Original subtitles

Thanks so much.

Thank you.

Thank you for really pretending to be that excited.

Really, I appreciate it quite a lot. Well, we're pretty excited because it's

mother's birthday today.

And we're going to have a surprise party for her, and you're all invited.

Would you like that?

Of course you're excited, because you probably don't get invited to a lot of

parties, and that's why you're home watching television right now.

But, you know, it couldn't have come at a better time, because my mother's kind

of down lately, you know, complaining that her life is in a rut, that she's

dating anybody, you know, and so I guess it kind of is hereditary in my family.

And I'm hoping this will pull her right out of it. So what we're going to do,

seriously, when my mother comes through these doors, I want everybody in the

studio audience to yell surprise.

Will you do that? Can we try it? Okay, let's try it. See if you're a good

audience. I'm going to count to three and then you yell surprise, okay?

it's going to mean a lot to my mom, really.

One, two, three.

Surprise!

Oh, that was great. Okay, now you at home.

One, two, three.

Well, all right. Okay.

Now, let's warm up a little by doing the wave. Okay, we'll do a wave here.

Yeah, we're going to start on this side and we'll work our way to this side.

Okay, this is pretty much going to take up the whole show, I think. Ready?

One, two, three, go.

Oh, that was great. Obviously, you people have worked together before.

Gary, I think Nancy just pulled up with her mom.

Okay, everybody behind the couch. I'll get the lights.

We have you all come down, but there just isn't room for everybody, okay? So

you want to crouch behind your seats, go ahead. And you at home, you'll have to

get behind your own furniture because, you know, there's no time to drive over

here. Okay? And don't forget to yell surprise when the lights come on.

Okay? All right, Grant.

Jackie. Yes, Gary.

Does my hair look okay?

Mm -mm.

Gary, we can't see your hair. It's dark.

Well, how does it seem?

It seems dark.

How about now? Can you see it now?

Can you see it?

I'll get another refrigerator if you can't see it. Please don't. And will you

get out of there right now?

Okay. All right. Just a little gas. Gary.

Does your mother know about the party? Oh, yeah, she knows all about it. We're

just squatting like this because we're going to start doing that Russian dance.

That's a good point, Gary.

Okay, this is going to be great.

Don't forget.

Oh, my, it's so dark in here.

Let's come back later. Why?

Oh, Nancy, you have no idea how embarrassing it is every time I catch

in the dark.

say we just take our chances, huh? Gary, your mom's here.

Surprise!

This

is

the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far?

How do you like the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch the

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

She had a heart attack.

But, hey, it's not your fault, really, you know.

But, sure, you yelled a little louder than when we rehearsed it.

Well, okay, actually, you yelled a lot louder than when we rehearsed it. No,

the one who put you up to it, so don't... Gary.

Oh, hi, Nan. She had a heart attack.

It's all my fault.

What? It is. It was my idea to have that surprise party. That's what caused it.

Oh, that didn't cause it? Yeah, it is.

Nurse? Yes? Excuse me, could I ask you a question? Sure. Now, a person could

have a heart attack because of a condition, not necessarily because of a

particular incident. Isn't that right? That's certainly right.

Yeah. But in this particular case, it happened because Spanky over here gave

crap out of his poor mother.

Way to go, Ace.

Thank you very much.

You know, just in case you're wondering, my nickname isn't Spanky or Ace. It's

Bubba, okay?

Consuelo got it wrong.

I've seen pictures like this in the newspaper.

Gary, she's not dead. She's sleeping.

No, she's not.

I've seen my mother sleep before, and she doesn't sleep like this. Nobody

Gary.

I know you've never met my mother before, but you really caught her on a

day.

Now, in this room, we have a myocardial infarction, excuse me, induced by sudden

shock. This condition is known as Gary's surprise syndrome.

disease after me.

That puts me right up there with Lou Gehrig.

Now, Dr. Cashman, how would you treat such a patient who was given 50 cc's of

nitro en route to the ER?

Well, if she responded to CPR and ICU and her HR and BP were okay, according

her EKG, I'd cut back to 20 cc's, but add between 10 to 15 mg's of CA2 just to

stabilize her BSL.

Hey, you know, I used to drive an MGB.

a BLT for lunch.

I'm just trying to participate in this conversation.

And if she holds, Dr. Kipnis? I'd move her from ICU to CCU. And if she doesn't,

Dr. Huff?

I'd send her back home.

Home?

Yeah, I think that'd be okay.

Don't you?

Hey, what are you guys doing?

Gary. In addition to being a medical facility, this hospital is also a

institution, much like your series.

I'm Dr.

Zachron, and these are students here at the hospital.

Great, so what he's saying is my mom's a pop quiz.

Is she going to be okay?

We should know by the end of the show. In the meantime, let her sleep.

Sleep? What's that? Oh, Gary wasn't sure his mother was just sleeping.

Oh, don't worry.

She's just sleeping. That's right.

Absolutely. Thanks.

