Original subtitles

Thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot.

Sam.

Thank you very much. Well, thank you. Welcome to the show. Welcome to the

Don't get scared by the bag. I haven't turned into a prop comic.

Thank you. I love it when there's only one person who really gets that joke.

This is here because tonight is the show. I go to Colorado to meet Phoebe's

family.

Okay, I know.

I know what you're thinking.

Really, and that's the frightening part.

I know.

You're thinking, tell me the details. All right, all right.

Denver is the capital.

Colorado's the 38th state.

Let me know if I'm following you up on some of these.

The state bird is the lark bunting, I believe. Can anyone confirm that?

It is the lark bunting.

I don't know why anyone would applaud the lark bunting, but that's your

business.

Famous Coloradans include Jack Dempsey, Mamie Eisenhower, Doug Fairbanks, and,

of course, Phoebe Bass.

Of those four people, I think I've chosen the best one to sleep with.

Can anyone confirm that?

It is? It is.

It is the lark buntings.

Nancy, you got everything in store there? Oh, yeah, Gary, I got the

down. 8 .45, I'll be bringing in the paper. Right. 10 .20, bring in the mail.

Right. And, of course, water the plants every morning.

And?

Every evening.

Except?

The ones in the bedroom. Because?

They're artificial. They're artificial.

That's right.

The real plants in my bedroom all died of shock.

Oh, Gary, meat in the family, huh?

Step three.

Yeah, step three.

What are you talking about?

Well, you meet, you date, you meet the family, you marry, you mate. Wait a

minute. There's a lot more steps than that. For me, okay, you call the girl.

She hangs up. You call her.

She hangs up.

You drive by. She hides behind the furniture.

Then you meet.

Then you call the family, they hang up. Right, right.

Then you drive around the family house.

Just do me a favor. Maybe 92 steps there. Look, when you're there, because

telling you, when you marry someone, you marry the whole family. Married?

Married? I'm not getting married.

Can anyone confirm that?

It is? It's the lark bunting.

I gotta go.

I gotta pick up Phoebe.

Hi. You sure you got everything?

Yeah, I got everything.

And I'll see you.

When I get back, oh, and all of you, listen, you know, there's just not a

big enough to take all of you, so you'll have to drive.

I hope you don't mind, but if you leave now, really, you'll get there in time.

Good luck, and step on it.

This is the theme to Gary's show, the theme to Gary's show.

Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme song.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like the

theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost in the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch a

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

This is going to be fun. I'm looking forward to meeting your family.

with me this time. Me too.

You know, but just remember, no matter what happens, Remember, they really are

sweet. I know, they're sweet.

And they mean well. And they mean well.

I know, you tell me this all the time, honey.

It'll be great. I can't wait to meet your dad. He sounds like a great guy.

And your brother, Chester, I can't wait to meet him. Now, Chester, I just want

you to remember he's my half -brother. No, it doesn't matter. Because he's a

little odd. I was a little odd when I was younger, too. Everybody is. Yeah, I

can imagine that you were pretty odd. But Gary, no, but the thing about

is... He wasn't that odd.

He was a lot, honey.

No, but let me tell you the thing that Chester does every night.

He takes out a notebook and he writes down what he wore, what he ate, and what

the weather was like on that day. I mean, he's strange.

Yeah, he's strange.

That is a little strange.

But we're going to have fun.

Yeah, we will. Because we'll be together. I know. I know.

I'm going to take a little nap, okay?

Okay. Just remember, they mean well. They mean well.

Okay, you got that.

I got it. I got it. I love you, dear. Oh, I love you.

She always says I love you right before she goes to sleep.

Never like in the middle of the day or anything. It's just, I love you.

Tuesday, November 18th.

The weather is in the...

40 with a 30%, I think that 40 %

chance of rain.

I'm wearing one of my favorite shirts

and pants.

This is Captain Strone speaking. We're now up to our cruising altitude, so stop

whining. You'll get your meal in a minute. In the meantime, why don't you

out the window? and stare down at that big hole. It's a Grand Canyon. Leave me

alone. The captain, that mean Captain Strone, just told us if we

look to our right, we'll see the Grand Canyon.

Hey, that's the audience.

Boy, you'd think they would have carpooled.

Believe what I just saw.

I'm going to take a closer look.

We're beginning our descent into Denver, so please put your trays in the upright

and locked position and get your head inside the plane, Chandler.

Boy, this is nice, Gil.

It's got a real Colorado feel to it. Very open, very spacious.

It's really nice.

Would you like a drink?

Oh, sounds great.

Well, you're our guest.

So you get the clean glass.

I'm honored.

Bird, birds.

Double bird called out there.

Hey, Chester. Hi. Come over here and meet Gary. Whoa, you're here.

Wait, wait, don't move. I got something for you. A surprise.

Watch. I'm going to take the stairs at a single bound just for you. You

watching? You watching?

