg last night after the meeting and told her nothing happened.

I'm not doing my job, and I'm lying to my partner again.

Progress, not perfection.

It's right in the book, kid.

Duffy, I may not be drinking, but I'm still being a terrible cop.

Your sobriety has to come first. You're drinking now, and you're off the job.

It takes time, Ginny.

Slowbriety. You know, I hear one more stupid AA slogan, I'm going to... They

call it alcoholism, not alcohol wasn't.

You're telling me that you're at a meeting and someone gets up and shares

molesting kids. You're not turning him in.

I'm not going to play the game with you. Yeah. What do I do about this? What do

I do about this now?

Now and always.

If we don't put the program first, we're dead.

I got a partner.

As a dead person, I'm very little use to anyone, especially my partner.

You know this meeting?

The one where you saw the woman you were sure killed, Denny Paradise?

Were you there as a cop?

Yeah. 100%. Because if even a small part of you was in that church

because you're an alcoholic and you needed that meeting to keep yourself

taking a drink, you can't compromise that. What you hear in the room stays in

the room.

End of story.

A dinner receipt puts them in Jakarta with Tony Pertillo, a .k .a. Tony

a three -time felony narcotics offender with a specialty of stealing drugs on

the net.

No, that's Graham's contact. You don't know Robin was there.

It's her credit card.

She signed for the dinner.

We gotta bring her in, Charles. We have to talk to her.

Well, she's innocent, Kate. I know it.

She has nothing to worry about, then.

I can't shield her any longer.

Oh, I see. This is payback time, huh?

What are you accusing me of, Charles? Well, I think it's obvious.

I asked you for a little favor. A big favor, and I'm doing it for you.

This has nothing to do with any history between us. I'm in a vulnerable

position, and you're taking advantage of it. I'm taking nothing.

I'm trying to be a good cop.

I'm trying to help you.

The moment looks like two separate things.

You came to me, Charles.

Yeah.

I came to you.

I think she's having an affair with Evan Graham.

Sorry.

But even if she is, that's all she's guilty of.

Okay, we'll start with Graham.

We'll leave her out of it for now.

Okay?

That's all I can do.

Suspect.

Who is she?

Diana Westbridge. I got her name from an old phone list from Denny's meeting.

I ran it by our friend the building manager, and she ID'd her.

She remembers her spending many nights there, and she also remembers some big,

loud fights at the end of the relationship, especially one that

the street three months ago. Nothing since then.

I mean, she does have brown hair.

Okay.

Yeah, me. Found red hair under his fingernails. Come on, Jen. Get with the

program here.

What, we gonna bring her in? Home visit. She's sick.

Full -blown AIDS.

We know you had dinner with Tony Portillo at the Jakarta Hilton.

You know, you can't use any of this.

Your so -called IRS agent.

Oh, no.

She was a cop.

Yeah. A cop who'd been deputized by the IRS.

It's all extremely legal.

Perry Mason.

I had lots of dinners over there.

Oh, yeah?

With other big investors in corrupt international pharmacies?

The guy was a friend of a distributor.

That's it.

That's not what Tony says, Evan.

Come on.

Your friendly dot -com pharmacist felt slighted.

Wasn't getting his fair cut of the morphine sulfate profit, so two days ago

dropped a dime on Tony, who then dropped a dime on you. I love how this works.

It's just like dominoes.

You gonna be the last to fall, Evan?

Is this whole week gonna come down on you?

See, I don't speak in Nevin, but I see the name Evan Graham here quite a few

times.

Oh, man.

I told her this day was gonna come.

But Robin needed it so bad.

A little success.

Her husband didn't think she could make the business work, and we were only

gonna do it for a short time.

Just till we got on our feet.

So you want me to be your cut man? Corner man.

I think it's cut, man, because basically what I'm doing is cutting your wound so

you don't bleed anymore. A corner man is like a ceremonial position, like an owl

guy. Okay, we were headgear, for God's sake. There's not going to be any blood.

I just need a friend in my corner. All right, well, then, as a friend, tell me

why you're doing this. Because my trainer asked me to, though.

Your lawyer called.

The hearing's been moved to 1030. He wants to know if that's okay.

Okay. Why didn't you tell me the divorce was going through?

Because you didn't ask.

It's if Paul's getting remarried.

