Original subtitles

Welcome to the show. Welcome to the show, really.

I'm thrilled you're all here because I think of you as more than viewers. I

think of you as friends. And I'm thrilled you're here because I just

with my girlfriend.

And all my other friends, yes, I know that comes as a surprise.

And all my other friends say, hey, what are you worried about? There's plenty of

fish in the sea. What the heck does that mean? What do fish say when they break

up? Hey, there's chicks on the beach. Don't worry about it.

And I'm in the midst of moving into this new place.

I just sold my old place for $85 ,000, and my landlord was real upset about

that.

He said, you were renting that place. I said, oh, man, I forgot. I'll give you

some of the money. I feel horrible about this.

So I want to tell you all about what's going on in my life, but, you know,

I got to go to the bathroom, and you can watch the opening credits, and I should

be right back, okay?

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like

the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Sandling's show.

Put that stuff in over there. Well, so that was some theme, huh?

Yeah, how many of you got up and danced to it? Be honest with me.

Anyway, I just broke up with my girlfriend because she moved in with

guy. And I said, you know, that's where I draw the line.

And I dumped her.

Sort of, you know.

I don't want to go out with two people. That's a big tab. So I got this new

place. I'm starting fresh. This is the stuff I wouldn't trust the movers to

touch. This is my own personal stuff.

This is my hair dryer.

This is a Conair 1500.

God forbid there's a power blackout, I have this portable generator so that

it'll keep my hair dryer going because you always want to look good even in an

emergency.

And, uh... This is my

lucky underwear.

And, uh, I'll explain it to you a little later.

And, uh...

Oh, this is my platonic friend, Nancy. She lives next door.

And we've known each other since high school. And we've never had sex, I

I swear. I swear to God.

Gary, welcome to your new place.

Oh, you look very pretty today. Oh, do you really think so? You don't think my

hair looks too much like Bernadette Peters?

Well, no. You always ask me that. It looks great. It looks like... Well, sing

little. Let me see. No, all right. It looks great, really.

So, how does your new place feel? It feels great. Look, my boxes go with the

carpeting. That's a very good sign.

What's this? Oh, that's a picture of me and Patty.

She was also dating these two guys in the background.

So what are you saving it for?

No, no, I'm not saving it. I just haven't thrown it out yet.

Okay, well, I'll just hang on to it.

This is a fresh start, remember?

Right, right. But I'm over this thing, so it doesn't really matter.

You know, Patty gave me this frame on our first date when we were... All

you take it. You take that, too.

You can put a picture of you and Steve in there.

How are you guys getting along?

Well, I have hopes.

Well, good.

Hopes are good.

You know, you should have hopes, too, Gary. This place is going to be great

you. No, I do feel great about... Oh, just put that mirror right here.

That'll be perfect. I do feel great about this place. It's... My hair looks

good. I look good for this show.

Gary, I'm... telling you. A little more makeup, a little more red in the hair.

I'm Ronald McDonald.

Oh, that's not true.

Okay, you can take the mirror into my bedroom and put it over the bed, would

you?

Yo,

phone company. You Shanley? Oh, hi. Yeah, I'm Shanley.

Where do you want the jacks?

You just put one in the bedroom and one in the car.

in the kitchen.

Why don't you put one in the bathroom? That's where I do most of my talking on

the phone.

Yeah, there's a pretty picture.

I'm going to go ahead and put the phone in the bedroom. You let me know where

you want the other one. All right, great. It's right where you're headed.

seems to sense where my bedroom is.

That's pretty frightening.

Hi. Oh, hi.

You're Gary Shandling. Yeah. I see you on TV.

I think you are so funny.

Thanks.

I'm here to install your cable. Oh, great.

Gary, I think I'll go grade some papers. I'll check in with you later. All

right, see you later, Nance. Thanks.

It's a friend. Just a friend.

You know, you really are a lot better looking in person. Really? Well, you've

got to remember, television adds three to five pounds to your lips.

I'm going to put the TV right here. Or we can put it anywhere you want. No, no,

no. This is fine. This is fine. Okay, great. You know, you are the second

celebrity that I've put in cable for this week. Really? Yeah. On Wednesday, I

did Sonny Bono.

Wow. So you've really had a full week. Yeah.

Oh, this is going to be easy. Whoever had this apartment before you had cable.

Oh, you're not going to believe this.

Vanna White lived here before me. No.

Vanna White.

Can you believe that? Are you kidding me? Vanna White? from the Wheel of

Fortune? No, from NASA.