That part. You just gave me the part about doing... How old is your brother?

Half -brother, 27. Oh, that's a half -brother. Sure.

Otherwise, he'd be 54.

Tell me about this show. Oh, Gil, well, thanks.

The show's about my life, basically.

Well, you must have a very interesting life.

Why, I don't. And it's been a stumbling block for the whole series.

Don't you look sharp.

Gary, Gary, do you like this? Do you like it?

Oh, yeah.

All right, I knew you would. I knew it. Now I'm going to wear this to my job

interview next Thursday. It's very nice, Jesse, really. What's the job?

Distributing flyers to windshields in big parking lots.

Good luck.

Hey, Gary, Gary, you want to see my room?

Why don't you bring it down here so we can all take a look?

Okay.

Wait, I can't do that.

Hey, that's a joke.

That's up for you, Gary. Did he? Did he?

I'll go up with you. Okay. Sure.

We'll be right back, Gil.

Oh, just Gary. No girls allowed.

What were you thinking?

He seems like a nice man.

Yeah, he is, Dad.

That's good.

Hey, Chester's doing really well. He's going to get a job. That's great. Oh,

yes. We went out practicing with the Flyers yesterday. Oh, you did.

He'll get the hang of it. Yeah. You know, Phoebe, how's that design business

yours coming?

It's great. It's fine. It keeps me busy, you know.

How's retirement?

Do you like retirement?

Well, would you believe it? I'm thinking about going back into business.

Oh, yeah, I'd believe it.

I've got a few ideas floating around. You always have the big ideas, Dad.

Yeah, too bad none of them panned out.

Yeah. Well, I just couldn't seem to get the breaks. Yeah. But this time it is

going to be different.

Well, now, wait a minute, Dad. What do you mean this time?

What are you thinking about? Well, I'll tell you about it in the morning.

Well, no, tell me now. What is it? No, no. You see, there's just a few details

have to work out. Yeah. And then I'll tell you all about it.

Okay.

Well, I think I'm going to go to sleep.

Okay. I'm a little late tonight. All right.

Night, Dad. Nighty -night.

So, what do you think?

Oh, I think this is fine.

I mean, would you hire me if you got that resume?

Well, you know, it depends what I was looking for, but this is terrific. I

mean... Yeah?

What does he want to do exactly?

Duh, it says right there.

Oh, objective, to have the best darn career ever.

That's great, but I think you've got to be a little more specific, you know?

Like what? Well, like, on my...

I put the best on comedy career ever.

Oh, I get it.

Gary,

you just earned man of the day.

Man of the day? You're my man of the day.

See, look, every night I write down the name of the person who helped me most

that day and they become man of the day. And that's you.

All right, now here's what's going to happen so that you know.

At the end of the week, I'm going to count up all the votes, and I'll pick a

of the week.

Then there's going to be a runoff for man of the month, and of course, he's

of the year.

Men of the year get their own little bust, see?

There's John Kennedy, and there's Wilson Pickett, and there's Copernicus.

27. He's 27.

Hi, how's everything going? Oh, it's going great, honey. Yeah, Gary's helping

get a job.

Yeah. Good night.

He's just doing great. Oh, good. Well, I just came in to say good night because

I'm going to go to bed a little early. Good night. I'm tired, too. I'll go with

you. No, actually, Gary, you're staying in here tonight. All right. We can talk.

No, no, no, no. Yeah. Hey, Gary, you can sleep in my bed tonight. I'll take the

guest bed.

Oh, can I talk to you for a second outside? Yeah, sure, sure.

Night, Chester. See you tomorrow.

Night. Hey, I'll turn down the beds.

I'm not sleeping in there. No, I can't. Did he make you man of the day here? As

a matter of fact, he did. He made me man of the day. Hey, well, congratulations.

You're on your way to a bust.

Why can't I sleep with you tonight? Come on. No, it's my dad's house. Okay.

So we'll sleep in your dad's room.

Come on.

Oh, all right.

Okay?

Good night, honey. All right.

I'm telling you, she always says she loves me right before I go.

Tan hut!

I can't go in there. Besides, I have three more hours to enjoy being man of

day.

Gary, there you are.

Come on down here.

Hey, Gil.

How are you doing? I couldn't sleep just walking around. Yes, yes. Come on.

Now, what do you think of Colorado, Gary?

Oh. I just think it's a wonderful place, Gil. This is my first time. It's

magical around here. Well, this is living the way the Almighty intended it.

say. That Almighty, he nailed it again, didn't he?

You know, this is a boom area, Gary.

Yeah, I noticed driving in from the airport, all the building that's going

If I were a young man with your kind of money, I would take a hard look at this

area. Well, I think that's good advice.

I think that's good advice, Gil. You know, I've been working on an idea

A damn good idea. Really?

What is it?