And honestly, I'm happy for him. Right, right. So happy that you volunteered to

become a human punching bag?

Oh, Nate, bath of a dinosaur shrink.

Look, I just, you know, you gotta be hurting. I just... I'd be worried if you

weren't.

You know what it is?

It's all the work.

God, I put so much work into that man. I...

cheered him on, and I supported him for three years while he figured out what he

wanted to do. Meanwhile, he cheated on me every chance that he got.

And now that we're over, he's got a job and living in Hawaii, and he's in love

with Jeanette.

And she gets everything.

I put in all the hours, and she gets my life.

I met Denny when I first got sober four years ago.

I knew the music, of course.

And then I got to know him.

Did you two have a romantic relationship?

Relationship?

I'm sorry, but we have to ask you these questions.

Well, the funny thing is, I actually believed he cared about me.

I got it.

Thanks.

Miss Westbrook, we know that, uh, Denny was HIV positive.

Huh? What a coincidence.

Me too.

Yeah.

When was the last time you saw him?

Three months ago.

Asked him for help with the medical costs.

Figured it was the least he could do.

Did he give you any money?

He said he would.

I'm still waiting.

Where were you last Tuesday night?

Hmm. Here.

Alone.

Wednesday's my bowling night.

I thought surfing was your sport.

The pictures.

There's a picture.

Uh, my best friend.

There's this longboard champ she had the hot for, so we went to Santa Cruz one

weekend and stalked the guy.

He didn't have a chance.

Not with Harriet.

Do you think that Denny went around sleeping with other women, infecting

Well, I know I didn't sleep around.

Not before Denny.

And not after.

I also didn't kill him.

But I'm sure glad he's dead.

Great.

You gotta be smart in there, alright? They don't call it sweet science for

nothing now.

I'm thinking you're probably gonna have a little bit of a height advantage, so I

think you should probably soften her up with a few jabs to start off, and then

BOOM! Finish her off with the uppercut, right through the jaw.

Ran a raging bowl over the weekend. I watched it like nine times.

Way into it.

So crazy. I have no idea why I'm doing this. Come on! Let me kick ass in there.

Hey.

Come on, man. A little enthusiasm here. What's the matter?

Okay.

Might have a little problem here.

All right. Great. I'll go quit for us. You were right what you said before,

this was all about Paul.

And I have no business fighting.

So fighting's over. No more fighting. Fighting's finished, right?

Yeah.

I could have taken her. Uh -huh.

So, this first pharmacy in Belize, this wasn't your contact? These are all lies?

Some of it is true.

I knew about this.

What Evan was doing.

If you'd help me.

Okay.

Mrs. Haysbert. He didn't think I could do it.

My ex -husband, Charles, when I inherited this business, he wanted me to

right away.

He said I would ruin everything.

That I was not capable.

I had to make money.

Mrs. Haysbert, I... Kenworth!

Robin Kenworth.

Miss Kenworth, we should stop now. You need to call a lawyer.

Am I under arrest?

Well, we'll deal with that after you call a lawyer.

Jenny. Hey.

How'd you find me?

I'm a cop.

Ex -dead.

Inspector Ex -dead.

What do you want?

Look, I'm not here as a cop, all right?

If I were, I'd have to arrest you.

Can I come in?

Are you kidding?

I know about Denny.

I know what he did to you.

And I know that you killed him because of it. Listen to me.

They found red hair underneath his fingernails. They're testing it now, and

pretty sure that it's going to be yours. And how dare you pretend... I came here

to help.

I am dying.

You help with that.

What you said at the meeting was right.

Self -righteous anger.

Harriet, you can't live with this.

This isn't a meeting.

How would you know the difference?

Because I'm an alcoholic.

And I'm not going to arrest you, and I'm not going to turn you in. You're going

to have to do that yourself.

Gee, thanks for sharing.

I just spoke with Robin Haysworth's lawyer.

Robin's going to give a full statement on everything she knows.

That's enough to put away five or six pharmacy operations and Tony Fratello

real. The DA will be pleased.

She should be able to cut a pretty good deal. No jail time.

Evan Graham's going to go down pretty hard, though. He set the whole thing up.

Lady fell for the wrong guy.

Why? You talk to Haysbert yet?

No, I called him, but I haven't heard back yet. You did him a major solid.

going to be very grateful.

