Original subtitles

Really, welcome to my lovely home. Thank you.

You're an excellent audience, folks. This is the kind of audience that could

probably hear this monologue two, three times and still really laugh.

Anyway, welcome to tonight's show, which I'm really excited about

because it means we have one less to do.

Truth right there.

It's really an exciting show tonight because it's kind of a reunion show from

the 1960s with Pete and Nancy and my old college professor, Dr. Paul Bosgang.

I really wouldn't be so quick to applaud a teacher. He

could come in and give us a pop quiz.

Anyway...

You know, Pete and Nancy and I were actually very inseparable in college. We

were like the Mod Squad, really.

Well, you've got to remember, Pete was black in those days.

You know, Nancy was from a wealthy family, and, of course, I was Peggy

That's right. I had long blonde hair, and Quincy Jones made me cut it short

this, and then he dumped me like a hot potato.

So anyway, okay, well, maybe we were more like the Partridge family. I don't

know.

Anyway, getting on with the spirit of the 60s, why don't we roll the opening

credits while we listen to the opening theme sung by Flo and Eddie from The

Turtles.

Where's Dr. Boutgang? Oh, he's not here yet. We're just getting ready to run the

opening theme.

Oh, okay. Well, we'll see you in 41 seconds.

Oh, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. The turtles are going to sing the opening

theme. Oh, yeah, right.

Like you got Flo and Eddie.

No, I did. I'm not lying this time.

Come on. Have a seat. Have a seat.

Okay.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the turtles.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called us up and asked if we would sing a theme

song. We're almost at the finish. How do you like it so far? How do you like the

theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where we start to pop off. Then we'll watch it's

Gary Shandling's show.

This is a game to Gary Shanley show.

Just a great job.

Just a great job.

Next week, we have a very special version of the theme sung by Siegfried

Roy.

Anyway, good job, guys. I'm telling you, this is the new single. I'm telling

you. We'll get in the recording studio and really, maybe the next time you come

on and sing the theme, you won't need cue cards. Who knows?

See you guys. Say hi to Mick for me. We will, Gary.

We've seen Paul Bosgang since we graduated.

Oh, dear, bye. How long is he going to be here? Well, he's going to be here all

week. He's just coming by to say hi, and then we're all going to go and have

dinner with him on Thursday.

Oh, great.

Thursday, I'll stay with you? Yeah. Perfect. Look, I don't want to burst

everyone's balloon.

Why is everyone so excited?

I mean, isn't this guy just a teacher?

Oh, no, Grant. You know, Paul's actually a... Oh, he was really a mentor.

Well, I was going to say an easy grader, but...

So then I got an A in that class.

Well, sure, everybody got an A. No, no, no. I got a B minus.

How could you... What? We graded ourselves in that class.

Well, I didn't like my attitude.

Well, you know... You know, Pete also set himself back in the fourth

grade.

Because he felt he didn't work well with others.

Gary. Oh, it is great to see you, Paul.

Oh, Nancy.

Pete. Pete Schumacher.

Oh, it's so great to see you all. Great to see you. And look at this place.

Well, you've done all right for yourself, Mr.

How's my face?

No,

it's how's my hair now, Paul. My face cleared up.

We've got some catching up to do. We sure do. Come on, Nancy. You look great,

but no peasant dress, no sandals. Oh, yeah. I'm wearing a bra now.

And look under her arms, Paul. No more gorilla girl. Come on.

Remember when we lost the frisbee there at the concert?

Come on.

Paul, come on. I'd like you to say hello to my son, Grant.

Grant, this is Dr.

Bodgang. Hi.

Nice to meet you. Hello, Grant. What's happening?

You know, Dr.

Bosking, my dad said in the 60s you guys were all hippies. Well, Grant, I can

only hope that when you're in college, you stand up for what you believe in

like your parents did.

Go on, have a seat, Paul. Have a seat.

I'll tell you, it doesn't sound like you've changed a bit.

My values are the same, but I don't seem to have the same support I once did.

That's why I'm hoping that things like this article I'm doing for Life magazine

will revive some interest in what we were all yelling and screaming about,

especially the ecology movement.

Sounds great. Yeah, terrific.

Yeah, it really is.

You guys want to see something great?

Take a look at these photos that the magazine is doing.

