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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:15,960 Thank you so much. 2 00:00:16,620 --> 00:00:23,300 Well, it's, uh... Oh, you stopped 3 00:00:23,300 --> 00:00:25,120 applauding. Well, all right, that's okay. 4 00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:28,660 I, uh... No, no, don't start again. It throws me off, really. 5 00:00:28,980 --> 00:00:33,600 I'm thrilled to see you all again. You know, we were off for a long time. We 6 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:38,580 went on a little vacation, and we're back, and I'm thrilled to be back. We're 7 00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:39,680 just gearing... I went to Hawaii. 8 00:00:40,940 --> 00:00:41,940 Where did you go? 9 00:00:43,890 --> 00:00:45,730 And so I'm flying on the airplane. 10 00:00:46,030 --> 00:00:51,630 I go on one of those DC -10s. It's like flying on a Winnebago. You know, 11 00:00:51,670 --> 00:00:55,550 seriously. I couldn't see out of my window because they had a trout decal on 12 00:00:55,550 --> 00:00:56,550 window. 13 00:00:57,610 --> 00:01:01,150 Then the stewardess... These are the jokes in the monologue. 14 00:01:02,860 --> 00:01:06,860 the stewardess actually explains how to operate the seatbelt when you fly, 15 00:01:07,060 --> 00:01:12,560 right? I mean, this is an ordinary car seatbelt. If you can't figure this out 16 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:15,300 your own, don't even listen to the part about the oxygen mask. 17 00:01:16,220 --> 00:01:18,260 You're a dead person, all right? 18 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:21,000 This thing's going to come down. You're going to go, oh, no, what the hell is 19 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:21,839 this thing? 20 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:22,840 Hello? 21 00:01:23,100 --> 00:01:24,100 Hello? 22 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:27,860 There's air coming out of my telephone, stewardess. Hello? 23 00:01:29,980 --> 00:01:31,680 And I put those little locks. 24 00:01:32,350 --> 00:01:34,590 They're like this big on my suitcase. 25 00:01:36,590 --> 00:01:39,850 Like, this is going to prevent anybody from stealing your suitcase. 26 00:01:40,550 --> 00:01:44,070 Like, they're going to go, oh, there's a little lock on this one, Harry. 27 00:01:45,050 --> 00:01:47,630 We better let it go by. We'll never get through this vinyl. 28 00:01:50,190 --> 00:01:53,230 It's like the locks on a diary, you know what I mean? Just put someone in and 29 00:01:53,230 --> 00:01:55,690 say, get the dynamite, Bill. Let's blow this baby open. 30 00:01:58,540 --> 00:02:02,100 Then I'm getting off the plane. A woman wanders by me with wheels on the bottom 31 00:02:02,100 --> 00:02:03,100 of her suitcase. 32 00:02:03,140 --> 00:02:05,540 And, I mean, she's moving. It's jacked up in the back. 33 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:13,060 There's mags on this thing, and there's another woman racing her, going, is that 34 00:02:13,060 --> 00:02:14,060 a Samsonite 250? 35 00:02:15,540 --> 00:02:17,260 That's a fast bag. Jeez. 36 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:20,680 Is that the original equipment on that thing? 37 00:02:22,380 --> 00:02:27,120 But I made it back. I made it back safely. All our cast is back. Scott 38 00:02:27,220 --> 00:02:28,220 who plays Grant. 39 00:02:29,519 --> 00:02:34,600 literally broke his foot, and you'll see him tonight. He has a cast on, so part 40 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:37,500 of our cast has a cast. 41 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:42,280 But before I get started with tonight's show, there is somebody I want you to 42 00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:43,320 meet before I go on. 43 00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:45,900 Maria, Maria, come with me just a second. 44 00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:47,980 No, Mr. Gary, please. 45 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:49,138 No, it's okay. 46 00:02:49,140 --> 00:02:55,780 This is Maria Herrera, and she's a very valued member of our... 47 00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:00,660 studio crew. Don't be so frightened. It's okay. And she's leaving us soon to 48 00:03:00,660 --> 00:03:03,140 back to her home in Germany. 49 00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:04,520 Guatemala. 50 00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:09,080 Right. Well, Germany is Spanish for Guatemala. 