Original subtitles

Welcome to the show.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

That's really nice of you.

My love.

Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot.

You know, I'm here at the La Quinta Health Club. I'm getting ready to do a

in the steam room.

And, well,

you know, you get a gig, you got to take it.

I'm actually not the only TV celebrity here.

Actually, in the jacuzzi next to me.

are the Golden Girls.

Hey, Ru.

Betty. B.

Hey.

Come on, quit dunking Estelle.

Does it look like they're really there?

Thanks a lot.

Anyway, listen, I don't want you to worry. I'm not going to be in tonight's

very much, but I'm really excited because everyone back at the condo,

going to do a talent show.

So it's going to be great. A talent show. I mean, I can't...

I believe we haven't done one before, quite frankly.

And I just can't believe it myself.

I'm excited.

Gary, Gary, it's me, pal. How do I look?

Hey, that's Brad, my manager.

Thanks for the gig, Brad.

Really appreciate it. And this man here, that's Mr. Shravely, the head of the

network. Remember, if you're ever in a jacuzzi, don't reach up and touch your

set.

Gary, I don't want you to worry about a thing. This is going to be a great

talent show. Oh, boy, a talent show. You guys have really touched the bottom

this time.

Don't you know that everybody does a talent show? Yes, Mr. Stradley, but they

didn't have Leonard Smith or Pete Schumacher. These are fresh faces.

They've been on the Shannon Show. No one's ever seen them.

Don't fool me, okay? I hate being fooled.

Mr. Stradley, one question.

What's the hottest show on television today?

America's funniest, stupidest home video.

Jack, amateurs making fools out of themselves for free. Well, what have we

here?

Grilnick, you son of a gun.

I like the way you think. I like the way you think.

Now, why don't you sit down and let me get this party started.

All right.

And, Garrett, you just sit back and relax.

This was for you, pal.

Because we love you.

Hey, hon.

Turn that thing off, will you, man?

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary told me that's what happened if I was like a

tombstone. Come on, what's happening?

How do you like it so far? How do you like the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our show.

My name is Brad Brillnick, and I will be your host for this evening's

festivities. Ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, two times.

Yeah, two times.

Oh, man.

Oh, Brad.

I'm really sorry.

Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it, Phoebe.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a nice hand for Gary's lovely wife, Phoebe.

Why don't you tell us all what your talent is?

Well, I'm doing the laundry, actually.

Nobody does it better than you do, sweetheart. Take, if you please, a

laundry music.

You know, ladies and gentlemen, if you were to look up platonic girlfriend in

Mr. Webster's dictionary, you would find a two -word definition.

Nancy Bancroft McPfeiffer. And here she is now. Let's have a warm Sherman Oaks

welcome for our Nancy.

You know, many of you know me as Gary's platonic girlfriend, Nancy.

But tonight, I'd like to show you a little different Nancy.

A Nancy that just might shock you a little.

Brad?

Because sometimes when Gary's out of the room and Grant's all tucked

in for the night, Nancy gets a little bit naughty.

Nice, but naughty.

You know my key.

I'm called Little Buttercup.

Thank you.

Let's have a nice hand for Nancy.

You loved her

anyway, didn't you, folks?

You know, ladies and gentlemen, last night as I was paging through Mr.

Crollier's encyclopedia, I came across a heading for suave Scotsman.

And I bet you know whose picture I saw.

That's right, Nancy's better half.

The best thing to come out of Scotland since cashmere.

Mr. Ian McPhyfer.

Good evening

and thank you.

Tonight... I will recite the St. Christmas Day speech from Henry V while

the perfect martini. Thank you.

A little music, my liege, thank you.

shall stand a tiptoe when this day is named, and rouse him at the name of

Crispin.

He that sees this day, and lives old age, will on the yearly vigil beat his

neighbor and say, Tomorrow is St. Crispin.

Don't worry.

I'm not going to hurt you.

After all, we're neighbors.

Where are we?

We're under Gary's audience.

I love it here.

It's so quiet, especially on a show night.

You mean you live under the audience?

It's not so bad.

Besides, what more does a man need besides love?

Love.

Phoebe, love.

Give me a kiss. No.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

But I've loved you from afar.

I can't stand you with a lipped one.

You know, it is he who should be wearing this mask.

How? dare you? How dare you kidnap me and then you talk about my husband like

that? Don't be mad at me.

I love you.

I love you so.

I love your beautiful voice.

It is you alone who should be singing tonight.

Me?

Me singing? Oh, you really are a nut. Me? No, I sing in the shower. That's

I sing.

Oh, that I know.

What?

No, no, no, no. I've heard you from the drain.

You sing like an angel.

And you don't waste water?

That's great. That's really swell, pal. But listen, I've got to put the clothes

in the dryer, okay? So I'll see you later.

Haven't you heard a word I said?

I want to set you free.

You will sing my song tonight, for I will sabotage every act

except yours.

What do you mean, sabotage?

Who do you think breathed the piano?

I'll give you a hint.

Fantom?

Hello.

Just the way you say my name.