Thanks. Are you sure? I thought she sort of looked like she's dead.

Jesus, Huff. Who sleeps like that?

Boy, you know, for his sake, I hope they're grading on a curve.

This is, uh, on the trip to Colorado.

And then, uh, this is when we went fishing. This is my mom.

That's my mom and I fishing in San Diego.

And there I am.

See, that's a fish I caught.

That was the last time I ever heard a woman say, wow, that's a big one.

And that's me in the swimming pool in the background diving for coins.

The neighbors used to tease me and throw money in there. Well...

That's all the films I have of me and my mom. Oh, that was great.

Yeah. Grand,

honey. Wake up, sweetheart. No, not Uncle Gary and the pony again.

I can't take any more of his whole movies.

Oh, Grant, come on. Gary, that was the finest four hours I've spent in the

theater.

I'm sorry, you guys, but I really appreciate you spending the night with

really. Hey, we wanted to.

Plumber party.

Come on, Dad.

Let's have a pillow fight.

Let's tell ghost stories.

No, no, no. I got it.

Let's hold hands around the campfire and sing Kumbaya.

Uncle Gary?

Uncle Gary, what's wrong?

You haven't made one joke about my dad yet.

Uncle Gary.

I'm sorry, Grant.

You know, I'm just sitting here thinking my mother might die. This phone could

ring and I could be told I don't have any...

Parents at all.

It's a really scary thought.

Sure it's scary. We're all scared. I mean, we all have parents who are going

die. No matter how old you are, you always want your mother and father.

It's true.

As long as your parents are around, there's still a part of you that will

feel like a kid.

You know, I think about you guys dying a lot.

You do, son?

Mostly at night when I'm in bed.

You know, that's why I want Grandma and Grandpa to stay real healthy.

What do you mean, honey?

Well, since they're the oldest in the family, I figure that they're the next

go. So as long as they're all right, you two are okay, and you won't go belly up

like Uncle Gary's folks.

Oh, Grant.

I'm sorry, Uncle Gary. I didn't mean to say that. It just flipped out.

It's okay, Grant. You know, you're going to go belly up yourself one day.

but you know hey a pajama party what a great idea where's your mom stripping

down guys it's like a morgan here what's the well well where's the

jacuzzi

Hey, Father.

Hi, Gary. How you doing? All right.

I know you're wondering what I'm doing in a gym when my mother's in the

hospital. Well, that was Father Guido Sarducci on the phone, and I thought

was a good time to come and get some, you know, spiritual guidance.

Thanks for taking the time, Father.

That's okay. My pleasure, Gary.

You know, it's like I told you on the phone.

Everybody in church is watching your show.

And we all feel just as terrible about your mother. Oh, thanks.

And everybody's praying for her, you know, to make her through this thing.

The Pope, too.

Oh, that's great. The Pope watches the show?

Well, he didn't see all of them, you know, but he's seen one.

A part of one.

He's a busy guy.

Right. But he did tape with him, you know, on his VCR.

And once he has some leisure time, he's going to look at them all one time.

Oh, great. I just thought he was great in the Pope of Greenwich Village.

Just great.

I miss the day one. I miss the day one. Oh, he was great.

Hey, you know, Gary, the reason I had you meeting me here instead of at the

church... Yeah. ...is because next week we've got this father -none -slam -a

-dunk competition coming up.

And I want to be prepared.

Oh, sure.

I don't mind.

But, hey, enough talk about basketball, huh? Tell me about your mother.

Well, you know, I... How's she doing?

Called the hospital.

Nice touch, Father. Thanks.

I made about eight in a row right before you come. Yeah, sure you did.

The hospital said her condition's about the same.

Well, she's not any worse.

No, but she's not getting any better.

It's kind of like she's in some kind of medical limbo, huh? Kind of in between

here, in between there.

Not that I don't mean there.

You know, I mean the big there.

Right. You know, Gary, in a lot of ways, Gary.

Oh. You know, Gary, in a lot of ways, life is like a basketball game.

Life is like basketball?

No, no, no. A basketball is like a basketball.

Right. Life is like a basketball game.

You start off with dribbling. You run around a little bit. You sweat.

People cheer.

First thing you know, it's over.

You know, maybe I'm wasting my time here. Maybe I should have stayed home

just watched the 700 Club.

How old is your mother? You know, she's only 57.

57?

That's nothing.

That's not even near the interregulation of play.

I never thought of it that way, but... You know what I would do if I was you?

What? Tell her that you love her. Yeah.

Tell her that you're never gonna leave her. Tell her, tell her, tell her, tell

her right now.

Because, you know, Gary, even if she does get through this thing, there's no

guarantee that anybody's life is going to go into overtime.

You know what I mean?

Sure.

Thanks, Father. You've been a big help. It's all right. It's my pleasure.

Hey, you know, I did you a little favor, right?

Yeah. Do me a favor, would you? Sure. One hand wash with another one, right?

Yeah. Pretend you're a nun, okay? Pretend you're a nun.

