All language subtitles for Instant Mom s03e07 Basket Case

James, set the table.

On it.

Aaron, set the table.

On it.

Okay, what'd I miss and how'd I miss it?

I lost to James in rock, paper,
scissors.

Now I have to do his chores and mine.

When I tell you boys to take out the
trash, I don't mean take it out of the

and leave it in the middle of the floor.

James, take out the trash.

All the way.

On it. Aaron, take out the trash.

You want to watch something before
dinner?

Carolee, don't you wonder why you ask
one kid and the other kids doing it? I

know why. They play rock, paper,
scissors for chores.

And James always wins.

That's because Aaron hasn't figured out
that when you play rock, paper,

scissors, you shouldn't always throw it
in exactly that same order.

And we're just going to let James keep
taking advantage of Aaron. It's what

brothers do.

As long as no one's holding someone's
head in the toilet, we stay out of it.

Even then, give him a minute. It might
be consensual.

Good news is, I got the trash back to
the curb.

Thanks, buddy.

Hang on.

The bag made it to the curb, but the
trash did not.

It only made it as far as all over your
car.

Karen! Well, thank goodness James is
washing my car tomorrow.

Uh, can I just do a regular wash?

A detail takes forever.

He makes you wash my car, too?

Stephanie, rock, paper, scissors is a
powerful thing.

All right, buddy, here's a little tip.

When you play James in rock, paper,
scissors, don't always go rock, then

then scissors.

But that's the name of it.

The thing is, he knows what you're going
to do.

And now that you know what he's going to
do, you can go scissors, then rock,

then paper, and then you'll win.

Scissors, then rock, then paper. I do
want to win.

I can't do manual labor.

I'm trying to save these babies for a
hand modeling.

Hey, Erin, am I done setting the table?

Not yet.

Do you want to rock, paper, scissors for
setting the table and a whole nother

week of chores?

You're on. Just let me warm up.

Okay,

let's go. Best two out of three.

Ready, set, shoot!

He just cut paper!

Wait, what? You won?

That's weird. I never win.

Yeah, it was weird. Let's go again.

Ready, set, shoot!

to your party one.

into a million, billion, tiny pieces.

Ring the bell. Yes.

Hey, James, remember that time?

No, tell me. And go slow so I can take
notes.

I don't think you're being sincere now,
James.

Aaron beat James at something?

That happened conveniently close to when
we talked about it.

No, no.

I intervened.

Yeah, I got that part.

I want to know why.

I'm tired of seeing Aaron get stepped on
by James.

He's the little brother getting stepped
on at his job.

Charlie, that's ridiculous.

I mean, if he keeps on losing, he's just
going to end up resenting his brother.

Resentment is one of nature's great
motivators. I wouldn't be a doctor today

I didn't hate my brother for always
kicking my butt at that operating game.

Who's steady now, Lewis?

That's insane, Charlie.

It's not insane.

It's the natural order of things.

Older brother beats younger. Father
beats son.

That's why I don't let James beat me
when we play chess.

Someday he'll win.

No day soon.

But when he does, he'll know that he
earned it.

Oh, I thought you didn't let him win so
you could do your little victory dance.

I do like the part where I put him in a
headlock and give him a little polish.

Hi, hi, hi.

Hi, Mom.

Want something to eat?

Oh, that would be great.

I'm star... Too bad. There's no food for
you here.

Well, I was just trying to be polite.

Don't nobody want some nasty food.

Are you guys still at each other's
throats because of that jacket thing?

It's my jacket thing. You mean Stephanie
borrowing my best white brocade jacket

and dragging the sleeve through some
church basement lasagna.

Only because you shoved me out of the
way when Sister Reynolds brought out her

shrimp toast.

It's her specialty dish. If you don't
get one, you don't get one.

I told you, I would get your stupid
jacket cleaned.

Yeah, but you wanted to take it to the
cheap place, the one that uses the dirty

water.

They don't use dirty water. They don't
use water. It's dry cleaning.

They also don't wash their hands.

That's crazy.

Oh, so now I'm crazy. Oh, nobody said
now.

Can you believe her? What I can't
believe is that this has been going on

week. It's just a jacket.

If by just a jacket, you mean a white
brocade sleeve that she dragged through

church doors on ya.

