Original subtitles

That's so weird.

That's so weird because I didn't know you guys were here.

Because I'm in my bedroom and I was walking out and I didn't know there was

show.

Because, you know, I live here.

But it's great that you're here because actually what I've been doing is just

getting all my stuff together to get ready for a garage sale.

And because...

I'm getting rid of stuff I've been accumulating over the last, oh, let's

it's about ten years now, and I think this stuff's all going to really sell

because I bought it all at garage sales.

So listen, throughout the show, if you guys see anything here in the studio

audience that you like, feel free to just come down and make an offer.

And you at home, uh...

Why don't you just, you could feel free, if you see anything, call someone right

here in the studio, and the member of the audience will pick it up for you and

bring it over to your house.

Okay? Because there's some real bargains, because I will not be

Let me just show you a few items.

$14.

$14. You know what this would cost at Kmart?

Okay, what else? Look here.

These are my...

These are my kissing garamis.

Kissing garamis. These are the fish that go like this.

Come over here.

Come over here, baby.

Come on, come on.

Come on, get a little closer.

I've never really actually... I've never seen them do it exactly that way, but I

assume that's what they do when no one's looking.

Look it, I'm like a god to these fish.

Really, they see my lips and they think, no wonder he can go on land.

Okay, Gary, you ready to go?

Huh? Ready to go? Oh, I don't want to have to go to that condo meeting. Do I

have to? Of course you have to. You can't have this garage sale until you

approval from the condo board. Oh, all right. All right, I'll go. I really hate

those things. I know, but you've got to go. All right, look, why don't you guys

just browse around, and we'll play the opening theme, because it's for sale

also.

You at home can't have background music when you walk around. Think about it.

This is the music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost in the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch the

Shandling Show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling Show.

And that applies to cows as well.

Now let's see what... Oh, yes.

From now on...

Instructions in the condo laundry room will be posted in English and Korean.

Thank you, President Smith.

Now, perhaps there won't be any more unfortunate incidents involving latex

clothes melting in the dryer.

I apologize. I have dishonored myself and disfigured my scuba gear.

Now, there is a motion to change the name of our Happy Pilgrim Estates Rec

to the Roberto Clemente Memorial Rec Room. Any discussion?

Miss Ferguson?

That sounds very nice, Leonard, but Roberto Clemente never lived here, much

used our rec room, right? Yes, but he is in the Baseball Players Hall of Fame.

How many times have we all watched the Dodgers on the rec room TV and said how

much better they'd be if they'd had Roberto Clemente?

Am I alone in this?

Oh, before I forget,

Due to recent rowdiness, there will be no alcohol served at tomorrow night's

potluck dinner.

Sorry. I gave blood that day.

Now, as president of the condo association, the happy duty falls to

me of introducing our newest happy pilgrim.

Undoubtedly, he fled his old condo because of religious persecution.

It's more like one flew over the cuckoo's nest than a condo did.

Let's give a very warm welcome to Chris Peterson in 4C.

Thank you.

Thank you all.

Nice to meet you all.

And nice to live in such a warm and friendly environment.

If any of you happen to come by the neighborhood of 4C, please stop by and

hello. You're welcome.

See, here's a nice man. He's just moved in. I think that's a possible friend for

you. Oh.

He'll break my heart like everyone else. Trust me on that.

Oh, one more thing. I run a little mail -order business out of my home, and I'm

wondering if it's okay to do it from my condo. Well, I don't see why not. So

let's just move on. Excuse me.

Isn't there a condo rule about running a business out of your home? Oh, yeah,

yeah. When I was running my Roberto Clemente fan club out of my place, well,

people just shut it right down.

Why? Because running a business in a residential building disrupts the lives

the tenants. Right, Leonard?

They're right, Chris.

Those are the rules.

And as president, I guess I've sworn to uphold them.

So, sorry, no mail order business.

Next on the agenda. Whoa, I don't mean to get rough here to single out any one

person, but don't you got a guy who lives here who broadcasts a television

from his living room?

Yes, you're right.

That's Gary Shanley.

Great meeting. Isn't it ice cream time now?

Sit down.

You better.

I mean, I must be missing something. I'm sorry, but I can't run a quiet little

mail -order business, but this Shanley could put on a lavish Hollywood

every week. I don't think you can call it lavish. I'm not even sure it's a

spectacle to be quite honest.

You know, Leonard, the Shanley show is against condo policy.

Oh, yes, but it's just an entertaining little lark, sort of after dinner

farrago.

It's not going to create the same kind of pandemonium and mass hysteria mail

-order business. Well, you just like his show because he lets you be on it. I

don't believe my show hurts anybody.

Are you kidding?

What about that ugly transmitting tower you have up on the roof?

Isn't that right, everybody?

And every time you broadcast, you interfere with my stereo.

And when that hefty Hungarian woman was on your show, she took my parking spot.

When Josh Agarbor did the show, I said, Josh, park on the street.

I said, park on the street. It's not my fault he did that.

