Original subtitles

you so much.

Thank you so much. That was really a very slow build on the applause.

Really. Well, we're all excited tonight because this is a very special guest

that we have on the show tonight. This is Jody Jones from Texarkana, Texas.

You had no trouble applauding for her. You just started right up, and you went

bigger than you did for me.

So anyway, we're all excited because Jodi actually won the Me and Gary on

Showtime contest.

All right.

All right, I know that you don't believe this. This is no joke.

Believe me, you'd be laughing if it was a joke. All right?

She entered this contest. They had this contest, and whoever won the contest...

would be on this show. We had nothing to do with it. This is absolutely the

truth. We have no choice. She filled out a form.

They picked it, and now we got to put her on. Okay?

You got to believe me. All right.

So now, Jody, you must be very excited about being on the show. You probably

feel like that girl in the Dancing in the Dark video that Bruce just pulled

right up on stage.

Yeah, well... Well, we're excited because we've devoted the entire show...

to JoJo, as I call her.

Nancy's coming over with a friend of hers just for a second, but right after

that, JoJo, this is your night because this is your show.

I feel like Bob Barker right now.

Hi, there.

Hi, Nancy. This is our contest winner. This is Jodi Jones from Texarkana,

or I call her JoJo. Oh, congratulations, JoJo. Welcome.

Gary, can I talk to you just for a minute? Will you excuse us?

Okay, sure. This will just take a second. Why don't you come here? You

seat right here.

Because this is your show.

This is your night.

This will just take a second. I'm just going to talk to her for a second.

Here. Here's some pistachio nuts.

And you can put the shells in here.

Okay? This is your show.

This is your night.

I have to really get right back to this. What's up? Well, I'm sorry to interrupt

you in the big winter, but I just wanted you to know that I wanted my friend

Morgan to come over and say hello to you. Yeah, no, I know. You know, my

Morgan was visiting from Greece. Yes, no. You haven't met her. Right. Well,

that's fine. Tell her to come over. Well, I already did. She's on her way.

great. Oh, gosh, Gary, I'm so nervous about having her at my house. I mean,

Morgan is so perfect, and I'm so, you know, me.

Nance, don't do this to yourself. You're great the way you are. I've told you

that before. Just relax and be yourself, okay?

Yeah. All right? Do you think I should have had the carpet cleaned?

I know a religious cult that does a really nice job with shag. Oh, yeah. No,

they're very good. I used them for my hair once. And, yeah, it was great, but

they told me nobody could walk on it for two days. So, you know, I had to stay

in. Yeah.

Well, why don't we just forget about that last joke and just

run the opening credits while we show JoJo around the set? Oh, sure.

I mean your set, JoJo, because this is, after all... My show.

And? My night.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary told me up and asked if I would write a clean

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far?

How do you like the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Sandling's show.

She put her...

She put her leg up on the armchair, and I could see up her dress.

And, uh... Oh, are we... I didn't even hear the theme stop. I'm sorry.

So this is exciting for you? Having a good time?

You're going to be the toast of Texarkana, aren't you?

Which is on the border, I believe, of Texas and, uh... Arkana.

Right. Texas and Arkana.

Oh, oh. That must be Morgan. Will you get a... Sure. Just have a seat, JoJo.

lighten up.

Really.

It's your show. It's your night. Have a good time.

Hi.

Hello. You must be Morgan.

Yes, I am.

And I must be Gary.

Yes, you are.

Gary, I've been looking forward to meeting you more than you know.

Is that right?

Oh, Morgan.

Listen, I was going to go do some errands. I thought maybe you'd like to

along for the ride. Oh, that's sweet, but I am simply exhausted. What with the

long flight and all. You don't mind, do you, Nan? Oh, of course not.

No, I know how jetting around tires me out.

So I'll just see you later, okay?

Bye, Gary.

I'll see you, Nan.

So why don't you come in and have a seat?

You know, Gary, I'm really not tired.

I just wanted a moment alone with you.

Peter, this is Peter Barth, our stage manager.

Would you take care of JoJo? Because you know it's her show, it's her night.

Follow me, JoJo.

