Original subtitles

Welcome to the show.

That's Phoebe.

She's my new girlfriend, for those of you who haven't been keeping up with the

show. And I expect that's most of you.

She's terrific. She actually came over early this morning to make breakfast

because I have to go do AM America. It's a talk show.

And Phoebe made breakfast. She made shredded wheat and

milk. And I love the smell of shredded wheat and milk, really,

especially in the morning.

Anyway, look,

I guess I shouldn't have told that joke on an empty stomach because I'm really

not that funny until I've eaten.

You better drink your coffee, Pokey. It's getting cold.

Pokey, that's me. She calls me Pokey because it's short for Pocahontas.

And then you feel really silly. But Pokey, there's no embarrassment involved

all.

Okay, Arlene, thanks for making breakfast.

My nickname for her is Arlene.

Anyway, why don't you guys, because I'm running a little late, I've got to eat

this, so why don't you at home watch the opening credits while I have a hearty

breakfast so later we can have a hearty laugh.

In 41 seconds.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show.

Gary called me up and asked if I would write a theme song.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like the

theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost in the part of where I start to whistle. And we'll watch the

Shanley show.

This was the theme to Gary Shanley's show.

I'm starting to feel better already.

Maybe it has... Might have something to do with the theme being over.

But I'm actually starting to feel funnier. This happens every time I eat.

Ready? Watch this.

What does Baby Porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you, Mommy?

Well,

it's actually funnier if you can see the little drawings.

looking up at the cactus.

It's really a lot funnier. There's a lot of good jokes on these boxes.

Listen to this one.

Honey, honey.

When's a door not a door?

When it's ajar.

So you've had this cereal before.

Are you sure you can't go with me to go to AM America? No, I'm sorry.

I wish I could, but I'm going to tape it and I'll look at it later. Oh, that's

okay. I think I have a lot of clients coming into the design center this

morning. I'm going to pick us up something for dinner later.

Oh, if you could get a couple more boxes of cereal.

I'm just about out of material. That would be great.

Oh, that's Brad. I'll get it.

Brad's my manager. For those of you who don't know what a manager does, take a

look.

Hey, Gar, sharp suit.

Huh? Is that worth 15 %?

Phoebe?

Phoebe, look how beautiful you look at 8 o 'clock in the morning. I hope he's

not working you too hard, sweetheart.

Brad, you want some juice?

Oh, I can't want a tight schedule.

Fresh squeeze.

No, you're breaking my heart. Fresh squeeze, but no.

Brad, sit down. Smell the roses, for God's sake. AM America is a live show.

Gary doesn't get there on time, if he shows up late, we're dead. Before you

it, he's doing county fairs, and I'm back at dental school.

You never were in dental school. I know, I know. It's just a figure of speech.

Now, come on, come on. Gary, early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy,

wealthy, and wise. Don't rhyme. I've asked you. Don't come over here in the

morning and start rhyming. You know, if you start this early, you'll be doing

The Raven by 4 p .m. Come on.

Let me just finish my breakfast. Then we'll go. I have to eat. You know that.

You know, Gary, Lloyd Bridges used to always say to me, Brad, I never eat a

hour before a show. Lloyd Bridges just swam. He was in Sea Hunt.

You don't go in the water a half hour after you. If I end up swimming, stop me

when I'm wrong, honey. If I end up swimming, something's gone horribly

I bet they'll have cold cuts backstage.

I gotta go, honey.

And coming up later in the show, Dr. Jay Weinstein, the pet psychologist.

He's going to help your turtle come out of its shell.

For right now, we have a comedian who came out of his shell a long time ago,

he's still making us laugh. Let's have a nice, warm welcome for Gary Shandling.

Nice to see you, Gary. Nice to see you, Christina. I'd like to stay for the pet

psychologist segment, if I may, because I have a couple problems I need to talk

about myself.

Well,

I've been licking a lot of things I shouldn't, and I...

able to do nothing about it whatsoever, but I think maybe a muzzle of some sort

is what I need.

I can't believe you can be so funny this early in the morning. It's a gift.

It is.

No, I just made that up. Did you? Yeah. You know, Gary, I'd like to know what

you've been doing lately. Have you been seeing anyone?