Nobody can spin those letters like Vanna White. You know, I used to have this,

uh, Susan Stafford. No comparison.

Honest. And that Vanna is one hot act. I gotta say.

You know, it may not be worth getting a phone.

So, now, if I have any trouble with this cable, will you be the one to come out

and fix it? I would love to.

Really? Yeah, yeah.

That would be great. Yeah. Here's my card.

And I'll give you my home number just in case you have any problem after the

office is closed.

Oh, that's great, because I have a feeling it's going to break right away.

The second you're out of here, I'm just going to be yanking the cord out of the

way.

I won't abuse this, though. Thanks. Okay.

Well, they moved all my stuff in, right? And they didn't nick a thing. Then as

they're driving away, they hit my car with their van.

Almost as if they were saying, didn't we forget to damage something?

Gary, I'm sorry. I thought you were looking.

That's my friend Pete.

He's the area representative for Hush Puppies and the proud father of little

Grant there. And because, you know, he's married and I'm single, we tend to be

envious of each other's lifestyle.

All right, let's go.

Grant, you take Marvin, all right?

How smart is this?

I'll take Marvin.

I'm taller.

Thanks, Dad.

Okay, Gab. All right, and Grant, you take the outside, okay?

So we got a one -two zone, we got a man -on -man, and we'll switch off on a

pick. You got it. All right, we got him here now. No way. Here we go.

All right.

I'm proud to chew that game.

You guys don't want to play again, do you?

No, no, no.

Okay, good game, guys. Yeah, good game. Yeah, good game. Let's hope there were

no women watching, all right?

Way to shoot, Grant. If you hadn't gotten those two points, we would have

been... I think you'll let me. No, son, you had the hot hand. Thanks, Dad.

I want to take a picture with you.

Yeah, he's a great kid.

So, uh, did you ever call that cable girl? No. Did you call her? No. I mean,

tell me you called her, huh?

Pete, I didn't call her yet. What are you crazy? Why don't you call her and go

out and have a good time?

I will call her. I will. I don't even know where I would take her, frankly.

Well, on Saturday nights, Jackie and I like to go into the Henderson's to play

Yahtzee while Grant listens to records with their son, Ross. So why don't you

join us?

Oh, I don't think so.

Well, it's better than anything you've come up with.

Right?

God, my life is boring.

And I'm sure under the right circumstances, Yahtzee is really a...

it's a little routine. But you got, look, you got a great family life. You

great kid. You got a wonderful wife. Gary, my family does make me happy. But

have to admit, there are times I wish I was a happy swinging singles guy. There

are times I wish I was a happy swinging singles guy.

Well, Gary, you are a singles guy.

We know.

We know, huh? We know? What are you talking about? We don't know anything.

You're the one who we knows more than I do. You're married. How do you keep that

going in a marriage, anyway?

Well, this is kind of embarrassing, but sometimes late at night, instead of Pete

Schumacher, Jackie thinks of me as Pete Rose.

And sometimes I think of her as Jackie Bissett.

You know, then we can act crazy and...

Not feel responsible.

Well, that's a relief. For a second, I thought he was going to say Jackie

Robinson.

Hey, nice place.

Yeah. What do you think, son?

It's roomy.

So, uh... Yeah, so when does the furniture come? Yeah, well, it came

ago.

You know what?

I've been robbed.

This is the ultimate insult. First, my girlfriend moved in with another guy.

my stuff has moved in with another guy.

All right, here's where we are now in the story, all right? My stuff has been

stolen, and it was great stuff. You saw some of it at the top of the show.

Now it's 20 minutes later, and I got to do this scene where I deal with the cop.

There's no sign of forced entry, but you should get a security system. You know

they're supposed to put it in tomorrow.

Good timing. This way, if they come for the carpeting, they'll be in for a big

surprise.

Well, son, I guess we've done all that we can here.

Gary, call me if we could be of any help. All right, I'll see you guys. Dad?

Yeah? How come these things always happen to Uncle Gary? I'll tell you in

car. How come? In the car.

have a key to this place? Oh, not that I can think of. What about the previous

owner? You did change the locks. Oh, no, I didn't, but I can't picture Vanna

White coming back to rob me.

Well, neither can I.

Vanna seems like an honest girl. Yeah.

And how would she know that I'm not even here unless she's watching this show?

No, this can't be.

Not Vanna White.

Yes, there are four R's.

I'd like to try to solve the puzzle.