I will do anything for you.

Oh, well, great. So don't sabotage Gary's show.

No, I can't help you with that, but... I love you so.

Name anything else.

Well, you could let me go.

No, no, but that's closer.

Name something else.

Oh.

Let's look.

Look at it this way. You went out with a bang.

You're a trooper. You're a trooper.

You bulled me. This is the worst.

Real people caught in the act of hurting themselves.

What can it cost us? Half a dozen roses and a get well card.

You know, ladies and gentlemen.

Sometimes in this crazy business of ours, some very talented people get

overlooked.

Well, that's not going to happen as long as Brad Brilnick is calling the shots.

So I would like to take this moment to introduce you to our marvelous piano

player, Mr. Vic Domain.

Not too much, not too much, you'll want to get paid.

You know, ladies and gentlemen, my old buddy Vic, unlike myself, is a man of

very few words. As a matter of fact, He likes to let his music do his talking.

Watch.

So, Vic, tell me something.

What do you do when you're not playing piano?

He's a conductor on the Sherman Oaks trolley. You are a nut, you know that?

really are a nut.

In Germany, the word Schumacher means one who makes shoes.

Hey, Vic, I'll do the jokes, baby.

In America...

It means something entirely different. It means one who makes entertainment.

Don't you dare.

Ladies and gentlemen, picture, if you will, a struggling gypsy family.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the family Schumacher.

¶¶

Pennies from heaven.

You know, I wrote that song.

But when you look on the credits, do you see written by the Phantom?

No. You wrote so many beautiful songs.

I wrote many, many beautiful songs.

All of them stolen.

That's so sad.

It is, isn't it?

The only thing that keeps me going is looking up at you from below.

What?

I mean when you have your pants on.

Phantom is not lascivious.

You have a somewhat filthy mind, don't you?

I love you so much.

Will you sing my song tonight?

Phantom, I can't.

Boy, come over here. Here's this keynote for you. Oh, thanks. Ladies and

gentlemen, the family Schumacher.

Hey,

everybody,

look who's here.

The Gary Sheldon lovely mother who.

Let me hook you with a little memory.

Hey, Ma, how's my hair?

Just kidding, Gary.

But seriously, really.

Thank you. How would you like to raise another nut like that Gary Shanley?

Well, I'd really rather do a triple somersault on a high wire without a net.

Well, that sounds like a segue if I ever heard one.

Ladies and gentlemen, as far as I'm concerned, the circus is back in town.

give a big hand to Flying...

This will be too easy.

I'm the Phantom.

Please not sabotage anybody anymore.

All right.

But does that mean you'll sing my song?

No. Damn.

Wait. I've got an idea.

I'd like... I'd like to drop all this scary talk for a while and reason with

you. Now... First of all, you must do one of two things. Kiss me.

No. Then sing my song.

No.

Damn.

Sam, you know, well, there's something I really want to ask you.

Don't ask.

Don't ask about the mask.

Everyone asks. I should put up a sign. Don't ask about the mask.

I'm sorry.

It's just, you know, you seem like you're in so much pain. I thought you

want to talk about it a little bit, you know.

Talk about hot acid in my face?

That's some way to impress a lady.

This, our first date.

Phantom, I'm married.

Damn.

Oh, my God. Oh, I am so sorry.

Oh, wait. Oh,

excuse me. Oh, I got it. I got it.

Oh, my God.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight, I'd like to take you on a musical adventure with a little help

friends Gigi and Monique.

You know, the gay 90s were rollicking times when La Rouge, Lissa Trek, the Can

-Can... But let me tell you, they couldn't hold a candle to these 90s.

shall we lambada?

Oh, man, the lambada.

This is awful.

The worst.

Is this what you want on the whiny one show?

Then sing my song.

Oh, Santa, look, I can't. I can't perform in front of an audience. Yes,

Yes, you can.

Yes, you can.

I believe in you.

Forget about the audience.

Tonight you will be performing only for me.

Will you sing my song?

My angel of music.

All right, yeah.

The Phantom is a winner!

The Phantom, Phantom of the studio.

Phantom of studio, Phantom of studio.

Oh, a lombard sandwich.

Let's go find some hot sauce, huh?

three kids just danced their hearts out for you.

Listen to me. So far, the only remotely funny gag in this show has been the

monkey boy.

Fine. And if Shandling has taught us anything, it's that one remotely funny

is not enough for a show.

Fine. We'll get the monkey boy to do an encore. Hey. No. Somebody bring the

monkey boy out here.

Ladies and gentlemen, forget everything you've seen up until now, because I now

present to you, performing my song, I wrote it, me, the phantom,

the incomparable Hebe.

There's a place you can go.

I said young man.

When you're short on your dough.

You can stay there.

And I'm sure.

to stay.

Beautiful.

The village people were idiots.

They didn't understand my song. It was never meant to be a gay romp.

It's an homage to a great American institution.

Christian Association.

Sing, my angel.

Sing.

I can take off this mask.

Hey, it cleared up.

I'm not a bad -looking guy.

It's a...