Original subtitles

Thanks so much.

Thanks so much.

Thanks.

Thank you.

That's really a nice welcome. Don't you folks at home wish you got this kind of

enthusiasm when people came to your house?

That's right. Well, get a warm -up guy.

This is my quilt pattern book.

Just looking over it because I'm buying a new quilt today.

I am. I'm a little shy talking about my bedding, but I'm buying a down quilt

because I like down because it doesn't scrape me when I turn over.

And I don't know. What would look good? Can you picture me sleeping on this?

I don't mean, well, I don't mean size -wise. I mean, I have.

No, come on. I'm going to get a king -size one.

Nancy's going to go with me. She's going shopping with me because she goes with

me, tells me how I look in the quilt.

Oh, yeah, you know how hard it is to find a three -way mirror at a bedding

So all you can do is look and guess and go, I guess I'd look good in that. And

then, you know me, they won't let me bring one back.

You ready?

Yeah, I am, but could I just take a minute to make a quick call to Tokyo?

Who are you calling in Tokyo?

Well, I forgot to make Mr.

Fujimori's flight reservation at the travel agency today.

It's okay?

Well, did I want to get to Daki Fujimori?

How did you know his first name?

Took a shot.

Wow. So torn.

reverse the charges.

I just hope that's the case.

Hi.

Gary, can I have some extra tissue, please?

Grant? Grant, what happened?

Arnold Kramer beat me up again.

Arnold Kramer, my accountant?

I think it's very ornery. It's halftime. Let me see that. Gary, no, it's Arnold

Kramer, that bully at school who's been beating up on Grant. Sit down.

Are you all right?

Yeah, man.

Hate him. Wish I could kill that guy.

Well, now, Grant, what do you do when he starts picking on you?

Well, I just run away, but he always catches me. Well, it's probably time to

stand up to him, Grant, and fight back, don't you think? Here, put this country

pattern on us.

I think you have to defend yourself. I think that fighting is avoidable. I

think he always has to defend himself.

Fighting is always avoidable. Not always.

What if I did this to you?

I would just say, look, you know, we can just discuss this. Oh, you would? Oh,

you would? Oh, really?

Is that right?

I'd say quit it. Hey, hey, I don't like your face, pal. I don't like your face.

You lay off me or I'll take this turtleneck and put it right over the top

your head.

You sit down. I'm not done with you.

Don't talk to me in front of that boy like that.

Oh, come on. I mean, it's one thing to shove Uncle Gary around, but, I mean,

this is Donald Kramer we're talking about.

Well, look, all right, all right, all right. How can we help, Grant?

Well, for one thing, just don't tell my parents, please. I mean, you know how

upset my mom gets.

All right. Oh, and by the way, thanks for the swatch.

It really helped my nose stop bleeding. Yeah, well, and you improved the

pattern.

Gary, I feel so bad for Grant. So do I.

Boy, that's horrible.

Well, we should still go to the quilt shop. I think...

Grant would want it that way.

Oh, hey, Steve.

Oh, sorry I'm late.

Oh, got me again.

Man, one of these days I'm going to kill him.

Hey, don't worry about it. Everybody knows Arnold Kramer's such a jerk. Yeah.

Hey, did you see the game last night?

No, it was all right.

All right?

Magic was excellent.

They're 21 assists?

Yeah.

Hey, Grant.

Snap out of it.

You're the shoe monster, remember?

Come on. Do your big shoe review for us. No.

I don't really feel like it. Come on. It always cheers you up.

Did someone say big shoe review?

All right. Well, what can I use for a microphone?

Oh, I see. Oh, here.

Okay, ready?

Arnold Kramer is a drag. I use him for a punching bag.

My name is Grant. That much is true.

Thanks for watching The Big Show Review.

Steve,

thanks for making me cheer myself up.

Everybody's a winner with The Big Show Review.

celebrate Grant's good mood with some delicious ice cream on a stick.

Ice cream on a stick? Count me in.

Well, if

it isn't little Grant B.

Schumacher. Nice song.

Come on, Arnold. Just knock it off.

And right in the puddle, too.

I feel terrible, Schumacher.

Come on, Arnold. Just cut it out. You already got me once today.

What? Wait, wait, wait. Did you say something?

Grunt.

I said cut it out.

Oh. What are you going to do, start crying now?

Well, go ahead.

Boo -hoo, Mocker.

What's the matter?

You going to try to run away on your little bike?

