Original subtitles

And I guess that's the reason I find slipper socks to be warmer than regular

slippers.

And so, dear listeners, that concludes another edition of Gary's Fireside Chat.

Tune in your radios next week for more household tips and down -home quips.

All brought to you by Alpine Soap. It's gentle enough for my Phoebe's face, yet

tough enough to clean my Phoebe's car.

Goodbye, America. And remember, don't be a stranger.

Take care.

Nice show, honey.

Oh, thanks, and I really appreciate that. I think it's just in time. The

was starting to really burn my back.

Oh, hi, everybody. Welcome to my TV show. You probably didn't know I have a

little radio show on Sunday mornings. I'm really proud of it. I love radio

because it's one of the few mediums where you can still use your

For instance, when I do this, the listener at

home has to imagine two horses holding these cups and doing this.

Anyway, now why don't you try it at home? While Phoebe and I take down my

show, why don't you imagine that we're doing something a little more

interesting?

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like

the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary's Sandling show.

This is my TV jacket.

My radio listeners never get to see this jacket.

Hey, Gar, great radio show.

And the TV show's getting off to a pretty good start, too. Well, it was

walked in.

Perfect squelch, Gar.

Touché.

Hey. Fire hose.

Rated double X.

Introducing Gary Shandling?

Leonard, where did you dig this up?

From the boys in the quad.

Yeah, where did they get it? From the boys in the quad next door. Listen,

it's really, really big with boys in a quad all over town.

I'm not really in it. It was something I did when I was in college. Really, it's

nothing. I worked for one day to make a little extra money, and I didn't have

sex or anything in that, really.

I think you're being too modest, but then isn't that your way?

I think if I had sex, I'd be one of the first to know, really.

Let's put it on. Let's put it on.

Let's not and say we did. Come on. Come on, you lovebirds. Let's get the show on

the road here. Come on.

You know, Phoebe, I think you're going to love this one. It's some of Gary's

best work.

You guys are building yourself up for a big disappointment. I'm telling you,

there's nothing, there's nothing to this.

comes the good part.

Hey!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

That's not, that is, that's not me.

That's not me.

No, no, that's, you can't tell because his back is to you and he's got a fire

helmet on, but that's not me. No, no, no, no, no. Here, you got nothing to be

ashamed about. That's a magnificent performance.

Leonard, that was, I... No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, I know what this was. This

must have been edited. That's what this was, because all I was was Captain Joe.

I came in, I burst through the door, I said, where's the fire? And then this

guy, this Captain Jumbo was his name, he came in and he did all this stuff. I

had nothing to do with that.

It's not okay. They shouldn't have done that. You know, we all did things in the

past that we regret and are ashamed of and lose sleep over at night and carry

around with us all day and that kind of thing. Don't turn this into a therapy

session. It's a comedy show, for God's sake.

I did not. That is not me. Listen, Garrett, the Condo Film Society is going

be screening this on Friday at midnight.

So maybe you'd like to review the tape. If you could stop by for a little Q &A

and shake a few hands. I mean, so much to the boys. I am not coming by. Great.

Thanks a lot. See you later, Phoebe.

Lucky girl.

Why are you a lucky girl? Because I'm marrying Captain Joe.

I'm here in the Sherman Oaks videotape store, and you know what? It's even

than I thought. Come here. Look at this.

How's my hose?

What's my mother going to say when she sees this?

She's going to see right through this pun.

She's going to know. She's going to know.

When she told me the facts of life, she used that word.

Here's my plan. You know what I could do?

I could rent every one of these videotapes, all right? $1 .99 a day for

of my life, let's say.

I live to 70, God willing. Times $1 .99. That would be $1 ,589 ,625 .72.

Rain Man, I challenge thee.

Excuse me, I'm going to rent that, sir.

Grant! Uncle Gary!

You must have been confused with someone else.

What would your mother say if she saw you renting X -rated videos?

What would my parents say if they saw your naked butt?

Captain Joe!

It just so happens I know what you've heard about this, but I'm innocent.

Yeah, you're innocent.

That's right. Just like Rob Lowe, Vanessa Williams, and Madonna.

The only hero I have left is Thomas Jefferson.

Thomas Jefferson.

Thank goodness Grant didn't see this.

1776.

The Declaration of Indy Panties.

I said no.

Bangor, Maine, you're on the air. What would you like to ask Gary?

Gary, how could you do all those disgusting things in that movie?

That wasn't me. How many times do I have to say it? That was someone else.

Houston, Texas, you're on the air.

I think you're a repulsive, slimy worm.

You know, that's not a question, buddy.

Name's Iowa.