51 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:16,900 And because we love you so much, Maria, I have bought you a 52 00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:21,380 little gift. This is a Statue of Liberty thermometer. 53 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:26,920 So... No matter where you are, you always know what the temperature is at 54 00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:27,920 Statue of Liberty. 55 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:30,320 Do you like it? 56 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,180 Do you like it? 57 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:36,480 It's... Oh. 58 00:03:36,900 --> 00:03:39,060 Well, it's always emotional when you leave friends. 59 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,180 It's okay. Mr. Carey. 60 00:03:41,900 --> 00:03:47,480 I am not leaving because I want to. I... I am being deported. 61 00:03:49,780 --> 00:03:50,780 Deported? 62 00:03:54,890 --> 00:03:56,050 Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. 63 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:25,060 This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is 64 00:04:25,060 --> 00:04:28,020 music that you hear as you watch the credits. 65 00:04:28,380 --> 00:04:33,380 We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his 66 00:04:33,380 --> 00:04:34,380 Shandling show. 67 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,800 This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show. 68 00:04:44,580 --> 00:04:45,940 Maria, is this horror? 69 00:04:46,220 --> 00:04:47,220 Are you going to be okay? 70 00:04:47,900 --> 00:04:52,120 Gary, I was trying to take a nap. Could you play the theme song a little lower? 71 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:57,300 I'm sorry, Nan. Well, you know, we go through this every week. 72 00:04:58,100 --> 00:04:59,440 I'm doing the best I can. 73 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:00,680 What did you do to Maria? 74 00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:04,520 Why do you always blame me when a girl's crying? 75 00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:09,680 I didn't do anything. She's being deported. Oh, I know. We're just sick 76 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:10,700 it. Are you okay, Maria? 77 00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:13,820 I love it here in America. 78 00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:18,320 This is... It's been the best year of my life. I hate to leave. 79 00:05:18,580 --> 00:05:19,580 Oh. 80 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:23,240 Gary, there must be something we can do to keep Maria in the country. 81 00:05:24,180 --> 00:05:27,720 I know what you're thinking. This is the show where Gary marries the maid so she 82 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:28,760 can stay in the country. 83 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:33,720 But it isn't. I swear. I don't want to do that. 84 00:05:34,260 --> 00:05:38,380 So if anybody comes in with that idea, really, I give the studio audience 85 00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:40,500 permission to just boo them off the stage. 86 00:05:40,900 --> 00:05:42,900 Really. Just go ahead and boo. 87 00:05:43,650 --> 00:05:47,630 Maria, no, don't worry. Look, we'll think of something. You just think 88 00:05:47,890 --> 00:05:50,550 Right. She's right, Maria. Everything's going to be fine. 89 00:05:51,370 --> 00:05:52,750 Oh, it's Leonard Smith. 90 00:05:54,010 --> 00:05:57,230 Don't, don't, don't let him in. Good day, peeps. 91 00:05:58,510 --> 00:06:01,490 I've been tied up at an emergency Kiwanis meeting. 92 00:06:03,690 --> 00:06:05,770 Don't ask for details. I won't crack. 93 00:06:06,550 --> 00:06:09,430 So, what's the central conflict in tonight's episode? 94 00:06:10,430 --> 00:06:14,230 Well, the central conflict is that Maria's going to be deported unless we 95 00:06:14,230 --> 00:06:17,330 something. That's right. Hey, wait a minute. I just had a unique and original 96 00:06:17,330 --> 00:06:20,590 thought. Why don't we make this the show where Gary marries the maid? 97 00:06:25,410 --> 00:06:27,290 Am I on camera right now? 98 00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:29,790 Yeah, and you're a big hit, Leonard. 99 00:06:30,790 --> 00:06:33,330 You know, I think Leonard might have something there. 100 00:06:33,570 --> 00:06:34,870 Someone could marry Maria. 