Original subtitles

I'd like you to do, please, Mr.

Dickery.

That's our pub.

Now, this ain't your ordinary run -of -the -mill drinking establishment.

Anything goes, as long as we have an angle on it.

One, two, I'm bacon. Three, good!

I'm your man who makes sure everything runs smoothly.

Come on!

Of course, things don't always go according to plan.

As for Moon, he plays by his own set of rules.

He sorts out the knots.

Thing is, his brain's more thriving than his head.

Blowcast for fishing chips.

Fish?

Chips? Reckons it is, Poncy. What's the matter with the chefs at Puff?

Now, Jamie... Jamie could talk a nun into having 666 tattooed on her arse if

wanted to.

He's a jammy bastard.

Poor Phil telling Hallam.

Lee's passion is for the ladies.

Sam, it's not a two -way deal.

Still, every now and again, he comes up smiling.

That was great.

I like the way he used that chair.

Can we take that again?

What's going on?

We're auditioning erotic dancers.

We ain't got no strippers in here.

I know, don't we?

But they don't.

Go on!

I've bought it.

You muppet!

At the end of the day, we don't mind getting our hands dirty.

We just don't want them cut off.

I mean...

We know our limit.

It's a pity our associates don't know theirs.

Since Europe is now an open market, we need to keep up with the times.

It's where these two cloggets come in.

And when it comes to business...

They always fly from the wrong side of the road.

English.

Yes. Cool. We love England.

We've been coming here already five years.

You're making delivery in London?

Yes. All right, if you feel so.

You're me and Johan. We're bringing the cigarettes and the booze from the Hook

of Holland, coming back and go again and again.

All right. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Take some of these.

I don't usually do, Puff. I don't really agree with me. No, no, no. This is to

make you feel so much better for driving fun.

Yeah? Northern Lights and Super Skull combo.

Wicked.

This is blowing your socks off.

Beauty and the Farmyard Beast, man. Cool.

Monkey business.

Old McDonald's shacks his farm. You've seen these? Crazy, huh? That's nothing.

Check this out.

Wow.

Morning, Bobby.

Great, Pete.

The ferry that says there we are.

Good.

We'll bring a roll around. I think I'll pick them up in person.

Miami Vice.

Number one faith in this manor.

Word is he's responsible for half the country's porn imports.

And half of the stiffs dragged out to Thames.

How's my horse?

Miami.

He's a beauty.

Listen, I don't want too much competition on Saturday.

Don't want to be all under pressure in his first race.

Well, lads are sorting that out. He won't have anyone breathing down his

Yeah, no point taking a gamble.

That's what I thought.

This is Nefarious, this guy. A man of many interests.

Not just a bookie, not just the king of kebabs, he's got a podgy finger in every

pie. And anything you want to buy, if it's for sale or not, he'll get hold of

for you.

He thinks he's the Anastas of Knockoff Road.

What are you thinking, Mr Weiss?

No words.

He's going to miss him.

Imagine it. Nick Faldo getting up in the morning.

He say, I think I disney park for a quick round before me eggs and bacon.

where's me effing clubs, innit?

I don't want to touch them yet.

Don't think I'm ready.

Put them in a wagon three feet, yeah?

On a blanket.

I'm so pleased with you, Niforia, I'm thinking of giving you a little extra.

Shh.

You just drink.

Don't take any bets on sherbet in a 3 .30 at Fulmore tomorrow.

Lower the odds on all the others.

You'll clean up.

Said a bit. He's going to win, right?

He's my horse.

Yeah, put a wedge on him yourself.

He'll clean up again.

Mammy vase.

You'll cut above, you know that?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

You are taking the piss.

After lifetime.

This stuff must be stronger than this is.

Oh, shit.

What?

She's dead.

We killed the fucking bride.

We fucking killed them all.

18 dead bodies?

No. Well, no, they woke up in the end. I'm wondering what happened for the last

24 hours.

I was so fucking bored.

Jesus Christ.

What did you have a look at?

So in other words, you can take your Bacardi and sod off. Hey, guys.

Guys, we did not know. We are feeling so sorry. We're trying to build up a name.

Everybody, we're putting it right.

Right now. Right now. First, we take away those two disgusting bulls. And we

tell the supplier not to giving us this shit stuff.

And then, come look in the back of the van.

Take the booze back. We'll give you the porno movies.

