Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thanks, thanks. Good to see you.

We are, um... Good to see you.

Well... You've come on a really special

night. I don't...

Will you have come on a night when you at home, let me say first of all, you

know, you miss in the studio audience, there's a wonderful warm -up guy who

talks to the audience, and you guys at home miss out. So let me give you a

feeling of kind of what it's like. You at home stand up, and I'll, okay, now

I'll be the warm -up guy.

Okay, sit down.

Okay, now, the...

The deal is, is there's this party going on because we're celebrating tonight.

Leonard Smith is the head of the condo association.

You know Leonard Smith. He's actually getting married. He's getting married in

Las Vegas, Nevada to some, I haven't met her yet, some woman named Kitty who's

in show business.

Could be Kitty Carlisle for all I know.

That's just a rumor. We really don't know. But Leonard's on his way over, and

there's this party going on, and everyone's just milling about and

each other. It looks pretty boring to me. I mean, what kind of fun is this?

is why I have just the little goose this party needs,

because I have these games so people don't have to sit around and talk and

to know each other a little better. I have, you guys, Battleship?

Anybody? The Game of Life. It's really good.

Remember, Art Linkletter used to advertise that.

And Twister.

I have Twister. You play that in an earthquake, and it's just unbelievable.

Gary. And I have Pocino, and I have... Excuse me.

We're trying to talk here. Thank you.

Well, that sounds exciting.

That sounds really exciting.

Maybe you'd like to play ages two to eight.

Pete? Pete?

You look like you're ready for a little battleship. You want to play a little

game? Come on. Let's liven this place up. They have real torpedoes in here.

luck getting Pete to have any fun at all, Gary.

He just worked, worked, worked lately.

He's talking about not even going to Leonard's wedding. Oh, come on. Listen,

Jackie, if I lose the Anderson case, my client could end up in the electric

chair.

Pete, you don't get the electric chair for burning leaves without a permit.

No.

All right, you win. I'll go.

No, you don't. You get the electric chair for electrocuting leaves.

Hey, good peeps.

Sorry I'm late.

Leonard Smith, the guest of honor.

Congratulations, Leonard.

Hey, Leonard.

Hi.

You must be really excited, huh?

So happy for you.

Excited? You know, out of all you kids, I would have thought Bubba would have

been the first to marry.

Then lose his wife.

And then remarry.

Yeah, in fact, I've been dating sick women to speed up the process.

I think it's great, Leonard.

Now me and the Heartbreakers don't have to worry about fixing you up anymore.

You know us. We're such yentas.

Hey,

that's not a bad name for a new band, Tom Petty and the Yentas. You should

about it.

Or the Traveling Yentas.

Or the Turtles.

That's right.

Even better. Thank you, Tom.

How are you feeling? You doing all right, though? I don't know, Gare.

All of a sudden, I'm having second thoughts.

About what?

Well, I can't seem to get my late wife out of my head. Oh, Leonard, Leonard.

You're just having cold feet.

Anybody would go through that kind of thing. Come on. A little battleship will

make you feel better.

Come on. Be the enemy. Come on, man. Thanks, Gare.

But I think we really better get going if we're going to make that flight, you

know. Come on, everybody.

We're going to Vegas. Time to go to Vegas.

Boy, after five minutes, good party.

This actually sets a record. This is the longest party I've ever had.

And I get to see Shecky Green.

Funny man.

Shecky Green.

Okay, you guys.

Come on, maybe they have a bluer shirt in Vegas, Tom.

Here comes that stock footage.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write a theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far?

How do you like the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch a

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

Here's a jolly good fellow.

Which nobody can deny.

Which nobody can deny.

Which nobody can deny.

For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly

good fellow.

Excuse me. The captain has requested you all find your seats so we can take off.

You take off.

I was just trying to act big in front of my friends. I'm sorry.

Tom, you're in my seat, pal.

Tom.

We're seated here, dear. Where am I, Mom? I love airplanes so much. There is

much good comedy material in an airplane.

Like, take that black box.

So they have it so you can tell what caused the accident by what the pilot

said, because you can tell a lot from oops.

Well, hello.

Hello. Can I help you find your seat? No, I'm all right. I'm sitting right

Thanks. I've got it nailed, but appreciate it.

Then they've got the... Can I get you a beverage?

I don't believe so.

Thank you very much. Just trying to do some comedy material.

Well, burr.

Looks like we've hit a cold front and we haven't even taken off yet.

Are these yours? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. Let me get... Excuse me, I'm in 17E. I'm

really sorry. Oh, I'm really sorry, too. Oh, you're reading The Three

Musketeers. I know, I know. You haven't read the book, but you've seen the

movie, right?

Oh, no.

I've eaten the candy.

And I haven't even actually...

I actually haven't even gotten through the whole bar yet. I eat a little, and

it's still sitting there on my nightstand. It takes me about three

through a long candy bar like that.

What are you all celebrating?

Are you up with people or something?

Well, yes and no.

We, uh... Oh,

he's going to blow up the plane. You can just tell.

