Original subtitles

Come on, put your backs into it. Pull, you dogs, pull!

Right, okay.

There'll be an extra piece of Gary's apple pie for each of you.

I can't believe it. I can't believe he crashed his car again. It's the fifth

time this month.

You know, last week when he took his driving test, he knocked down three

Three cones, big deal.

Son, the cones are a nice Jewish family that works at the DMV.

Come on.

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Hey, feed.

Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Honey. Ow.

Is the bandage too tight? No. The impact of the accident caused my underwear to

be crammed up into my shoulder blades.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, I think so.

Evening, gal.

Hey.

Louie, good to see you. Pleasure's all mine. Hey, little brother, I was driving

by. Couldn't help noticing you rode over the bushes.

I hit the president and his family? Oh, great. Now I'll never get any insurance.

I knew that would happen.

You're a doodle, Gary.

Oh, boy, honey, right on the arm.

What the hell's a doodle, anyway?

What's he trying to tell me?

Gary?

I've been thinking along the lines of getting you a driver. Oh, Bully, that's

great idea. That is not a good idea.

I do not need a driver. They're pretentious.

Now, Gary, I know you are a remarkably spry and independent man of 40. Well, I

have my own teeth, I will say that. But I do not need a driver. That still

doesn't mean that you can drive your own car.

Now, I've got a fellow sitting out in the car. I just want you to meet him for

your own good. Just do me this favor.

Bully, I don't want to meet anybody.

This is for your own good, Gary. You should not be driving that car. You're

wasting your time.

Hulk! Hulk?

Hulk? Oh, yeah, I want the Incredible Hulk driving me. How do you know when

going to turn back into Bill Bixby?

I'd like you to meet Gareth Shandley and his lovely wife, Phoebe. Hi, Hoke. Nice

to meet you.

Hoke, you are wasting your time. It's nice to meet you, but I do not need a

driver. I have two very strong shapely legs, I might add, and can carry me

anywhere I need to go.

And I'll demonstrate right now. Excuse me.

What a bitch.

Very funny, man.

There's no need to resort to a big, fake butt to get laughs.

Hulk, have you ever had your own cable comedy series?

Well, no, sir. I didn't think so.

Have you ever made 500 people laugh just by putting on a big, fake butt?

Well, can't say that I have, no. Didn't think so?

Well,

check this out.

I'm not saying it's not funny. I'm just saying it's not the right kind of laugh.

Now, I bet right now your audience is pretty ashamed of itself.

Oh, are you ashamed of yourself? You should be ashamed of yourself. You

shouldn't be laughing at cheap stuff like this. Shame on you. I mean it.

I'm just teasing. Come on, lighten up. Really.

Now, Hulk, I'm going to the market.

And while I'm gone, keep your hands off my butt. Oh, fine by me.

Now, why don't you let me drive you, Miss Gary?

Would you not call me Miss Gary? I'm married.

It should be Mrs. Gary.

Or Miss Gary, since it's the 90s. In fact, there's a slim chance I could be a

man. So call me Mr.

Gary. Mr. Gary? That sounds like some Melrose Avenue hairdresser.

Thank you, Hoke.

Hoke, what do you think you're doing? I'm trying to drive you to the store.

Hey, Garrett. Hey, Garrett.

Oh, evening, Pete, young Grant.

Would you leave me alone? I happen to be fine.

Hey, Garrett, why are you walking while that man drives your car?

Because I get better gas mileage.

See you, guys.

See you.

Go home, Hoke. I hear you.

Say, don't any of you folks have walls on your houses?

trying to embarrass me, and it's not going to work. Then how about this?

Now, if you don't get in this car, I'm going to go upside your head with a

eye.

Well, no one explained it to me that way before, Hoke.

All right, move over.

Slow down. Slow

down? I'm only doing five miles an hour. I don't care. I never take this car

over three.

You do as I say, Hoke, and slow down.

Hello, folks.

I don't know what their rush is. Where's the fire?

Now, Hope, you slow down.

I'll tell you that right now. Easy, easy, easy, easy, and you turn right up

here. But the show's on the left.

