Original subtitles

Thanks. Well, that's great. Welcome.

Welcome to tonight's show.

Welcome. Welcome to tonight's show. That's really nice of you. Actually,

tonight, believe it or not, is our 70th show.

So, well, thanks.

That's really nice.

That's great. I gotta tell you, I gotta tell you, I'm beat. Because when you

figure it out, that's two shows every 35 years. So, it adds up, you know.

Actually, I've been getting real nostalgic about this show because you've

think when we first started the show, Ronald Reagan was still president and

Germanys were still divided.

And I was wearing shirts like this the first season.

Gary, that's my blouse.

And we used to do jokes like that the first season. So we've really grown and

changed and really we've come a long way, I think.

Now it's on to new and better things.

So, uh, thank goodness Brad's on his way, and we'll get to talk to him about

future. Honey, what is all this stuff here?

Oh, just putting out some fruit and cheese for Brad to nibble on. Oh, well,

isn't that our good cheese?

Gary.

Now, honey, when you say Gary, do you mean Gary the TV Gary or the real Gary?

Because then it'll tell me how I should relate. Oh, like there's such a big

difference. Well, there is a big difference, honey, because the TV Gary

have come up with a big joke after that.

Brad, you're late. I know. Some nitwit parked in the handicapped space.

Phoebe, you look terrific.

Thanks, Brad. Something smells great. What have you got in the oven?

Easy off. Great. Save me a slice.

Phoebe, Gary, I would like you to meet someone really special.

My new client, Chris Isaac. Oh. Nice to meet you, Chris. Nice meeting you. Same

here. Same here.

Hey, Brad.

After all this, we're going to have that little talk about my future, right? I'd

love to have that talk, but Chris just flew in from the Bay Area.

We're very busy. We're backed up with meetings. We're running late as it is.

Okay. But by the way, have you played the opening theme song yet?

No, I have not. The show just started, as a matter of fact. You need to get me

out loud here, but what if Chris were to sing your opening theme song? No, he

can't do that. I can see what's happening here. Because it's the same

sings the opening theme every week. Exactly.

Let's freshen it up. Let the audience hear a new voice. There's only two shows

left. New voice. He'll throw everything on. The kid is young. He's hot. He's

today. He's ready to break. Give him a shot.

Gary, I know.

I really love you, man, and I love your show.

And I... Listen to that. And I love your theme song.

He loves you. The kid looks up to you. To me... To me, when I think about your

theme song, it's not just another song.

Your theme song's the only song you've ever written, man. Oh, look at this. Not

only can he sing, but he's a good smoother, too.

That's right.

All right, all right. Okay, Chris, take it. Take it.

This is a theme to Gary's show. All right. Everybody, yeah.

Gary's show.

Gary, call me up.

Ask me to write a theme song.

Almost halfway through it. How do you like it so far?

This is the theme to Gary's show.

Where's he going? Where's he going? He can't go out there? This is the theme to

Gary's show. This is the theme to Gary's show. He called me up.

He asked me to write a theme song.

Halfway through it.

How do you like it so far?

This is the theme to Gary's show.

I said it.

We can take Gary out on the road and open for us. You are hot, but you're not

that hot yet, pal.

I mean, Rome wasn't built in a day, was it? No, it's about a week. Remember the

little club you started out in? Oh, those little clubs. Chris, what are you

doing? Hey, pal, pal, I will get that for you. I will get that for you.

Brad, are we going to have that little talk about my future? We are definitely

going to have that little talk. We are going to have that talk at the Skyline

Cafe at noon.

BB, love you.

Skyline Cafe Noon. Skyline Cafe Noon. What day?

What day? I will call you. I will call you.

Wait by the phone.

You know, he's never picked up my mic once and carried it out.

Or my mic case. I have a beautiful microphone case.

He's never picked up anything of mine. Well, he picked you up once, Gary.

Remember that time you pricked your finger on your belt buckle and you

Honey.

Come on.

Not in front of the A -U -D.

I... E -N -C -E. Oh, no. Am I too late to meet Chris?

Oh, he was just incredible.