And, JoJo, there's a lot of show left.

So don't worry, because, you know, it's your, you know.

Okay, great.

She's very sweet.

Gary, you know, when I walked in here, I felt like I was 15 and you were captain

of the polo team.

You know, he's so cute. Oh, my God, he's probably going to look at me.

No, who am I fooling? He probably doesn't even know I'm alive.

No, I knew you were alive. The second I opened the door, I thought, you know,

well, she's alive.

I have a sixth sense.

You are very handsome.

But you don't flaunt your looks like Don Johnson.

Yeah, he does do that, doesn't he? He shoves them right in your face. It's

enough already. I don't see it, frankly. You know what I mean?

You know, and more importantly, you are vulnerable.

Vulnerable in a way that women, real women, find exciting.

You know, I had no idea.

I swear.

Gary, how would you feel if I kissed you right now?

Well, I don't know. I'd hate to guess and be wrong.

And this is Lemon Lark Meadows, where I summered as a little

girl. How did you spend your summers, Gary?

As a little boy.

She's a true server.

Oh, you know, my grandfather used to play host to them all.

Why, right over here is where Scott and Zelda used to play badminton with Bobby

Benchley and Dottie Parker.

The fight they used to have.

Ernie Hemingway reffed. Well, I called him Papa.

And don't tell me, this is the wall that Humpty Dumpty fell from?

Well, I called him the dumper.

Oh, and look, this is the love tree where E .G. Marshall and J .D. Salinger

carved their initials. Really? E .G. Marshall?

Oh, Gary, why don't we carve our initials in it?

Oh, I always wanted to do that. I hope I brought... Oh.

What luck.

God,

I look great in a polo outfit.

Oh, I love the way you kiss. What's next?

What do you mean, what's next? Do I have a choice?

Gary, show me your bedroom. Come on, don't make me wait any longer.

Longer?

What do you mean?

Gary, come on, let's go.

Or am I just being crazy?

No, no, you're not crazy.

You're probably the most sane person I ever met. You're very rooted.

You know,

I'm going to do my best to be on time for the next scene, but I can't make any

promises, okay?

I know what you're thinking. What happened between me and Morgan?

Off camera? Well, I'm not telling.

What I can tell you is how really great I feel about me and Morgan

and each and every one of you.

And the world and how we should all live together in one big house.

I'm ready to buy gifts for all of you. Really.

That should give you some ideas.

Oh, hi, Nan.

You look beat. Are you okay?

I'm a little run down. I've been, you know, worrying about that new tax reform

bill and it's... Is there something you're not telling me?

Gary? Look me in the eye.

Well... Gary, something went on between the two of you. Am I right?

No, we just hit it off exceptionally well.

I don't know what it is. I think she's terrific and... You don't have to

explain. I think...

It's great. I'm thrilled, really.

Can I just ask you a favor, though?

Try not to ruin it by having sex right away.

No, I'm really going to take my time on this one.

Are you done?

What is this? What are you guys doing? This is your party for the lucky contest

winner, JoJo Jones, the Joge Monster.

Gary, so, uh, where's the guest of honor?

Oh, man, I forgot all about her. Where is JoJo?

Here she is. She's over here.

You've come all this way and you have to watch the show on a monitor?

I'm sorry. Come with me.

I'm sorry, JoJo. This is your show. This is your night.

I just got so carried away.

Yay! There you go.

Oh, there you are, Nancy.

Nancy!

Gary, is this a party for me?

Oh, Morgan, actually... Actually, it is.

Party for you, Peter.

You look so cute in that.

Would you like something to drink?

You look great.

I want you to meet, this is my friend Pete, and this is his wife Jackie, and

this is Grant.

Wait a minute, I'm confused.

Are you JoJo Jones?

Pardon me? And I'm, uh, Lewis.

I hope you like domestic champagne.

Oh, if it's wet, I'll drink it.

Gary.

Gary, can I talk to you, please?

How could you do that to JoJo? I'm sorry.

I didn't, I don't know. I was just, I'm so infatuated with her that I just got

carried away. I'm sorry, but there's a lot of show left, and we'll make it up

her. There's still that big Texarkana float that's going to come through.

