All language subtitles for Its Garry Shandlings s01e08 Grants Date

leave a message, and I'll call you right
back.

If this is a girl, come on over.

Hello? Audience, are you there?

This is Gary. Are you there?

Oh,

would you pick up? Somebody please pick
up?

Because I'm calling from my car phone
and I'm lost.

I don't know. I forgot how to get to the
studio.

I'm just curious. On your way to the
studio, did any of you pass a big farm

a red windmill and a...

There's a big cornfield here. Where the
hell am I?

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me
up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How
do you like it so far?

How do you like the theme to Gary's
show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the
opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the
credits.

We're almost to the part of where I
start to whistle. Then we'll watch a

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's
show.

most accidents do happen within two feet
of home.

There go my insurance rates.

Oh, anyway, I'm sorry I was late, but
look.

Fresh corn.

This will be on sale after the show.

And then I'm coming down. Nice to see
you all. Hello. I was driving down

Sure, one person's happy. I was
driving...

I'm driving down the freeway, and they
were doing construction work, and it was

closed. One day they'll have, like, 20
-lane freeways, and there will still be

sign on the freeway that says, write 19
lanes closed. You know what I mean?

Then I see this guy with a compass on
the dashboard of his car.

What the hell are those for?

When was the last time you were driving?
Were they going to Ecuador or what? I

mean, when was the last time you were on
the highway, hit a jungle, and said,

where are we, honey?

Is the compass working? Is the altimeter
still happening?

You never really ask directions and
someone says, yeah, you go four degrees

north and three degrees west. And you
go, damn, if I only had a compass.

Anyway, I guess you're wondering why I'm
wearing this racing car outfit, besides

the fact that I look incredibly sexy in
it.

Yeah, sometimes I just look in the
mirror and think, hey, I've been with

man.

But, you know...

When you don't have a windshield, you
got to wear something for the bugs to

smash into.

Of course, I don't need a helmet
because, of course, my lips protect my

Oh,

look, a gnat.

I'm chaperoning Grant on his first date
tonight, which is great

because I don't have a date tonight. You
know what I say.

Chaperoning is the next best thing to
being there.

Oh, I guess that must be the end of my
monologue.

It wasn't a bad one, really, do you
think?

Oh,

hi, Pete. Hey, Gary, hi.

Boy, this is exciting.

Oh, look at him, Gary.

Baby having his first date tonight.

Mom, please.

Oh, don't worry, Grant. My mom still
cries when I go on a date.

Hey, Grant, I'm sending you out with the
master. Uncle Gary's been on a lot of

first dates.

And you know, the truth is, I wish I
could skip first dates altogether and go

right to being dumped. Really.

I think it would take out a lot of the
guesswork.

Okay, Gary, now, you know what to do,
right?

Take Grant out on his date and maybe a
little ice cream afterward. And, Grant,

honey, if you start to wheeze, I want
you to use your inhaler.

Mom. Hey, Grant, I go through two, three
of those on a date. Really.

The last date I got lucky on, they had
to hook me to a respirator.

Okay.

Have fun, honey.

Good luck, son.

I'll see you guys.

Thanks, Gary. See you. Okay. See you.
See you.

Well, Grant, you look great.

Thanks. Yeah, I think your date's a
lucky girl.

Thanks, Gary. Really. You know, that
really means a lot to me, but I'm still

kind of nervous. I mean...

Tim's beautiful.

She's kind of a wild girl. And I'm,
well, I'm just Grant.

Hey, Grant, come on. She wouldn't be
going out with you if she didn't really

like you, you know?

Yeah. So you should just relax and have
a good time. And if she goes to touch

you, don't giggle.

Okay?

That's all there is to it. Thanks, Uncle
Gary. Hey, sure. Look, you've given me

the same advice plenty of times. I'm
glad I could reciprocate.

I think so.

Uh, okay, because if there's anything
you need, I got it here in my pre -date

kit. Oh, yeah?

I got, uh, I got cologne, I got some
hairspray, I got some mouthwash, I got

burn cream, and I got some antiseptic
wipes.

Well, okay, let's hope you don't need
those.

I think I'm okay.