Maybe. Maybe not.

I'll tell you something, honey. The new Lever to Beaver is better than the old

Lever to Beaver.

Well, new is always better, honey. True, very true.

Hey, look, he's going to run over his kid's bike.

He stole the beef.

I'll get it, honey.

I'm sorry, honey. I thought it was the beef's doorbell.

Mrs. Schumacher.

Hello. I'm Edward Ryan. I'm the principal of the Estronemus High School.

Oh, hello.

Please, come in.

Thank you.

Oh, Mr. Ryan.

When I'm in my pajamas, all my nightmare has come true.

Pete Schumacher, come in. Have a seat.

I'm sorry I had to meet you under these circumstances.

It seems that your son, Grant, had a fight with a boy named Arnold Kramer.

Dad, I was going to tell you.

I'm afraid Arnold's in the hospital.

What? The hospital?

Really?

You hit him pretty hard with that pipe, didn't you, Grant?

Pipe?

What are you talking about? You know, I'm sorry. I don't think so. Not my

Oh, no.

Look, Mr. Schumacher, I want to get Grant's side of the story before I

disciplinary action. Yeah, Grant, is what Mr. Ryan's saying true?

No, Dad, it isn't.

Well, my son said he didn't hit Arnold, and I believe him, so thank you very

much. Well, I'm afraid it isn't that simple.

You see, we found the lead pipe on the playground, and it has Grant's

fingerprints all over it. Oh, my God.

Hey, you guys.

Came in to show you the new quilt I've got.

I'm sorry. I didn't know you had company. Who's the man?

Well, Gary, you know, this really isn't a very good time. Dad, I'm telling you,

I didn't hit him with that pipe. I was using the pipe as a microphone to sing

with. Oh, okay.

Mr. Ryan, can my wife and I speak with you for a minute, please?

Gary.

Gary.

Right this way, sir.

Grant.

Did you...

How could you do that? Didn't I teach you to fall to the ground and roll up

a perfect ball?

What did you do?

I didn't hit him, Gary.

I mean it. He just started pushing me around, and I just shoved him into a

Well, was there anybody out there who saw what happened?

No.

Man, it's like a bad Columbo episode.

I'm innocent.

Why doesn't anyone believe me?

This really isn't like such a bad Columbo episode. I mean, I don't know

really happened, and Leonard Smith helped me look for clues here.

Have you found anything at all, Leonard?

Well, so far, I've got this bottle cap, a cola can, and a cigarette butt. I got

a cola can, too, and I got a banana peel and a piece of bread.

We have garbage.

We're cleaning up the schoolyard. That's what we're doing.

Garrett, we're wasting our time here. Grant is obviously guilty.

He pummeled that kid silly with a lead pipe. Ipso facto, case closed. How can

you say that?

Garrett, the kid is a powder keg. It's a classic case.

The quiet, unassuming one, always polite, always saying good morning,

everyone Uncle This and Uncle That.

Then one day he gets a bad grade.

Climbs up into a tower with a rifle.

But I've asked anybody I can find, and nobody saw the fight between Arnie and

Grant. I know. And Leonard thinks Grant did it. He thinks he's... Well, maybe he

did. No, no, I hate to say that, but, you know, it's really quite possible.

Well, I remember when you were 14. Do you remember that?

Yes, that little... No, listen, little Steve Mason. He ran over your beetle wig

with his bicycle.

And you ran after him. You ran after him and you hit him with your fist.

That's right. And then you fell to the ground and curled up in a perfect ball.

Well, I had to. He was circling back.

Here, Lennon.

Let's hit the courts, huh?

That's why I won't play tennis.

Because you wake up with waffle butt in the morning.

I'm going to find something. I know Grant couldn't have done this.

Mr. Shanley?

Mr. Shanley?

Yes.

Who are you?

I am Paula Hanlon from Danesville,

Wisconsin.

Nice to meet you.

Thank you.

And could I talk to you for a second?

Grant, attacking someone with a lead pipe is a serious offense.

I keep telling you I'm innocent.

You're lying. You know it, Schumacher. I am not. Mr.

Ryan, I'm not sure expulsion is punishment enough.

In light of the boy's refusal to even apologize, we're thinking of pressing

criminal charges. Hey, what are you, the judge and the jury?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me, Mr.

Principal. Sorry to interrupt. Can I just say something on Grant's behalf,

please? Because I... Who is this man?

Well, he's that bad comedian.