I couldn't believe his voice. It was like an angel. I mean, he was

I'm telling you, I've never heard anything so beautiful in my whole life.

thought I was going to faint in my living room watching that. I'm not

And good -looking. Don't you think he was gorgeous?

Sexy, really sexy.

Oh, what a boy. This is Nancy's only moment in the show. Let her know how

you enjoy her milking it. Come on, give her a hand.

You won't believe this. I've been here at the Skyline Cafe every day for the

last two weeks at noon.

And Brad hasn't shown up. And let me tell you, I'm waiting for him to come

because I'll tell you this. The last two weeks, he has really been letting

things slide. Ever since he's handling this Chris Isaac thing, I got checks

here. I got airline questions. By the way, if you're wondering where the view

the Skyline is, it's called the Skyline Cafe.

It unfortunately views out that way. It's spectacular, too.

I'm really sorry you can't see it. This is the clearest day I've ever seen it.

You can see all the way to Texas, I believe that is.

Hey, easy, easy. Oh, boy, someone almost got hurt climbing up the wall of the

Alamo there.

So when he gets here, he's just not doing his job. I'm going to have a

talk with him about...

These checkers.

Unbelievable. I'm sorry I'm late, man, but I've got to tell you something, man.

The music business is nuts.

Oh, yeah. It's just nuts. You know, Chris and I, we go to these meetings,

sit there, and they get into bidding wars. It's like they want to bring us

money in wheelbarrows. Hey, how are you doing? Oh, I'm doing good. You sure?

Yeah, absolutely. You okay? Did you get a chance to fix this jacket from the

comedy barrel in Cleveland? Oh, yeah, yeah.

I just, simple mistake. I just left out a couple of zeros. No harm done.

No, no harm done. A couple of zeros.

Maybe I'm going to have the $2 ,000 omelet.

No, I think I'll just have what you have. Whatever you have, I'll have. What

about these airline reservations?

How did those get screwed up? Because I ended up on the wrong flight altogether.

It didn't show up for the gig or anything.

Pan Am has a flight 401 that leaves at 104 and a flight 104 that leaves at 401.

It's a simple mistake anybody can make.

Brad. Hey, Gary.

What time does flight 401 leave?

104.

All right, so you're a genius.

Great. Let's shift the... Because I have a meeting with Chris in about a half an

hour. In a half an hour. So we've got to eat in a half... Oh, great. Why don't

we just have cereal? That's quick.

I am stunned by this. Do you know where Chris is right now?

He's at the children's hospital, and he's doing a benefit.

You know, they said to Chris, Chris, you can only sing one song. And you know

what song he chose? He chose the theme song from your show because he loves

He loves you, and you're jealous of him. I'm not jealous of him. It has nothing

to do with that. It's just that you're not focused lately since you've been

working with this guy. Let me just put you at ease, okay?

Your career is no longer at the stage where you need constant supervision.

Your career now is more like the stages that a tadpole goes through. Oh, don't

start this. You start out, you're a little tadpole. You're at the bottom of

pond. You're scared. But little by little, you start to grow.

Legs form.

Your tail falls off. I still have my tail.

It's tucked in my pants. You just don't know it's there. This is not the time to

have one of these horrible analogies. Right now, in my opinion, you are a full

-fledged fraud, and you are getting ready to hop from one great job to

Brad, you use these analogies. I don't want to hop from one job to another.

year, I was, I believe, the little train who could.

Everywhere I went, I was saying, I think I can. I think I can. People thought I

had a sex problem of some sort.

You're just not doing your job, and I think that we should talk it out. I just

think that right now we're both going down a road that we don't want to go

that road. We just want to order, and we just want to eat, and we'll both feel

better on a full stomach. I don't know, Brad. You're just not focused lately.

Maybe I need someone who has a little more time, because I don't think the job

is that hard. I don't think I'm asking for too much. You know what I mean?

You know what the hardest part of my job is?

Kissing people's butts. I don't know.

Day in, day out, on the phone, at a meeting. I don't know.

That's number two.