You think so? Yeah.

Boy, you're more secure than I ever was.

All right. Good luck. Thanks.

You know, this walk to the girl's house
from the car, it's like the worst, isn't

it? It's like that last walk, that last
mile to the electric chair, isn't it? In

fact, I had a priest walk with me my
first few days.

And then you got to get by her dad and
all those boring questions like, what

grade are you in?

I'm in seventh grade, sir.

Oh, and what do you want to be when you
grow up?

A hush puppy salesman like my dad.

there's the multiple choice section.

I'll say C.

B.

None of the above.

And then sometimes the questions get
really hard.

Oh, gee, let me see.

The industrial revolution.

Pi times the radius squared.

The Nima, the Pinsa, and... Santa Maria.

The Santa... The Santa Maria. The Santa
Maria.

Santa Maria. And Santa Maria.

All right.

And that's just the oral part. Some
fathers actually require an essay.

Oh, good. It's a take -home.

Uh -oh.

Here comes the mandatory physical.

Uncle Gary's gonna chaperone.

Chaperone? Grant, don't you think that
might be just a little geeky?

But the movie's PG -13.

I mean, we're only 12.

Good guy, Grant. Haven't you ever heard
of a fake ID?

Isn't that illegal?

So? Uh, well... Uncle Gary, this is Kim
Stevens. Kim, this is Gary.

Oh, hi, Kim. Nice to meet you.

You're Gary Shanley. Grant, this is Gary
Shanley. I have been your biggest fan

since third grade.

So, you guys ready to go? I sure am. Me
too. Great, let's go. This is going to

be fun.

You know, I can't wait to see the attack
of the ninja. Me too. You know, we

better hurry or we'll miss the beheading
scene.

Are they cute or what?

This is going to be better than a puppet
show.

time i go to a drive -in they skyrocket
and

remind me to unhook this okay because
last week

i was at a movie and forgot to take it
off and yank the whole top of my car off

all right

such an exciting life. I mean, Las
Vegas, bright lights, life on the edge.

Well, you know, it's... It's okay.

You know, if you want to talk about
exciting, let's talk Grant Schumacher.

Look at him. You know, Grant... Grant's
a Cub Scout. Isn't that right, Grant?

Yeah, Mom, it's a wee blow.

Just a wee blow, a wee blow.

Oh, you want to talk funny? Grant, tell
her a joke. Grant's hysterical.

Okay. Why do those people have compasses
on their cars?

Where are they driving?

Home?

Well, I think what he means by home is,
uh, Ecuador.

Part of the joke that he switches it
like that. That was a good one, Grant.

Yeah, right.

Thanks, Uncle Jerry.

Kim, would you like some popcorn?

Could you go get us some?

Well, I'll go get it. Oh, no, no, no,
no. Grant's gonna go.

And, Grant, steal it.

Steal it?

Did she say steal it?

Steal it!

Did she say stick it?

Steal it?

I'm chaperoning Squeaky Frome.

I'll see you back at the house.

I bought them popcorn, okay?

That a boy.

You know, you save a little money by
buying in quantity.

That's my little consumer tip for
tonight.

And for those of you who are upset that
you missed the end of the ninja movie,

let me just tell you that the head ninja
comes in, gets beheaded, and then he's

not the head ninja anymore.

Oh, well, you know, Grant helped me pick
them out.

Kim, could you excuse us for a minute?

I have to talk to my Uncle Gary alone.

Yeah, fine. I have to use the restroom.

Oh, the ladies' room is the second door
on the left.

It's the door that's marked Muchachas.

I don't... I don't know... Hi, guys.

Oh, hi, Dan. Oh, I'm so glad to see you.
Grant, how did your date go?

Gary stole my girlfriend.

Nance, I did not steal his girlfriend.

Liar. Look at his lion eyes.

Gary, what is Grant talking about?

I'm talking about making time with my
baby.

Nancy, will you excuse us? I want to
talk to the snake alone.

Gary. Out, woman.

I'm out, man. Snake, I'll be outside.
I'll talk to you in a minute.

You know, Grant...

I'm your best friend. I'm your Uncle
Gary. I would never steal your

Put a cork in it, Shanling.