What's the best time to plant seed corn? Get off my back, man.

Get off my back. I didn't do anything wrong, for God's sakes. And why don't

buy some alpine soap? Maybe you can use it to wash your dirty minds.

Until next week, this is Gary Shandling saying goodbye, America.

Don't be a stranger.

Honey, I...

No, I am not all right. Do you believe this? That's all they asked about was my

movie. Every call was about the movie. How come no one calls in anymore and

says, Gary, what causes snow? Do you know?

How do you get gum off a dog? Gary, can you help us?

Fire hose this.

Fire hose that.

Oh, Gary, we heard the show. I'm so sorry.

Yeah, you think in a supposedly liberated country like this, a man would

to make all the dirty movies he wants.

Come on, he didn't do all that dirty stuff. Oh, come on, Liz. Ladies, let's

cloak ourselves in this deception.

We should all be brave enough to stand up naked in front of the world like

I'll get it.

Oh, man, it's a big door out there.

Oh, wait.

Oh, I don't have a peephole.

Where's my door?

Yes? Mr. Shanley, I'm Al Pine, president of Al Pine Soap.

Mr. Pine, won't you come in, please? This is my fiancée Phoebe and my

Nancy and Ian. Please, this is not a courtesy call. I'm not here to meet

and friends.

I'm here to inform you that you've given your last fireside chat.

But why, Mr. Pine?

Because there are certain things even my soap can't wash away, including having

a lecherous fireman for a spokesman.

But if he puts on a good show, Mr. Pine, what does it matter how many bloody

tarts he beds down with?

I'm sorry. He's from another land.

I don't even know what a tart is. And it's for that movie. It wasn't me in

movie. I swear.

Can you prove it?

Well, I can't now, but give me a chance.

Hmm.

Let me tell you a little story, Mr. Shanling.

When my father invented alpine soap back in 1988,

One of our competitors spread a rumor that we were making our soap with dog

Boy, that's horrible. Isn't it?

After considerable time and expense, we cleared our good name and we drove that

competitor into bankruptcy.

Chandling, you've got a week to prove your innocence.

Oh, thank you. If you do that, then I'll be happy to meet fiancé and friends.

Thank you, Mr. Pine.

One week. Great. I have one week.

How am I going to do this in a week? Well, you know, maybe one of the other

actors in this film could clear this up for you. Maybe we should go try and find

this guy, Jumbo McGee. Oh, yeah. I'm sure we could find him. Wait a minute.

That's a great idea.

I think Phoebe and I could do that. Sure. We've been wanting to do a project

together, right? Yeah. Come on.

Come on, let's get my car.

First off, the DMV. Of course, they'll give us a list of addresses.

Exactly. I want to make some sandwiches for the road. Great. Oh, I feel like

ham. Oh, I feel like cheese.

Ham and cheese sandwiches.

Beautiful.

Chicks.

Ian, we should have a project, too.

We should try to find Helen Falls.

Very good, very good. First stop, let's make some sandwiches.

You got any bacon?

What? I've got lettuce and tomatoes.

Have you got any beans?

I've got franks.

Have you got any peanut butter?

I've got jam.

What are you talking about?

I don't have any peanut butter.

Obviously, we have no chemistry as a team.

Yeah, phone books.

What I'd like you to do... is look up every Helen Falls that's in here, and

we'll go.

Gary, there are six Helen Falls alone in Pittsburgh.

Four in Houston.

You know what? We're going to have to drive. I can't run up this kind of phone

bill.

Oh, boy, I'll tell you, I don't want to be the guy who has to fold up this map

on the way back.

What exactly are you going to do, Gary? We're going to drive from state to state

and ask each one if she's the Helen Falls who was the porno queen.

Well, I'm sure they're going to take that well.

Are you Helen Falls, the porno queen, about 20 years ago?

Yeah.

Lucky shot. That was a lucky shot.

Lucky shot. That was a very lucky shot.

I had to, Gary. It looked like you were about to ask me.

Would you call that lucky shot too, Gary?

That's very good, Rosalie, but remember, stay within the lines.

I'm telling you, Gary, that's her. She's the one. That is not her. Every time

you say that, I get slapped.

Funny, but how does life deal with that? Yeah, well, you ask her this time.

Maybe I will. Okay.

Eye of the tiger. Eye of the tiger.

I say, Miss Falls.

Yes, just keep coloring, children.

What can I do for you?

Are you Miss Helen Falls?

Start of the incredibly salacious romp, fire hose?

No. Now, if you don't leave immediately, I'm going to have to call the deacon.