If you sell, you give them to us 50%, yeah?

What about the watch?

Money you take for free, yeah?

I need it for those you need.

They're all just for me.

What kind of porno movies?

We get new from Netherlands, Germany, Scandinavia.

It's not gay or anything, is it?

No way, guys. We know the rules, huh?

Get your hands off.

Get back in the car, punk.

All right, Chris.

The fire's in the back.

He ain't been out all day.

Got himself a new desk, innit?

Right, lads, what's the score?

All right, we've a nice desk.

No, we've got a bit of business you might be interested in. Always

little business.

We've got the ultimate in adult entertainment, right here. For you

the top man of this area. We're going to cut you the best deal you've ever had.

Stuff's a business.

I mean, this is even banned in Bangkok. Straight up. I mean, this director won

six golden dicks at that festival, wasn't it?

The Little Boy Peter Awards?

Yeah. This is the moon dust of the porn world, and I kid you not.

It's not gay, is it?

Do we look like a pair of rear gunners?

No, it's just that I've got all this fucking gay porn and I can't sell it to

more contact.

Well, I mean, it's a totally different market, isn't it?

This is healthy stuff.

Let's have a look, then.

Oh, bloody hell.

Bloody hell.

That's not tight, is it?

Gee, that's a donkey, isn't he?

No, that's an horse. It's a nice horse, though.

It's a thoroughbred.

So, what's your rough, then? 300 tapes?

Yeah, well, I don't know.

It might be a bit hard to shift.

Everything's up somebody's street. People who want this kind of stuff,

pay for the nose for it, too.

I tell you what, I'd take half.

350.

350?

Half? Show some respect.

All right, 3 .75, but no more.

Don't waste our time. It's all I can do. It's been a bad week. The Hoovers

haven't shifted as well as I hoped.

Bacon, what's that on your forehead? Oh, don't tell me. M -U -fucking -G.

Come on.

All right, all right.

I'll give you 400.

I can take them down to the blokes at the Rotary Club in Enfield.

400? For half? For half.

But I'll tell you what else.

Running up Fontwell, 3 .30 on Saturday.

A dead third.

Fancy it?

I take it you're talking about an horse who ain't been asked to rely on his

natural abilities.

I just know he's going to win.

I heard it from the top.

All right?

Share the bed, but don't go shouting it about, all right?

All right.

But if you're standing, don't come in at the donkey derby.

We'll be back here.

Lads, lads, when have I ever done you out of anything?

Could I tell you bring the tapes in?

Oh, and tell him to put the pigeon nets up. We're running low on chicken.

That was an eye -opener.

Thanks, all sorts.

What are we going to do with the rest of them?

Don't know.

Lee's uncle?

Firebug.

I ain't going near him. The man's a nutter.

Off his shoulder.

Get it closer every time, Garth.

Yeah, I think you're right.

Governor?

Last door.

Couldn't wait to give me my appraisal, eh?

There's been a slight accident.

Where's my watch?

Well, I was poisoned and... You come here with bad news.

On a governor's night off and all.

Where's my fucking watch?

Well, it was like this, right? There was these two dodgy Dutchmen and they drug

me and then nicked me back.

Do you know how long it's taken me to track down that watch?

Eh?

Ten years.

That watch was custom -made for the legendary 70s porn maestro Dennis Van

I was breastfed on that man's corpse.

He was the father I never had.

That watch.

is an item of immense

sentimental value.

And I haven't even talked about the cost.

And I'm even more sentimental about money.

Well, I'll get it back. You know what I think of? What's that, free fee?

I don't think Glassjaw gets it. I don't think he understands what you mean by

sentimental value.

Free fee?

I think you're right.

Please,

Uncle Doug runs this spill.

Small outfit, but highly profitable.

since most of his punters end up as charcoal.

Oi!

Put that in a silver BMW, yeah?

I've just had it reupholstered. He's spilling it.

It's a wasn't.

All right.

It's little Lee.

All right, Uncle Doug? All right, son?

Lad?

Sit yourselves down, then.

Well, get it off your chest.

We've got some dirty bits, if you're interested.

In buying.

To sell on.

You know.

I had the worst I've ever seen.

Good. Phil, animals and stuff. Well, not too many animals, some. Yeah, yeah,

most of them.

You know.

No.

Kinky stuff.

We've got about 150.

150, eh?

I'll give you 250 quid.