Oh, I don't know about that.

I saw him at his weakest.

Probably will never forgive me for it.

Talk about payback. No, I appreciate it. Yep.

Okay. Thank you.

Hey. Hey. That was Max Hartman, the manager.

He says he was settling Denny's estate with the probate lawyer and discovered

that Denny willed all future publishing royalties of angel work to one Diana

Westridge.

Just Diana? Nobody else? Just Diana.

Why didn't he just give her the money up front?

Insurance. He didn't want her blabbing to the press while he was still alive.

That would keep her mouth shut.

No, I don't buy that.

Ginny, it gives her a really strong motive.

We have anything that puts her at Denny's that night?

No, not yet, but... Come on, Mag, you saw her. She's weak.

She couldn't even get up for a glass of water.

Talk to me.

Mag, look... No, Ginny, we have an airtight motive here, and you're not on

board.

Diana didn't do it.

And you know who did?

I found out at the meeting.

Why didn't you say something?

Those rooms are supposed to be safe.

Confidential. I mean, if people don't feel safe, they'd have nowhere to go.

I'd have nowhere to go.

And right now, I have to hold on to that safety because if I don't, I'm going to

drink.

I know I'm going to drink.

I can't tell you.

All right, well, it's okay.

No, Meg, it's not okay.

I'm a cop. You're my partner. I'm supposed to be able to talk to you. Jen,

know, I don't want you to tell me, okay? I know how important AA is and how much

it's helped you.

So just don't say another word.

Meg, we're going to solve this the old -fashioned way.

Did he promise you the money and then change his mind?

Or did you think that maybe he was going to alter his will?

I didn't kill him.

Diana, listen.

You're in a sympathetic position here, okay?

He betrayed you twice.

Not only by giving you AIDS, but by denying you the money for all these

bills that you have.

You've got a really strong case. Why don't you just tell the truth?

Are you arresting me?

No. No, not now. We want to give you a chance to help yourself.

I want you out of my home.

If it's not her, she knows who it is.

She'll make a call.

We lean on her pretty hard. We just have to give it a little time.

came over. Was one of them ex -dead?

Ginny ex -dead? Yeah, I think so.

But what does that matter? She said she wouldn't say anything.

She knows I did it, and she said she wouldn't say anything.

You can tell them. What?

Confess?

He knew.

When he slept with you, he knew he had it. He'd been diagnosed.

That's murder.

I think that makes a difference to the cops.

What I did...

That's murder.

That's all they're going to say.

What step is this?

Which step says it's okay to lie and stab me in the back?

I didn't say a word. You expect me to believe that?

Believe what you want.

I gave you a chance.

You gave yourself a chance to clean your conscience. You're no better than he

was. Harriet, you're not going to be able to stand what you did here today.

You're going to drink.

Not today.

And that's all that counts.

I'm free at last.

Congratulations, C .D.

Thank you.

You know, I don't think I could have done this without you.

You practically did.

I hardly did anything.

Would you like to redeem yourself and earn your exorbitant fee?

Want to take me out to lunch?

Or dinner?

Dinner might be better.

Oh, you mean like a date?

Yeah. And, you know, you could actually say it a little louder because I'm not

sure they heard you in Marin.

I just want to be clear.

You're asking me out?

I'm asking you a date.

Otherwise, you'd film me.

Well, how about tonight?

I can do it tonight.

I thought you'd never ask.

My name is Ginny, and I'm an alcoholic.

I'm here today because... because I like to drink.

A lot.

I like to drink so much, in fact, that last night I did.

Found a bottle of vodka that I had hidden on a top shelf and chugged it.

I could still feel the burn on the back of my throat that I love, that fire on

the way down.

It was just a dream, of course, but...

When I woke up, I really felt like the whole thing had started all over again.

When I was at Garner, my sponsor says that flip dreams are

actually a blessing because they let you know how you'd

really feel if it actually happened without having to take the drink.

Maybe it's because I'm new.

Didn't feel like a blessing.

Felt like my worst nightmare.

What's a blessing is the last 139 days of my life.

Sober days.

And being here in this room.

I tell you,

I get some real problems with some of this AA stuff.

But if I'm not here, I'm home drinking tonight.

And that's nowhere.

That's nowhere at all.