Oh, well, you mean a girl? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

I've been dating the same woman for three and a half months now. Oh, really?

Well, it sounds serious. Well, this could be the one. You're nervous about

one? Well, I'm a little nervous. I'm still adjusting. We're just to that

where we're just starting to be comfortable around each other. You know,

blows her nose and makes that honking sound.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You get used to the noise. It's when the geese hit the

window.

I just can't take this anymore. You know, because they're piled up there.

open your curtains and it's frightening. You can't see the sky.

It's a good woman to take hunting. I bet.

You don't need one of those calls. You just bring her along and throw some

pepper up her nose.

Don't stop for these two long, Christina, because I'll keep going. No,

you won't.

Aside from the honking sound that she makes, I mean, what's different about

than any other woman you've dated? Than any other? I don't know. You know, she's

got a tattoo.

Oh, she does?

Yeah. Like, where's her tattoo?

Well, it's where she sits, I guess you could put it. What, you mean like on her

rear end?

No, on the chair. Yes, I mean on the rear end.

And she loves the chair around with her.

No, no, it's right there, and it says Jeff, G -E -O -F -F. It says Jeff. I

know if it's the artist or if it's an old boyfriend. All I know is I'm

uncomfortable knowing someone was there before me.

She has a path. She has a path. She has a path. But then we all have paths. How

about you? Do you have a... Well, yeah, I assume you... Now, do you have any

tattoos? No.

Oh, because you look like a biker chick who went wrong and maybe...

on our own talk show, you know. Oh, no, no, no, Gary. Listen, we have to break

for commercial.

We'll be right back with Gary Shandling right after this.

Number

four.

Hi, Richie. Give me a couple pork chops.

Hey, Phoebe, wouldn't you prefer a rump roast?

No. Sure you would. A rump roast?

One with Jeff Stent on the bottom?

Excuse me. You must be Gary Shilling's girlfriend.

Do you really make that honking sound when you blow your nose?

Forget the honking. What about her butt?

Excuse me. The tattoo. G -E -O -F -F.

I would hate to be a comedian's girlfriend.

You must be a really good sport. I'm going to kill him.

Number five.

Honey, how was your day?

Full of embarrassment, thank you very much.

Oh, what happened?

Gary, how could you say all those things about me on that show?

What things? You have no right to tell the whole world about my tattoo.

I mean, that's so personal.

Honey, honey, come here. Sit down.

Come on, let me explain to you how this works, you know.

They're just jokes, and I was on this role, and the audience was really

laughing, and it just fell out.

It's like my father was watching the show. And here you are describing my

end. Well, not all of it, honey.

Not all of it. Just that one tattoo.

I mean, you have to understand that as a comedian, come on. I draw material from

my life. Well, from your life, fine.

But, you know, then there's my life, too. You have to have some

think you're overreacting a little. What do you mean I'm overreacting? I just

think that it doesn't... Come in.

Hey, Gary. Hey, Phoebe.

I have got great news.

I just talked to AM America, and they loved you. In fact, they loved you so

much, they want you back on the show tomorrow. Great.

That's great news. Really great news.

Gary, the hard part is over. All you have to do is sit back and let this

girl do the rest. She is gold, Gary.

Do not lose this girl.

Gary, this little girl is going home.

Phoebe, would you just wait a minute? Let's talk about this. Gary, we'll talk

about this later.

Phoebe, thanks for everything, sweetheart.

Man, she is really upset about the material I did on the show.

She'll get over it. Believe me, they always do. Look, I'll have the office

her some roses. She'll be fine. That's not going to do any good. She's not like

the other girls. Brad and Phoebe's different.

Hey, pal, they're all different. That's what makes them so great.

Cancel that show.

I can't. I already booked you. Then Sam's sick.

Fine. Consider it done.

I mean it. I'm not doing that show. No, I mean it. You're not doing that show.

Are you happy now? I'm happier. Good. When you're happy, then I'm happy.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Look

at

me. I'm smiling.

And you know why I'm smiling, Gary?

I am smiling because I am having a little deja vu.

Do you know what deja vu is?

Brad, you're talking to me like I just showed up.