Done.

Lee.

You seen Dorothy lately?

How's she doing?

Not too bad.

Healing up.

Told her enough times.

I mean, why do people push their luck, Lee?

You got anything else?

Sherbert. What?

3 .30 tomorrow.

Fontwell. Dead set?

Oh, yeah.

Well, you know, hush -hushing all that.

Put 500 quid on it for me, yeah?

Ooh.

Nice watch, son.

Very, very nice watch.

Do you think we look scared?

Nah. Yeah, respect for us.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'll let him in on the tip. He'll give me some cash to put on it.

Hello,

bar bug.

Never thought I'd see the day when you walk in here, Miami.

Must be something very serious.

Serious, all right.

I need to put the word out on a couple of Dutch men selling porn videos and a

very special watch.

That porn, and more importantly, that watch, belongs to me.

So if anything like that comes your way, you let me know, yeah?

What sort of porn?

Kind that lawyers and bankers go for.

Animal classics, shit like that.

What sort of watch?

Custom -made erotic timepiece.

You know if you see it.

Oi, oi.

Miami.

Trying to cheer you up a bit.

Dead third, 3 .30, Fontwell.

Tomorrow.

Sure, though.

Thanks.

You want me to keep that quiet?

You ain't gonna tell him, then?

Fuck him.

I ain't got any time for him. Flash bastard.

Full of shit.

Tell you what, good news Lee's got his watch.

Because sooner or later, I'm going to get hold of that watch and I'm going to

shove it right in Miami Vice's ugly muppet face.

Now this time, I do not want to have to leave early.

No.

What?

Oh, she was well into it.

But anyway, drop the charges.

eventually you

can

do you just walk

you just walk oh you walk

But when you do the walk, you ride in style.

You just shake your heels and close your eyes and then you walk.

All right, Tanya.

Get off.

Come on, Tanya.

Don't be like that.

I was hoping you wouldn't talk to me.

I promise we'll keep Moon on her lead.

You said that last time.

Got a nice little earner for you.

Easy money.

You want me to look after the pub? You can fuck off.

Come on.

I'm a dancer, not a barmaid.

You'll be the manager.

You mean I'll be on me own?

You were great last time.

Pay your double time.

I'll do it if you let me sister have her 21st in the upstairs room.

For free.

All right.

Free booze?

Come on. I'm doing you a favour.

Honestly,

what's the matter with those doormen?

Keep him out of here.

What, me?

Oh, come on, Tanya, don't be like that. I was only playing around.

Playing around?

Is that what you told the police?

Moon, shut it.

Look, Tanya, are you going to help us out? I'll do it if the booze for the

party's free.

You know we can't do that.

How about we throw in a crate of rum?

Done. Now piss off.

See you tomorrow.

What the fuck are you doing in here?

Send him for an air, would you please, please?

Here, don't we have to carry him? He's a fat dick.

Just put him in a range rover.

Shut the door behind you, son.

First thing, never approach any of my girls while they're working.

Of course.

Well, it's stupid of us.

It's just that we all went to school with Tanya.

Yeah, I know.

That's why you're standing in here and not outside, or your bollocks kicked in.

All right, lads.

Sorry about the short notice.

Everything's ready. Who's in the back?

Stronger. I'll give you no trouble.

Now, your pub.

What we hear is there's a lot of business going through there.

A lot of gear.

Am I?

Well... You know, we sell a lot of stuff on it if it comes our way. Nothing that

hot.

I want you to look out for a watch.

Custom -made.

Gold.

Work of art.

Tells a time by a handcrafted cock and balls.

Anything like that?

Even a bit similar, and we'll let you know.

Yeah. Yeah.

What's it to be then?

A gravedigger or the postman?

What's that glass, Jill?

The postman, was it?

Sensible choice.

Less dignity, but more speed.

Mincemeat or chops, Gav?

Chops. It's Gregor.

Thanks, lads.

Really good service you're on.

Shame all people don't know about you.

Cheers.

So off he goes, his bones showing through his elbows and his nose in his

going, I don't even support Chelsea.

Fucking hell.

We got his watch.

It's Miami Vice's watch.

We'll give it back.

You should give it back now.

Can't give it back straight away.

I did none up straight away.

He's got a point.

Anyway, I quite like it. You what?

What have you got to admit? You are not fucking wearing that watch around. You

fucking take it off when we get home.

