Original subtitles

that but i i thanks very much i must tell you that uh you've come on a

night because uh well i'm i'm not in tonight's episode it's it's thank

goodness you just didn't break out in applause thank goodness thank you for

i i of course would be here tonight but i'm going out on concert tour with uh

i'm opening for guns and roses so

Thank you. Yeah, my mother's thrilled. She's already getting tickets for her

all her friends.

Guns and roses. Gee, I always thought that was two things you just used to

women.

Thanks. I got it out of a joke book in the back. Thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot. Anyway, I just want you to know that I'm not going to leave you

hanging. Don't worry. I'm going to leave you in really capable hands.

Grant.

Listen, Grant.

Gosh, didn't I ask you to wear your nice clothes?

I did.

Grant,

listen to me.

Don't go by how they react.

You know, a small percentage of the viewing public has seen you actually

on this show.

watched you and I mature into very fine young men.

What, are you trying to sell your seeds again, Uncle Gary? No, I am not trying

to sell seeds, Grant.

We've been through this before. I don't need to sell any more seeds. I can buy

just about anything from that catalog I want.

What I want you to do, and it's a big responsibility, I'd like you to take

of my show while I'm... Out on the road. No way.

Man, that's just too much work. No, Grant, no, no, no. It is not too much

It's easy.

The trick is to make it look hard.

Honey, would you excuse me for a second? Sure, honey.

Thanks.

Okay, Grant.

Okay.

I'm going to tell you a secret that I've never told anyone.

Oh, that you were a toupee? Everyone knows that.

That was a misquote in the newspaper. What I said was, I have a teepee.

A very big teepee.

Now, Grant, inside this box is all the wisdom of all the

shandlings from before this show ever existed. All the wisdom before this

all you want.

But did you hear that horn? That's Guns N' Roses coming to pick me up. We have

to go get new tattoos for this tour.

All right? So I need to know your answer now.

Will you take care of this show?

Okay, okay, but just don't make it a habit.

Okay, now there's one thing I want you to know before I leave.

This box can be opened once and only once.

You understand what I'm saying?

Only in a moment of darkness.

When all is lost.

I know there's a temptation to grab it open right now.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Glad you're going to do this.

He's not going to have any problem. This is an easy show. Leonard Smith runs for

head of the condo association.

He runs every year.

He never loses because no one runs against him. Who wants that crummy job?

Why don't you take a look at just all the condo presidents of the past while

listen to the opening theme, okay?

And I'll see you in those big open -air arenas.

How do you like the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch a

Sandling show.

This is the theme to Gary Sandling's show.

I do not plan to have children. Therefore, there is no need for a

in the condo.

Order.

Now, the next order of business concerns the Scottish stew, which Ian brought to

last week's potluck dinner.

We all enjoyed it very much, but what exactly was in that stew?

Well, first of all, it wasn't a stew.

It's called haggis, and it's made from the heart of a lamb, the brain of a cow,

suet, and oatmeal, and it's all boiled together in the stomach of a sheep.

I thought I tasted hard. You said that.

Be there in May, Ian.

Article 4, Section 3 of the Condo Constitution states... No unusual organ

Oh, Blair. What are you doing here? Please, you've already outlawed Kim

Korean quiche and Elwood Pete's old -fashioned possum pie. Come on. Listen.

can't do that. It's not. I know what's good for you, so shut up and like it.

Shut up and like it.

Now, the final order of business will be the election of president of the condo

association, followed by a gala inaugural ball at my pad.

Sure. There'll be cookies and punch, sir, but no packets. Are there any

nominations?

Yes,

yes. I'd like to nominate Leonard Smith for condo president.

Clever lad.

Is there a second?

Very well, then, by acclamation for a fifth uncontested... Excusez -moi,

-moi.

Bonjour, Jacques de Gaulle, condo 5Z.

Well, Jacques,

it's always a pleasure to hear from the peanut gallery, but since you're new

here, you probably don't know that you can't nominate yourself.

Jacques, do you like haggis?

Yeah, mais oui.

Ah, well, there's a man with taste.

Hell, I'll nominate him.