They're from the Save the Planet demonstration I organized back then. Oh,

gosh. Was that Peter, Paul, and Mary?

Right on. Now, you've got to remember, that's 20 years ago.

And isn't that Abby Hoffman? With the naked woman on his shoulder? Hey, hey,

me see. Let me see.

Hey, this is my mom.

This is my mom.

God, she's magnificent.

You know, Gary, I was really indebted to your mom. She worked very hard on the

Save the Planet movement.

Oh, look, you know, I understand.

You know, I'm no prude when it comes to naked pictures, but, you know, couldn't

you...

sort of doctor it up so maybe there's a negligee on her. Just a real sexy one. I

mean, it would lead more to the imagination, you know.

She'd still be hot, I swear.

You're just as funny as you were in your old coffeehouse days.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe a helmet with a visor or something like that.

Paul, why don't you stop by the house and see Jackie and the baby?

Oh, I'd love to.

But I've only got a minute.

I'll have more time to spend with you all on Thursday.

Great, yeah. See you Thursday.

Yeah. What's the baby's name?

Oh, the baby doesn't have a name yet. Gary's having a contest.

A contest?

Oh, so your mom's going to be naked. I mean, come on. It's not like people buy

Life magazine to fuel their masturbatory fantasies.

Ew.

Maybe I'm overreacting.

What do you guys think?

Take a look.

Oh, my God,

did you hear that? It's worse than I thought, and I have a mature audience.

Oh, no, what if Paul's right?

What if this photo does bring back the 60s?

Oh, my poor mom.

What if it brings back the 60s? Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no. I know that look.

No, no, Gary.

You're not going to trip. I'm tripping out. No.

I'm tripping out. Okay, all right. I'll be here when you come back around. I'm

tripping. I'll be here. I'll be here. I'll be here.

You're so right for manhandling.

That's because you're Ruth Shandling.

I really want you. Ruth Shandling want me.

I know that Gary's whiny.

Cause everyone sees your hiney.

Take off your clothes please. Ruth Shandling really.

Good job.

What a bummer. Really.

Kids, just say no to a dream sequence.

Really.

Oh.

I gotta go talk to Paul, but, you know, I'm really nervous about it, so let's

have some commercial messages, then I'll get some nerve, and then I'll go talk

to Paul.

That's right.

Commercials give me nerve.

And now for you Showtime subscribers.

On a clear day, rise and look around you, and you will see who you are. On a

clear day, how it will astound you.

On a clear day, on a clear day, you can see

forever and ever and ever and ever.

See, you can read and watch TV at the same time. That's why the University of

Arizona gave you tenure.

Tenure? Yeah.

Gary, when Life Magazine publishes my photo captions, they're going to make me

chairman of the department.

I am so up.

You know, I've been waiting for a break like this my entire career.

Well, I'm really happy for you, Paul.

It's great. It's just great.

Gary.

We've been friends a long time.

Something wrong? No. I mean, we're still on for Thursday, right? Oh, yeah. Oh,

Thursday. We're all really looking forward to it. Absolutely, Paul.

Great.

Do you have to print that naked picture of my mom, Paul?

I mean... We are serious.

Is this more your coffee house stuff? Oh, no, no.

No, I have a lot stronger material than this, Paul.

Well, look, Gary.

That photo is the centerpiece of my article.

I've got a brilliant caption for it.

You know, without the photo, I'm not sure that Life magazine would be

interested.

Yeah. Well, you know, I understand, Paul, but I think that's going to really

embarrass my mom.

And, you know, now that I'm on television, this thing could get blown

proportion.

You know?

I see.

Yeah.

Well, I, uh...

I would never want to do anything to jeopardize our friendship.

You don't want me to publish the photo? Of course I won't.

But do me a favor, will you, Gary?

Really think this through before you make your final decision.

Okay.

Thanks. Thanks, Paul.

You know that, uh...

The trophy I gave you in my senior year, the one that says world's greatest

teacher?

I display it proudly on my mantle. Really?

Right alongside the popsicle stick cabin you gave me in your junior year.

You still got that. Well, you deserve them both, Paul.

Gary, please let me know your final decision on Thursday.

Oh, right, Thursday, Paul. Great.

Well, when I have a difficult decision like this, sometimes it helps me to talk

things over with my dad, you know, sort things out.

We loved him very much.

