All language subtitles for Instant Mom s03e20 Walk Like a Boy

What are you making? It smells like
boiled cabbage and funky socks.

Don't blame my cooking. It's takeout.

It's coming from you.

Oh, you must be smelling my new cologne.

Swagger.

Your swagger is making my throat close.

Well, Grace, my girlfriend likes it. Did
I mention I have a girlfriend? And I

don't mean like, hey, girlfriend. I
mean, hey, girlfriend.

But you want to keep being your
girlfriend. You better water down that

I already watered it down. The gas
station sells it as a powder.

Stephanie, do you know how many cats are
put to sleep each year?

Get off my back. It's takeout.

I just read online that three out of
four cats who go into city shelters

leave. They must really like it there.

Gabby, if this is all leading to you
wanting a cat, the answer is no.

They just need to find a home.

You bring one in here, you'll need to
find a home.

I've become my father.

Can someone pass me the steak knife? I
got it, baby. I got it.

Aw, look at us.

We're like a mama and a baby kangaroo.

I don't want to be in your pouch.

I'm tired of being treated like a baby.

How do I treat you like a baby? You pick
out all my clothes.

Well, I like to dress you like a little
businessman.

I like that, too.

But at least let me do my own laundry.

Well, the lady from the news says you
could fall in the washing machine.

Dad, you cannot fall into a front
loader. I've tried.

I'm old enough to do, if you will let
me. Like what?

Like walk home from school. All the
other kids in my class are allowed to do

You know, I walked home from school when
I was six.

What, your family couldn't afford a
covered wagon?

I'm just saying that Aaron is not a
baby, so there's no need to treat him

one. Hold that thought, Charlie. Oh,
sweetie, you got a little something on

cheek. Oh, and something on this cute
little cheek.

Cheek, cheek, cheek!

See what you mean.

it one more time. You are walking home
from school all by yourself when you

up to a crosswalk. No traffic light.
What do you do?

Look both ways. Proceed with caution.

Stay in the white line.

Very good.

Deer cropping.

Stop. Wait. Do not ride the deer.

Some of these cards seem really
patronizing.

Stranger offers you candy. What do you
do? Ask him his name. Then he's not a

stranger anymore.

I'm sorry, Charlie. He's not ready.

Steph, I was kidding.

I don't think Aaron is the one who's not
ready.

Okay, fine.

He can walk home. But tomorrow, we start
homeschool.

We've been trying to pass out flyers all
day. People just keep throwing them

away. Nobody wants to adopt shelter
cats.

Why don't you just shove a bunch of them
in people's mailboxes? That way they

have to take them. But how do we get
cats to stay in a mailbox?

He meant the flyers.

at the cats, didn't you?

Yeah.

Great. How did you know where I live?

I followed your scent.

So the gas station guy was right. The
ladies will come a -calling.

I have something for you. I want to give
it to you before my eyes start burning.

I wrote you a love letter. I spent all
day doing it. Oh, wow. Thank you.

Now you have to write me one, and not a
text or an email.

So Twitter, Instagram, Vine, Snapchat,
how you want it?

I want it on paper, handwritten, and
romantic.

And I'd like it by Friday.

Man, relationships have homework?

You don't know the half of it.

Stephanie left me another shopping list.

Oh, man, I hate buying those.

I can't believe you, Stephanie.

You said I could walk home by myself.

I happen to be in the area.

You followed me the whole way, and then
you got stuck in that bush, and I had to

pull you out.

Really?

I am not over -mothering him, Charlie.

Really? Okay, maybe a little.

Really? Okay, a lot.

stepmom. I have to be twice the mother
just to be average, and three times to

above average, and I want to be an
excellent mom.

Stephanie, I need your help with this. I
don't have time for you, boy. I'm

dealing with something.

Dear Gray, I like your face.

It's in the right place.

heard about your little romance problem.

Here. What are these?

My old love letters.

Maybe there's something in there that
can help you with yours.

Maggie, you are a generous soul, a
generous spirit, and a generous woman.

I paid his rent for six months.

Come on. Another one. There's got to be
something good in there.

Maggie, you are a gazelle. You are an
eagle. You are a lioness.

He was a dog.

Maggie, come by at 7 and don't forget
the ground beef. Who is he? My ex

-husband.