The hardest part of my job is laughing at your jokes.

Oh, now, what are you saying there? What are you saying? That you fake laughs?

Is that what you're saying? Not in the first ten years.

But what about now? I mean, these fishing and these how's my hair jokes,

selling day -old bread here. You love those jokes. You're the one who told me,

do them over and over again. Oh, I constantly fake laughs. Constantly. You

not constantly fake laughs. You think I'm very funny and I know it. Say how's

hair. I can't believe you said that. Say how's my hair. I will not say that. Say

how's my hair. I will not. How's my hair? How's my hair? What do you... Oh.

Oh. Okay, so good laugh.

Oh, go ahead. Go ahead. Turn around and you're like, oh, look at this. Oh, what

a good laugh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Uh, you're fired.

You know that? I quit.

Oh, no, you're fired. I quit, quit, quit. You're fired. I quit. Oh, no.

trying to make... I know how you guys position this, so it looks like you

I fired him.

You guys saw that.

I fired him. You're not faking laughs, are you?

He doesn't pay, and then he says he's faking it. He's faking laughs?

I don't buy it for a second. He's faking laughs.

You've never faked anything, have you, honey?

You know, just the occasional orgasm.

Oh.

But no laughs, right?

Oh. Good.

Oh, never.

Oh, I needed to hear that. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Hi, guys. Hey, Pete.

Hey, hi, Gary. Hey, Gary.

Hey, Gary.

Gary, I read your management agreement. There are enough holes in this thing to

knit a sweater. Great. But you can get out any time you want.

I want out now. You're out. So what do you think?

So you're going to need another manager. Yeah, I know. So what do you think?

About what? About me.

About you? As your manager. As your manager.

As your manager. As my manager? You?

Yeah. Let me think.

Think.

I don't know, Pete. You know, you were a great shoe salesman, and then you

became a lawyer, and I bought your shoe. Gary, you won't regret this. No, Pete,

I was headed for a no there. I mean, you know. Gary, Gary, Gary.

It's a commercial. I have a client that needs someone just like you.

What is it?

It's a commercial.

One day's work. Big money. Big money. Big money.

Well, let me ask Phoebe.

What do you mean, occasional orgasm?

Hello?

Uh, are you like me?

Are you like one out of every five American men who can't grow a beard?

and feel less manly?

Right on.

Well, have I got an answer for us.

Hi, I'm Gary Shandling, and welcome to Medical Breakthroughs.

Thank you.

For... Thank you.

Thank you. For tonight's show, I've traveled all the way to Halifax, Nova

Scotia, the home of locks.

Bird's cold up here. You know, I wish I had a beard right now.

to keep my face warm.

But unfortunately, I've never been able to grow a lush, full -bodied, even

beard.

Which brings us to tonight's guest, Dr. Richard Mellie.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Welcome, Dr. Mellie.

Welcome, and might I say, that's a fine -looking beard you have there.

Well, thank you, Gary, but... Well, I wouldn't give for that.

Most of the credit should go to my latest discovery, Hormone 5000.

Hormone 5000 sounds powerful.

It is, Gary.

Hormone 5000 combines the latest in scientific research with the legendary

-growing secrets of the ancient Vikings.

Without ever having to go on the football field.

Now, Dr. Mellie, you know, I've... really convinced but i think the

needs a little more proof well gary i could show you thousands of testimonials

in our files but instead i'm going to introduce you to one of my patients mr

larry lewis larry hi larry it is

welcome welcome and might i say what a lot of men wouldn't give for that fine

beard well thank you very much gary But, you know, for years I was ashamed of

my, well, my weak chin, sunken cheeks, and asymmetrical features.

You know, I'm mentally shaving you now, Larry, and I can see where that would be

a problem.

Now, Larry, have you, had you ever tried growing a beard before?

Of course I did, but with no luck. I mean, I thought it was hopeless, and,

gosh, then I met Dr.

Mellie.

A thorough examination revealed that Larry had every hormone necessary for

growth except one.

Hormone 5 ,000?

Yes.

Well, I think we know the rest.