All right.

I'm not stupid.

We got.

We should do this more often.

You know, we never get birds on that down an hour, do we, Tom?

Tom's got his bets on, hasn't he?

Lee, that thing's supposed to be in hiding.

When are you exactly going to run into Miami Vice here?

See that? That's breeding.

There's no poor ties.

Of course not.

I might not be born with a silver spoon up my eyes, but I do have an

appreciation for the finer things of life.

Jake, congratulations on your purchase.

I had no idea you were a horse lover.

Well, every Englishman's got horses in his brand, hasn't he? And I never

imagined that Mr Digby would part from Sherbert.

Well, I did have to send in a team of negotiators.

I am without a deal.

And you know, there's an horse of yours about me, aren't there?

I like this one.

Hello.

I told you, he's six years old.

He goes in for a fucking three.

He's at least ten years old. Listen here, read my little proper.

Easy, sonny.

your cousin's doing here.

They're like a bet.

I thought I'd tip them off.

When are you going to understand? Your family ain't fit to mix in normal

society. Let's get out of the way before they come over here.

Yeah, let's try that VIP bit. That's where all the decent birds are.

VIP bit?

Nah, leave it.

20 quid says we're getting.

They won't let us in.

You just let me do the talking.

All right, 20 quid.

Hello, Jamie.

Me? Laura?

I was hoping I'd run into you.

You've grown up a bit.

Meaning what?

You're not exactly Moon's sweet and innocent little cousin anymore.

I've learnt a lot since then.

I bet.

Come on! No!

All the girls in London do it if they love you. Look, I love you, Jamie, but I

ain't like that.

Just stick your hand...

Yeah, he wouldn't get her top off.

That's right, Kat.

He'll stay in shadow, though, won't he? Of course he will.

You think about me, then.

Man again.

No,

you're just the same.

All right, 350 quid on Sherbert.

Too late, pal.

in the bin man

Nobbled them all.

Seems like this one's got guts to steal.

Relax, I've got a plan B.

Jake, all right, mate? You sure you don't want to sell any emulses?

I'm afraid I'm not a dealer, I'm a breeder.

Yeah?

Wank him, all right.

I want him on a drip by the end of the week so I can make him an offer for

Doncaster on Saturday.

Drinks are all right, mate. Cheers, lads.

That's very good of you. I'll have a pint of cider.

What did Joe do?

All right,

Dad. Do you remember Jamie?

Hello, mate.

How are you?

God, I'm lucky.

What was that?

An horse coming.

Oh, the horse.

It came in.

Are you all right, mate?

Two looking like they've come out with their tails off.

Another one.

I'm going to try and close your lap there, Len.

Right.

Can we have the rest of our winnings back?

All gone.

There was ten grand in there, pal.

Listen, I added it up on the machine.

Oh, you added it up wrong then, didn't you? It's all there. You can check it.

We haven't had any crates of champagne.

Twenty kegs of cider? What do you want about?

We helped carry it out to your van.

What van?

Your fucking family.

Not their fault.

The way they were brought up. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. They see something and they take it. What's wrong with that? What's wrong

with taking our fucking money?

Right,

pull

over at that pub.

Poncey pays if he don't fill you up. Ploughman's ought to do the trick.

Christ's sake, man.

You'd have brought your poxy family.

What about your stupid car?

Wouldn't it be all right if we just... I've left me winnings because of your

family. And this stupid... You can shut up. It was your stupid idea to tell your

uncle about the bet, wasn't it? Well, I didn't think you'd be stupid enough to

give all his money to Moon's cousins, did I? Maybe we should try and be a bit

more positive and think of some way to sort this out. You can definitely shut

up. You've got the shag out of it.

Yeah.

Right. Next car we see, we nick.

Might as well make it something that'll fetch a price.

So he can pay Firebug back his money.

No argument there, really.

I tell you what, I've got ulcers on the brain.

I could have sworn I just heard... You just heard an ulcer?

It's eating the whole yard.

I say we just kill it and see what we can get for its carcass.

You can't kill him. What's he done to you?

All right.

It's just an idea.

You don't recognise him, do you?

That is Sherbert.

The horse that won yesterday.

Shit.

It's perfect.

It's fucking perfect.

We flog him. Who to?

Moon's family.

They love horses.

They do like an horse. Of course, we'll have to disguise him.

Disguise him as what?

