All language subtitles for Instant Mom s03e18 International Incident

Stephanie, why were we put on this
earth?

And who put us here?

Oh, those are really intense questions.

Well, we were put here because... Hey,

want a popsicle?

Okay.

Here you go, buddy.

Works every time.

Stephanie, can you get this guy off my
back?

How much do you owe him? This is the
last time.

He doesn't speak English. He's a foreign
exchange student from Iceland. The

family he was supposed to live with has
pink eyes, so we can't stay there.

So how did he end up here?

The teacher sent me home with him.

Without calling?

They gave me these papers for you to
sign, but don't do it. Don't make me

him.

Hold on.

School needs our help, and having an
exchange student can be a very

experience. Can we just leave him
outside the Icelandic embassy with a

pinned to him?

Okay, we can cross diplomat off your
future career list.

What's your name?

His name's Blix.

Blix. It would be educational and fun to
have Blix. Stay with us.

Uh, Dad's not gonna want some random kid
sprung on him. Consider it payback for

when he sprung you on me.

I can't believe it. She really thinks up
from Iceland. I told you, she falls for

anything that sounds educational.

You just keep talking that phony Iceland
jive, and they'll take us to every fun

thing in this city.

Morgan, Morgan, Bergen, Bergen. Not when
it's just us. It's annoying.

that you're officially a fake exchange
student, we can present my parents with

the James, we're not taking you there
list, which I cleverly retitled, things

Icelandic kid should see in America.

Is this the foreign exchange kid?

Oh, hot and further.

Blix, Gabby, Gabby, bye.

Bye, Blix. Stay out of my room.

Lovely wash, Nick.

He's from Iceland.

Got it.

Do not touch me.

Okay. Where were we? Right.

First up, Liberty Fun Park. As long as
Gabby's there, I'm in.

No. Blitz needs to experience what's
good about America.

Gabby's not what's good about America.

Bungee jumping and the dog track are
what's good about America.

Tell me about your Iceland scam.

Fine.

There's all this stuff that Dad and
Steph won't let me do, so I invented

a .k .a. Rudy.

This scam is going to be my Sistine
Chapel. You can get in on it if you're

Cool as Iceland.

This is a much better way to get things
than making Stephanie answer awkward

questions. Tonight for after dessert, I
was going to ask if the divorce was my

fault.

His name's Blick. He's our exchange
student.

Sporkin' Manhattan Borgen.

He's from Iceland.

I hate him already.

Those shifty snow people, they lie, they
cheat, they eat all

of your pastrami.

And while you're asleep, they take your
car and dump it in Delaware.

That sounds very specific.

Well, maybe my views are clouded by
Stanley.

A very handsome lowlife that I went out
with who used to live in Iceland.

Mom, you can't judge all Icelandic
people by one guy.

Maybe you're right.

Now that I think about it, maybe I was
the one who dumped his car in Delaware.

I wonder if he's still single.

I wonder if he holds a grudge.

It's Saturday.

Why did we have to get up so early?

Because we have to let Blixen before Dad
and Steph get up. Why can't he just

sleep here?

Because then his parents would know
their kid is missing.

This way, he goes home at night, we let
him in in the morning, and no one's the

wiser. But why did I have to get up
early with you?

Because...

Guess you didn't.

You're the worst.

Dad, what are you doing out there?

I went out to grab the paper to show
Blix American Funnies. Is he up? No, but

I'll go get him because I definitely
know where he is.

Oh, I forgot to turn the sprinklers off.

Dad, you have other things to do, like
read the funnies, quip coupons, live

life, man.

I'll get started on the funnies. I can't
wait to read Blix Broomhilda.

She is funny in any language.

Where'd he go?

Oh, we're on back.

Hey, why is everyone up so early?

Do we have a guest in the house?

By the way, where is he? In the house,
like you just said. Well, we're making

him a really good breakfast.

clomping around in his snowshoes. I'll
go get him.

I brought donuts for Gabby. Where are
you going to say you got those from? The

upstairs bathroom?

Get in here, you Icelandic moron.

I knew I should have been the exchange
student. It wouldn't work. I told you,

parents are smart.

Hey, I told Blitz to set his alarm, but
I forgot he doesn't speak English.

Looking good, Gabby.

And that's why those learning language
while you sleep tapes are so valuable.

Oh, good.

Blixer is oop.

And he's creepy in two languages now.

Your father has a surprise.

He is going to whip up an authentic
Icelandic breakfast.

Fish smoothie.

That's just the name, right? Like a hot
dog kind of thing?

No, no.

It's fish smoothie.