101 00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:37,430 Maybe Mr. Pete. 102 00:06:37,870 --> 00:06:40,110 Oh, no, there's already an unhappy Mrs. P. 103 00:06:41,550 --> 00:06:44,270 Hey, what about you, Leonard? 104 00:06:44,490 --> 00:06:45,490 Mr. Leonard. 105 00:06:45,910 --> 00:06:47,850 Fine, Mr. Leonard, Dr. 106 00:06:48,070 --> 00:06:50,050 Leonard, Sugar Ray Leonard. How about you? 107 00:06:50,570 --> 00:06:55,850 I can't afford it. Even though my late wife has passed away, I'm still taking 108 00:06:55,850 --> 00:06:56,850 her as a deduction. 109 00:06:58,190 --> 00:06:59,830 Oh, you slime bag. 110 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:06,600 Maybe you should marry her, Gary. I mean, you want to help her stay in the 111 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:07,519 country, don't you? 112 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:13,720 Oh, of course I do. But you know, this has always been a very serious and 113 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:14,720 difficult issue. 114 00:07:14,900 --> 00:07:17,860 Should someone marry someone just to stay in the country? 115 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:20,600 Let's find out what our audience thinks. 116 00:07:24,300 --> 00:07:25,500 Hi, how are you? 117 00:07:26,540 --> 00:07:27,540 Here I am. 118 00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:39,080 You want to stand up one at a time? Does anybody have any comment to make on 119 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,400 whether somebody should stay in the country or not? 120 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:46,960 You, sir, would you like to stand up? Because obviously you were in Hawaii as 121 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:47,960 well. 122 00:07:51,980 --> 00:07:53,620 What is your first name? Cliff. 123 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:55,120 Cliff. 124 00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:56,880 Great. 125 00:07:58,580 --> 00:07:59,580 Now, Cliff. 126 00:07:59,900 --> 00:08:03,780 Let me ask you this. Would you marry somebody just so they could stay in the 127 00:08:03,780 --> 00:08:05,180 country? I guess so. 128 00:08:06,260 --> 00:08:08,220 You know, I had a feeling you'd say that, Cliff. 129 00:08:10,460 --> 00:08:16,060 So, you know, what do you think? Do you think I should marry this girl Maria so 130 00:08:16,060 --> 00:08:17,060 she can stay here? 131 00:08:17,300 --> 00:08:18,360 I think it would be okay. 132 00:08:18,620 --> 00:08:21,580 You can always get the voice afterward, I guess, or something. 133 00:08:22,660 --> 00:08:23,840 Well, you've been a big help. 134 00:08:30,540 --> 00:08:33,440 Now, can I ask you a couple questions? Would you mind standing, ma 'am? 135 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:35,000 There you go. 136 00:08:35,299 --> 00:08:36,640 And what is your first name? 137 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:38,419 Vera. Vera. 138 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:43,280 Well, we should be allowed to name our folks, huh, Vera? 139 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:49,520 Now, Vera, would you still watch the show if I was married? 140 00:08:50,220 --> 00:08:51,480 I don't have show time. 141 00:08:51,780 --> 00:08:52,780 All right. 142 00:08:55,900 --> 00:08:58,280 I don't believe they give it to anybody named Vera. 143 00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:02,380 Okay, do we have a call? I think we have a call. Should we take a call? 144 00:09:03,060 --> 00:09:04,060 Okay. 145 00:09:05,340 --> 00:09:06,360 Go ahead, caller. 146 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:07,960 Hello? 147 00:09:08,860 --> 00:09:09,860 Caller? Hello? 148 00:09:11,220 --> 00:09:12,220 No. 149 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:17,320 It's Gary, caller. 150 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:19,360 No. 151 00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:22,380 Turn your TV on, caller. 152 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:23,820 Turn your TV on. 153 00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:26,200 Caller? Go ahead. 154 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:28,520 We don't have a lot of time. 155 00:09:29,980 --> 00:09:30,980 Hello? 156 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,600 You're talking in the wrong end of the phone, sir. 157 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:36,480 Hello? Caller. 