Hey, hell, I'll second it.

Well, it appears I have a challenger.

I am très scared.

I am too, because as everybody knows, if you notice, all the bulbs in the

parking lot are burned out.

So this is a very serious situation.

Imagine if some muggers would come to me and say, Hey Frenchie, give me your

money. Me?

No, no, please do not touch me. No, me.

mean to joke.

This is a serious problem that would take all my attention if I would be

elected.

Jock sounds great.

And his primitive humor would spice up this doll condo meeting.

Who

the

heck is this guy? I mean, Leonard can be a pain, but... Let's just vote for him,

and then we can get the hell out of here.

Bravo, boy, bravo.

It had to be said.

Okay, let's move on. Now, wait a minute, Leonard. I've been after you for three

months to hang that chandelier in my condo, and you haven't done anything.

I mean, no offense.

Well, not taken, Phoebe, because I never heard it.

That remark was stricken from the record.

And I advise all the rest of you to ignore that violent outburst. Hey,

Listen, you can't do that.

Phoebe has a right to speak her mind. I left Korea to avoid an oppressive condo

dictator much like Leonard.

Will you people be quiet?

The condo constitution gives me the right to terminate discussion as I see

Leonard, excuse me, but where is this? alleged condo constitution you keep

citing. Has anyone else ever seen it? I do. I do have a copy just here.

Constitution of the condominium. Look at that.

Who

needs

such a big constitution for such a little condominium?

Surely the rules could be simplified.

Yes, Jacques, you've proven you can amuse us, but you have no experience

a condominium.

Oh, mais pardon.

Mais pardon. In Paris, I run the Ritz -Carlton Hotel.

Oh, the Ritz -Carlton is a fabulous hotel, and it serves a very succulent

haggard.

Thank you for the information, Ian.

Maybe you can tell us something else.

Maybe you can tell us how much being a gigolo pays.

All those in favor of staying the course with a proven winner, me, raise your

hand.

All those in favor of this unknown French buffoon, raise your hand.

So long, suckers!

You won't be seeing Leonard Smith around here for a long, long time.

Everybody, everyone to my place for Beaujolais and Camembert.

The chandelier. Yes.

You'll see soon.

Miss Phoebe will enjoy the finest chandelier in Sherman Oak.

Thanks to me. No,

I don't cross ladder. Besides, I like music.

this at the Ritz -Carlton?

All the time.

There you go. Garth, have a good day.

Hello, Richie, old boy. The usual.

Three sheep stomachs coming right up.

You know, Ian, I really appreciate your taking this crap off my hands, but I

gotta ask you something.

Are you a Satanist?

No, but I'm willing to read any literature you might have.

Hello, Leonard.

Ian?

Look, I'm... I'm terribly sorry about the election.

And I apologize if I provoked you.

And you, in turn, apologize for calling me a gigolo. I'm not a gigolo, you know.

We live off my vast family fortune.

Vast. Very vast.

Well, fully for you.

My life is a shambles. Oh, Leonard, it is not.

See this tenderloin?

Yesterday, it was a living, breathing cow.

Today, it's meat.

Yesterday, I was condo president.

Now, I'm nothing but 200 pounds of U .S. grade -A bum.

Sooner or later, we all end up dead meat.

Well, that's why I live life to the fullest.

Ian, that big stupid grin of yours doesn't fool anybody.

It doesn't?

We know it just hides a huge mass of insecurities.

Oh, my God, Leonard, you're right.

People equals meat.

You know, I think we're really on to something there.

Hey, Ian, your sheep stomachs are ready.

Pop them in the fridge, old bean.

I'll be here for a while.

Dreams are like chickens.

See?

Hey, that's my chicken.

It's my dream.

Come, come here.

I need your help. Please, can you hold this sign for a while?

I do the pounding. Okay. All right.

Whoa.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Hold the sign.

Hold the sign.

Some other time? Oh, yes.

So true. Oh, Javier worked with them, too.

Hey.

Oh, hi, Phoebe.

Hey, what's wrong, Grant?

Phoebe, I failed.

What do you mean? This whole thing is a disaster.