I'm a private man. When Gary tapes his show, I'm afraid to leave my home. For

fear I will be the butt of his joke.

And Shanley is always...

running around the pool area in that skimpy little bathing suit. Oh, well,

now, wait. Now, like, you look so good in that inner tube that you wear. Oh, I

do. I do.

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right.

Now, Gary's bathing suit is not on the agenda. Why must we go through this

week?

They talk about my bathing suit every week?

Since we are not making an exception for Mr. Peterson, we shouldn't make one for

Mr. Shanling. Now, I move that Gary Shanling be prohibited from conducting

business from his home or be subject to immediate eviction proceedings.

Sorry,

Gary. It's a legal motion.

Do I hear a second?

Wait, wait, wait. Just one minute.

Now, don't the Happy Pilgrim bylaws state that anyone who is subject to

proceedings gets a 48 -hour grace period to prepare his defense?

I believe that's correct.

Like I have any clue what she's talking about.

Yes.

According to condo bylaws, the motion is tabled until next Thursday.

That concludes tonight's meeting.

See you on Thursday.

You know, when I have a real serious problem, I just like to come up to the

of my condo and just be alone with my studio audience.

Hello down there.

Can you guys hear me?

Yes!

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, lady.

I'm all over her.

What? Are you all right? No, I'm not all right. Let me just walk you around a

little bit. That'll make you feel better. That would might help.

I can't believe what happened down there. Do you believe that? Do you

that? I thought they liked me and my little swimming trunks and my television

tower. You know, I can understand how some people might not think it's the

beautiful thing in the world, but to me, this is what allows our boys overseas

to get to show.

You know, you need a thing like this. Well, yeah, you do, but, Gary, you can

understand why they complain. I mean, look at this. This cable goes back and

forth.

Nance, Nance, put it down. What? Put it down.

What? Oh, you don't know what you just did. That ruins the reception.

Oh, you girls don't know anything about electronics.

You probably think an SB200 linear runs two kilowatts.

I'm going to miss this place. I really am. What do you mean you're going to

this place? You're giving up? No, you're not giving up. No, you're not.

We have 48 hours to change those people's minds. There is no way we're

convince those people. There's no way. I'm just going to have to find another

place where I can do my show.

Where no one cares.

Where I fit in.

So what do you think? It's sort of a fixer -upper.

1313 Mockingbird Lane.

Pete, that's the old Munster house.

I can't do a show from there. You know how I'd have to change my hairstyle?

Do you remember how bad their hair... Here. Oh.

The Ponderosa's for sale, but that's great. How am I going to find it? They

burned the map, didn't they?

Hey,

Uncle Gary, look at this. The Partridge family bought this for rent.

Keep this down.

Keep this down. People at home can't see me if you keep this down.

You're going to get a lot of letters saying, hey, little Grant, we can't see

Uncle Gary. We can't see Uncle Gary.

Really, just keep that down. Back off, man.

I've had a bad day.

Wait, wait, wait.

Gary, wait. Just relax.

You know, you're lucky you're here. Oh, come on. Gary, give him the hit in the

head. No, no. Hit him in the head. It's my fault.

It's my fault. I'm not about movement. I'm going to miss these three walls.

Hey, hey, don't worry, Gary.

You know, Gary, no matter how far you go, I won't desert you.

Oh, great. Well, if I take the Ponderosa, you can be hot.

Hey, Shirley.

Oh, Mr.

Peterson. Welcome to where I can't do my business.

Oh, come on. Look, don't be mad. I'm sorry I got you into trouble before. As

matter of fact, we think we've got some pretty good ideas about how you can keep

doing your show here and he can keep his business. I'd like to hear that.

Listen, come on. You only lost by a couple of votes. I'm sure there are a

people on that condo board whose minds we can change. No, we can't. You haven't

seen my bathing suit. It's very revealing. When it gets wet, you can see

outline of my nipples.

They're not going to ever approve that. Wait, wait, Gary. Hey, wait, Gary, he's

right. You know, you could sway some votes.

You're a very charming boy.

Charming? Hey, you want charm?

Maybe. Listen, a few of my associates teach you how to be charming. Right.

They pull a knife, you pull a gun.

They put your friends in a hospital, you put their friends in a morgue.

That's the Sherman Oaks way.

I didn't know Al Capone was from Sherman Oaks.

Gary, seriously.

Those are some pretty good ways, but also we think you could maybe start out

going to the monthly potluck dinner tonight.

Well, that sounds like a good try. I mean, go there and just talk to the

No, you cook your flamboyant chili. That will turn my... Oh, my chili.

Yeah. Hey, I wouldn't mind making up a little pot of chili to take over there,

Mom. Good idea. I could make my garlic puffs and maybe an endive salad.

Well, wait.

Yeah, Gary, wait a minute. Excuse me, but you're not trying to find a husband.

You're just trying to keep your apartment.

Excellent chili, Mr. Schenley. Hey, thank you. Is it

hot enough for you? Or should I put some more Bengay in there?

Am I the butt of that joke?