And, you know, she'll be driving it. No, she can't.

She can't drive it. She's got to be on top waving.

Even better.

Gary, this girl is not shy.

I know.

I know that.

Yeah. I really like her.

Yeah, we all do.

So you sell hush puppies? That must be very interesting work.

Well, uh, it's not dull, that's for sure.

What kind of shoes do you think I should wear?

Well, um, I'll say, um, women's shoes.

You are so cute.

You know, I have a very narrow foot, and I have a hard time finding the right

fit. Perhaps if you took a look at it for me.

Oh, yeah, you got it. I don't think so.

We're going home right now, Pete.

Say goodbye to Gary.

Sorry if all the shop talk ruined the party, Gary.

Boy, Uncle Gary, I can't wait to tell the kids at school that the Joj monster

hit on my dad.

That wasn't the Joj monster, Grant.

Another minute and that woman would have had you smell her feet.

Flowers.

Flowers for Miss Jojo Jones.

Oh, great.

Leonard Smith has weaseled his way into another show.

Are you Jojo Jones?

No, I am not, but I absolutely adore FTD tickler bouquets.

Oh, you are very handsome.

But you don't flaunt your looks like, uh, Don Johnson.

I don't feel the need to.

And more importantly, you are vulnerable.

Vulnerable in a way that women, real women, find exciting.

You know what would be great right now?

A jacuzzi.

Why don't I call up Hep and see what's brewing at the mansion?

Hey, here's an idea, Walrus.

Sounds like fun.

Thank you so much for the party. Bye -bye.

Great girl, dear.

Wait a minute. Morgan, don't you think you ought to... Well, I guess... party's

winding down.

I don't believe it. She hit on Lewis, she hit on Pete, and she hits on Leonard

Smith, which is like coming on to Barney Rubble.

And I don't even want to see that in bedrock.

Have I left anybody out?

And the cameraman?

Dale? Dale hasn't gotten lucky in over a year.

Gary, this is a four -camera show.

I can't believe this.

Oh, no.

the lighting crew. You know how many of them it takes just to screw in a light

bulb?

I can't believe this. Talk about wham, bam. Thank you, Shandling.

This changes everything.

And this is Lemon Lark Meadows where I summered as a little girl.

Jimmy Thurber is...

You know,

I've always hated relationships that involve the bullhorn and more than five

men.

I feel like an idiot.

You know, I'm really confused, too, Gary. I don't understand it. I mean...

Morgan tramping around like that.

And she was so popular in college.

Oh, I'll bet.

You know, I think she might really have a problem. Because, you know, in this

week alone, both Oprah and Phil had theme shows about sexual addiction.

Now, if that's her problem, she really needs help. Where do you go?

I don't know. There's a great sex clinic down on Wilshire and Pico.

And there's one down by the post office that's... I don't know if they're open

this late, but then there's that new one down in the mall.

Maybe we should go there. I've always wanted to try it. And, you know, I have

two -for -one coupon.

for sexual dysfunction.

Isn't dysfunction spelled with a Y?

Why? Because I like you.

Well.

Well, here I am in a sex clinic, huh?

I know what you're thinking. Boy, what a great place for Shanling to do all

kinds of jokes. Well, I just can't under these circumstances.

All right, just one.

I was thinking about getting a vasectomy, but the idea of being in a

six weeks...

And

then everybody wants to sign it.

Hi, Gary.

Bethany, how are you?

Frigid. And yourself?

Well... So, Gary, are you still having problems with your little car?

My little car?

Well, it's running great. Thanks for asking.

My cute little car.

What are you looking at?

Who are you going to believe, her or me?

Hey, Gary.

Norm.

Hey, it's Norm Craig.

me everybody how are you it's great to see you norm

hey norm what are you uh what are you doing here i'm i'm a sexual addict gary

really am i just cannot get enough sexual bicarbonates in my life i mean I

know why, but every time those libations start flowing into my panoramas, I

become, I become revulsed. I really do. It's just, I can't explain it. I just, I

fling myself, prostate at my glands, and I just leave it.