I know what deja vu is. I can remember having this exact conversation with a

Johnny Carson, with a Mr. Henny Youngman, with a Mr. Sam Kindeson, all

made and remade their careers by talking about their wives, their ex -wives,

their ex -girlfriends, and more importantly, Gary, their current

Brad, I am not going on that show. You are not going on that show.

But I gotta tell you, Gary, When I was standing there at AM America, it was

emotional for me because I felt I was witnessing the birth of the new Gary

Shanley. I was hearing relationship jokes.

I was hearing observations, intimate stories. Gary, when a very funny, funny

like you lets an audience in like that, they love him to death.

I am not going on that show.

I feel bad.

That is good.

That is good. Don't you think they felt bad?

That's guilt.

Guilt is good. Guilt is healthy. It's cathartic. And I'll tell you something

else about guilt, Gary. Guilt is very, very, very funny.

I'm not going on the show. I can't. Okay?

You are not going on the show.

Good. Then there's no problem.

Gary, go on the show.

You know how you like to noodle with the material?

Fine. Then noodle. If you don't want to talk about...

Well,

I tried to call Phoebe last night. She just didn't return my calls.

So I left a message in her machine, and I said I was going to be on the show

this morning because I decided I might as well do it, and I just won't talk

about Phoebe.

What can go wrong? I'm just not going to talk about her. Then she can't get

upset.

That's what a talk show host looks like right before they go on the air.

That card says, good morning.

I'm Christina Ferrara.

Good morning, I'm Christina Ferrari.

Now don't worry, this is not a repeat of yesterday's show. We just had so much

fun with Gary Shandling that we decided to ask him back today. So let's have

another warm welcome for Gary Shandling.

Thank you.

Nice to see you, Christina.

Oh, I'm lucky to be here this morning.

Driving my car this morning, I actually got stopped by a cop for speeding.

Oh? Yeah.

Warren, what happened? Well, it's just weird. When a cop stops you, it's like a

game show. He says, you know how fast you were going?

You go, um, 60.

He goes, higher.

70,

higher. 71, 72, 73, 74. He goes, 74 is it. What do we have for him, Bob?

Listen, you know, we want to find out more about this wild girlfriend of mine.

Then I'm driving my car and I catch this guy.

Who are these guys with compasses on the dashboards of their car?

I mean, were they going to Ecuador or what?

Jerry, you know, we know you're funny. I mean, that's a given. We know you're a

funny man. But we really want to find out more about your girlfriend. She is a

wild woman. Tell us about her. Well, she's not wild. She's actually just a,

know, a lovely and intelligent girl that I love very, very much.

You know, it sounds like you guys have so much fun together.

Oh, we do. We do. We absolutely do.

Yeah? Like what do you do?

Well, you won't believe this. Just the other night, Phoebe opened up the

newspaper, and she looked for a movie that she thought we would both enjoy,

she picked one out, and we went to that movie.

And I bet you it wasn't a normal drive to the movie, right?

Well, as a matter of fact, there was a little danger along the way because

Phoebe drove.

Now, I bet you she's a crazy driver.

Oh, well, crazy about safety.

Because what happened was, is we're driving along and a car stopped, you

right in front of us. And, you know, Phoebe just paying attention the way she

does. She drives defensively. I'd like to say that right up front.

She puts her foot on the brake and smoothly, smoothly on the brake and

just in time, puts her arm out to keep me from flying forward into the dash and

just... I love her so much.

Just so much. She's just a terrific driver.

But the other driver, what did he do? Oh, he just waved and smiled and, you

know, another life touched by Phoebe.

Anybody she runs across, she just loves them so much, people.

He's so terrific.

Gary, what happened?

Tell me what happened.

Okay, well...

We went to see the movie.

Boy, this guy thinks like yesterday's veal.

Hey, I'm funnier than he is.

P .U., what a lame -o.

Yeah, you're right. But if he asks, tell him we love it like we usually do,

okay?

Phoebe makes coffee.

She makes the best coffee. She said, what the heck? She said, I'll make some

coffee. So I said, great.

Hold it. This is a closed set. I'm sorry.