None of those work. I've tried poetry,
doodles, I even tried movie quotes, but

all I could come up with is, Grace, I am
your father.

Ooh, how about song lyrics? You know,
something really romantic like, uh,

that song.

Oh, that song. I can hear it in my head,
but I can't remember the name. Oh,

here. Sing it. My phone has an app that
can name any song.

Oh.

Mama, mama, baby, baby, baby.

Ow. Uh -huh.

What's it say? What's it say?

There are three hospitals in our area.

Stephanie, relax.

Aaron will be fine. It's just a little
walk, half a mile. The lady on the news

says a hundred bad things can happen in
half a mile.

They just do those stories for ratings.
The lady on the news said you'd say

that.

What is the name of that stupid song?

It's making me crazy.

What's wrong with you?

Aaron's taking a little walk.

Hey, little guy, little legs, that's
what they do.

Grandma Maggie, you're my last hope.

There's these cats that need adopting.

No can do. Take one look at those furry
faces and I'm going to have to have one.

Single woman looking for love. I can't
have cats to all of that.

Cat won't leave you for your best
friend.

Ooh, that's the last time I share with
you.

You found your son wandering the streets
alone.

I ran away from...

Just like you told me, Stephanie.

I meant that with strangers.

Hey, I don't know these guys.

Everything's fine, officer. He was just
walking home alone from school.

We consider that inadvisable for
children under 13.

When I was six... No one cares, Charlie.

I can't believe you sent my baby out
there alone. Come here, sweetie. I will

never let your mean old daddy push you
out in the cold again.

Is there a problem here? Not with me,
officer. I care about these kids.

Right, and I don't care at all. Well,
you didn't care. He wasn't home. If it

were up to you, you'd shove him out in
traffic and see how it goes.

Well, it's better than your way. Uh -oh,
he's been in the house two seconds. Why

isn't he handcuffed to the radiator?
Careful, he could get out.

Oh, man, we're going to be filling out
paperwork all night.

Paperwork? For what? He was just walking
home from school.

You're talking about handcuffing your
kid to a radiator.

No, no, no, no. I was just fighting with
my wife. We fight all the time.

That's another form.

Wait, wait, wait. What's happening here?

Well, based on what we've heard, we need
to file a report.

You folks can expect a call from child
services.

What?

Child services?

Oh, services for children. I hope they
send a bouncy house.

taking Aaron. Oh, says the man who let
Aaron walk home alone. You heard the

officer's trolley. That's inadvisable!

What has happened to the world? When I
was six... Would you stop talking about

when you were six? Were you ever another
age? Or did you just go from being six

to a bald -headed pain in my butt?

When I was six, I left my house in the
morning, rode my bike, played in the

woods all day, and my mother didn't know
where I was. Better yet, she didn't

care. That's love!

Is everything in black and white?

Then it is not your childhood.

It is a place where if they pick him up
for walking alone, they can take him

away for any reason they want, even for
something stupid like they hate our

throw pillows. By the way, I hate our
throw pillows. Fine.

What do you want me to get rid of? That
stank attitude and that awful sweater.

What's wrong with this sweater?

Nothing, if we're going down to the
freight yards to jump a train.

I think somebody is letting her crazy
out. Is it crazy to want to keep my

Go upstairs and put on something
professional.

Fine. But that was my napping pillow.

Hey, what happened to the lollipop? I
stuck under the island.

I was saving it for an emergency.

Sorry, sweetie. It's in here with your
emergency bologna sandwich.

Thanks.

You better hope there isn't a hurricane
today, or I'm going hungry.

Sweetie, we've got a real emergency.

Let's go pick you out something nice to
wear for the child services lady. Dad,

if I'm old enough to get arrested, I'm
old enough to dress myself.

I've got my shirt suit all ready.

Perfect choice.

Because if I have to go to the
orphanage, I want to be picked first.

Stop listening to James.

early.

It's an ambush.

Hi,

Mrs. Phillips.

James Elm? It's Friday and you owe me
something.

Ah, this really isn't a good time. I can
wait.

Jane! Door!

Make it quick. The lady will be here
soon.

see you at school all day.

Except one time I thought I saw you duck
into your own locker.

Oh, yeah, I just needed a quiet place to
gently craft your love letter.

Does that mean you finished it? Oh, no,
I've got it totally finished.