I totally let Gary down.

Well, that doesn't sound like the lazy, uncooperative Grant I remember.

You're right. I guess I have grown. Well, that's great. I'm proud of you.

Uh, Phoebe, I don't mean to be rude, but, I mean, this is your house and

everything, but could you leave me alone for a minute?

Oh, you want to look in that magic box, don't you?

You know about the box? Sure, I know about the box. I opened it once by

I thought Gary had bought me a diamond, but... Good luck, Grant.

Excuse me, Grant.

Good gag, huh?

Thank you. Thank you very much. And this is not an illusion.

I actually cut the lower part of my body off just for my audience.

What is it, Grant? I was sleeping.

Gary, is that really you?

Is that really you, Grant?

Of course it's me.

What is it now? What's the problem? When I left you, I said, please don't use

this unless you really have to. Well, I mean, this crazy French guy's taken over

and he's ruining the condo.

Oh, really?

And what about the one you call Leonard?

Well, Leonard's at a butcher shop and he won't come home.

God, I'm in over my head.

What would you do?

What is it? He won't stop ordering?

All right.

Go talk to Phoebe.

Go talk to Nancy.

Go talk to Pete.

I don't know who else has been on the show, but talk to everybody you can. I'm

going to go get Leonard and bring him back.

Oh, Gary, you're so wise.

Hey, Grant.

Grant, are the faves to come out yet? Oh, sure. Oh, Phoebe.

I got that diamond for you.

I'll get off my back.

Oh, thanks, Gary.

I'm not that wise. I went for this gag.

Here you go, Leonard. Leonard, six pork chops.

You want me to wrap them up for you?

No, Richie, why hide the truth?

Well, here comes Leonard.

Take a good hard look at these pork chops.

Each a mirror of the soul.

Hey, Richie, I got hit by a coconut. You got a nice piece of meat?

Doesn't anybody eat that stuff anymore?

Here. Thanks, Richie. What do I owe you? Forget it. Sure, bye.

Well, hiya, son.

Hi, Dad. Son, put on a smile.

Each person has his own pork chop. Uncle Leonard.

Leonard, Leonard. You've got to come back to the condo.

Go back to that den of vipers?

Tell him he can be condo president again.

If you go back, he can be condo president again.

Who needs that?

I've got a budding cult here that regards me as their Mohammed.

Tell him he's a good -looking man.

And a big disappointment.

I can't say that.

Just tell him the last part.

Leonard, you're a big disappointment.

You're big for 15.

What a smartass.

You should have told him he was good looking. He always goes through that.

Gary. Gary, it doesn't work. It just didn't work. Gary, it didn't work. It

didn't. Come on. Let's go.

Let's go. Just start the meeting.

Okay,

I hereby call the emergency meeting to order So tell me, what is the big

emergency? For one thing, you destroyed all my flowerpots. Yeah, right. And you

blew up my stove.

Yeah. Well, isn't Jacques entitled to a few mistakes?

Wait a minute. I heard a rumor that you were an escaped mental patient. What?

Well, maybe so, maybe not.

All comedy is a shamble. If comedy grows stale, I meant Leonard Urbain's put

-down. Oh, who could say that?

We'll try this on for size.

Listen, you feeble French fry, sir, get your derriere out of my chair.

And my front, too.

Look at that.

Leonard, isn't it that I am the president now and you are in the peanut

Well, according to our beloved Constitution.

Section 6, Article 5.

A president can be recalled up to one month after the election.

All in favor of making Leonard president, say aye. Aye!

All right.

Leonard, what made you change your mind?

Well, uh, all that talk about meat was making me pretty hungry.

Steaks for everybody.

Come on.

Oh, what the hell.

Haggis for everybody.

Well, seems that I reached my Waterloo.

So there's one thing left for me to do.

I'm going to kill myself.

With the electric chair.

The firing squad.

The gallows, the gallows.

Well,

that's the show for tonight.

And I hope you enjoyed the physical comedy that was done on the show

We've gotten a lot of letters saying, do more physical stuff.

I personally prefer...

Hope you enjoyed it. Gary Chanico.

Aye.