Vegetating with rupture. I mean that. My chromosomes fight with my genes, and my

upper logitary lobes excrete pancelin into my deviated sector.

Honestly, it's like an epidermis. My whole body becomes, you know, flouted.

I just get this urge. I get this turgid, corpulent urge to just expand my

NutraSweets into the dark, mysterious condiments of a female woman's criteria.

It's scary.

I mean it.

And you know what? I get it every day.

Do you ever get that? Do you get that?

No, I'm just... I'm here because of a friend.

Well,

anyway, it was good to see you. Yeah, it's great to see you, Norm. Oh, by the

way, Gary, I'm opening Monday for two weeks at Caesars.

This is a tough room, huh, Norm?

Hey, they were great for me.

Watch out for the cord.

You're Gary Shandling, aren't you? Right.

I'm Dr.

Brody. Oh, hello, Doc. I'm a big fan of yours.

Oh, that's nice of you to say.

I'm sorry, but I'm all booked up today.

Oh, gee, you know, I just had one question about sexual addicts, because I

a friend who may be one.

Well,

first let me get one thing clear.

What makes you think that your friend is completely unable to control their

sexual appetite?

Well, first of all, okay, she sleeps with me. Oh, enough said. She has a

problem.

You can tell from that one time?

Well, what should I do?

Well, being addicted to sex is like being addicted to drugs or alcohol.

It's a sickness.

Right. And the patient can't be helped until he or she wants to be helped.

Well, so maybe I should have a talk with her.

That's a good idea.

Listen, while I'm here, could I ask you another sexual question about myself?

Sure.

Well, it's kind of personal.

Get out of here.

Get out of here right now before I call the police.

Morgan, this is silly. Would you please stay? We can work this out.

Gary, trust me. You don't want to get involved with me. I've heard a lot of

guys.

Well, who hasn't?

Come on, please stay.

Why are you being so nice to me?

Did you ever stop to think that maybe I like you?

But, Gary, I am incapable of carrying on a normal, healthy relationship.

Hey, me too. That's why we're perfect for each other.

Really.

Gary, I really do like you.

And I've had a terrific time being on your show. I mean, the cast, the crew,

everyone was so giving.

But now it is time for me to move on to other shows.

You know, you just seem to go from show to show to show like you're running away

from something.

Do you ever think about settling down and becoming a regular on a series?

Like maybe this series?

Gary, it is the thrill of going from show to show that turns me on.

I don't know. It sounds a little weird to me, but if you ever want to stop

running, you know, I want you to know that you have a place here.

Do you really feel that way about me? Yes, I do.

Then I really will think about it.

Really? You're very special.

So are you.

Here.

Really?

Goodbye, Gary.

I'll see you.

She'll be back.

You don't...

Give somebody beauty supplies and then just walk out of their life.

I know I don't.

All

right,

two weeks have passed.

Still no word from Morgan, huh? No.

Well, you know, there is one thing that I've realized out of this whole thing,

that I should just stop comparing myself to someone that I think is better than

I am. That's right.

Oh, my God.

JoJo.

Who?

The contest winner.

Oh, man.

It's been a month.

Where is she?

Gary Aloysius Shandling. I found her in the parking lot.

Oh. You can't just leave people lying around like that.

Oh, I could just shake you.

Poor thing, are you all right?

I'm sorry, JoJo, I forgot, but we're going to make it all up to you because

Jones from Texarkana, Texas, this is your night. This is your show.

We have a past photo that we all signed that we're going to give you that you'll

cherish for the rest of your life.

And these flowers.

You've been very sweet. Is there anything you'd like to say, JoJo?

It's not JoJo. It's Jody, asshole.

I guess we've learned quite a lot tonight about ourselves and about Jody,

I guess we've learned that you can't solve all problems in a half hour, you

know? No matter how much time you pretend has passed.

We could have pretended that a year passed, but we just can't afford that

newspapers.

So I just want to thank you for being such a great audience, and I'll see you

next time, and who knows, you know, maybe in the near future...

Uh, Morgan will come back into my life. Oh, yes.

Good night,

everybody.

Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Stanley Show.