I'm just looking for the right quality
paper to write it on. You know, mine is

only an 85 brightness, but girl, you at
least a 92.

You know, James, it sounds like you're
stalling. What?

I thought she wasn't worth writing this
letter. She did something adorable like

that.

Maybe I can cut and paste all my dress
together.

Church clothes, now.

What I'm wearing is fine.

James, put on something you could be
buried in or you will be.

Got it. My titties.

Oh, that was close.

Not a good time, kitty cat. Stephanie's
freaking.

Hey, Steph.

Gabby, put on some church clothes. Oh,
how do I look?

Charlie, what are you wearing?

Well, you told me to dress professional.
This is what people in my profession

wear. And I thought I'd help you look
more professional, too, Miss Party

Planner.

Get upstairs and change for real.

Put on some church clothes. Our church,
not the tambourine one you joined in the

70s.

I told you I did that for a girl.

needs her help. Are you dying, Mother?
Because if not, I gotta go. No, no, no,

no, no, no. I can't stop thinking about
that song.

Mama, mama, baby. That's not music. I
can't help you.

What happened to my love letters?
They're gone.

Well, if you're talking about all that
trash on your desk, I threw it away. Now

get back upstairs and hit up those ashy
elbows.

I don't want child services thinking we
keep dry kids.

James, James, I need your help. That
song.

All my love letters are gone. All my
love letters are gone.

That's not it.

But it's catchy.

I can't remember what I wrote. I need
those drafts.

Hey, Molly.

What's up?

No, James. One girl at a time.

Once people see these loving fluff
balls, they won't be able to resist.

Ow! Hey, I saved your life, man.

Grandma Maggie, you said when you saw
their faces, you wouldn't be able to

resist. Yeah, well, I say a lot of
things when I'm not listening to you

Women. You know what I'm saying?

Not my audience.

Wrong bag.

table that lady's coming aaron your suit
your

hair what attacked you you know when you
said i couldn't do my own laundry or

give myself a trim you were not wrong

what is this i think they're cats i

see they're cats why are they cats we're
just keeping them safe until someone

can adopt them

Don't. You have nine.

I should have cut my hair before I
showered.

Oh, no. They're here.

Help me pick this up.

Sorry, Steph. I got my own problems.

I'm going to make a trail of tuna.

Really? The one patch of clean floor?

Okay. Is this churchy enough for you?
What the?

Cats. Cats.

Cats. Garbage.

Well, what the heck happened to you?

I gave myself a trim.

You said it's going to be fine. That's
when we were talking about throw

We're going to lose Aaron.

Look at us.

Why wouldn't she take all of the kids?
It's obvious we're unfit parent.

Uh, guys, the late tears.

Welcome to our home.

I know it looks like this, but we can
explain.

so frowning? Oh, she's kind of sneering.

Hey, someone help me get this jacket off
of. I can't reach my arms all the way

back.

I'm gonna miss you, buddy.

Stephanie's not going away.

Probably.

So I herded the cat under the laundry
basket and Molly's sitting on it.

I'll come right to the point.

This is the most appalling situation I
have ever encountered.

The little one has fleas, one's rolling
around in garbage, and I'm pretty sure

the girl is pregnant.

What?

Excuse me?

I'm going to have to take them all.
Anything is better than this. It's

nice in here.

We have a prayer group.

I'm lying. We don't have a prayer group.

But if you take my kids, I'm going to
need a prayer group.

Kids? I'm not talking about your kids.
I'm talking about your cats.

And I'm taking them.

What now?

Yeah.

What about us being terrible parents?

Oh, please. I see ten families a day.

Your little one tried to get ready by
himself.

That one lost something in the garbage.
And the older woman has Tourette's.

I got your Tourette's right here.

Yep, yep,

that's what it is.

I am so glad you understand.

So, can you help me gather those three
rescue cats?

This is your lucky day. There are nine.

How big is your car?

Hey, James.

I'm sorry. I had some really good stuff
for your letter, but it got thrown out.

James, I have something to tell you.

I met another boy in mime class.

We are trapped in a box together.

So I'm covered in garbage for nothing?

You know what?

Fine. Don't need you.

Grace, take me back.

Oh, no. He's thrown himself on the hood
of her mom's car, and the neighbors are

watching. Don't look at us like that,
Mrs. Meharry.