Is it, I stole Gary Shandling's furniture?

Correct!

stereo for 75 his female mannequin for

six dollars his bug collection for five dollars his rack of

lucky underwear and i'll take the rest of the money on a gift certificate

I paid twice that for that rack of underwear.

That woman got a bargain.

Gary, I feel horrible. Oh, Nance, Nance, it's okay.

Everything's fine.

Everything's under control. Nancy, this is Officer, uh, Weenie. That's Sweeney.

The S wore off.

I'm sorry, I didn't see that. I didn't notice that.

Ma 'am?

Well, I've got a list of your things.

Put a tracer on him. We'll see what happens in the next couple of days.

I'll keep in contact with you. Thanks a lot. Gary, I'm sorry this had to happen

to you on your first day and right after being dumped by Patty.

But if I were you, I wouldn't call the cable girl until you're over this thing.

Feel a little better about yourself.

Yeah, thanks. That's great advice.

That's why I'm a cop.

I appreciate it. You have a good day.

Oh, no, look, he seems like somebody I could talk to.

That's all.

Oh, Gary, this is really scary. I don't think I've ever been this close to an

actual robbery before. I know. It's going to be all right.

I'm sure they're not going to come back, you know, at least until I get my new

stuff in here.

Yeah, I guess so. Come on, let's walk this way.

Look at this.

Oh, I feel bad for you. You have an empty apartment.

I know. They even took my beauty parlor chair. What are they going to do with my

beauty parlor chair?

And be careful. This is where my table was.

And the TV, they took the TV.

Hey,

did you ever call that cable girl?

No, I haven't called her yet, but maybe this would be a good time. She said, if

I ever have trouble with my cable, I should give her a call.

I'm not getting any picture at all now.

Maybe we could double. Maybe you and Steve and we could go out. Oh, no, no,

would be a terrible idea. A real mistake. Now, Steve and I have got a lot

serious talking to do. All right, well, we can go out alone, I guess.

Why don't you take her miniature golfing?

Oh, come on.

I'm in my 30s. I'm not going miniature golfing.

Did I tell you I also put in cable for Burt Lancaster?

Oh, no, you didn't. Yeah.

So let me see if I have this right. You put in cable for Sonny Bono. Yeah.

Right. Lyle Alzado. Right. And the guy who played the Cisco Kid. Right. And

Bruce Jenner.

No, no, no. Bruce Jenner had the dish, remember? Oh, that's right.

I got it all screwed up.

And Michael Nesbitt's an evil Knievel. Right.

Oh, that opening used to be much wider.

Next time, I got to bring my own clubs next time. It's these clubs.

Okay, it's your turn.

Your turn.

Do you know David Lee Roth has 17 TVs in his house?

No kidding. I would have guessed much higher.

But just before he gets ready to signal for help, Gilligan comes along and

accidentally knocks the radio into the lagoon so they end up still being

stranded. Oh, what a jerk.

Oh, God.

I just ruined the whole thing for you, didn't I? No, you didn't. You can't get

your hopes up too high on this show. No, no.

You've got to go in knowing they're not getting off the island.

As soon as they get off the island, the series is over. I knew something was

going to happen. It's okay.

What about if we just listen to some music? No, no, no. I know, I know.

I'll show you my photo album. You know, I feel like I'm on Gilligan's Island. I

can't get off this date.

Okay, now, this is me in high school with my best friend, Robin Blankman,

was taken on our senior trip to Washington, D .C., the day after Robin

haircut.

Oh. Oh,

yeah, it does look... Well, it's a little hard to tell next to the Pentagon

there, but it looks cool.

Robin doesn't have cable.

Oh, that's too bad. I'm sure it'll be available soon in her area.

Oh, this is Cosmo when she was a kitten. Oh, really? Look how big she is now.

Can you hear her furring? Yeah. Can you hear her furring? Gary, listen to her

fur.

Oh, Cosmo, did you miss me today?

She loves to do it. She loves to play with it. Oh, really?

Isn't she adorable? Oh, she is. She's so cute.

She likes to sleep on my head.

I'm completely honest. There's no relationship here.

And I know that. And what's worse is, I think you know that, too, don't you?

Oh, yes, you do.

So my recommendation, Alan, is to try the ribbed ones or perhaps lambskin for

penis such as yours.

Thank you.

Yes. Hi, my name is, let's say, Gary.

And what's your sexual problem, Gary?

Well, I had this date tonight, right? And it's actually not a sexual problem.