But, you know, not every man can come up to Halifax, Nova Scotia, the home of

Locke, the way I have.

Isn't that right, Dr. Mellie?

That's why we're making Hormone 5 ,000 available on a limited basis by mail.

For only $79 .95 per tube.

I must tell you, I'm from Missouri, the show -me state.

And, well, if this product is really so good, I think I'd like to try and grow a

beard right here on the show tonight.

Well, I really wasn't prepared for this, Gary, but let's take a shot at it.

Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers... Hi, it's me, Abe Lincoln.

You know, people used to make fun of me because I had hollow cheeks, no chin,

and asymmetrical features.

But thanks to Hormone 5000, I was able to grow a beard and become President of

the United States.

If you can't trust honest Abe, who can you trust?

Mmm, smells like lock.

Can't watch anymore.

This is the most embarrassing thing I've ever done. I mean, I can't believe I

did that. This is awful. Well, it's not that, Peggy. I mean, it's kind of

educational. You know, a lot of kids don't know the Gettysburg Address.

Very funny. But you know what? I go on to get assassinated, and then they bring

me back to life with hormone 5 ,000.

Come in.

Brad.

Phoebe. Hi, Brad.

Mr. President.

I just wanted to drop off these mementos from 15 years of our association

together. They were cluttering up my garage.

Where would you like me to put them? Well, my second choice is the table.

Thank you very much.

Where are my awards?

You didn't win any awards.

Well, I'll just have you know in the short weeks I have new management, I was

just named.

Hormone 5000 salesman of the week. Really? That's right. It's a beautiful

with hair and a beard right underneath it.

Congratulations. It's an honor long overdue. Hey, Brad, just get off Gary's

back. Pete's doing the best he can.

Pete. That's right.

Pete got you that commercial, Gary. Pete's doing a great job.

Trust me on this. I'm not faking it.

Kids, I would love to stay and talk about Pete and beards, but I've got to

because later today...

A client of mine called Chris Isaac is singing a tune at Dodger Stadium, and

name of that tune is called the National Anthem.

Just so happens there's a tunnel named after me.

Every day,

every day, thousands of people drive right through me.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Garrett.

I showered with it.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to...

Yada, yada, yada, yada.

What were you supposed to say?

People don't want to hear the National Anthem. These kids, they want to hear

Gary's theme. They want the National Anthem. I'm a career maker. I love you,

man. Good. I love you, too. I love you, too. Just sing the National Anthem,

please. You know what you should do?

You could sing the National Anthem, man, and if you think they want to hear it,

I'll go get a couple of hot dogs. I'll wait in the car for you.

You're going to be good.

No, really.

They're going to love you. Come back, Chris.

I'm a stone maker, Chris.

It's great. Okay,

thanks a lot.

You know how bad a singer you gotta be to make a painted backdrop boo?

I've never even seen it before. I've never seen it happen before.

Derry, can you believe that kid only liking to sing one song?

One song? Yeah, tough to build a career on that. How am I supposed to do that?

No, if people turn the record over, they expect something to be there. They go,

what is this, mine for the other part?

What is this?

Even on a compact disc, it runs right out. Good job.

Is that a real laugh?

50 -50. Well, that's not funny.

You know, Gary, now that Chris and I have kind of bought at ways over

differences, you know, I was wondering, I, uh...

He dumped you, didn't he?

On my tailbone. He dumped you, yeah.

I can see that coming.

The yada yada part. I knew he was on it.

When it came to you, I think maybe I might have taken you for granted.

What I was wondering is maybe... We both got a little out of control there.

Exactly. We both got a little bit out of control there.

You know what?

Leonard Smith, the wolfman of Sherman Oaks, he's down at Dodger Stadium right

now howling, take me out to the ballgame. You want to go down there?

I would love it.

It'd be a riot. I would love to go down there. I had such a good time my last

time there. I'd love to go. Well, you're not going to get up and sing this time,

right? No, I promise. And you won't wear that tie, will you? No, I'll take it

off. Okay, great.

Let me get this. No, I can't pay for this. No, no, I'll get this. I'll get