A lanky cow?

We go down to Neferis's tomorrow, spray him another colour, then we flog him to

Moon's nasty family, pay Firebug back his money.

Very easy.

Nice one.

It's unnatural, boys. It's unnatural.

He eats splinters and nails.

You won't mind a little bit of paint.

You're talking of unnatural. How are you getting on selling them, V?

Well, it's funny. They're going like hotcakes. I'm running out.

Give him a sock on that leg.

For balance, eh?

Don't get technical.

Just leave a bit of white down there.

Yeah, that's it.

Shit. It's Firebug. He's outside.

All right, he's your uncle. You tell him. Fuck that. It was his idea to go

see him. So? You told him about the oars.

All right. Why don't we just hide?

What? We can hide till we sell the oars. Then pay him.

Too much for that.

All right, Firebug. I mean, Douglas.

Thanks.

Looks like your tip came off.

Well done, boys.

All right, Uncle Doug.

How's Rita?

And the kids?

Where's my cash?

We had a problem.

It's all right, though.

Right. So not at all a problem if it means me not getting my money, then,

No, no, no. It's just that we've... Invested it.

You've invested my money?

Yeah. In a horse.

A very good one. You've invested my money on that nag out there, dripping

paint, chewing on a cardboard box?

Well, you're going to make money on him. When we sell him on, 100 % or

something. Yeah, we're going to sell him a profit, right? Yeah, a big one.

How about you give me that fancy watch of yours instead, then, eh?

Erm... I can't.

And why's that, nephew?

You're not going to believe this, but... Well, the horse... The horse is eating

it.

Eating it?

Yeah.

We're trying to figure out how to get it back.

You're not pissing with me, are you?

Of course not, Uncle.

Well, since you're my nephew and all, I'll give you 24 hours to either produce

the watch from the author's arse or my cash, plus 100%. And if you're one

minute late, I'll have to roast a lot of you.

Fine. Yeah. Great.

Great. Cheers.

Thanks a lot, Uncle Doug.

Why didn't you just give him the watch?

Because sooner or later he'd find out it was Miami Vices.

Then just to piss old Miami off, he'd tell everyone he had it.

And where are we going?

The horse is eating it. That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard.

Hey! Ready for that party?

Who is wanting to make some ear and head for the Ministry of Sound, eh?

Not tonight, lads. But we are thinking maybe those dudes are selling already

porno movies and we can collect our 50%. By the way, where did you get those

wigs?

Yikes, you won't check out the horse.

Lee, I think the horse is hungry again.

He's always hungry.

He's munching on your motor.

Stupid animal. Hey, come here. Come here. Come here. Come on.

Oi, horse.

Come on. There's the good boy over here.

Hey, Lee, you wanting to relax, yeah? Take one of these. Everything will be

cool, man.

No.

Okay. Let's roll, Yordy.

I love you.

Hang on.

Where's me watch?

No. No!

He's only ate it. What?

False. Ate me watch.

No, no, Lee, that's the old far story you told Firebug.

Well, now it's happened. Look.

You can see by the look on his face.

He can't have swallowed a watch.

Can he?

Just one.

Please, come on.

It'll help you to go.

All right.

All right.

But shit out the watch, eh?

He ain't gonna shit with you watching him all the time. You're making him

nervous. Oi, Lee.

He shits out the other end, mate.

Don't like it, man.

Chill out. It's cool.

None of our friends are business partners.

It's bad karma.

Didn't you listen to anything the back one said?

I'm stoned. I was just staring at his beard.

Bad dinging young man.

You've cursed us.

Hey, don't get hung up on this materialistic bag, eh? I mean, it's just

Good news.

He's out of shit.

Yeah, right.

Excellent. Bloody hell.

Come and sit in the van.

I'd better get in the back.

Pacey shits again.

It ain't going to come out working. I just want to see.

Here, I made you a nappy.

Fucking what?

Pacey shits on the journey.

You use these.

No bigger ought to be able to do it.

That comes around every half hour, demonstrates with the others with a

doll.

Are you listening, boy?

I don't want to be giving out no more prizes.

Except for them bloody goldfish.

Here.

You've been feeding them.

You didn't bloody feed them, did you?

Oi!

All right, boys.

All right. Uncle Derek.

What are you doing here?

Thought you might be interested in buying a thoroughbred.

They did.

Having a kip, aren't they?