No.

No, you're not the butt of that joke. The chili. The chili's the butt of that

joke.

Oh.

That's a good one, Mr. Shanley.

You're all right.

So are you.

Good work, dear. Yeah. I think you got Kim in your hip pocket. Oh, yeah. I

so. Now, Mr. Guest over there, he's the pivotal vote. Nobody on the third floor

makes a move without talking to him first. Okay. Now, remember,

He likes sports, fast cars, and plaid socks.

Sports? You're kidding.

Sports, fast cars? God's truth, Gary. And plaid socks. Yeah, go get them.

Oh, Mr. Guest, didn't see you there. Oh, hello. Hey. Mr. Shandling. Hey, nice

place. Nice little party.

Although, you know what I like to do on a day like this, at such a nice day, is

just get in a real fast car, you know, maybe like a Maserati, just get in

just, and head down to Dodger Stadium.

Floor it, you know?

Look down at the accelerator there and just catch a flash of plaid coming up

from your socks.

You know what I mean?

Is that the life? It is the truth.

Hey, bro, can I get you some chili? Uh -huh.

If you knew anything about me at all, you'd know I don't eat red meat.

Oh, well, I could strain it out for you.

Oh, man. Did he give you a hard time?

Oh, Mr. Peterson, he's... I had him, and then I lost him. I had him, and I lost

him. You know what?

Let me take him up on the roof and have a little talk with him.

Well, all right.

Come on, Nancy.

Why should I vote to keep Shandling's show here at the condo? Oh, no, Miss

Ferguson, I'm telling you, I think you're just being too hard on him.

Really, all right, all right. I know he has a couple of quirks.

Yes, but he's an excellent neighbor.

As a matter of fact, Gary can get you theater tickets.

He can get you car rental. He can get you breakfast in bed. That's right.

You know, that's a nice try, Nancy.

Oh, come on. I'll think about it.

Dance.

Mr. Peters, it is dangling, Mr. Guest, from the roof.

Dangling? I could hang here by my shoes all week. It's not going to change my

vote.

So, Mrs. Barth votes no.

They're right in the middle of the roll call vote, but it's pretty close.

There's no telling which way it's going to go. He can't hear me when I talk to

the camera.

Chair recognizes Miss Nancy Bancroft from 6A.

Thank you, President Smith.

Nancy Bancroft, Department 6A.

Home of the longest living ficus in the quad.

The northernmost condo.

Home of the USC thundering herd where education has always been our top...

vote. Just vote. Just vote.

I vote yes.

Miss Ferguson, 3C, how do you vote?

I vote no.

There's a surprise.

You hear that? Even the audience is booing her.

We're just... There's no way out of this now unless there's some sort of miracle

or Rob Reiner comes in, but what are the chances of that?

I was watching the show, and I figured, you know, I helped you out before. Maybe

I can help you out again.

Well, you know, I'll do my best. Thanks.

You people, I don't know how many of you have seen a little show that I did

called All in the Family.

Well, on that show, what we tried to do was show the insidiousness of closed

-mindedness. Now, you see...

I think you people have to be a little open -minded with Gary because, you see,

with Gary, you're not only getting an exemplary neighbor, you're also getting

above -average gag man who can give you hours of... Excuse me, where did you

park?

I parked in a spot that's reserved for guests.

That's my spot. I'm Mr. Guest.

And look at his shoes.

Look at his shoes. He's been trampling through my flower bed.

My country was the butt of many of Archie Bunker jokes.

Gary, this is not working out. Let me take him up to the roof. No, no, no.

Sit down. Please let me take him to the roof. Sit down. Come on.

Rob, I really appreciate you coming by. I'm sorry, Gary. I thought my speech

would go for better. I guess I don't know. They just don't like television

people. That's all it is to it. Really? I'm not kidding. Well, I also direct

movies. Big deal.

So does Opie, meathead.

She'd get one of the biggest laughs in the show.

Well, I'm sorry, Gar. Sorry. Yeah,

yeah.

That Chinese guy was funny, too, I thought.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's actually Korean. Really? Oh, no wonder he's

You know, this celebrity bailing me out thing usually always works. This is like

the end of an era for us.

Well... Mr. Moon has voted to allow Gary to keep his show. That means we have a

tie, and Mr. Guest will cast the deciding vote.

I vote that Gary... that Gary be

allowed to do his show and have his garage sale and that Mr. Peterson can do

whatever he likes.

So be it, then.

I did my best. I did my best. Do me a favor.

Where's apartment 3C?

Ms. Ferguson's? Yeah. She's up that way, up through there. Oh, yeah?

So does Opie Meathead? Okay.

I think he's over that by now.

He's a great guy. Anyway, that's the show, and it looks like I'm going to be

able to have my garage sale. Oh, look, everyone from the condo meeting is going

to come in and buy some stuff, so I'm going to make out really good.

Well, I'm out of funny stuff, so I'll see you the next show when we all think

of some more funny stuff.

All right, see you next time.

Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Tanling Show.