Oh, don't say that.

We're not the up with people, but you know I think we're kind of an up

people with a good attitude And we're just kind of here because of this guy,

he's gonna blow up the plane. It's never trying to pick the guy out that's gonna

do it We're here because Leonard Smith. He's our condo president and He's

getting married in Las Vegas, and he's a little nervous, so we're here just to

cheer him on and bring him good spirit

Isn't that Tom Petty? Tom Petty?

No, he's one of the ushers in the wedding.

Aren't you glad it's not Buddy Holly?

There'd be a bad flight.

Oh, it's hot in here.

Yeah, it is hot. Isn't it hot? It's really hot.

I want to turn that fan on. Do you mind? Do you want me to get here? Will you

get mine, too? Sure. Thank you.

You'd think it'd be a lot cooler, what, with no top to the plane.

That's all right.

And behind me here, this is my mother.

She's just here to clean up afterwards.

Hello, dear.

Your name is? I'm Deborah. Deborah. Hello, Deborah. Hi.

And you're?

Mom. Ruth, yes.

Tell her what you have in the box.

Oh, well, the girls in my shop gave me their money to bet for them in Las

Judy wants me to put this on the slot.

Vicki wants this on the roulette wheel.

Phoebe wants a pack of cools. This is your captain speaking.

We've been cleared for takeoff.

Hello, Gary.

Would you like some hickory smoked almonds before we take off?

No, I don't think so, thanks. I get a little nauseous when I fly.

Now, don't worry.

Captain Prestwich is smooth as silk on takeoffs and landings.

Buckle up.

You buckle up.

You know, I never buckle up during takeoffs. I think that's a stupid rule

one you don't need to deal with.

Mr. Petty, but the kosher meals had to be ordered in advance.

That's okay. I'll pick.

Leonard, it's hard to believe the old make -out maestro is finally going to

up his baton.

How's it feel now that your alley catting days are over?

Oh, my God. There's something out there.

Tom, there's someone on the wing.

I've seen The Twilight Zone.

I saw the movie, the series, and all the parodies. So spare me.

This is my late wife. May she rest in peace.

Although she's not resting in peace. She's on the wing.

My late, dead, buried wife is haunting me.

Won't she leave me alone?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. There's no need for kvetching, Lynn.

Come on, cheer up. Have a nosh and we'll schmooze.

Oh, Stuart.

How about some more hickory smoked almonds for my friend here? Oh, they're

the galley. I'll be back in a jiff.

Okay. Now, the dealer gives me a card, right? And I go like this. What does it

mean?

You have an ace.

Yes, yes, okay. And then when I go like this?

Uh, you need an ace. No, no, no, no, no.

Um, I, I, uh, I don't know. The security guard's coming.

No, no, no, no, no.

Uh, Secretary Roy coming on in an hour. Oh, get it. Look, I'll do the thinking

and you just sit there and look beautiful, all right? Oh, fine.

What are you going to be doing while you're in Las Vegas? Are you going to

gamble and stuff?

Well, wait for yourself.

Oh, you get these coupon books, too? These are funny. I have one of these,

my travel agent got for me. Actually, Nancy did all the travel. This is great.

This is so great.

Al Capone's car, riddled with bullets by the feds in the late 20s.

This mobster's pride and joy has been restored to its natural beauty.

Coupon void if detached from the book.

You don't want to do that. I know. I wrote that. You wrote that? Even where

says void is detached.

Get out of here. You wrote the whole thing?

Yeah, I think I work for the ad agency that publishes these brochures. No

kidding. Yeah, but my best work is on the next page.

Really? This is cool.

Come see Peter Marshall as he portrays Nathan Detroit in the spectacular

Broadway production of Guys and Dolls at the Union Hotel downtown.

From the same people who brought us Jean Rayburn in Cats. Oh, that was

excellent.

Excellent. He was great in Cats. I never saw... He held that long microphone the

whole time. I have never seen a cat do... Look. Yeah, look, why don't you

this? I have got a whole suitcase full of these coupon books. That is really

nice of you.

This one says, this coupon good for one free admission with one paid admission.

I don't know if you're involved with anyone or what, but, you know, I'd love

go as your free admission.

Really?

Well, I hear this production is better than the one in New York, and you can't

play Keno on Broadway. Oh, don't I know.

Don't I know that.

How many... Oh.

Oh. I've detached it.

Oh, Stuart?

Stuart? Do you... I pulled a... Do you have any airplane glue?

It's an airplane glue.

Does the man never stop?

I'll tell you what. I'll tape it back in. Oh,

this is Leonard Smith.

Leonard, this is Deborah.

Deborah, this is Leonard, the gentleman who's getting married. Well,

congratulations.

Too late. I'm calling it off.

What are you talking about?

Gare, Gare, I just can't go through with it. Everywhere I look, I see my late

wife. Leonard, come on, come on. Your wife has passed away. She's dead. She's

cold. Get it out of your system. She isn't, Gare. She isn't. She's sitting on

the wing of this plane, and she's hopping mad, Gare. Leonard, she isn't.