Horses, eh?

Yeah. Oh, we didn't get any horses.

Well, take him, I reckon.

Roy,

you reckon he's letting me win?

He's doing his best. He rattled him with his laser shots.

I thought that might be it.

You've got to help me.

We've, um, got your money.

Yeah, sorry it's one minute late.

Look, we've got the 100%. It's all there.

What's that?

Eh? Doug said 24 hours.

One minute late is one day late. It's one day's interest you or your uncle,

which is another 100%, I believe.

What really, then, is that watch?

It's in the horse.

One of you.

We'll have to climb up its arse.

Come back tomorrow with the watch on top of that.

Or it's a fake tank.

Or the lotto.

Now, fuck off.

Lucky bits, by the way.

Classy.

Firebug ain't pissing about.

Now, we've got to get that watch back, or I'm emigrating.

So, we nick the horse back.

Tomorrow. Off that bunch of psychos. Well, what choice have we got?

And anyway, we owe them a shafting, after what they'd done at the races.

They got it coming.

Fucking right.

Bastards. Yeah, we nick that stupid horse back off them, and we get either.

Then, we give the watch back to Firebug, and we flog the horse to some other

geezer, and then we're up on the whole deal.

Sweet.

Sherbert.

Mr.

Vice is too distressed to speak to anyone right now. A terrible crime has

done, stealing an alternate.

And obviously we won't be offering a reward for... These English are still

for horses.

Man, do you want an island cut off from reality?

And I love them.

Yeah? I was speaking to you to give the watch back.

Asshole.

Of course, it was half a million quid.

A pound's worth of horse, which we have to consider.

Not that money is a part of it, yeah.

It's the health of Sherbert that concerns us.

I know they're in shit now.

So if anybody can help us out, tell us where he is.

will more than make it worth their while.

Thank you very much for your time.

Come on, man, face the fact. The watch has to go back.

They are our bodies.

No way. The watch is too cool.

Hey, man, you're having to come out of the toilet. You know why?

Because all the gear is out here.

Don't talk to me anymore. I'm beginning to meditate.

If it's good shit, man.

Come on, come on.

Be with me.

Okay, okay.

Okay. We're giving the watch back for the sake of karma.

But I'm wanting the 50 % on the videos, eh? Of course.

Lay not in.

I'm his uncle.

He's gone to Maidstone.

Holiday, is he?

Seamoon's family.

He's on a fairground or something.

About an horse, was it, by any chance?

He's your nephew.

He ain't even my mate.

Who have I seen you before?

You might have seen me dancing.

The Lapland.

That's right. Yeah, you did.

I mean, the other girls ain't got the poise or the stamina.

Ain't being baguetted or nothing. You can always tell a professional.

It's the way they carry themselves.

Yeah.

Excellent.

What's your name?

Tanya. Well, listen, Tanya.

Why don't you take the rest of the day off? I can't do that.

Just do as I say, sweetheart.

Hang on a minute. You can't treat me like this. Or I'll burn your fucking

off.

You've been sticking your hand up horses' arses, then?

Where did you get that watch?

This is a so special watch, you know.

Only one of in all Holland.

I am loving, but... You're giving it to Fred.

Well, you're giving it to me.

You're joking with us, yeah? We don't joke with no one.

Well, we neither, buddy.

You're thinking we're stupid, huh? You don't think this way.

Gun.

Beats bottle, don't it?

I believe so.

Oi, Adolf.

Say goodbye to your mate.

Cos once this gets going, it's all in.

Off with your panties, boys.

You're not knowing this much, are you?

Lots in pop -up selling. These are very expensive, but okay, we buy.

They're stealing from us in gas.

I hope you're not over.

And all that karma and yin and yang shit.

Meryl and Johan, we're bringing just the booze and the bag from the hook of my

luck.

Hey, kick your head.

Babe.

I believe it's him.

Hey, are you still coming?

Shit. That's going to be a good one and all.

Fucking nice watch, though.

Of course, this means I'm going to have to torch my nephew for being a lying

bastard. We're going to wait here for him? Nah, get the horse first. We can

a fucking mint on that bastard and piss my army vice off while we're at it.

So I'm going on my own then, then.

I've got work to do.

So that's your disguise, is it?

You're going to have to find yours and come back to the fucking KGB.

All right, Jamie?

How you doing?

All right.

It's Antichrist, isn't it?