They use the entire fish.

I mean, the bone, gut, gills. Even the
stuff that sounds like it wouldn't be

good in a fish smoothie.

He's not my exchange student. I'm going
out for breakfast.

I could really use a donut.

I know.

A whole fish smoothie sounds disgusting.

But the yogurt coats your stomach and
helps you keep it down.

I'm sure Blitz is gonna love it. Oh,
you're both having one.

You get to experience black culture, and
then he'll get to experience Liberty

Fun Park.

What about you guys?

Oh, we already had ours.

Little tip.

Use your teeth to filter out the bones.

For a smoothie, it's not really that
smooth.

we have to drink those fish smoothies.
Then take those icy cold showers.

Why couldn't you let me be Jamaican?

Is everybody ready for our big day?

Liberty Fun Park, here we come.

Big day. Much hugs from Gabby.

Gundag, gundag, gundag.

That's how they say hi, hi, hi in
Iceland.

Stanley taught it to me yesterday.

Oh, you're back with Stanley?

He forgave me for the whole car thing.

And he got a new toot!

Hey, bring him over to meet Blix. They
can talk about Iceland in Icelandic. No!

Blix is here to learn the best of
American culture. So after Liberty Fun

I'm thinking dog track and then bungee
jumping.

And we're going to do all of that, but
we decided that Blix should have an

educational experience first.

At one of Philadelphia's greatest
attractions...

The American Museum of Weights and
Measures.

That's a thing? Why is that a thing?

That's worse than when you took us to
the Museum of Museums.

Can we go home? I almost fell into a
coma a couple minutes ago.

No way. It's almost time for the movie
about the invention of the yardstick.

Your dad's gonna bootleg it.

This is great.

You guys are learning that anything...

can be measured. Not my misery.

Okay.

I'm all for this cultural exchange,
whatever this is, but I gotta ask. Why

we here and pretending to care about the
metric system?

Pretending? It's crazy we don't use it
in this country.

Okay, we've lost Dad.

Steph, what's really going on?

All right.

Bliggs isn't actually an exchange
student.

We've known all along.

He's just a kid in your brother's class.
And another one of James' ridiculous

scams. Which we're sick of.

So, we are going to turn this one
against him. We want James to be so

he bursts into tears, confesses, and
promises to never scam again.

You know, good parenting.

I'm really disappointed in you both.

I can't believe you didn't let me in on
this sooner. You know how much I dream

of making James cry.

This museum is so boring.

When those people got here this morning,
they were 12.

You have to use your suddenly improved
English and say something to get us out

of here.

You're the guest. They have to give you
anything you want.

Really?

Excuse, Mr. Phillips, Lady Phillips.

I would like to court the daughter you
call Gabby.

What?

I'm sorry, what now?

In Glacier Village, we court at 13.

Not many girls grab early.

or else goats take two.

Well, we don't want goats to take.

I'm fine with you courting Gabby if her
father is. If it keeps her from dating

those American losers, I'm in, Gabby.

Sure, bleep, son. I'll go courting.

What?

You hate him, and you hate her dating.

It's not dating. It's courting.

Courting has dignity to it.

Doesn't he fix it? I always defer to
your father.

Since when?

Reading about Iceland, and they have
this tradition where the girlfriend's

parents give her $500 to start her
courtship with the shopping spree at the

mall. Well, that doesn't sound right.

My mistake. I think it was $600.

Oh, now I remember.

It was $75, and take it.

Blixa, let's go courting at the mall.

Hooray for Blixa!

Can I speak to you real quick? Not now.
Going to American mall.

Get over it.

Rudy, what are you doing?

Didn't you hear?

I'm recording.

Something doesn't make sense here.

Wait. This movie's this stupid museum?

They know.

They're trying to teach me a lesson.

Fools. No one teaches me a lesson. No
one teaches James Phillips.

We're not courting, and you're not from
Iceland.

You know? Of course I know. I was only
in this thing for the money, but he's

gross, and I'm out.

Hang on. I know dead stuff are on to me,
too, but if you help me turn it around

and mess with them, I'll double what
they're paying you.

Bleep, sir.

We're back to a courting, but it's gonna
be a long -distance relationship.

Can I keep your deodorant? You stole
my... You know what? Yes.

Hi, hi, hi.

Everybody, meet Stanley.

Oh, who's here?

My mom and her fluent in Icelandic
boyfriend.

Hey, why don't Stanley and Blix teach us
some of their language?

Since Blix went to the trouble to learn
some of our language, least we can do is

learn some of his.

Sure.

Speak like good American now.