I don't care. I don't make left turns. I don't believe in them, and I never

will, and I'm too old to change. Now, you slow down.

You'd be a real backseat driver if this car had a backseat. I don't believe in

backseats. They only encourage fornication.

There's the start. Hit the brakes.

Hit the brakes. Hit the brakes. Well, whatever happened to please? Just hit

brakes. Please.

Into the lap of the Indy 500.

Bobby Unser, Al Unser Jr., and A .J. Boyd are all bunched up a good ten

behind Gary Shandling.

Oh,

slow down. We just passed Mr. Andretti and Mr. Boyd.

And don't cut in between little Al and big Al again. That's not polite.

miles an hour i'm amazed we're still in the league you turn right this race is

all left if i turn right you're gonna run smack dab into the grandstand you do

as i say and turn right you turn right you turn right it's your funeral

Don't turn around. Hoke, Hoke, Hoke, Hoke. What are you blabbering about now?

Huh? Oh.

Oh. Nothing.

What have you got there, Hoke? Well, you bonked your head, so I decided to get

the groceries while you snoozed it off in the car.

But, Hoke, you don't know what to buy. Oh, I got the grocery list out of your

shirt and the coupons out of your pocket and that cash you keep pinned to your

underwear.

You're a brave man, Hoke.

Tell me.

You know, Hulk, maybe you do know what you're doing.

I think that's what I've been trying to tell you. Hulk, let's take a drive.

Pedal to the metal. I give you permission to go six miles an hour.

Yes, sir.

Don't you be wild.

Oh, Miss Gary, if I were you, I wouldn't go on the David Letterman show. That

man is... He's as crotchety as a crocodile.

Well, Hulk, I'm going to really make him laugh. You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to wear two fake butts.

Don't laugh at that. Oh, you do go on, don't you? Oh, thanks, Hulk. Thanks a

lot.

Hey, could you hand me those willies?

Oh, sure, yeah. Thanks.

You know, we've been coming out here every month for five years.

I know. Ernie must have been very important to you. Oh, I'll tell you.

you, Hulk. He was a great dog.

Dog? Yeah. Ernie is a dog?

This is a pet cemetery, Hoke. You see that collie over there with the veil?

That's his widow.

We've been decorating this grave like that tomb for the unknown soldier for

damn hound dog. Well, Hoke, I do owe it to him. I'm the one who ran him over.

I think we got you off the road. Now, Hoke, you be still.

I want you to take this over.

Grant's turtle cork is buried over there. I want you to put the tattle

on his...

tombstone, okay? Sure, sure.

What grade was that again? It's right over there. It's in the turtle section.

says Corky on it, plain as day.

Um, Mr. Gary, I can't read.

I know my ABCs, but I just can't put them together.

Oh.

Well, we can't have that. I've taught millions of children to read through my

opening credits.

Really difficult words like Zweibel.

Zweibel?

That's one you'll never get, believe me.

Listen, let's sound it out, okay? Tell me what... Corky, right?

What letter does that sound like? Well, it sounds like a K.

Well, it's a C.

Okay, let's go to the last letter.

Corky.

It's got to be E.

Oh, it's a Y.

Okay. You think you can find it now, Hulk? Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.

Starts with a C, ends with a Y.

Starts with a C.

Ends with a Y.

Starts with a C.

Ends with a... I found it. I found Corky. Bless my soul.

That's so terrific.

That's so great.

Noodles.

This is noodles.

Noodles. Close enough.

Boy,

they went all out for noodles, didn't they?

And I heard him exclaim as he flew through the air, Merry Christmas to all,

to all, how's my hair?

Oh, Lord have mercy.

Your parody of The Night Before Christmas gets funnier every year. Oh,

okay, ho, ho, ho, Gary. I think my eggnog's ready now. Okay, I'll have one

honey.

You sure don't let Miss Phoebe do much on your show.

I mean, you spend more time with that overgrown Schumacher boy than you do

your own wife. Well, now, Hulk, there's a reason for that. It's just... Happy

holidays, everybody.