Certainly a lot more than these other people love their fathers.

Dad, I don't know what to do, you know.

I have this old friend who took these pictures, and if I don't let him print

them in Life magazine, it could ruin his career.

On the other hand, they're pictures of Mom.

Well, now, Gary, exactly what kind of pictures are you talking about?

That's right. You don't think I'd talk to this thing if it didn't answer back,

do you?

What kind of nut do I look like?

Well, Dad, there... She doesn't have any clothes on, Dad.

Completely naked?

Well, no.

Well, everything except for the part that Abby Hoffman's head is covering.

Pretty sight, Dad.

There she goes again. Even in death, she's embarrassing me. Look at this

monument. Do you think it was my idea?

Now she's thinking of adding tiki torches.

Take it easy. You're going to make yourself sick again.

Look, Gary, your mother's a beautiful, flighty woman whom I loved very much. I

know. Like Mr.

Mooney loved Lucy.

You mean like Ricky Ricardo, Dad.

No, that was I Love Lucy. I'm talking about Here's Lucy.

You know, they lived in Connecticut. There was no Ethel. There was Viv. Oh,

right. By the way, is that still on?

Yeah,

I think it is, Dad. But, boy,

he can really drift, can't he?

The point is, if I don't let him publish these pictures, it's going to really

hurt him.

Well, to hell with your friend, Paul.

Let him find someone else's breasts to put in Life magazine.

You know, I can't believe this, Gary. Am I the only one who cares about the

Shandling name?

Now stop that picture.

Now go on. Okay. Now get out of here. Okay. Boo!

It's like talking to Casper.

Mr. Shanling, I got fired from my job today.

That's right. My dad gives lots of people advice.

Sure, I get Life magazine. Why do you ask?

Boy, my dad sure can't keep a secret, can he?

Leave them alone.

Barbara. Oh, hi, Mom.

I was just tidying up the apartment.

Oh, is it Tuesday already?

Well, it looks great.

Where did you get this picture?

Oh, Paul brought that.

You, uh... You haven't shown it to anybody, have you? Oh, no, no, no, no,

course not, Mom. I haven't shown it to anybody.

What was Paul doing with this?

Well, you're not going to believe this.

He was going to have this published in Life magazine.

You're kidding. No, no, no. Why?

Well, because he said it symbolized the Save the Planet movement and that it

would rekindle all our memories of what the 60s were about, you know. Yeah.

Yeah. Gosh. But I stopped him from printing it because I knew that would

embarrass you. I haven't thought of that day in, oh, well, a long time.

Wow. I remember Abby was upset with me because I was wearing synthetic fibers.

So I just showed him I could be more natural than he was.

So that's the reason you gave me all your polyester pantsuits.

Which, by the way, I had to wear all through the 70s with clogs.

The movement had such meaning for me.

And you know what?

It still does.

And if I had the chance to do it again...

I would.

Well, what are you saying, Mom? You wish that he had printed those pictures?

Well, listen, maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

No, well, after all, isn't that what it's all about? The cause before the

individual? No. Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom. You can't go throwing

the shambling breasts around like that. This is odd.

You just can't.

Well, in case you've forgotten, these are my breasts, not yours.

No, I've always considered them your breasts, Mom.

But I don't know what to tell my dad. I think he considered them ours, actually.

Especially at holidays.

Isn't it my decision to make? Yeah.

Mom, I guess I made a real mistake.

I forgot that the cause is more important. You're right.

I'll, uh...

Call Paul and tell him that he should go ahead and print that picture.

I love you, Bubba.

I love you, Mom.

Mom, I'm going to buy you a bikini in time for the Sports Illustrated issue.

I'll see you Thursday.

Okay. And then on Tuesday, right, Mom, for half day?

See you then.

Okay, here's where we are in the story.

It's six weeks later, Life magazine came out.

And I was so proud of that picture of my mom that I bought every single issue

Life magazine published.

That's right, all 3 .5 million copies.

Really, there's another million in the bathroom.

Sorry, you guys.

So I'll see you all next week.

Hope you had a good time. And now, the turtles.

Imagine me and you. I do.

I think about you day and night. It's only right to think about the girl you

love and hold her tight.

So happy together.

If I should call you up in death to die and say you belong to me and he's my

mom, imagine how happy we'd be so happy together.