A catering truck for all the construction sites around here. What do

Gary? I think it sounds great. They don't have any of those now?

Well, yeah, but mine would be better.

Oh, I'm sure it would. I'm sure it would.

Gary, would you buy me a truck?

Buy you a truck?

Well, you seem like a very nice man.

And Phoebe's very fond of you. Oh, that's good news. Come on, buy me a

He's 57.

57 years old.

Now, this is what it would cost.

Oh, boy.

That's a lot of money, Gil.

Well, I told you it was a better truck.

This must be... This truck must be loaded.

Mm -hmm.

All the food and everything.

This must be the best truck. Yeah. Good, better, best.

Well, Gil, why don't I sleep on it,

and I'll call you.

You'll get a good night's sleep. That's what I'm going to do. I just need a good

night's sleep, Gil. Yeah, we've got the whole weekend to talk about it. The

whole weekend. Yes.

Oh, Gary.

Beep, beep.

Ah -hoo!

Just going to sleep, Chester.

Night.

Night.

Tum -ta -tum.

Tum -ta -tum.

Tump my toes. There they are.

My ten toes.

some really bad news for you. What?

Your boyfriend, Norris.

No, he doesn't.

Aha, caught you.

Well, Gary is cool.

Yeah, you guys do all right in there?

Oh, man, didn't sleep a wink.

Me and Gary rapped all night.

He loves you.

You keep Gary up all night?

Hey, he couldn't believe how much I knew about the presidents.

Oh, Chester, come on. The presidents?

They're only our commanders -in -chief. Excuse me.

You sleep in all your clothes like Gary?

Oh, man, I better go check on my new blood brother.

You know, you guys should definitely have some kids or something.

Yeah. Hey, Gary, get up!

Ladybug!

Oh, you're up. How did you sleep?

Great, Dad.

I've just been down to Bar's Bakery.

Oh, you know, I used to love their cinnamon sticks. You remember?

You know, Gary and I had a nice chat last night. Oh, yeah?

He's real successful, isn't he? Oh, yeah.

He must have a lot of money.

Dad? Hmm?

You didn't, by any chance, you know, ask him for money, did you? Oh, no.

Oh, good. I asked him to buy me a truck.

Dad, you can't go around asking people to buy you trucks. Why not?

Chester, I don't eat big breakfast.

But, Gary, it's Saturday.

Waffles.

Oh, man.

Let's go out and take a walk. What do you think?

A walk? That sounds great.

Gary, when you come back from the walk, maybe we could go look at some trucks.

Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe, you want me to show you where there's a dead deer?

Thanks for being so nice to my family. Oh, no, I like your family. Are you

really? Oh, yeah, they're great. Even though my father asked you to buy him

truck? The best truck. He asked you to buy him the best truck. That's

unbelievable. And then Chester keeps you up all night? Chester, well, we rapped

all night, and then he showed me all those Viewmaster slides, and then I saw

collection of Franklin mint plates.

That's something.

That's something.

I know.

Boy, I'll tell you, you wouldn't want to eat off of those.

Those are nice.

Oh, boy, it is really beautiful up here.

What's the altitude up here?

I'm getting really dizzy.

Are you really?

I've got to rest for a minute. It's only about a mile high.

Yeah? I don't know what it is. Take a little break? Just walk a little ahead

me. I'll catch up to you. I'm sorry. I feel like I'm holding you back.

So, you had a horrible night.

It was... Here?

Oh!

Sorry. Oh, I thought you walked ahead of me, and then suddenly you're behind me.

Yeah.

Okay.

Do you ever hear that expression when you marry someone, you marry the family?

Yeah, I've heard that expression. Yeah. Well, brace yourself.

What? I proposed to Chester.

Looks like I'll be getting some of those plates.

I think I'm proposing to your dad tomorrow.

No, see, Gary, I think you got the order mixed up. You're not supposed to

propose to the woman's family.

You're kidding.

No.

Well, that's the last time I listened to Chester. Yes.

You mean it's... I got the order all wrong.

Backwards.

Just so you know. I should correct that right now.

Will you marry me?

Really?

Gary, are you serious?

Am I serious?

I can take a laugh.

I could say I'm joking. I could get right out of it. I think she's giving me

out. I could say, no, I wasn't serious.

I don't know. It's the altitude that caught up with me. I'll be right there.

On the other hand, she's perfect. She's everything I've been looking for. And in

a girl.

Honey, yes, I am serious.

Will you marry me?

Gary's getting married.

Gary's getting married!

Gary's getting married!

Gary's getting married!

Now, Phoebe, you know,

when you marry me, you marry my audience.

Yeah, I had that feeling.

Well, you're going to like it. They're fun.

Some of them. Those of them. You know who you are.

Would you like to meet him now?

It'll only take a little while. Okay.

Okay, you at home, we won't get a chance to come to your houses.

We'll see you all next week. Good night, everybody.