Only because you shoved me trying to get
to Sister Reynolds' shrimp toast.

We were just there. I am on Satan's
merry -go -round.

You apologize, and you take it.

Wait, it's important, Charlie.

And don't be telling me to just take it.
Now give it.

Are they gone?

Where have you been?

Hiding in the garage. I know better than
to get in the middle of that mess.

They both keep trying to get me to take
sides.

What if you get stuck with one of them?
Then I just let them talk, keep texting

my friends, and make the occasional
noise so they'll think I care.

That's a good way to tune them out. I
have to try that.

Hey, uh, you wouldn't do that to your
old man, would you? Because you and I,

get each other, right?

Mm -hmm.

That's my girl.

Make way for the undefeated champion.

You beat me one.

I'm one for one.

That makes me undefeated.

I'm going to go upstairs, look in the
mirror and say, Aaron, you're the man.

Then I'm going to look right back at
myself and say, don't I know it?

How did Aaron beat you? You got a half a
foot on him.

I don't know. The garage light was like
all up in my face.

There was this cricket. They just kept
chirping and chirping and chirping.

Seems like that cricket should have
known better than to intervene and throw

James' game off.

It was only one game.

James is still James.

Of course I am.

Son, why is your hand on my wallet?

You can feel that? Feel it, yes. Explain
it, not so much.

Well, you see, I was trying to steal
your money. Oh, did I just say that?

Now I'm confessing that I take little
advances on my inheritance?

You do what?

What's happening to me?

We have got to talk about Stephanie.

Can you believe her?

Mad at me because she ruined my jacket.

Words.

I got a lot of words.

Stephanie. Run till that.

Don't run too fast. You might slam into
someone's lasagna.

You know, I don't have to stand here and
take this.

I am going to remove myself from this
location and find a place where people

are not safe.

Stephanie, where are my mustard -colored
pants?

Twitty, they're right there on top.

Today he beat me at James Ball. What's
James Ball? A made -up game I made up so

I could beat him at something.

I can't get my mind right.

I don't even feel like me.

You will when you put on your favorite
sweatshirt. You always look good in

G -magic pattern.

Too risky.

Do I not own a plain white T -shirt?

I own a plain white T -shirt. You think
I can pull it off? No, but it'll be you

wearing a girl's shirt. That plus
Instagram.

I'm happy.

Come over here.

Let's chat.

I hope this is about how I can beat
James at everything now because that is

favorite subject.

Yeah, about that.

You know how every once in a blue moon
I'm wrong?

There's a blue moon every day?

I'm going to let that go because I need
a favor.

I need you to throw a game against James
and let him win.

You mean cheat to lose?

Why? Because your brother feels bad.

Yeah, he does. We did that.

High five.

No high five.

Down low?

Sweetie, you're not listening to me. I
need you to throw a game and get your

brother out of his funk.

I'm willing to pay.

And that pays $5.

Ooh, give it to me in quarters.

I want people to hear me coming.

Roundhouse to the face.

Kick, kick, kick.

Also, ow.

And flight.

Ha!

And Big Brother is back on top.

See, your mistake was not pulling out my
intestines when you had the chance. My

gut was wide open.

I did not notice that very obvious move.

But you blew it. I win and you are dead.
Now back to your regularly scheduled

losing streak.

I'll do it, James. You won. Let's go
watch TV.

You know what I'd rather watch? The baby
cry.

James, stop. Let it go.

I know it. He's crying. Somebody get a
pacifier for the baby.

That's it. Enough is enough.

I let you win.

What? You did not.

Stephanie made me. He said we had to get
the loser stink off you.

Loser stink?

She said that?

I'm paraphrasing.

Geez, Trumpet, you're my only friend.

Hey, James, I love you, but you've got
to get off that couch. You're wearing it

down. Why bother?

I'll just ruin some other furniture. My
loser stink follows me everywhere.

James, I apologize for having Aaron
throw that game. Now you've got to pull

together. Sounds hard.

Like putting on underwear.

I got an idea.

Hey, what's that?

Looks like a 20 got away from me.

Here you go.

Ah, paper cut. Even money hates me.

Wait, James, I've got something you'll
like.