Hey, it's Stan Atkins. Oh, Mr.

Booty. Mr.

Booty, you're coming and taking it back. Thank God. Actually, no, Hulk. I just

came to say hello.

Damn. Merry Christmas, little brother. Merry Christmas to you, bully.

Well, isn't this nice?

I got something for you, too.

I just got to find it. Just wait right there.

Great.

Honey, we got to go over and see if Nancy has an extra Christmas gift under

tree. Come on, let's go. Gary, not again.

We'll be right back.

See you all later.

Well, Hulk, how have you been?

Oh, fine, fine. You know, old Gary lets fly a real corker every month or two.

Must make it mighty nice for you. Yeah, but you know...

Miss Billy Crystal needs a driver, too. In fact, his people have been after me.

They said I could name my own price.

Oh, they did, did they?

Uh -huh.

Well,

I suppose $80 a week doesn't go as far as it used to.

What would you say to $90?

What would you say to $200 ,000 a year?

I am the Goshen.

That is some race.

I'm worth every penny. I'm his analyst, his driver, his financial advisor, his

acting coach.

Now, I notice the improvement. Oh, Lord.

It's like delivering a baby cow.

Well, okay, Hope.

You got yourself a deal.

Keep it quiet, though.

I only pay Pete $50 ,000 a year to be Gary's friend.

My ears are burning.

You guys talking about me?

No, no, no, no.

Merry Christmas, Bully.

Thank you. Hope you like it.

Should I open it now?

No, no, no, no, no.

You open that when you get home.

Well, I'll go home right now and open it up.

Well, thank you. Sure.

Good to see you.

See you later, Bully. See you later. Bye.

Hope you drive a mighty hard bargain.

Hard bargain?

What does he mean, hard bargain? Well, since I learned to read, I picked up a

copy of The Art of the Deal by Donald J. Trump.

That's a good read, isn't it, Hoke? I sure enjoy the board games.

But that's not all I read. I also picked up a copy of Soul on Ice, the

autobiography of Malcolm X, and I rented a copy of Do the Right Thing.

Ooh, the movie with the astronauts.

I love that movie.

Gary, there's going to be some changes around here. I'm not going to wear this

uniform no more.

I'm going to drive whatever speed I like. And from this moment on, I'm going

talk like this.

Well, so will I.

Me too.

Oh, just a little Herodotus in the original Greek.

Oh, that's nice.

Hey, slow down.

Slow down. Slow down, I say. Now turn left. Turn left. Turn left, Miss Gary.

Hulk, don't call me Miss Gary.

How would you like if I called you Miss Hulk?

I'd kick that walker right out from under you.

Fair enough.

Fair enough.

There we go.

It's just a napkin, Gary.

I think it hasn't been the same since Miss Phoebe passed away.

Yeah, it just goes to show if you don't give a woman something to do, she just

ups and dies on you. That's not going to happen to me. I better eat some pie.

Let me give you a hand, Gary.

I read your book, Eldridge Cleaver for White People. You shouldn't be helping

with this.

Oh, come on. Give me the spoon.

Give me the spoon.

Why?

I'm afraid your mind took a wrong turn and dropped you off at the corner.

Here we go.

Now, isn't that better?

Yes.

You know, Hulk? What?

You're my best friend.

Well, same here, Gary.

Same here.

like you, too, huh?

Here we go. Here we go. Eat up.

A little more.

Come on, a little more.

No, one more.

Yes, you do.

I can't eat more.

Yes, you can.

There's lots of pie here. We don't want to waste it now, do we? Here. I can't

eat more.

Well, that's it. That's the last episode of the whole series. Boy, it went by

like that, didn't it?

If you want to keep your TVs, now that's up to you. I hope you enjoyed this... I

didn't even give you a space to laugh there, did I?

I hope you enjoyed this parody of Driving Miss Daisy that we did, and I

thank Paul Winfield for playing Hulk and Dan Aykroyd for playing Bully.

And if you don't mind, I'd like to take one last drive through the old

neighborhood. Good night, everybody, and thanks a lot.