158 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:38,120 Caller. Phil? 159 00:09:38,380 --> 00:09:39,380 Phil? 160 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:42,160 Caller. 161 00:09:44,260 --> 00:09:45,580 Well, thank you for the call. 162 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,120 That was a great call. 163 00:09:56,970 --> 00:10:01,570 Topic next week is color television, passing fad, or is it really here to 164 00:10:03,870 --> 00:10:05,710 Well... Mary, what's the verdict? 165 00:10:06,510 --> 00:10:09,550 I've decided I'm going to go ahead and I'd be happy to marry Maria. 166 00:10:39,820 --> 00:10:40,820 Thank you, Mr. Gary. 167 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:42,400 Thank you. 168 00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:48,720 This, this is the way I imagined it. You made me very happy. 169 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:51,400 Today... 170 00:11:26,090 --> 00:11:27,910 something very important. 171 00:11:28,510 --> 00:11:30,270 You've never made me tea before. 172 00:11:31,670 --> 00:11:33,870 Okay, Mom, I'm getting married. 173 00:11:34,230 --> 00:11:35,710 Okay? What? 174 00:11:37,610 --> 00:11:38,710 I'm getting married. 175 00:11:40,070 --> 00:11:41,470 Let me explain it to you. 176 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:02,800 Who is it? Is it Nancy? 177 00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:05,520 No. It's not Nancy, Mom. 178 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:07,800 It's Elaine Robertson. 179 00:12:08,900 --> 00:12:09,900 No. 180 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:11,980 It's not Elaine Robertson, Mom. 181 00:12:13,380 --> 00:12:14,840 It's a guy, isn't it? 182 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:19,920 I can't believe you said that. 183 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:21,880 It is? 184 00:12:22,300 --> 00:12:26,820 So? Oh, my God. My gynecologist was right. You're queer as a duck. 185 00:12:34,350 --> 00:12:37,690 No, don't worry about me. I'll be all right. I'm a modern woman, and I can 186 00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:38,690 adjust. 187 00:12:39,250 --> 00:12:41,090 I'm just so happy your father's dead. 188 00:12:42,950 --> 00:12:43,950 Well... Mom. 189 00:12:44,130 --> 00:12:47,150 Now, when is the wedding? The wedding's in four minutes, okay? 190 00:12:47,530 --> 00:12:48,750 I'd better go buy a dress. 191 00:12:52,810 --> 00:12:59,290 Today, I consider myself the luckiest woman on the face of the earth. 192 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:10,040 queer as a duck anyway. 193 00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:14,460 All right, think about this for a second. I mean, okay, the bottom half is 194 00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:15,580 the pond all the time. 195 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:19,460 How do you know what's really going on there? I think it's unfair to the duck. 196 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:25,860 Gary Aloysius Shanley, someone is actually going to marry you. 197 00:13:27,460 --> 00:13:31,060 Of course, I knew it would have to be someone who hardly speaks the language. 198 00:13:32,260 --> 00:13:36,660 But compared to the game show bimbos you usually date, Marie is Eleanor 199 00:13:36,660 --> 00:13:37,660 Roosevelt. 200 00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:39,699 She's on a Roosevelt. 201 00:13:39,700 --> 00:13:41,260 She's on card sharks, isn't she? 202 00:13:43,060 --> 00:13:44,680 Are you going to have kids, Uncle Gary? 203 00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:46,900 No, Grant, I don't think so. 204 00:13:47,220 --> 00:13:49,080 Well, that's why my folks got married. 205 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:51,100 I figured it out with a calendar. 206 00:13:51,780 --> 00:13:53,280 You were eight months premature. 207 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:54,540 Now shut the hell up. 208 00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:58,260 Well, it's time, Gary. Everyone here. 209 00:13:59,340 --> 00:14:00,340 Relaxed? You happy? 210 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:02,380 Yeah. You look good? 211 00:14:02,620 --> 00:14:04,160 I feel pretty good. Need any pointers? 212 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:05,720 Just joking. 213 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:07,720 Well, may we begin? 214 00:14:08,330 --> 00:14:09,550 Maestro? Padre? 