No, but I'm Phoebe. I'm Gary Shandling's girlfriend. I really have to talk to

him. And, you know, she never uses cremor. Only wholesome milk.

Wholesome milk.

And, you know, even wholesome milk can go bad. But Phoebe has this little

refrigerator that keeps it so cold. Brad, it came to help. Well, I hope

driving a hearse because the body's right over there.

Don't go away. We're going to be right back. Oh, I'd like to say that she only

uses homogenized D with milk.

With vitamins added.

It's unbelievable.

We're not on the air now, Gary. We're not on the air. Oh, it doesn't matter at

this point. Gary. She's so, I love her so much. Can I get you a glass of water?

Water would be great. I'll be right back. Do you have any water?

I'm going to get a drink. That'd be great. Good.

Thanks a lot.

Water would be great.

Gary, I was watching. What are you doing here?

I'm so glad to see you. Were you watching? Say anything you want.

get you out of this hole. No, I would never do that. I'm not in a hole. This

going great. I had that long story.

I said all that stuff about going up to the bear. I don't know much about show

business, but you're bombing. No, honey. No, you're really bombing bad. No, I'm

not. You're bombing worse than anyone I've ever seen. Honey, no, I'm not. I'm

doing great. I did a whole segment. I've never bombed this bad in my life.

I haven't done this badly since we ran out of cereal.

She was chewing her pencil. I've never seen anyone do that. She was almost all

the way through it. She could get sick. That's how bad I was doing. I love you

so much, Arlene.

Here's your water.

Oh, thanks, Christina. This is Phoebe.

Oh, Phoebe. Hi, how are you? It's nice to see you. Well, we certainly learned a

lot about you.

Yeah, I know.

You know, as a matter of fact, would you like to stay and maybe we can talk

about what it's like to date? Yeah, I think that's a wonderful idea. What do

think? I think that would be fun, honey. Eric, could you please bring in a

chair? No, you don't want to sit. You just be yourself. No, please sit down.

This is a great idea. Come on, sit down.

Please, no.

Oh, please sit down. We'll be on in a few seconds.

Hi, I'm Christina Ferrari. I'm back with Gary Shanley. And guess who has joined

us right now? His girlfriend, Phoebe.

Phoebe. Hi. Hi.

How are you?

Fine, thank you. It's good to see you.

We would all like to know what it's like to be dating Gary Shanley. And does he

really have this problem with his hair?

Oh, well.

You know, he does take a lot longer to get ready than I do.

Yeah.

Well, we fight over... She has all the good hair products. It's really a

problem. We had a tug -of -war over the hair dryer just the other day.

Oh, and he likes to... I mean, it's amazing. He lays out all his clothes on

bed just to pick out something to take a drive in the country.

Well, that's true. You never know if you're going to run out of gas and then

need to impress someone at the gas station. You have a choice of clothing

Oh, and then we made love.

for an hour and ten minutes the other day.

An hour and ten minutes? You made love?

Oh, yeah.

Stop! No. Oh, well, it was on the day you pushed the clocks ahead.

But...

We are not going on that show. You are not going on that show and that's it?

That's right. That's right. Good. Now I feel better. But unless I'm mistaken,

didn't Sonny and Cher start this week? I don't believe they did.

I don't believe they did. I think they had a summer show and everything worked

out great. Good night. Thank you. I had a wonderful time.

Well, you know, I could stay a little longer if you'd like. No, you are not

staying.

I am not staying. Right.

Bye, Brad. See you later. Bye, Brad.

Gary, I've got to get to work.

Oh, that's right.

Hey, listen, why don't you stop over afterwards, and I'll make dinner for

sort of a way to repay you for coming on the show.

That would be nice. And you were really funny and everything.

No, I would... Yeah, so... No, that would be nice. And I'll never tell jokes

about you again that would embarrass you. No, that's okay. Don't worry about

Just use your best judgment, you know. I just don't want you to tell the world

that my Uncle Lewis got the chair. You know, that's the only thing.

I would never do that. Okay, honey.

See you later. Have a good day.

Oh, appreciate it.

Bye. Bye.

I love her so much.

I got to make dinner, so I just got a few hours to get everything ready, so

see you guys next week.

Good night, everyone.

Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Sandling Show.