Anarchist.

I ain't seen you for years.

I heard you was knocking about with me cousin Laura again.

Best you right fucking dirty bitch that one, ain't she, eh?

What you doing here?

I came to see Laura.

Come on, then.

I just had to see you.

Come in.

How long's it take them to find a horse, for Christ's sake?

Do you reckon they've rumbled him?

He can blag his way out.

I told him that disguise was... Shit!

That's Firebug's motor!

Shit! What's happening with you?

Kosher business, as you can see.

What we're after is an horse, or a sport and leisure wing.

After an horse, eh? Yeah, a racehorse, black and white, a bit sticky.

Know what kind of horse I mean?

Can offer a thousand pound in cash.

One thousand. See, we haven't got any horses like that round here.

All right.

Of course, you see, that was just the cash part of the deal.

We've also got 12 electric toasters, seven juicers and 16 non -stick woks.

Right.

Come to think of it,

We have got a horse, just like what you said.

Got the cash on you, have you?

Proper job.

Michael, go and get that horse for these here gentlemen, will you? And do you

know what?

I'll chuck in the horse box as well.

Will you calm down, please? Where the fuck is he?

He'll be alright.

He works best when he's up against it.

Do you want the good news or the bad news?

The good news is I just had the most amazing shag.

Mate, it's a terrible news.

The bad news is I don't know where the horse is.

It's all right.

It's a small fairground. You'll find him. You were meant to find him. Look,

got his sust.

You two find the horse and get in there with him.

One of you better get on him. You what?

I don't believe this.

I'll take care of him.

He knows me.

Moon, you get on the electrics, swap around a few cables, make it go mental,

right?

Piece of piss, mate. Then I come along in a van, back it up, you lead the alls

in, and Robert's your mother's brother.

That is taking the piss, mate.

You bought it.

Fair's fair.

Fair's fair.

What part of your reign is you from?

Jesus bloody Christ. All right.

All right.

It's just my little lad here.

You know, trying to be a bit clever and rip you off. Come here, you fucking

little bastard.

Look what you've done.

You take a good look at these blokes.

These are proper London gangsters.

Ain't the kind of blokes you fucks about with.

Hey, sorry.

Bollocks.

Don't let them know it's of him. He's a bit of a saucy one.

Fucking arseholes. I wouldn't like to get the wrong side of you.

I bet you're a bit handy with that gun, too, eh?

Jack, yeah.

It's the best shot in London.

Ex -Para.

Do you hear that, Michael?

Listen, we ain't bad feeling in business.

So I'll tell you what.

I'll take back Aesop, give you that other horse, and I'll give you the

win your money back in the shooting gallery against my little lad.

We'll just have it at your stakes.

Come on, mate. You'll be doing me a favour.

Teach that little runt a lesson, won't it?

I put a spell on you.

Happy with that?

Let's pretend winning.

you do.

He doesn't look too clever, does he?

He's not dead, is he, boy?

He rigged it.

Charlie,

Michael, bring that big bar.

That I could have won him fair. You don't need to win nothing when you can

cheat.

That's deep enough.

Get him in there.

I could have bloody killed him properly.

I can run the head again.

What what's going on nothing

You'll kill him this time.

Looks like we're going on a trip up to London.

What do we want to hide him at Nefarious's?

If the crust is sharp at the pump, we don't want him to see the horse.

Knocking with four legs should go within 100 yards of that kebab shop.

Or Cora will have me spinning round with a lemon on top.

He'll be safe when Nefarious is locked in the back of the air.

Yeah. Well, no funny business, right? Sherbert ain't getting chopped up. Of

course not, Lee.

Bloody hell.

Oh, fuck this.

I'm getting a chuck ice.

Can you get us a cream egg?

Not if I have to watch you eat it.

Angry.

Right, let's show these cockney bastards how to dance the gym.

Lee, go and sort us out some kebabs. We'll park this round the back.

Yeah.

Well, no funny business, right?

I'm so fucking paranoid.

Yeah.

You're due to pay £21 ,301 .53 in VAT charges for the period from

November to April this year. The £32 ,000 in inland revenue payments for the

video import business I can hold back.

That's for your European activities and not your Far Eastern ventures.

These figures I haven't been able to tally as yet, but you see, the

costs for Fontwell were to be set against the leisure investment, for

don't seem to have the appropriate documentation.