215 00:14:28,510 --> 00:14:29,510 Him. 216 00:14:30,230 --> 00:14:31,970 No. You're marrying him. 217 00:14:35,630 --> 00:14:37,850 This is Jorge, my future brother -in -law. 218 00:14:38,070 --> 00:14:39,170 I'm marrying Maria. 219 00:14:40,450 --> 00:14:41,550 Hello, Maria. 220 00:14:42,050 --> 00:14:43,050 Hi, Mom. 221 00:14:43,290 --> 00:14:44,990 Gary, hermano. No. 222 00:14:45,670 --> 00:14:47,650 Not on the face, Jorge. 223 00:14:51,070 --> 00:14:57,250 This is, uh... Dearly beloved, we are gathered here 224 00:14:57,250 --> 00:15:02,970 to join its man and its woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. 225 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,340 By the way, we're registered at the May Company. 226 00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:18,180 Do you, Maria, take this man, Mr. Gary, as your lawfully wedded husband? 227 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:22,400 I do. 228 00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:24,420 She hesitated. Did you hear that? 229 00:15:25,020 --> 00:15:26,560 She actually hesitated. 230 00:15:27,220 --> 00:15:32,880 And do you, Mr. Gary, take this woman, Maria, to be your lawfully wedded wife? 231 00:15:35,150 --> 00:15:38,690 Is this a little boy I can? 232 00:17:57,350 --> 00:17:59,470 Believe me, I'm doing you a big favor by not singing it. 233 00:18:02,190 --> 00:18:05,950 I never thought I'd be this happy. But you know, why shouldn't I be? 234 00:18:07,350 --> 00:18:08,350 Maria's beautiful. 235 00:18:10,570 --> 00:18:11,570 She's sensitive. 236 00:18:14,230 --> 00:18:15,270 She's intelligent. 237 00:18:16,670 --> 00:18:17,670 I'm ready. 238 00:18:17,970 --> 00:18:20,450 I'm ready. I love them all. 239 00:18:24,890 --> 00:18:26,190 She loves to cook. 240 00:18:37,130 --> 00:18:38,990 sense of humor you 241 00:18:38,990 --> 00:18:52,510 know 242 00:18:52,510 --> 00:18:54,790 you spend your whole life looking for a girl 243 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:14,400 lower back pain in history i'm bloated i'm breaking out i'm cranky and don't 244 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:19,780 touch me don't touch me don't touch me okay 28 days have passed 245 00:19:47,340 --> 00:19:48,219 What happened to Maria? 246 00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:50,360 I don't know. It's like living with Liza Minnelli. 247 00:20:34,030 --> 00:20:35,030 I got you into this. 248 00:20:35,950 --> 00:20:40,270 You know, there's a very fine line between being a nice guy and an idiot. 249 00:20:41,490 --> 00:20:44,230 Take a good look and draw your own conclusion. 250 00:21:04,490 --> 00:21:06,590 Jack Wells this time for The Great Spin. 251 00:21:07,330 --> 00:21:11,470 Now, tonight, the amount of the grand prize on this wheel has reached a 252 00:21:11,470 --> 00:21:13,690 humongous $11 million. 253 00:21:14,450 --> 00:21:15,450 $11 million. 254 00:21:15,790 --> 00:21:19,210 And this is where Maria Shandling might very well become an instant millionaire 255 00:21:19,210 --> 00:21:21,150 tonight. How do you feel, Maria? Are you excited? 256 00:21:21,790 --> 00:21:22,790 Yeah. 257 00:21:23,370 --> 00:21:26,570 And this gentleman next to you, I take it, is your husband, Mr. Gary. 258 00:21:27,130 --> 00:21:28,690 Yeah, let's spin the wheel, Jack. 259 00:21:29,150 --> 00:21:30,330 Aren't you Gary Shandling? 260 00:21:30,550 --> 00:21:31,570 Yeah, yeah, Jack. 261 00:21:32,330 --> 00:21:35,720 Get over it for a guy who's... We've talked about being single for a long 262 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:38,680 It's really nice to see you with somebody who's a perfect match. 263 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:42,840 Yeah, spin the wheel, Jack. 264 00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:46,900 Why not? Let's spin the wheel. Maria, you know what to do. Take your place 265 00:21:46,900 --> 00:21:48,620 there beside the wheel. Give it a good spin. 266 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,560 Let it go and bueno suerte. 267 00:21:51,580 --> 00:21:53,100 And the wheel goes around. 268 00:21:53,380 --> 00:21:55,580 And where it stops, nobody knows. 269 00:21:56,420 --> 00:22:00,900 Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. 270 00:23:03,630 --> 00:23:08,790 their money and buy expensive gifts for themselves i on the other hand i'm going 271 00:23:08,790 --> 00:23:13,530 to take all my money and give it to the people that matter the most to me the 272 00:23:13,530 --> 00:23:14,530 studio 273 00:24:56,969 --> 00:24:59,130 Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Stanley Show. 20122