Come on, let's get out of here. I don't want to get hit by another deacon. Not

so fast, Gary.

Why don't you call the deacon?

Maybe he'll help you remember the past.

Now, can you deny it here in God's house on a Sunday on the Feast of St.

Crispin? Can you, can you, can you?

All right, it's me.

So what?

Miss Falls, I know how you must feel. I was in that movie, too. Do you remember

me at all? Uh, no.

Gary, Gary Shanley. I played, I played Captain Joe. Remember, I had the fire

on and I came into the dark. I'm Captain Joe. And where's the fire? Where's the

fire? Did you remember me at all? I had that.

This won't fit. This won't fit. Do you remember me? No.

He was the only one in the entire movie that I didn't sleep with. You see?

Not that I wanted to.

Sure you did. But the thing is, Miss, if you could come forward with this

information, it would really save my radio show. It would mean a lot, I

to everybody.

No, no. Look, I am sorry, but I can't. I have worked hard to bury my past. I'm

not going to give up on it. Oh, no, you see. Ian, Ian. She's right.

She's right.

We butted in where we don't belong. It's my problem, Miss Falls, and I'll take

care of it. I don't know.

How much to apologize? I'm so sorry. We'll leave you in your new life. Good

luck. Thank you.

We should have never shown up in the first place.

Sorry. Sorry to really have intruded.

Has she said wait yet?

No. She'll say wait.

In every movie scene I've ever seen, you give a little speech like I just gave

and they yell, wait.

She'll say it. And you act surprised when she yells wait.

Wait. You forgot your scarf.

Right.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

This is our problem. We'll take care of it.

Be nice.

She'll say it again.

I have some sad, sad news.

This is the last time I'll be speaking to you.

This fire hose thing has brought down the whole house of cards.

As I look across at my lovely fiance, Phoebe, sitting there,

her eyes filled with admiration.

I'd like to remember the good times we've had on this show.

The fabulous interview I had with the delicious Ethel Merman.

Who knew she had two cats?

I don't think anyone did till that interview.

How about the What's Gary Got in His Pocket contest? Remember that?

Only I got it right.

And I guess since this is my last broadcast, I can tell you that...

My Uncle Jimmy McDonald is me.

Aye, it's a sad day, laddie.

Oh, we'll be right back.

After this commercial word from Alpine Soap, those people that make that soap

enrich with dog fat.

Where have you been?

We've been all over the country.

Yeah, we even went to a place called Oklahoma, and we talked to red Indians.

Oh, I was slapped by everybody.

Well, we found this guy right away, but there's only one Jumbo McGee in the

phone book. Jumbo. Harry, put her there.

Hey.

Look here.

I hear you're in a little bit of trouble.

Oh, boy, I'll say.

I've come to help you, little buddy.

Yeah, Phoebe?

Play the tape. Okay. Oh, I don't want to watch that tape again. Every time I

watch it, I see something new.

Oh, wow.

You really will this time. It's the unedited version.

This is the unedited version? Right.

Oh, that's great news.

I'm sorry, ma 'am.

I've got a job to do.

Oh, Joe.

Honey, you have to learn how to make business with pleasure.

Captain Joe!

Captain Jumbo!

What are you doing here?

Get the fire hose, Captain Joe.

I'll take care of this woman.

Yes, sir.

You see?

You see what happened?

I'm crushed.

This won't fit.

This won't fit.

That's right. I couldn't get my axe through the door.

It has to be at just the right angle.

That's where they cut the scene.

You wouldn't stop talking to the camera.

Thanks, John. Well, thanks a lot. Hey, Gary, I'm glad I could help you out.

Well, now that Firehose has gotten the recognition it deserves, I can quit my

job at the State Department and return to my first love, acting.

Other than that, it's been a great show.

You know, it's a great feeling to know your friends can pull behind you. It's

like our forefathers did over 200 years ago. It's depicted in this terrific

video.

1776, the declaration of in the panties.

Want to see it?

Good night.

For 17 days, he labored at the tats.

He consulted no person or book, but set down in vivid words the principles of

human freedom that he and other men of his time had come to cherish.

He wrote the most eloquent declaration of human

freedom ever set down by man.

It made the American cause more than a struggle for national independence.

It made it a struggle for the rights of man.

The others on the drafting committee found Jefferson's work good.

With almost no change, they presented it to the Congress.

Lee's resolution for independence was adopted on July 2nd.

Then the convention began debate on the declaration.

There was lively discussion largely about the section of the document.

that gave a detailed list of the wrongs done to the colonies by King George III.

A number of delegates doubted the wisdom of including certain controversial

passages, such as the one denouncing the king for insurrection.