Every week, you try to pick up all the
actresses on the show.

But to do to this.

Grant, that's the oldest 12 -year -old
I've ever met in my life.

And I'm not sure, to be honest with you,
that this is the right girl for you.

Oh, but she's right for you.

No.

You know, this is my first time
chaperoning, and maybe you can tell me

doesn't always go like this, does it?

Gary, you know, I don't remember the
last time I needed change to go to the

bathroom.

Well, okay, so I have pay toilets. So
what?

The paper towels are free.

Tim, can I see you outside now?

Sure, Grant. What's going on?

Outside. Now.

Gary, I had never seen Grant so riled
up. What's going on?

Oh, Nance, it was a nightmare.

The girl ignored Grant the whole night
and just talked to me. I didn't know

to do.

How do you do it?

How do I do what? You ruin dates when
you're not even on them.

It's a gift, I guess.

I wasn't saying, oh, my God, because I
was having a religious experience.

I saw him steal my... Uh -oh. What? Uh
-oh. What's the matter? Uh -oh, here

comes the dream sequence.

Uh -oh. Uh -oh. Oh, I hate these. I hate
these.

Oh, no.

Everything's getting wavy. Oh, no.

moose in this one. Oh, Gary, I'm so
sorry. Those are so draining.

I gotta go find those kids.

Okay. Oh.

Oh, no, wait. Oh, no. Oh, no,

it was a false alarm.

All right.

I'll be right back.

You know,

Grant, I had no idea you were such a
wild man.

Hey!

I am a gang.

You know, Grant, I really do like your
style.

Hey, look, let's hit the open road and
go to Vegas.

Hey, what? Go where?

Vegas.

I'll go in and pack a few things, make a
couple of sandwiches, and then we're

out of here. Vegas?

Kim, I have a clarinet lesson in the
morning.

Mr. McAllister will kill me. I have a
recital on Saturday and all my mom's

friends will be there.

Grant, Grant, thank God you're all
right. I'm sorry I took your call.

I'm sorry. Please take me home.

It's okay.

It's all right. It's over now, Grant.

Wait a minute, Grant.

What about our trip to Las Vegas?

Oh, I think Vegas is off for tonight.

I think we can continue this
relationship.

You make me really nervous.

Yeah, me too.

Come on, Grant, get in the car.

Slide all the way over. I'll drive.
Going home.

Go home, have a little talk and some ice
cream, okay?

All right.

What a couple of dorks.

Well, it takes one to know one.

I guess I just went crazy because I
wanted Kim to like me so bad.

Well, I know that feeling, but, you
know, in all the years I've been dating,

never tried to impress a girl by
stealing a car.

You know, I bought them cars.

Okay, I've rented them cars.

Okay, I rented the girl.

But you were right, Uncle Gary. She
wasn't the girl for me.

Maybe there isn't one.

Hey, Grant, come on. You've had one
date, you know.

There'll be plenty of girls out there
who like you for who you are. I hope

you're right.

Uncle Gary, are you going to tell my
parents I stole your car?

Oh, don't think so, Grant. I chaperoned
a date that ended up in a felony.

I think we can keep this our little
secret, okay?

It's a deal.

Yeah, and that goes for you folks at
home, too, okay?

Don't tell anybody anything about this,
all right?

And I hope you enjoyed tonight's show
because the explosive issue was...

chaperoning.

And the lesson we learned was, I'm no
good at it.

And next week's explosive issue is, pen
pals, do we really need to know what

they look like?

Also, by the way, if you know where I
can get any car insurance, I'd really

appreciate it because my cancellation
notice just came.

All right?

Uncle Gary, since tonight's show was
about me, which I really do appreciate.

Well, it was really about me and
chaperoning, Grant.

That's what you want, but... Anyway,
what I

really wanted to ask you was, can I play
the closing theme song on my fair

clarinet that I keep in your wine rack?

Sure, Grant, that's what it's there for.

Thanks!

And you folks at home, you know, feel
free to join in. Get your instruments

of your wine racks and just play along
with Grant because I think you know it

was my show.

Okay. Hello, big man. My show.