Sounds like denial to me, Gary.

No, it's not denial, Dr. Burks. This girl wanted to go to bed with me, right?

And you couldn't get an erection.

We didn't go to bed because I didn't want to go to bed with her. Because you

couldn't get an erection.

Hey, you weren't there. There's no need to be embarrassed, Gary. You're not

alone with this problem with your penis.

Now, how big...

Anything

I should know about?

No, no.

Not at all.

You sure now?

Oh, yeah. This woman twists everything. I can't believe that he left that on the

air at that time.

Let's hear it. What happened on your date? It was horrible.

First, the girl sings the theme to Gilligan's Island, and the next thing I

I'm kissing her cat.

I'm driving home. I coughed up a hairball.

And how was your night?

You've seen one roller derby. You've seen them all.

Great. So we both had a good time.

Let's eat.

That's a great idea.

You didn't steal our food.

Oh, good.

Okay, so you kissed the cat.

Then what happened?

Well, nothing happened. I'm glad nothing happened, because, you know, if we'd

had sex, what, I would have made love to her for 15 minutes, and then what?

15 minutes?

No, 15 minutes. Did I say 15 minutes? I meant four hours. I would have made...

Seriously. I would have made love to her for six hours, and then what?

All she would have talked about was cable. That's all this woman talked

That sounds just like Steve. You know...

He's taking me to see the L .A. T -Bird skate four nights in a row.

Would you take a date to the same place four nights in a row? Well, I've never

gone out four nights in a row, but, you know, if I did, I'm sure I'd mix it up a

little.

Well, I think I'm through with him.

You should be. You don't need that in your life. Here, try some of this. This

really cures the relationship blot. Sometimes I just make a mud pack and

smear it all over myself.

Very sad.

Well, I'll get it.

It's Gary Shandling's show.

Oh, yes, Officer Sweeney, he's here.

Hey, hey, hey, they found your furniture.

Oh, great.

Hello?

Officer Sweeney? It was a scam being pulled off by your movers. They unload

furniture, wait for you to leave, then go right back in and get it. But the

neighbors think they're still unloading.

Damn, your life is exciting.

Well, listen, Ralph, thanks for all your trouble.

I appreciate it. Glad we got your stuff back.

I'm just sorry your date with that cable girl was such a disaster.

But, Gary, you've got my phone number just in case you have any more

relationship problems. Yeah, thanks, Ralph.

That's 911, right?

I can't believe you really kissed that cat.

Keep that from the guys at the station, will you, Ralph?

You know...

That's why I envy your wife. You date.

You kiss cats.

You have stuff stolen.

And I still don't believe that nothing happened between you and that cable

Gary, I want to know. I need to know. I can't believe nothing happened with the

cable girl, but nothing did. You're the one who turned into Pete Rose.

Pete Gogolak last night. Pete Gogolak. He used to kick field goals for the New

York Giants.

So what, do you wear a helmet?

Have to.

Oh, the laundry.

Gary, do you want me to do anything before I leave?

No, that'll be it, Pete. I'm just going to do the closing monologue, okay?

Have a good one.

Hey, you want to join us for dinner tonight? Maybe.

Four o 'clock. We have these coupons.

Boy, he really makes it sound appealing, doesn't he?

Well, first of all, I want to apologize to Vanna White for ever thinking you

could do such a thing, Vanna. And I also want to apologize to you for the

daydreams I've had about you that we couldn't show on TV.

And, uh, oh, you're not going to believe this. I still have another guy who's in

this show.

This is my friend Lewis. He's a little late.

Lewis.

The show's over, Lewis, and now you're not in this show. Gary, I was on my way

over to the show when this girl, she pulls up next to me in the intersection.

You know, we start to talk. One thing leads to another. Well, we went back to

her house, Gary. Lewis, look at me. We don't have time to hear this. I'm a

little wiped out right now.

Yeah,

I appreciate you coming in under these conditions, Lewis. I really do.

You want to hold the credits?

Okay. Now, see, we were going to show the credits, and you screwed that up,

okay? Because you're late.

I feel guilty.

Well, you should.

His hair looks great.

My hair looks great. Now he's trying to make up for being late. Well, you'll get

to meet Lewis next time. That'll be a reason to tune in, huh?

Anyway, you know what I think I'm going to do tonight? I think I'm just going to

go in and try the mirror out over the bed and...

I should be out by next week, so why don't you watch the closing credits and

I'll see you then, okay?

Good night, everybody.