There's no one on the wing of the plane.

You just have to separate from your wife. Just cool out a little bit. She

separate from me. She's dead.

Let it go. Don't make me start. I'll slap you the way I did at the Indy 500

year. She's dead. Just go back to your seat and think about the honeymoon. Come

on. You're all right.

You okay?

The dead or dead, Glenn?

Boy. Excuse me, Gary.

I know I promised Mr. Petty some more smoked almonds, but this is our last

and I wanted to give you first crack.

It'll be our secret.

What do you say?

Baba, Baba, be polite. Say, thank you, Stuart.

Thank you, Stuart. Thank you, Ruth.

Okay, okay.

You see these dice?

They're all sixes. You get it?

Now, I will exchange these for the other dice on the table while you distract

the croupier by acting like a drunken Texan. Right?

Do you remember your line?

Uh, howdy, partner.

Call me Tex.

Yeah, I know.

My parents are boring. I mean, all my dad ever talks about is his work.

Your dad is boring, Grant.

But you gotta give him a little slack. He's going through a hard time right

It's difficult for a grown man to change careers.

Oh, yeah? Well, how would you know? I mean, you've always been Tom Petty, the

famous rock star.

Actually, Grant, 12 years ago, I, too, was an unhappy shoe salesman.

Yeah, I worked for Tom McCann, not for Hush Puppies, but the same principle

still applies.

You were an unhappy shoe salesman? Get out of town!

No, I was until I made the decision to quit my job and go to rock star school

and get my degree.

Sure, life as a famous rock star was slow getting started, but I pounded the

pavement, and before I knew it...

I had a new, steady, and respectable career for myself.

But I never could have done it without the support of my family and my roadies.

My dad sure could use some roadies.

I think it was a week ago Thursday, I actually saved three cents with a coupon

on frozen orange juice.

And, you know, every little bit helps. Thank you. Thank you very much. I do not

believe that you really like coupons that much. I do. I find it must be very

rewarding to go into people's homes and see your work on their refrigerators, on

those little magnets.

You should frame it.

Excuse me. Could I talk to you for a second?

Oh. Well, I'm just in the conference. I'll sign something for you a little

later. I don't want your autograph.

I want to talk to you.

Come on.

Let's see.

Now. Excuse me just a second.

I've met you before, haven't I? Gary, you were at my funeral four years ago,

don't you remember?

I don't believe it.

You're Joy, you're Leonard's dead wife? Mm -hmm. You were in an open casket? No,

I wasn't. It was closed.

What are you talking about?

Why did you open it? Oh, that's right.

I was looking for a blanket.

That's right. Looks for a blanket. Who looks for a blanket at a funeral? I

heard of it.

Outdoors? Why did you have it outdoors?

We were worried it was flu season. Look, Gary Shandling. You had nothing to

worry about, as I recall. You listen to what I'm telling you right now. I want

you to lay off my relationship with Leonard. He's not getting married again.

What do you know about relationships, you yacht?

Oh, Joy.

Joy. And Joy is such a perfect name for you. You know, Joy, it just so happens

you should let Leonard lead his life. Why don't you just let go and go on with

your life? When we got married, read my lips.

When we got married, he promised to love, cherish, and honor, and obey.

Remember? Until when, Joy? Until when? What's the rest of it?

Indefinitely. Read my lips. Until death do you part.

Until death. Death. Have you looked in the mirror lately? There's no

Joy. You're dead.

Dead. The contract is void.

It's over. I don't care. I'm just warning you right now.

If he's got somebody, I have to have somebody. Go meet somebody new, Joy. Go

back out on the wing. Go on. It's the dead person section.

Get a...

Get a new dress. You're single again. You're dead again. It's a whole new

All I'm trying to say is go and be happy. Find somebody new. But let

married. Look who I'm talking to.

I'm not getting it in the back of the plane. I'm getting it in the eye.

I just had to talk to a dead person back there.

What a bad attitude.

Pete, are you just going to not talk this whole trip?

Yes.

Um, I know what I saw.

Leonard, it's all in your head. I used to have visions like that all the time

back in the 60s.

I still do on occasion. I can be driving down the road and then flash, there's

Jimi Hendrix and Jerry Lewis dancing on a mountain.

Oh, my God, she's back.

Hey, Lenny, big shot.

I took your friend Shanling's advice. You feel like getting married? You go

right ahead.

I don't care.

I just want to tell you one thing.

Two can play the same game, and if you think I'm going to be stuck up here like

Miss Lonely Heart, you're nuts.

It's joy.

Hey, Tom, did you see that?

Hey, hey, why is everyone so quiet? I'm getting married.

We're going to have the wedding of the century.

This is Captain Prestwich speaking. We're having trouble getting our landing

gear down. Please return to your seats and prepare for an emergency landing in

Las Vegas.

Hope you enjoyed it, Gary Chandler. Well,

we got that straightened out. We're now ready to start our smooth landing into

Las Vegas McCarran International Airport.

Oh, boy, no one will get that joke.