I brought home your favorite pie.

Pie? I remember pie.

Pie is good.

Thank you, Stephanie.

Then let's go get a slice.

I do love pie.

James loves it, too. I'm going to get
him some.

Too late. This is the last piece.

What? And you said I couldn't eat the
whole pie.

I meant you weren't allowed.

Oh.

Yeah, too late.

I guess I'll just go and open up another
bag of cheese trumpets.

The official snack food of Rock Bottom.

That's it.

I'm going against my principles.

You're going to buy us a new couch, even
though this one is still plenty good

for sitting?

No, the couch stays.

I'm going to challenge James to a game
of chess and let him beat me.

You said letting the son beat the father
messes with the natural order of

things. Given what's happened so far,
maybe we should leave it alone.

Go get your chessboard.

I don't want to play chess. I just want
to crawl into my last bag of cheese

trumpets and disappear under a blanket
of non -dairy cheese products.

As I said, you get one trumpet for every
move.

Okay. When we're done, can I take a bath
in them? Any kind of bath is a step in

the right direction.

Choose me.

you guys are playing chess.

I'm glad to see you got your competitive
spirit back, James.

Why are there no trumpets in my mouth?

Oh! There you are, Gabby. Can I tell you
the latest jibber -jabber out your

grandma?

Mm -hmm.

She said, with my shoulders, I had no
business in that brocade jacket in the

first place. Can you believe her?

Mm.

You saw me work in that jacket.

Girl? I knew you'd fill me.

See, Dad? If you don't talk to it, it
goes away.

Security footage?

Really, Mom? I'm not watching that.

If you've got nothing to hide, why are
you afraid to see the truth?

Oh, so you're calling me a liar?

I'm calling you a chicken liar.

Chicken liar.

That's not even a thing.

Well, you know what is a thing? Your
attitude, Miss Fang.

Where are you going?

And you're not going to make her watch
some doctored video either.

If I'm not needed. You are needed.

You have been all up and through this.
Who owes who an apology?

Mm -hmm.

We're going to need a little bit more
than that.

Seriously, who's right?

You are.

Hold up, Switzerland.

You were on my side.

You said it to my face.

Your face? That was my face she was
agreeing with. Oh, you wish my face was

face. All right! All right, stop!

You know what I'm thinking?

I'll tell you what I'm thinking.

Here it comes.

You're going down.

and you being sloppy with that lasagna
is the best thing that ever happened to

your hideous jacket.

You're welcome.

I'm out.

That is one rude child.

Don't I know it.

Do you want to grab some coffee tomorrow
and dish?

If by coffee you mean mimosas?

James, I'll be right back.

Remember our plan where I throw the game
to restore our son's confidence and

make him whole again? We're not doing
that.

What? Why?

It wasn't the perfect plan, but I
spotted one big flaw.

I don't like losing.

Charlie, this isn't about you. This is
about James.

Let him grow up on his own time.

I am two moves away from the kind of
victory they write about in Chess

And yes, they do have Chess Magazine.

Falling readership granted, but a potent
online presence.

Charlie, your son is broken, and this
may be our last opportunity to fix him.

But if it's more important for you to
win some stupid chess game and you can

live with that, then fine.

Thank you.

Well,

James, the end is nigh.

Oh, I hope you know how to play taps on
these trumpets.

Sorry, kiddo.

Check.

Oh, wait.

Is that check me?

No, no, no, no, no, no. It can't be.
Yeah, yeah.

No, no, no. I believe there is a victory
move that needs to be done.

Give me that head. He's a little
powerless.

All right, all right, all right.

I'm proud of you.

Proud of me, too. I just crushed you in
chess.

That's right.

That's right.

Wait a minute. Where is my wallet?

Beat the old man.

Ah, congratulations, buddy.

Oh, Charlie, you let him win after all.
You are a good man and a good dad.

He beat me for real.

He did? My son can take me at chess.

I guess he's the man of the house now.

I'll go dig a hole out in the back
pasture.

Promise me you'll try to love again.

Who nonsense is all in your head?

No, it is not. The natural order is very
clear.

A man is only a man as long as he can
still defeat his son.

Hey, guys.

But it doesn't say which son.

Hey, Aaron, would you like to play some
chess?