Why don't you tell us one of your fishing jokes?

Or how about the one about having trouble getting the girl? Bad jokes.

Real bad jokes.

I'm just here because I know exactly what happened.

Oh, you weren't even there.

Nobody was there.

That's right.

The playground was empty.

I was walking along, minding my own business.

Right. When Grant Schumacher, whom I've always liked and respected and

considered my friend, comes behind me and hits me over the head with a lead

pipe, sending me flying into these bushes. I mean, what was this? I got

stitches on my head. He's a bad seed.

He is not.

Your son's a bully.

I mean, that's not even the way it happens.

Yeah, well, prove it then.

People, please. We don't have to go with the evidence because there were no

witnesses. Excuse me. I can prove it. That's why I'm here.

I have a very special witness. Will you just excuse me for just a second?

Paula, are you all right? You ready?

Gary, do I really have to go through with this?

You'll be fine. You'll be fine. Come on in.

Take your time.

Mr. Ryan.

Pete, Jackie, Mr. and Mrs. Kramer.

Arnold.

This is Paula Hanlon from Jamesville, Wisconsin.

She saw what happened?

Yes, she did. Tell them what you told me.

Well, we were watching Gary's show.

Saw the whole thing.

Grant did not hit that boy with a pipe.

Who's we oh of all of us up in the audience

Is

everyone

with you yes

Thanks for coming to the show, coming down. Appreciate it.

They're all out there, so if there are no laughs from here on out, you'll know

why.

Please continue.

Well, when Gary and his friend Nancy left to go buy his

down quilt,

The one that doesn't scrape him?

We saw Grant and Arnold have that fight, and as far as

we're concerned, Grant is totally innocent.

Why did it take you so long to come forth?

Oh, um...

Well, I didn't want to get involved.

You see, to be honest with you, I once had a bad experience.

I was in the audience of The Price is Right.

And contestant number two came

actually closer.

to the correct retail price than contestant number three did.

So I ran down to tell Bob Barker.

Was it the late Jay Stewart?

Well, anyway.

Anyway, the security guard, he threw me out.

And it was very embarrassing. Well... Yeah, well, I could understand why you

would be gun -shy.

Oh. Well, what do we do now, Gary?

I'm over here. Oh, Gary.

All right, I've been here the whole time. You did great. Thanks so much. Now

can, if you like, go back up into the audience and watch the end of the show.

Oh.

Well,

or not. It's up to you.

Thank you all.

Thank you all. I'm going to get all of you. I'm going to get every single one

you. I know all of you will.

Arnold, sit down.

Grant, Mr.

and Mrs. Schumacher, I'm sorry to put you through this.

Arnold, I'll see you in detention.

Come on.

Let's go.

Come on.

Sorry.

I'm sorry we ever doubted you, honey.

We want to make it up with some delicious ice cream on a stick.

You mean it? Yep.

Oh, wow. You guys can doubt me anytime.

Thanks, Dad. Oh, sure. I'm really glad that it worked out. Thanks a lot. See

guys. I'll see you.

I'll see you. Bye.

Bye. Thanks.

Sure.

Thank you, Gary, for helping us crack this case.

Oh, it's my pleasure. I just wanted to stick around to tell you, you know,

boy, I've seen a lot of principals, but you, with this, you do everything. You

go to kids' houses and you check lead pipes or fingerprints.

What a quick, clean, just tribunal you had there. I really admire you.

Well, it's a part of my job. Yeah.

And if you'll excuse me,

I found this wad of chewing gum under my desk, and I'm going to take it over to

the lab for a saliva test.

Somebody's going to be in big trouble.

Well, I better get out of here right after the show.

Anyway,

I think it was...

Great show. I hope you had a good time. I think I'm going to do the closing

monologue over the school PA system.

I've always wanted to do this, and I could never get into the principal's

office.

Hello?

I have a couple of announcements to

make.

Special in the cafeteria tomorrow is jello and tater tots in a very special

casserole.

And chocolate milk.

Also, there'll be a man at the gate of the school selling quilts.

And feel free to buy as many as you like.

And also, kids, please, if you're ever in an audience for a ballet or... or an

opera, or a baseball game, or anything, and you see something wrong, make sure

you get up and say something, because it's your duty as a member of the

audience.

Right, Paula Hanlon?

Yeah, that's right, Gary.

And enjoy the closing theme to my show.

And I'll see you all soon.

Oh, George, it's Gary Shannon, slow.