Pretend I'm a nun? Right.

Well, okay, I've never really done it before, but I'd be happy to give it a

shot. Right. Just kind of go like this. Punch up? Right. Punch up like this.

Pretend you've got on the big heavy shoes, you know, and you can't move very

fast, you know. And you've got a beard and a veil on. Veil on my head. Nothing

on my head.

Forget the head. Okay.

Guard me, sister. Guard me, sister.

Sister, look. The three wise men.

I can't believe I fell for that old three wise men trick again.

I can't believe we'd stoop to that kind of joke on this

show.

couldn't sing it the way Father Sarducci did. She would have had a relapse,

believe me.

Gary. Oh, Gary. Are you okay, Mom? How do you feel?

Where am I?

You're in the hospital, okay? Here's where we are in the story, Mom.

You had a heart attack, okay?

But you're out of danger now, and now it's tomorrow.

And I'm reevaluating my life?

Right, you're reevaluating your life, Mom, because of your brush with death.

Because of my brush with death, I've just got this feeling that I want to

doing new things, meeting new people, you know, enjoying myself.

Well, all the things that I should have been doing, but I was just afraid that

if I did... That what, you'd forget about Dad?

That'll never happen, Mom.

I know.

Hello, Ruth.

Hello, Stanley.

Stanley, um, Gary, I'd like you to meet Stanley.

Oh, hi, Stanley. Gary? Meet you.

Stanley is also a patient here.

Also a heart attack.

Oh. Isn't that romantic?

Yeah, that's really romantic, really. The last girl I met in the hospital

me.

visiting a friend of mine.

And you know, my heart attack happened exactly under the same circumstances as

your mother.

Is that right?

On the golf course.

Well, I lied to him because I didn't want him to be afraid of you.

I think he's kind of cute.

This is for you, Ruth. Oh, Dan Lee.

They're beautiful.

Well, I think our work is done here. Let's get out of here. Come on. I got

at the gift shop.

Downstairs? Yeah.

It's a very nice gift shop.

It's a very nice hospital.

Yes, it is. You know, I said let's go, really.

Unless you want to stay and watch this, it's up to you. But I say we dissolve to

my living room.

All right.

That's $20 you owe me now.

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

This money goes to the church, right?

Right.

Okay, we're going to try this party thing again, okay?

But we're going to do it a little differently this time.

Make sure when Nancy brings my mother through these doors that you don't yell

anything, okay?

All right.

Gary. Mom's here.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Gary.

I'm here for my surprise party.

How does my hair look?

Well, now I know where he gets it.

It's fine. I think I told you that in the car, and I believe we talked about

when I picked you up.

See, I think your hair looks great, Mom.

Oh, thank you.

Okay, we're all going to hide behind the couch, okay?

Okay. All right, and then we're slowly...

Going to pop up.

You know what I mean by pop up.

Right? And we're going to say surprise.

It's a fine plan.

Okay. Are you ready?

I'm ready.

Okay, now.

Okay, now.

I'm going to turn the lights off.

And then I'm going to turn them back on again.

Do you understand, Mr. Shandling?

It's going to get very dark.

and then it's going to get very light again, very quickly. How quickly?

No, no, no. Not that quickly.

It's a dimmer. You'll be fine.

Okay? Okay.

Here we go.

One, two, three.

Surprise.

Are you okay?

I'm fine. All right. I'm fine. Okay.

Now it's the studio on. audience to turn and remember what I said very quietly

because last time you nearly killed her. Okay?

Okay? One, two, three.

Happy birthday, Mom.

Well, thank you.

My dear Bubba.

Oh, what a sweet boy. And you know what? I was surprised. I was surprised.

I really was.

I was surprised.

You came here for my birthday party. Thank you all so much. It was wonderful

that you came here. All right, that's enough, Mom. We've got to end the show.

That was great, Mom.

There you go.

Mom gets a little carried away.

Well, I think we've learned a couple of lessons tonight. First of all, you don't

want to yell too loudly at a surprise party.

Don't ever forget that. And I think the other lesson we learned is that you've

got to live life in the now. You know, you can't wait for that heart attack to

happen.

to reevaluate your life because it may never happen, you know? And you'll be

sitting around hoping for that heart attack and it may never come. So, you

my advice is pretend to have a heart attack right now and reevaluate your

because life, you know, is to be... I think the lesson is, really, is that if

you have parents, that you should tell them you love them because, Father, I'm

trying to tell them what life is. And I think life is dumb.

Slices are like a bumper pull.

Right.

You know, it seems easier at first, but then you find out there's bumps all

along the felt.

And what we got to do is maneuver our way around the bumps, try to find

spiritual enlightenment along the way, and also try to hustle a couple of bucks

along the route as well.

And I think that's just what we're trying to say.

So, um, you won't get advice like that on any other show.

Anyway, we're going to share my mom's birthday cake with the studio audience.

wish you were all here, but we'll see you next week, okay?

See you then.

Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Sandling, so...