Hey, foreign man, go back where you came
from.

That's right. When in Rome, speak
English.

Actually, Stanley, since you lived in
Iceland, I have a few questions about

things my parents claim to have looked
up. Oh, Stanley doesn't want to... Oh,

I'm sure he doesn't mind.

So, did you drink a lot of fish
smoothies in Iceland?

I don't remember fish smoothies.

That sounds disgusting.

Curious. No, it isn't. It's a trend
sweeping the country.

Yeah. Blix, why don't you say something
and Stanley will translate.

That way we'll learn faster.

Okay.

I like American hamburger.

You make Icelandic, please.

No, no, no, Blix. You make Icelandic
first, then Stanley make American.

is how Stanley felt about those icy cold
showers you guys said Icelandic people

take. Icy cold showers?

The whole country's built on geysers.
The taps are labeled hot and hotter.

Hmm. That does not line up with what my
parents told me. Okay, that's enough.

Somebody in this room has never been to
Iceland and needs to fess up.

Maggie, she said she liked interesting
men and then they ran the bed at speed

dating, so I had to say something. I
wasn't interesting. I drove a bus, so I

blurted out that I used to live in
Iceland.

Stanley!

I don't mind a man driving a bus, but
lying?

Actually, I don't mind the lying either.

Let's just get some fro -yo.

Well, I'm glad we finally cleared up the
mystery on who's Icelandic and who's

not. So, Liberty Fun Park first thing in
the morning? Come on, Blitz, let's get

dinner so we have more room for a deep
-fried breakfast.

Well, that didn't work.

I wish he was an exchange student so we
could send him back to Iceland.

Charlie, you're a genius.

Let's do it.

Let's ship him off.

I do have a crate his size out in the
garage.

Charlie, we're not putting him in a
crate. We're buying a plane ticket and

telling James we're sending Blix back to
Iceland.

Call his bluff.

I'm in.

Wait. Why do you have a boy -sized
crate?

Because James is a lot of trouble.

Military school is expensive.

Is Blix ready to go?

It's an international flight, so we have
to leave early.

He already left for the airport.

What are you talking about?

When he found out you guys were sending
him back, he didn't want to bother you,

so he took his ticket from the drawer
and left.

The ticket's gone.

I told you, he took it. Yeah, I called
him cab.

This is ridiculous.

This boy can't go to Iceland.

Why ever not?

That's where he's from.

I'm here to pick him up. We're going out
to brunch with his grandma.

Could be her last.

Who's Rudy? My son. He's been hanging
out here all weekend.

Oh, yes.

Rudy.

That blixy -looking kid.

Ah, well, uh, we just need to find him,
which does

not sound as bad as it is.

You mean as bad as it sounds.

Yeah, sure, whatever.

It may take us a minute to find him.

We've got a lot of rooms to check.

I know the place seems small from the
outside, but it practically stretches to

the airport.

To the airport.

We might need to go to the airport.

Rudy!

Make yourself at home.

Take a nap if need be.

Aaron, get the man a pillow.

James, you've gone too far. How?

you put him on a plane?

We all know that Blix slash Rudy is not
really from Iceland.

He's not?

No. I better sit down.

Cut it out, James.

The first thing we did was contact the
school. There is no student exchange

program. Don't let go of the victim of a
scam.

You were.

We were scamming you to make you hate
scamming. That's pretty childish.

You started it.

Yes, but I'm a child.

And you're the one who has to explain to
my friend's dad that his son is headed

to Iceland.

Of course, I might be able to help you
out of this embarrassing jam if we agree

on the terms.

Really? You want a scam to get out of a
scam?

Have you learned nothing?

Oh, shut up, Charlie. Let the boy speak.

We all agree that this didn't happen.

I didn't try to scam you, and you didn't
spend the last three days trying to

scam your child.

No repercussions for any of us.

Deal.

Fine. It's never happened.

Good. The fish has left the blender. I
repeat, the fish has left the blender.

Hey there.

Oh, well, Blix, it was weird while it
lasted. Now get away from me.

Rudy, your dad... is waiting in the
living room. He'd like to hear about the

totally normal time you had with James'
well -adjusted parents.

Mr. and Mrs. Phillips, thank you for
your hospitality.

James, sorry it didn't work out.

Gabby, can I keep your... Whatever you
took, I don't want to touch again.

So, is this insane thing that never
happened finally over?

Hold on.

James, I need that ticket to Iceland
back. It's refundable.

Why?

refundable. Gabby, here's your cut.

That's our money. We paid for that.

Paid for what?

None of this ever happened.