And since the horse wasn't insured, I don't think we can recover anything on

investment.

How the best you can do?

I want better figures in that.

Better figures?

Get rid of all this crap and come back when you've done me some decent fucking

numbers.

I'll get that horse back.

Don't you worry.

You know what bugs me, though?

The watch.

The watch!

My watch!

Somebody's wearing it right now.

Showing it off to people.

Checking the fucking time on it!

Where the fuck do you get this?

I've never seen that before. What is it?

It's a film of ladies doing it with horses.

Now, did you fucking buy it off?

Little Greek bloke.

I can't make kebab out of half a million pound horse. It's crazy.

We've got no choice.

We can't risk Miami finding the horse because he'll suss out it was us and

we'll all be kebabs. You know what I mean?

Kuros, step in the back.

What am I doing? This has got nothing to do with me. You won't just paint him. I

didn't know it was by my vice, his horse. Neither did we.

Yes, boss.

Special delivery, big horse.

Set up the mincer.

Horse? Great.

They last weeks.

Adilu, you've got to gut him first.

Eh? There's a very expensive watch inside him, and if we don't get it back,

we're fucking dead.

After we've done this, I don't want you coming around with any more business for

a little while, all right?

Bad for my heart. After we done what?

You're gonna do him. Oh, don't be stupid.

Nefarious has found an old horse's home.

In the country.

They grow their air long, run around, hang out with the other horses.

Yeah, bollocks.

It's always the innocent pay the price, isn't it? Lee, what?

Trust us.

You fucking bastards!

Shit! Shit! Shit!

You!

Think I got carried away?

Don't worry about it, Cub. You've got a little steam sometime.

You can't bottle it up. You'll get an ulcer.

Excuse me, sir.

Sir, you can't go up there. Excuse me.

Okay, Miami, right.

Take me up there.

I'll dice and I'll fry you, sunshine.

Um, I don't think I'm going to be able to... Where is that ugly little toe rag?

What about next week?

Where's Miami?

Um, would you mind just holding on a minute, please?

I'm on the phone!

I'm sorry about that. Where were we?

So let me get this straight, Nefarious.

You got my vids from them boys down at the lock?

Yes!

You sure?

Yes!

Unless you two want to go back to crack like a pair of sopranos.

Hey, the Ferris.

We need a car.

The Ferris.

What's that banging?

My head.

Hello, boys.

Three feet.

Cut him down and got myself a new angle.

Nefarious here tells me that he bought some vids of mine off of you lads.

Of course, they don't call him that fucking lying bastard Nefarious for

But... I believe him.

We sold him some vids.

Didn't know they were yours.

Whoever nicked my vids nicked my watch.

We bought them.

Looked like a regular bit of knock -off, didn't it?

Oi, Nefarious, come here.

Three feet, bring him back.

Douglas Fairbrass.

That jumped -up little prigger runs a spill full of dodgy action men. Him?

He said he nicked him just to fuck some geezer off.

Never thought it would be you.

Oh, fuck me.

I need to have a little think about this.

Who you after, baby?

Three feet!

Fucking hell.

Oi, Rambo.

Go and find out what the fuck's going on, will ya?

Well, I've thought about it, lads, and I reckon you're full of shit.

Firebug Doug wouldn't have the bollocks.

Miami Vipers.

I've got fucking massive bollocks.

Let me show you how big my bollocks are.

Oh, you've got bollocks, all right.

Trouble is, your bollocks are between your ears.

Oh.

Is that the time?

No wonder I'm so hungry.

I think I'll start off with... ...racels.

Then, I'll have a bit of...

The Miami Vice.

Have a dessert, you sweet little

louse.

Oi!

Meathead.

Get him into the gap. He's dead.

That's right.

I think I killed him on the way in.

Now, how do you switch this on?

Wonder which button it is.

The red one or the green?

Ah!

Well,

there's got to be a gag in here somewhere.

Get my horse down, would you, lads?

Jesus,

look at that. He was trying to defend us from firebug, I expect.

What, you just had a spine transplant?

You're alive!

You look born under the same lucky star, don't you?

You know, I've got a feeling you boys know a little bit more than you'll let

them know. But I'm in a good mood, so I'm going to let it go.

Thanks, this time.

Now piss off before I change my mind.

That was a good one.

Not bad at all, though, eh?

Oi!

Still happy for them feeds?